The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Dual-Pistols At Sunset

Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark" to ensure that certain bright colors are legible. Thank you.

I always try to make it a spectacle, even when it's clearly one-sided.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and DC Comics.
---

The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season the Seventh

Roses are red. Violets are red. Everything is red. My eyes can bleed.

Every person is capable of doing great things, whether for good or for evil.

Some of the cooler characters have experience with both good and evil deeds.

There's Sunset Shimmer, a Canterlot High Wondercolt.

Then you've got Jason Todd, the Red Hood. He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

///Death Battle\\\

Sunset Shimmer
-Originally a unicorn; currently a human
-Princess Celestia's former, personal student; left when Celestia didn't meet her expectations of perfection
-Won the Fall Formal three years in a row; became more dominant in manipulation
-Dated Flash Sentry (human) only for popularity and power
-Turned into "a raging she-demon" and turned the student body into a zombie army, only to immediately lose it all
-Was forgiven and accepted into the group of Canterlot High friends
-Magical geode power: Read minds; if used strongly enough, hair can grow into a pony's tail
-May carry properties of a fiery phoenix under the right conditions ("My Past Is Not Today")

The land of Equestria is filled with many gifts and talents. Only a handful of this talent is geared toward mastering everything about magic itself. Enter Sunset Shimmer, the former student of Princess Celestia.

Yeah... she's kind of a ginger, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was no soul in her.

Irrelevant, since science hasn't proved the existence of souls.

Why do you fall back on science for a character that's all about magic?

Because science is one of the few things worth living for... aside from selling fine merchandise to an understanding customer-base.

I can hear the air quotes from here. Sun-*ess*t *Ess*er wasn't exactly happy with apprenticing under whom she perceived as the physical embodiment of God, so she threw a hissy fit and fled into a world of Monster High-colored barbie dolls.

I... guess you're not too far off. They call that place Earth and the citizens humans, but there is clearly something wrong with their perception if all of those skin tones are considered the norm.

Wait, did we just inadvertently make ourselves racists?

Moving on! At first, Sunset Shimmer clawed her way up to being the "popular" girl of Canterlot High School, winning what was equivalent to prom queen year after year. However, that recognition still wasn't enough, and she started harassing the other students and manipulating an entire group of suspiciously familiar-looking friends into separating.

And somehow, she convinced a couple of dorks to be her minions. Anyway, her mood swings faster than a pro baseball player. She could be cold and distant one minute and completely furious at something the next. Not unlike my ex-wife.

Still, she was apparently still keeping tabs on the world of Equestria... somehow. One of her plans years later involved stealing Princess Twilight's crown that happened to contain the Element of Magic, and win it in the Fall Formal.

Wait, that doesn't make any sense. She already had possession of the crown. Why would she need to wait until a specific date and the random number of votes of the student body to get it again? Why didn't she just sweet-talk her way into the principal's office and then steal the crown again?

The only explanation I can come up with is lazy writing, or writing that was trying too hard to sell a toyline trying to compete with an already big-market toyline. Both of which fell flat on their faces. After Twilight came through the mirror and won the Formal, and delivered a line of dramatic dialogue, Sunset actually gave up on trying to destroy the mirror before snapping yet again and trying to wield the Element of Magic as an Element of Disharmony, transforming her into a "raging she-demon".

And turned everybody in the school into zombies to try and control as her own personal teenager army to take over Equestria.

First: That's a stupid idea to send people that are brain-dead and barely function as humans somehow figure out the limb coordination of ponies and take over a world whose citizens have been ponies all their life. Second: What the hell are you doing here?! You already killed Spider-Man last time. What more do you want?

Oh, nothing. I was just remembering my favorite line from the second movie. See ya! *boing*

*sigh* Let it go, B. We've got work to do.

I... ugh... fine. Turns out the human counterparts to the pony Elements grouped together and sent Sunset into a literal crater. She was forced to perform community service, and Twilight went home. W-Wait a minute! Sunset's originally from the land of toy horses too! How come she wouldn't want to go back to that?

Lazy writing.

Gosh dang it!

After much time was taken, Shimmer became a member of the group of high school friends. Along the way, she learned how to sing, play guitar, ride a motorcycle, and found a magical geode that can allow her to read minds. They also all gain pony-like ears and their hair grows much longer when they showcase a trait of the deepest part of their inner selves.

