The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Bulging Biceps

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A/N: In retrospect, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Capcom.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season 3

E 9

And they don't even need spinach.

When it comes to bare bones brawling, it often comes down to who makes better use of their muscles.

The bigger they are, the harder they brawl!

Bulk Biceps, the G4 pony that has more muscle than he knows what to do with it.

And the manliest mayor of all time, Mike Haggar!

I'm W and he's B, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

---Death Battle---

Bulk Biceps
-Known by Snowflake/Roid Rage to many bronies
-Huge upper body muscles, but very small wingspan
-Can clear clouds simply by biting them
-Can endure tornados made with 800 wingpower
-Has difficulty starting any flight
-Can crush a average-sized pony's spine with little effort
-Has a soft heart for children and pretty clothes
-Doesn't take well to harsh criticism or butterflies

"Yeah!"

When a hurricane is necessary or the Equestria Games need competitors, all pegasi are called in for duty including Bulk Biceps.

What kind of steroids does a pony have to take to get that jacked up?

I don't know. They never really specified what supplements he's been using.

Essence of Hulk Hogan?

Even though his forelimb muscles are impressive, his wingspan is possibly the most disproportionate compared to his overall mass.

Arnold Schwarzen-bigger!

He takes a lot of effort just to get off the ground. But once he does, he can usually keep up with the average pegasus pony and even withstand the strong winds along a tornado's circumference. As the tornado necessary to lift water into Cloudsdale is about 800 wingpower and Rainbow Dash's average is 16.5 wingpower, that means he can withstand at least the air pressure created by 48 Rainbow Dashes all at once.

Jeff Gordon?

Despite his ability to crush a fellow pony with his own spine, he's actually quite softhearted. He's willing to do training favors for fillies and play dress-up for Rarity's... more eccentric tastes.

The opposite odor of Justin Bieber!

However, this leaves him vulnerable to everyday occurrences like a passing butterfly or serious criticism regarding his mistakes.

Yours Truly! ... Oh, I'm sorry. Did you say something?

In short, Bulk Biceps can deliver pain but he just can't take it.

Like my ex-wife!

"We'll make them proud!"

---Death Battle---

Mike Haggar
-Proud Scottish ancestry
-Weight: 266 lbs; Height: 6'7"
-Holds, grabs, quick strikes, submissions, tie-ups
-Scottish Backhold, Suplex, Spinning Pile Driver, Spinning Clothesline Double Lariat,
-Carries a blunt pipe
-Wrestles bull sharks: up to 11 ft long and 500 lbs
-Has been forced to prioritize politics
-Moves are from an older era

"Mike Haggar... the candidate that puts people first!"

Good thing PETA isn't here to halt the eagle punching.

Ha ha, yeah! I love our power to do anything! This is a man I can properly respect and we're bringing him back to life.

My sentiments exactly, B. Mike Haggar is an old wrestler with the blood of Scotsmen running through his veins.

He stands at six-foot-seven and weighs a solid 266 pounds. Hold me, W. I think I'm going to faint.

Don't go to sleep yet, B. We still have yet to talk about the good stuff.

Oh, that's right! Unlike your average politician who does boring stuff like passing laws or increasing the police force, he takes matters into his own hands and fights crime with his own two fists.

This is made possible through his wide array of moves like holds, grabs, and quick strikes.

His signature moves are his Spinning Clothesline Double Lariat and Pile Driver.

The second of which, he mastered by wrestling bull sharks into the beach. These sharks can grow up to eleven feet long and weigh nearly five hundred pounds.

He should get a job as a lifeguard for those surfers that constantly lose their limbs to shark bites.

When he needs just a little more "oomph" behind his blows, Mike carries a blunt pipe.

Oh, yeah! He recycles.

While he hasn't had time recently to fight new opponents, his moves are from a slightly dated time period.

They're not broken if they work for him just fine.

Right you are, B. Right you are.

"Don't mess with the mayor!"

