The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Bats! Bats On My Face!

A/N: Seriously, what am I doing? This character kind of doesn't exist except for maybe two minutes on the screen and I'm putting her in a Death Battle situation. And THEN I put her against the most uber possible opponent I could possibly find in all of anime.
*Sigh.* Okay, you know what? Fine. Let's just roll with this for a while. I'll live. Surely I can regain some of my sanity in other aspects of my life.
...
Properties belong to Hasbro, Screw Attack, and Funimation Entertainment.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (29)

---Death Battle---

So... this episode will equate to Dracula versus the Freakazoid? Huh.

Various insane faces and fanged mouths cross the screen.

"You know what the best monster is?" asks B rhetorically, "Vampires! Those blood-suckers are freaking nuts and we love 'em for it."

W adds, "This time on Death Battle, we're taking one of anime's most bloodthirsty vampires and pitting him against a foe that's been thought to be just as crazy by her fandom."

"Alucard, the nosferatu on the right side of 600 years."

"Will face Pinkamena Diane Pie, the delirious, depressed pony."

"He's W and I'm B."

"And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle."

---Death Battle---

The title card parts to reveal what looks like a white man wearing sunglasses and a red-brimmed hat.

"Born in 1431," starts W, "Alucard has gone by many names including Count Dracula and Vlad III Dracula. In 1944, he was dubbed Alucard by Arthur Hellsing, his new master. Then in 1989 when Arthur died and he had named his daughter Integra the head of the Hellsing Organization, Alucard's servitude transferred to her."

"Man," comments B, "My head hurts just thinking about it." Various facts appear on screen as W continues.

"Alucard was sent as Hellsing's most powerful agent to eliminate a vampire in the village of Cheddar. There, he confronted and shot the vampire priest before rescuing the life of police woman Seras Victoria, turning her into a vampire."

"Hey! If there's any chick vampires out there, can you 'rescue' me?"

"Alucard seems to hold a long rivalry with the Vatican priest Alexander Anderson. Though they hold opposite morals, they share a certain blood lust in trying to kill each other on a regular basis."

"Nothing says brotherly love like decapitation."

"Alucard has a plethora of powers and abilities even for most vampires. He has an ambiguous immortality, which has been speculated to relate to the reservoir of souls he's devoured to keep himself alive. But his regeneration is capable of bringing his physical body back to full strength even when he had no souls left to use. It's brought him back after being shredded to pieces, spilled in blood, and burned to ashes."

"I guess you could say, 'It's magic. He ain't got to explain *ess*t."

"He has enhanced abilities like superhuman accuracy, strength, speed, reflexes, and agility."

"He can phase through walls with intangibility, manipulate shadows, shape-shift, control weather, create illusions, teleport, use telepathy, read minds, summon blood soul familiars, and oh yes. He can suck blood."

"After absorbing Schrodinger during the Millennium incident, Alucard gained the ability to manipulate quantum reality, giving him a state of omnipresence."

"But even with all these crazed up, supernatural powers, that's still not enough for this nosferatu."

"That's right. Alucard has several centuries' worth of combat experience to expand his battle strategies. His weapons of choice are the Hellsing ARMS .454 Casull Auto and Hellsing ARMS 13 mm Auto "Jackal" pistols. They fire silver and mercury-core bullets respectively."

"And we haven't even mentioned his Release States."

"Alucard has six restriction states that, when taken to lower levels, allow him to reach deep down to some of his greater powers. It is believed that Integra holds direct authority over the 'Cromwell Approval' though this authority seems to be absent in the manga."

"Whew. I'm getting worn out just listening to all this stuff about him."

A cut scene shows Alucard saying, "I get it. There's absolutely no reasoning with you people which leaves me with no choice but to keep killing until there are none of you left standing."

---Death Battle---

The title screen parts to show a familiar pink pony. But something seems off about her.

"When she feels extremely depressed and alone," says W, "Pinkie Pie's mane becomes straighter and her coat loses its tint leaving behind the gloomy Pinkamena Diane Pie."

"And I thought this pony was insane when she was cotton candy," says B. Facts appear on the right of the screen as W continues.

"Pinkamena is on the borderline of her sanity. She attempts to give the same flare to party throwing as her happy counterpart with little success. She has fooled herself into thinking that a pile of rocks, a bucket of turnips, a lint ball, and a sack of flour are her 'real' friends."

"She even has a different tone of voice to animate each of them."

"While the rumors of her murderous nature are non-canon, she is known to have more physical strength than she does normally."

"She has enough muscle in her behind to crush a pony's head and to resist pushing forces."

"Though, she is just as capable as her joyful self to levitate upside down in midair, indicating that she still has the 4th wall breaking capabilities."

"She just doesn't enjoy it as much as Pinkie."