Ew... too sappy. Let me guess, lazy writing?

Now you're catching on. She can also call upon the magic from her friends to transform herself into an humanoid alicorn or phoenix, allowing her to fly, repair holes in reality, and unleash magic from her hands as if they were energy beams.

Man, somebody in animation liked Yu Yu Hakusho a lot. I say, "Yu Yu Hakusho," because saying somebody copied Dragonball Z has already been done to death.

Still, she is vulnerable to doubting herself and usually requires encouragement from somebody else to overcome it. And in order to maintain any of her mind reading magic, she must remain in the human world.

It's just as well. Years in that world has made returning to pony society nearly impossible with no fine control over her hooves and forgetting how her horn works.

"And if there's any group that's going to forgive you for something that happened in the past, trust me. It's this one."

///Death Battle\\\

Red Hood
-Other identities: Jason Todd; Robin; Batman(?); Wingman
-Was beaten to near-death by the Joker and a crowbar; finished off by a bomb's explosion
-Revived by the Lazarus Pit
-Decided to stop fighting crime and start regulating it; killed anyone he believed had crossed the line
-Allows drug trafficking and petty theft; does not tolerate abusing under-aged children
-Wears a red helmet that covers his face and hair; doesn't handicap his marksmanship
-Weapons: Dual-wield pistols, grenades, smoke pellets, grappling hook shot, portable jet boosters, a knife, electric tasers, and a rocket launcher
-Remembers all of his martial arts experience under The Batman

For most people, death is an end, the point at which it's impossible to keep going and you've stopped breathing.

Not for the newest villain taking the mantle of Red Hood.

Jason Todd was once a kid like many others in the DC universe. This includes the part where his parents meet an unfortunate end. In his case, they were murdered by Two-Face. Then, he was taken under Bruce Wayne's care, and groomed to be the next Robin, successor to Dick Grayson.

But while Batman is all about kicking *ss in every way except killing them, this new Robin was a little more violent and there were many times where he got in over his head. This includes the time that the Joker beat him up with a crowbar and left him for dead next to a bomb that exploded before Batman could find him. Jason? Jason!

A video game's depiction of a crowded shopping mall briefly crosses the screen.

For all intents and purposes, Jason Todd was dead. But then the daughter of another DC villain took pity on him and used the Lazarus Pit to bring the boy back to life.

But did he thank her? Hell no! He went crazy and dug his bandaged fingers into the eyes of the two nearest goons before fleeing in terror. But I won't be too hard on him. That's probably how I'd react to waking up, thinking that I was about to drown in some stranger's bathtub.

The Lazarus Pit had drastic effects on Jason's personality. As years past, he took up the identity of the criminal Red Hood. He pulled together gear and influence to contain crime rather than fight against it like Batman. Of course, this meant he had no qualms about killing certain criminals with a plethora of tools and weapons.

This guy can use big guns like rocket launchers without straining his shoulder. He's also got a grappling hook, some high-tech tasers, rocket boosters that he can pull out and attach to just about any surface, grenades, and smoke pellets. But his favorite weapons are his dual-pistols and a knife, that he can cut through a rope with a precision strike.

Red Hood has lightweight armor under his leather jacket that allows him to shake off some otherwise lethal shots. His hand-to-hand combat experience builds onto what he already learned under Batman. Although Todd's personality has shifted to be more cold and distant, he still has moments where he goes into a violent rage. He almost managed to kill The Joker, but was ultimately stopped by Batman. Red Hood's current whereabouts are left unknown.

Unless you're talking about the reboots and expanded universe of DC comics, but this is probably a good stopping point. How long have we been talking anyway?

I don't know. Five minutes?

Don't know either. I don't have a watch.

Damien Wayne as Robin clashes weapons and says, "This time, you're dead!"

Red Hood shrugs it off. "Been dead; done that."

///Death Battle\\\

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

///Death Battle\\\

The Canterlot High School replica stands in its humble place in the world. Crickets chirp as the camera pans across the blue and orange evening sky. A street light flickers, barely holding out. The pedestal in front of the school lays bare. A red head in a leather jacket slowly walks by, holding a folded piece of paper in her hand. Her brow furrows as she skims the contents of the page again.

"Gotta say, it's weird how on the nose your name is with the timing of your arrival."

