The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Secret Agent "P"

Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark" to ensure that brightly colored text is legible. Thank you.

Wanted to find a way to fit the Phineas and Ferb cartoon in here somewhere.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Disney.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season the Seventh

~Secret... Agent Man...~

You don't normally see them there. When you do see them, you don't know it. But they are looking out for public safety in ways you never thought possible.

Whether they're saving the milk for your dry cereal or infiltrating corrupt governments for information, spies are out there, working behind the scenes.

Special Agent Sweetie Drops from Canterlot's anti-monster agency. Alias: Bon Bon.

Agent P from the Organization Without a Cool Acronym. Secret Identity: Perry the Platypus.

Some of their records have been lost to time, but we can still come to a conclusion with the files we've recovered.

He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

///Death Battle\\\

Special Agent Sweetie Drops
-AKA "Bon Bon"; earth pony
-Best friend: Lyra Heartstrings
-Part of a now defunct super-secret, anti-monster agency that was founded in Canterlot
-Disbanded and evidence burned when the bugbear escaped from Tartarus
-Ability: blending into the background; only rabid fans scouring the scene can find traces of her existence
-Retained tools of the trade: a climbing rope with hook, sunglasses, an assortment of disguises including a wristwatch, a mustache, and several hats
-Participated in some sporting events while simultaneously cheering from the bleachers
-Fighting experience: unknown

Main characters typically take center-stage in any story. The journey they take and conflicts they get involved with are important to us, after all.

But sometimes, you have to wonder what the heck that random character way in the back of the scene was up to while the dragon was crushing buildings.

Well then, let's offer fifteen minutes of fame to a pony with bubblegum colors for a mane and the wrapped candy pieces for a cutie mark. To the rest of Equestria, she's known as Bon Bon. But underneath that innocent, occasionally sarcastic earth pony, there exists a spy that once worked as a secret agent. Her real name... is Sweetie Drops.

You know what's strange? People thought for the longest time that her best friend Lyra was the weird one, what with her tendency to jump up and down with a creepy grin, sit like a human being, and a rumor that she wanted to see the mythical artifact known as hands. But nope! The unicorn is actually the straight and narrow one in the relationship. Who'd have thunk it?

While her exact mission briefings are unknown, we do know that Sweetie Drops once worked for an undercover, anti-monster agency founded in Canterlot. Some of the prime targets of this agency were from Tartarus, such as the aptly named bug-bear... which is literally a ring-tail wasp with a ferocious panda bear as its body.

What... the... f-

Sweetie Drops has an affinity for blending into crowds and taking silent notes of the situation. She can even be in the crowd while participating in the very sporting event that she is watching, such as the Running of the Leaves, the ponies' transitional event from autumn to winter where they run across the land and shake the colorful leaves out of the trees.

How does that make any sense?

In fact, there is one scene during that very fall event where she managed to have two spectators' positions and an official racer's starting position.

Are you sure that's not just lazy animation?

Not at all. Some of Twilight's friends from Canterlot explained that they're always visiting Ponyville and citizens from Ponyville are always visiting them. So those two locations where it seems like the exact same ponies are in the background, actually do have the exact same ponies running around. Therefore, Sweetie Drops really is in all three of those seen positions at once.

... I think my brain just broke.

Sweetie Drops has a rope with a climber's hook attached to it hidden somewhere within her reach at all times to allow her to escape from the top floors of buildings undetected. She also carries an assortment of accessories for quick disguises.

Huh. ... Hey I just had a thought. If Sweetie Bons' cover was so important, why the heck would she reveal her true identity to Lyra just because a bug-bear was attacking? It looked like the main character ponies were taking care of the situation pretty well.

The bug-bear was a creature specifically stated to have been trapped in Tartarus, not just the usual wildlife of the Everfree Forest. Considering the last creature to escape from Tartarus was the magic-stealing centaur Tirek, who could slam through mountains from fifteen hundred feet away in less than a second, Sweetie Drops was right to be worried. She might have thought it could be her last day alive. She had to give some explanation to her closest friend instead of just being gone one day.

Yeah... friend... *B's tone sounds sarcastic*

Unfortunately, the recovered file data ends there. Aside from her human counterpart in the high school world, there's not much to measure her true strength. Though to be fair, it's probably safe to start comparing their levels of strength, given that the portal to Equestria keeps leaking magic between worlds.