---Death Battle---

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

---Death Battle---

Huh? What are we doing looking at a garbage-filled alleyway in the middle of SIM City?

Give me just a minute. *click* ... *click*

Oh, it seems we're not going to try to give them a reason to fight. Computer just dragged their icons into the makeshift arena. Mike Haggar flexes and rips through his business suit. Similarly, Bulk Biceps tenses up his front body muscles and rips apart the flowery blue outfit.

There is a transition of the screen over to Carousel Boutique. A sudden spark flashes through the screen as Rarity lands on her rear. The look in her eyes is distraught. Her sister rushes down the steps and tries to shake her out of her frozen state.

"Rarity, what's wrong?" asks Sweetie Belle.

"I... don't know," admits Rarity. "I sensed... a disturbance. It felt as if two fabulous outfits were crying out in terror... only to be silenced."

Cut back to the alley and the two combatants look ready and bulky.

"FIGHT!"

Both the man and the pony jump forward, shaking the camera in the process. Haggar's hands grip either side of Bulk. Biceps holds out his front hooves against Mike's chest. There's a sound akin to an earthquake rumbling. After a few seconds of shaking and grunting, Bulk flips and throws his back into it. Mike slides back a few inches from the impact.

Biceps' cheeks swell, indicating huffing and puffing while his wings buzz like crazy. "Yeah!" He finally gets... about three feet off the ground. Haggar rubs off the smudge on his chest with one sweep of his hand. He takes a charging leap and points both feet in front of him. The kick collides and Bulk flinches both horizontally and vertically.

Before gravity can catch up to him, Haggar pulls out a lead pipe and swings it against the pony's body. The impact seems to wak Bulk up from flinching just as he lands all four hooves on the ground. He charges forward and headbutts the man, sending Mike for a slight collision with a half-filled trash can. Though, he quickly gets up with about the same determination as he had before.

Biceps flies in for another charge, but something quickly holds back his wings: Haggar's clenched fists. While Biceps opens his eyes wide, Haggar spins around with his new pony-shaped weight in hold. He then flings the big white pony up into the air. A twinkle shines in Haggar's eyes as he makes a powerful leap.

Haggar grabs Bulk's back legs and spins around faster than ever. Both fighters head for the ground faster than a droplet from the nearby gutter. The crash with pavement is rather loud as a dust cloud briefly blocks the view. The droplet finally splatters against a puddle on the ground.

As the dust clears, the audience can see Haggar clapping dust off his hands before holding them against his hips proudly. As we turn to see Bulk's upside-down body, his head can't be seen due to being buried deeply in the concrete.

"K.O.!"

---Death Battle---

Now this is why he gets my vote!

While fights can happen quickly, this wasn't a cakewalk for the wrestling mayor. Bulk's feats of being able to survive at least two tornadoes, bench pressing a fellow pony, and being able to crush them with his own spine meant he was no pushover. However, fighting experience along with Haggar's own strength against the wild were the pushing factors.

To withstand a thrashing shark into the beach requires a lot of physical endurance and willpower. That pony might've stood a better chance if he joined Fluttershy's bear massaging practice.

In addition to the force of gravity, Mike's spinning piledriver adds strain in the form of torque that adds even more strain on the internal organs. While fast opponents like Lightning Dust have only nicked Bulk's shoulder with such impacts, Haggar's appliance of pressure is a bit more brutal. He even once held off the planet-eater Galactus alongside other Capcom heroes.

I can hear the Roid Rage from all the Snowflake fans now.

The winner is Mike Haggar.

---Death Battle---

Next time on Death Battle...

*bzzzzz*

What's that noise?

*Bzzzzz*

No! No! Augh! They're in my visual photoreceptors! Augh!
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Comments

[Sketchjo65]

This was a neat chapter, btw I have a suggestion for a battle.
Iggy ( jojo's bizarre adventure ) vs Discorded fluttershy

[Dirty Bit]

If only folks like Mike Haggar existed in this world...Bulk Biceps was already dead when his opponent was shown