"Theory states that Pinkamena's existence began with her life on the rock farm, being buried temporarily at the sight of the sonic rainboom. Then she reappeared when her friends started avoiding her."

"And that's about all we've got on the hacksaw pony."

"B!"

"What? Oh... forget the hacksaw part."

A disturbing background scene shows Pinkamena saying, "Oh, they're not so bad," before her eyes perform two and a half derps. (Shout-out to Otaku Ascended for counting it that way.)

---Death Battle---

W declares openly, "All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all."

B yells, "Let's get ready for a DEATH BATTLE!"

---Death Battle---

The setting is completely covered in darkness. For the sake of argument, we'll assume its a large empty room. Two spotlights flash on right after the other. They illuminate and reveal the forms of a man wearing a red fedora and a faded-pink pony.

"FIGHT!"

"What do we have here?" ponders the vampire out loud. He walks over to the other presence in the room. He leans down on one knee and takes a good, long look at the sad pony.

"I'm all alone," whimpers Pinkamena, "My friends... are gone. My life's passion is empty. There's nothing left for me. All I can do is wait around for death."

Alucard continues staring with an unreadable expression. He seems to consider something for a few seconds before he speaks again.

"I suppose you have choice then. Would you wait for a slow, painful death or would you rather accept the gift of vampirism?"

For a pony who's passion is supposedly empty, Pinkamena's eyes seem to light up as she punches Alucard in a 'shoryuken' fashion.

"A vampire? Are you crazy?" she nearly shouts, "I'd never join you!"

Surprisingly, the nosferatu's sunglasses and hat have vanished without a trace. His head cracks back into the upright position with a few loud pops. His red eyes glow as he laughs.

"Such a strong and defiant determination," he comments, "I like it!" He bares his fangs briefly in a grin before the spotlights that were shining on him seem to fade. What we can see are his white gloves held out in a strange hand sign. Multiple eyes appear on his shadowy silhouette before they blink shut.

Pinkamena calls on the powers from beyond comprehension pulling out a silver-bullet pistol. Somehow, she starts firing it at the darkness. A few shots actually hit Alucard's disfigured eye-form. But it too starts firing bullets from a Casull Auto pistol. The 4th wall breaking pony impossibly dodges the explosive pellets and hangs an upside-down levitated stance. The lights turn out completely as the vampire re-assumes his humanoid form.

We hear footsteps in a random direction. A blur of shaded pink falls down from the dark ceiling and there's a piercing noise. When the lights flash on, Pinkamena can be seen stabbing a silver two-handed sword through Alucard's stomach area.

"Really?" asks the vampire, "Really?" The pink pony pulls back. Although blood spills from the cut, the man's skin and suit regenerate at an alarming rate.

Alucard dons his fedora and sunglasses in disappointment.

"It seems only a human can rid the world of monsters," he sighs. He slowly walks out of the camera's view not looking back.

Pinkamena Diane Pie is all alone soaking in her misery. She drops her blade into her nonexistent inventory and resumes her doom-and-gloom posture. The spotlight shining on her soon buzzes a few times before blinking out.

"K.O.!"

---Death Battle---

"What the hell did I just watch?" asks B in bewilderment.

"Well, technically, Alucard had access to darker magic and more regenerative power. So he had the advantage, but then he left the battle field meaning the only surviving combatant left in the ring is Pinkamena."

"What a rip. I want a refund!"

"The winner is Pinkamena Diane Pie." A depressing photo of the pink earth pony is shown on screen with her full name printed underneath.

---Death Battle---

"Special thanks to takahata101 for providing the voice of Alucard."

"Thanks for watching.

---
A/N: In a direct confrontation, Alucard would easily overwhelm anyone. For all his canon appearances and capabilities, he's invincible. Nobody can compete with invincible. Yeah, sorry if this lacked the humor of previous chapters.
Properties belong to their respective owners. I gain no profit from this. Next time, I'm hoping for a slightly more positive chapter. Though, I don't know for sure if that will be the case.

Comments

[leaderofstars]

what? i thought there was going to be cupcakes afterwards. this is a rip.

[shynight]

"Born in 1431," starts W, "Alucard has gone by many names including Count Dracula and Vlad III Dracula.

You forgot to mention TheCrimsonFucker

[Volare_1]

i was waiting for pinkie to pull a gravity hammer. but oh well i give it to mehs.

[Oubliette]

Eh, technically the Captain may be as powerful if not more. He's stronger than walter, who alucard views as an equal, and loses to Seras only because he never takes the fight seriously, giving her what she needs to kill him and not going full werewolf. When she bites his leg, he probably could have either pulverized it like her arms(he punches off both arms directly prior, and legs are stronger than arms) or just ripped his leg free and let his healing factor do the rest.