So, we can include how she can chip a statue of herself in a particular pose at the precise timing that she strikes the portrayed pose?

And the part where she can dress up like an owl in little to no time flat before... imitating a... bird-fighting simulator... Okay, you know what? Let's just forget that we brought that up.

Yeah, I think we traveled too far into Weirdsville for a second there.

In any case, you might want to keep an eye out for the pony crowds. Chances are, Sweetie Drops is taking part in seeing the event and making sure she's also in it.

"I have to find a crowd to blend into before I put you in danger! I'll see you at the wedding." Sweetie Drops salutes, then hops out the window.

///Death Battle\\\

Agent P
-Alias: Perry the Platypus
-A primary operative in O.W.C.A., or "The Agency", a group that employs mostly animals as spies
-Plays the part of a mindless pet of the Flynn-Fletcher family in Danville or "The Tri-State Area"
-Wears a fedora and stands on his hind legs when at work
-Nemesis: Dr. Heinz "The Ocelot" Doofenshmirtz
-Fast swimmer, high endurance, martial artist, and adaptable to different combat environments
-Common tools: helicopter propeller, dart gun that doubles as a grappling hook, hang glider, parachute, jet pack, cybernetic business cards
-Can read through multiple language-translator books in a matter of seconds
-Cannot reveal identity as a spy to his family or he risks being reassigned forever

There's a hundred and four days of summer vacation, and school comes along just to end it.

On what planet?!

Hmm... I'm going to have to agree with you there. As far as I can tell, aside from some unfortunate historical events, campuses for public education only stop their school years for an average of 75-90 sequential days labeled "summer". Obviously, Phineas and Ferb's version of Earth is fictitious and can get away with several aspects that defy all logic.

I want summer vacations back in my life.

B, you spend most of your summers guzzling away my supply of beer before going out and shooting a random wild animal... or pedestrian. Did I ever mention how many lawsuits I've had to cover your **s for?

Yeah, but it's not the same!

Anyway, while the boys are hard at work trying to invent something or complete a big, project of fun that's over the top and over the budget of any middle-class family, their pet platypus constantly appears absent. That's because Perry the Platypus is in fact... a spy agent!

Is he some kind of bird-beaver? Why is he green?

The platypus is a real aquatic mammal. Aside from some species of echidna, it's the only known mammal to lay eggs instead of giving live births.

Wait... are you saying... that this spy and Knuckles... can lay eggs?! ... I just got a new omelette idea.

Back on track, Perry's addition to the Flynn-Fletcher family wasn't an accident. From the moment he was placed in the pet store, he was already trained in the ways of silent reconnaissance and infiltration. This carries over to his methods of action in the modern day and age. His preferred method of battling foes involves pecking, tail-slapping, and mixed martial arts.

He's a member of O.W.C.A.: the Organization Without a Cool Acronym. For whatever reason that's never explained, every single agent in that group is an animal, except for the boss Major Monogram and Carl the intern. ... Did we remember to feed our intern today?

I'll add it to the bottom of my to-do list. But what would a secret agency be without a few evil foes to combat against on a regular basis? Enter Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Surprisingly, this joke of a scientist was raised in early childhood by a family of ocelots. This allowed him technical eligibility to become an agent for O.W.C.A. While he was good at tinkering with machines and their construction, he wasn't exactly good at keeping them from destroying property or from hurting other members. Understandably, he was fired after too many failed inventions.

So, Doofus figured if he couldn't work well as a good guy, then he'd be the most evil villain in the tri-state area. He even acquired an entire building for his one-man corporation... with a catchy jingle to match.

~Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated~

Fortunately, dealing with the guy that keeps getting mistaken for a pharmacist is right within Agent P's capabilities. Though he constantly falls for one of the doctor's traps at the start of every mission, he's usually out before the latest evil scheme can cause any lasting harm. His tail can apparently saw through thermoplastic with ease and his limbs are usually small enough to slide right out of any restraints.

Plus, those fighting styles we mentioned are perfect for kicking the Doof's Heinz-quarters. Eh heh heh!

*sigh* Perry has a plethora of tools when his own body isn't enough. These include a helicopter propeller in his hat, a hang-glider, a parachute, a jet pack, and a dart gun that functions as a grappling hook. He can also prep a decoy instantly to escape any traps that may have accounted for his smaller limb size... especially when his escape doesn't make any sense.