She grits her teeth at the sound of the man's voice. She turns around and spots a guy covered in a brown coat, black pants, and a full-headed helmet of crimson. She lowers her arms to her sides, clenching one hand into a fist while her other hand crinkles the paper. She holds the paper up.

"What is this supposed to mean?" she demands.

"I believe that letter's message was clear." It's difficult to determine expression through the helmet. "You've been busy during your high school years... lying, cheating, stealing... If this list ended there, I probably wouldn't have even bothered. But you... Shimmer... you set the trend for the local crazies to rape the minds of children. You crossed the line."

"And what about the part that said that you'll collect my dues?" She threw the letter on the ground and stepped on it. "You think you can make things right by pressing me for ransom money?"

"How about a deal, Shimmer?" The man slowly reaches a hand toward his side. "You can keep committing as many petty crimes as you like. I won't stop you. I'll just require you to pay me commission of twenty to thirty percent, depending on how I'm feeling. If not..." He pulls out a pistol and makes it visible. "... then I'll just have to let the devil collect your full net worth."

"I'm not that kind of person anymore!" Shimmer shouts. "And you can forget about money, because I'm never going to be the villain ever again!"

The man whips his other arm around, pulling out a second pistol. He crosses his arms in front of himself, pointing his guns upward and diagonally away from each other.

"They always choose the hard way first."

"FIGHT!"

Sunset Shimmer reaches a hand up to her upper chest area. A brief glow of red shines under her hand. She runs toward the man. Meanwhile, Red Hood takes aim with the pistol in his left and and fires a shot. In some impossible slow-motion footage, Sunset turns her heel and leans back slightly. The bullet whizzes through a strand of hair and into the distance.

"Slippery little..." Red Hood alternates between pistols and fires a few more bullets.

To Red Hood's credit, Sunset is sweating a lot as the shots get closer and closer to potentially hitting their mark. But aside from a few shaved hairs, she is far from being dead. She closes in on his position. As he fires the twelfth shot, Sunset ducks down before grabbing a tight hold of his arm. Her eyes flash white and we zoom in.

---

The screen changes to hold a blurry circle around the otherwise clear center of the screen. A young boy wearing red, green, and yellow leaps up and flares his cape. He's smiling like he's having a grand old time. A old butler holds his head and sighs. Another man enters the scene. He appears to be wearing tacky, black tights. While his mouth isn't smiling, his eyes seem to glow with a hint of joy and ample pride.

In the next second, the scenery changes to both the boy wonder and the bat punching a few crooks in the cheeks. It shifts again to those same crooks being dragged away by the cops. The bat casually walks over to his vehicle while the boy runs after.

The scene alters again to a much more terrifying scene. Some clown with green hair and heavily applied lipstick is laughing up a storm. The scene shows the boy's gloved hands desperately trying to move cover the screen, but then a red crowbar sweeps in. After four or five hits, the hands fall out of the screen's sight with their resistance broken. An explosion blows the memory away.

Darkness holds the center of the screen for a few seconds. Then, the color shifts to green. A watery surface appears in the distance. A bunch of bubbles emerge. The boy breaks the surface, now covered in bandages. He's screaming bloody murder and desperately claws his hands out of the bandages while pulling himself out of the water as quickly as he possibly can. His fingers pierce the eye sockets of a few cloaked men before he runs far away.

A flash of the red helmet shows up, before it shows itself as the head of an armored punk with a gun and a knife. He pulls money from some shady hands and his gun meets the forehead of those who refuse. The Red Hood crosses paths with the clown again, and even Batman.

"What bothers you more? That your greatest failure has come back from the grave? Or that I'm just a better Batman than you?"

---

Sunset's eyes return to normal as she inadvertently knocks the gun out of that particular hand. Red Hood tries to shoot her with the other gun, but it clicks. Empty.

"Jason Todd, wait!" Sunset holds up her hands defensively. "We can talk about this."

The faint area that Red Hood's eyes are visible squint. "... what."

"You used to be a hero, remember? As Robin, you fought criminals to protect others from harm."

Red Hood's hand that is still holding a weapon trembles. "How the hell do you...?"

"I made mistakes in my life too." She puts one hand over her chest. "But when I had reached my low, the magic of friendship reached out and gave me another chance. I bet it's not too late for you either. If you just go back to Bruce and ask for forgiveness..."

"Get out my head, you freak!"