And he can pull his toys out of thin air, as well as an uncanny ability to adapt his fighting style to the objects in his surrounding environment... like that time he used a hot dog to fight against Doof's bratwurst... or a wrench to fight a wrench.

He's a great actor, playing the part of a mindless pet so his family doesn't suspect a thing. His clever disguise is... removing his hat and pointing his eyes away from each other. I am getting Clark Kent levels of disbelief here.

Well, he can swim fast enough to overtake a full-speed motorboat! That's pretty neat, right?

Yes. Yes, it is.

For a tiny swimming creature, he's been through a lot and still pulls through at the end of the day. What can't he do?

Despite his cybernetic business card claiming that Agent P is "fearless", he does have one particular concern every day that exists in The Agency's policy. Should his secret ever be revealed to the Flynn-Fletchers, he'll be forced to leave his host family and never get to see them again.

Huh. That kind of sucks. They're technically giving him free food and shelter, so... yeah. Being forced to leave forever would be pretty bad for him.

Fortunately, they seem to be easily distracted and fooled as they've never caught sight of his numerous secret getaways and passages... at least, not without some kind of convenient memory-wipe immediately afterward.

Plus the giant roller coasters, robots, and other social events that the boys put together seem to occupy the attention of everybody else that could get suspicious. Hmm... Where do Phineas and Ferb get the budget for all that equipment? You'd think them signing for parts through their parents' credit cards on a daily basis would draw more than their crazy sister's attention.

No one knows. Besides, there's never any evidence of their shenanigans after the fact. Usually, it's because of a misfire from one of Doofenshmirtz's machines after Perry defeats him.

So... that not-pharmacist is actually doing more efficient cleanups as a bad guy than he ever did as a good guy?

Pretty much.

Nice job fixing it, villain!

One of the latest evil machines self-destructs as Agent P flies away with his gear.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz shouts, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"

///Death Battle\\\

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

///Death Battle\\\

It's a nice, sunny day upon an exact replica of a suburban neighborhood. A mother takes the family car and drives off to run some errands. Out in a backyard, two boys sit and relax under a tree. One appears to be a triangle with a tuft of red hair. The other boy looks like a cylinder with a patch of green hair. The first boy pulls out a rolled-up blueprint.

Phineas opens the paper up. "Okay, so I believe I've compiled a list of everything we'll need to help Isabella see her first unicorn."

Ferb blankly stares at his brother, before giving a thumbs up.

Phineas looks around. "Hey, where's Perry?"

Unbeknownst to either of them, the green Platypus is just around the corner of their house. He hops onto his webbed feet and dons his uniform: a classically brown fedora. He quietly knocks on a board of the wall. Instantly, a hatch just big enough for him to fit through opens up. He rushes through the hole in the wall before it automatically shuts.

In the next second, the silent protagonist is sliding down a system of transparent pipes. A chihuahua wearing the same kind of fedora passes by in a nearby pipe pathway. He tips his fedora before disappearing from the viewer's sight. Meanwhile, the platypus continues until he lands cleanly on an orange chair in front of an oversized computer monitor. He punches a couple of the buttons before the screen turns on and the picture comes into focus.

"Good morning, Agent P!" The mustached Major Monogram gives a quick nod before continuing. "Dr. Doofenshmirtz is up to no good again. It seems he's combining two of his previous Inators. You know what they say: two bads don't make a good."

"Um, sir," interrupts the voice of the intern off to the side, "don't you mean 'two wrongs don't make a right'?"

Major Monogram looks to his left, rather miffed. "Carl, what did I tell you about interrupting me while I'm briefing the agents?"

"Not to do that, sir?"

"Exactly!"

"Sorry, sir."

The man on screen shifts his gaze back down and forward. "Anyway, put a stop to Doofenshmirtz' evil scheme, Agent P!"

Agent P salutes before hopping out of the chair. The platypus straps on a jet pack and the plumes of fire rocket him out through a tunnel exit. The camera shifts to show a side-view as he enters the atmosphere, a few stories above most of the houses' rooftops.

~Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated~

As the jingle so helpfully points out, a skyscraper with that exact name painted across the top floor is at the center of the shot. Agent P flies over to one side of the open floor before touching down. He turns off his jet pack and unstraps himself. He does a couple fancy cartwheels before kicking a door in. He jumps about twenty feet into the room, when a cream pie suddenly slams him in the face.

When the platypus gets a moment to notice his surroundings, he appears to be a creamed mess that's trapped in the spring of a makeshift jack-in-the-box.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, so unhappy to see you." His ugly nemesis in a white lab coat walks out of a badly lit shadow. "And by unhappy, I mean un-unhappy. See, it's a double-negative 'cause I'm actually quite happy to see you trapped." He scratches his chin. "At least, I think that's how you say un-unhappy." He waves his hand dismissively. "Anyway..."

Agent P tries wiggling about. At first glance, this just seems to be causing the jack's spring to stretch and contract with no change in his position or discomfort. For now, he settles for giving the pharmacist the stink eye. Said pharmacist gives a similar glare at his ceiling.

"If you keep calling me that, I'm going to dedicate the next few minutes inventing a Painfully-Kill-The-Narrator-inator!"

The platypus agent looks left, then right, before tilting his head questionably.

"Sorry, Perry the Platypus." Doofenshmirtz turns around, looking sincerely apologetic. "I've had a severe case of hearing beyond the fourth lately. At first I thought it would be cool to be able to break reality, but as it turns out it's very annoying and I could accidentally erase all of Danville if I do it too often. And if Danville is destroyed, what would I have left to take over?"

Despite being trapped, Agent P reaches up his front right limb and scratches behind his head.

"Anyway, you're not here for that." The doctor resumes his goofy smile. "Behold, the Trans-Evil-inator!" He pulls back a sheet, revealing a contraption that looks like a discombobulation of several mechanical and electrical parts. "You see, I've been thinking too small. Why create just one Inator when I could have two for a slightly lower cost than the two separate Inators? This is but the first prototype in what I intend to be a long succession of fused Inators." He looks at his trapped nemesis, and points at his machine. "The Trans-Evil-inator takes the concept of my Transdimension-inator and combines it with my Evil-inator from a few schemes back. With the right settings, I can transport something from another dimension into this one and make it completely evil at the same time, and I don't even need to switch machines to do it."

Agent P's tails starts sliding back and forth along one section of the jack's spring.

"And once I have my mystery evil, transdimensional object, I will use it to rule the Tri-State Area!" Doofenshmirtz laughs, coughs, takes a drink from a nearby glass of water, and then laughs again. "Here comes the first of many new evils."

He turns some dials and presses a button. The Trans-Evil-inator whirs to life with a strange pattern of lights. A rift inside the doctor's room takes the shape of a green disk. The disk opens up and pulls something unusual through. Whatever it is falls to the floor with a loud thump.

"Now, Perry the Platypus, meet your doom at the nonexistent mercy of..." He loses his smirk when he gets a better look at what he summoned. "A life-sized Barble-Mare doll? How is that supposed to spell doom for anyone?" He starts fiddling with the dials again. "Maybe I need to pinpoint better coordinates."

Agent P leaps in from off screen and kicks Doofenshmirtz in the back of the head. The impact sends the doctor falling over a few feet away from the machine.

"Perry the Platypus?!" He groans. "I should have known you wouldn't give up on escaping my cleverly designed trap."

The mare that was accidentally summoned slowly stares ahead. Her eyes look like they're covered in a blood-red haze. She lets out a whinny before galloping forward.

"Wait, no! I'm supposed to be your evil master!" Doofenshmirtz yells while struggling to get on his feet. "Stay back! I command you to back the schnitzel up!"

As soon as the scientist's other leg straightens out, the pony makes contact with a slam of her back hooves. Doofenshmirtz is sent flying out of a window. The broken glass seems to add injury to insult by following his trajectory.

"Curse you, Perry the- Sorry! Force of habit! Curse you, randomly summoned horse toy!"

The pony turns its red eyes toward the last remaining occupant of the room. Agent P blinks, uncertain of what to make of this situation. The pony makes it simple by tapping the Trans-Evil-inator again. Another green rift spits out a silver briefcase onto the floor. The mare opens it up and puts on a pair of sunglasses. In response, Agent P gets into a fighting stance and performs a taunt with his front limb.

"FIGHT!"

Agent Sweetie Drops takes the taunt and gallops forward. She closes the distance between them and jabs with her left hoof. Perry raises an arm to slap the hoof away, while taking a swing with his opposite arm. Sweetie ducks her head before headbutting the platypus right under his bill.