Red Hood ditches the empty gun and pulls out a jagged knife. He leaps at her and swings it. Sunset leans back and weaves. He swings his knife around, while throwing in a few cheap kicks as well. He manages to slice through a sleeve, exposing some of Sunset's arm. Sunset tries to jump back a couple paces.

Todd pulls out a grenade and flicks the pin away with his thumb. He tosses the rest of the grenade in Sunset's general direction. She turns around and leaps for the grass. Meanwhile, Red Hood aims a grappling hook at the roof of the school and quickly pulls himself up. Once up there, the explosion goes off behind his field of view.

When he turns around, he flinches. Ascending into the air is a Sunset Shimmer without a jacket. In its place is a dress, wings, and a horn composed of white magic. Something that looks like an orange fire dances around her every two seconds. Red Hood leans down and unzips a bag he left earlier. He pulls out a big rocket launcher and takes laser-point aim at the flying girl.

Sunset holds her hands together and concentrates a sphere of magical energy. Red Hood lets loose the rocket. In response, Sunset fires her magic in a focused beam. It seems to halt the rocket's progress. But then, the man tosses some small disc object at the rocket. This new device attaches and unleashes a jet stream of fire. It seems to cause the rocket to spiral around the direct line of the magic. Sunset gasps as the duo rocket closes in on her.

An explosion goes off in the air. A girl in tattered clothes falls to the pavement below, with noise loud enough to set off a nearby car's alarm. Red Hood turns around and runs over the other side of the roof. He fires his grappling hook and swings out of the camera's point of view.

"And boom goes the dynamite!"

///Death Battle\\\

Holy *ess*! That... was... awesome!

This was an interesting matchup, what with the similar color schemes and how both characters took dark turns in their lives. However, when it comes to their fighting capabilities, they couldn't be more different.

Red Hood used to be a Robin, meaning he got at least some of his training from Batman. He also lived on the streets as his own crimelord for at least a few years. I mean, the only thing former horse girl had for her that Red Hood didn't have was mind reading.

In the instances that we see Sunset Shimmer use physical contact to read deeper into other people's minds, it was shown that they didn't react to any weird duration of time. So, it's likely that such thorough conscience-reading only lasts a fraction of a second in real time. And it's possible that amplifying her geode power could reach the same effect. However, knowing Jason's true identity and what he was going to do didn't necessarily give Sunset the means to stop him.

Like, the fortune teller knew I had a shotgun, and could probably predict that I was going to threaten her to give me a full refund. But she wasn't carrying any weapons that could help her avoid that.

The only long-range option Sunset could have possibly used was the magic of her friendship. However, it's been shown that such magic is only effective when dealing with other users of magic. Not bullets, not grenades, and certainly not rockets which can fly faster than sound itself. Combining Red Hood's superior experience, arsenal, and tenacity, poor Sunset Shimmer didn't stand a chance.

Red Hood really blew up her expectations.

The winner is Red Hood.

///Death Battle\\\

In a hospital room, six friends and a dog look downtrodden. A heart monitor slows down it's annoying beeping pattern until it holds onto one long, continuous screech.

Elsewhere, an anti-hero slowly pulls his helmet off and looks at it. After a few deep breaths, he snarls and yells in rage. He throws the helmet as hard as he can to the other side of the dark room. It bangs against the wall, floor, and echoes.

///Death Battle\\\

Next time on Death Battle...

"An Ultra dimension you say?" A menacing grin emerges from the shadows. "Now that's something I'd like to see."
---

Author's Note:

I said, "I always try." I didn't say, "I always succeed."

Comments

[Saiyan of the North Star]

KO awesome chapter, though what about Sunset being the fencing club you could have given her that.

[Dirty Bit]

Yeah, the outcome was obvious. The magic of friendship is no match for the magic if high-tech weaponry.

So who's Nightmare Moon gonna fight?
Necrozma?

[leslie2000]

8720276
Raven does know a lot of spells since she was taught by that dragon who was trapped in that book but I think they're going to use more of her magical feats from the comic books and not just the TV show

[leslie2000]

That last part with Jason Todd throwing his helment against the wall kinda reminds me of when Zuko (From Avatar The Last Airbender) threw his swords and his Blue Spirit mask down

[TheShadowKnight]

WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GOT MY SUNSET KILLED, WHAT THE FUCK