Agent P voices a disgruntled chitter before pecking repeatedly at his opponent's mane. Despite her current, inexplicably evil state of mind, she still voices grumblings of pain at every peck. After a good ten or so pecks, she quickly spins around. Her tail smacks her foe away. Just as Perry is about to hit a wall, he holds his own tail straight out. His tail bends upon contact with the wall, but he slows down considerably.

In the next second, his tail straightens back out and launches him forward. He collides with the pony, resulting in a dust cloud fight. Aside from the occasional limb from either combatant sticking out, it's difficult to tell who is gaining an advantage if any. A suspiciously familiar-looking light gray, blue, and pink pony appears off to the side of the rumble and she cheers herself on. In the next instant, a third Sweetie Drops appears and roots with similar opinions as the first look-alike.

The dust clears, showing Perry and the first Sweetie Drops right in each other's face. Agent P looks around and is surprised when he sees two more ponies with the same color and build. He looks around between the three of them a few times. In doing so, he leaves himself open to his first opponent pinning him to the floor. He wriggles around, but seems stuck under her hooves.

Perry's tail whacks straight up between Sweetie Drops' hind legs. The picture pauses on a photo-negative shot of the pony's cringing face. She rolls off onto her back while reaching down her front hooves to... um... assess the damages. She winces and shuts her eyes tight.

Meanwhile, the platypus pulls out a grappling hook and shoots it up toward the ceiling. He quickly raises himself and swings around. His webbed feet kick the two spectator Sweetie Drops. This sends both of the extra ponies flying over into their first self. Only one Sweetie Drops is left as she slides along the floor, struggling to stand back up.

Evil's red eyes still glow firmly in Sweetie Drops' sockets. She pulls out a length of rope and swings around the climbing hook on one end of it. After a few practice spins, she throws the rope hook-first, straight at the enemy. Agent P activates the helicopter propeller in his hat. Then, he tosses the hat horizontally.

The spinning metal collides with the four hooks of metal and the parts scramble into each other. The rest of the rope falls short of its target. Meanwhile, the hat flies back like a boomerang to Perry's grasp and head. He then picks up the end of the rope closest to him and gives it his own spin. Before Sweetie Drops can retaliate, she finds herself twisted up in her own rope. She neighs in frustration while struggling to get out.

Agent P runs over to his jet pack and brings it back with him. He holds up the jet booster right next to the trapped pony's face. He flicks the "Turbo" switch on. A huge stream of flame shoots out, melting Sweetie Belle's features and singeing the rope that she was tied in. Immediately after, Perry loses control of the jet pack and it flies itself right into the Trans-Evil-inator. The machines explode upon contact with each other.

Somehow, that duo of explosions cause a chain reaction of other explosions in the Doofenshmirtz building. Agent P makes a mad dash around new debris and fire. He jumps off the balcony and triggers his hang-glider. He escapes the exploding building without a word.

~Agent P!~

K.O.!

///Death Battle\\\

I'm not sure if Michael Bay should be proud, crying, or suing this chain of events.

This really shouldn't have been a surprise. While it's possible that Sweetie Drops could potentially have the raw strength advantage as an earth pony, Perry simply outclassed her in everything else.

While his owners equate his actions to "not much", there is proof that he actually has done a whole deal, including saving all of his host family members in some form or another at least once. Meanwhile, there's not a whole lot of proof that Sweetie Drops has physically rescued her friend from the clutches of evil aside from some implications.

And Perry has Sweetie Drops beat in experience and tactics. While it's possible that Sweetie has taken some equivalent to the activities as her human counterpart, none of it really stems beyond acting like she's fighting. Whereas, Perry has genuinely fought Doofenshmirtz and a few other enemies from time to time. Plus, he had a larger arsenal of options to choose from in mobility and actually fighting than Sweetie who was limited by lack of shown feats and a lack of materials at her disposal.

Bon Bon's chance to win melted away.

The winner is Perry the Platypus.

///Death Battle\\\

~She's a hard-to-be-spotted, earth pony off in the background
She has a different voice in every scene that play-ee-ays
She's got two colors in mane
And three candies wrapped the same
And another mare whose friendship will never fade~
~She's Bon Bon
Bon Bon the Earth Pony
Bon Bon...~
(You can call her Sweetie Drops)
~Bon Bon the Earth Pony~
(I said, "Call her Sweetie Drops.")
~Agent Sweetie Drops~
---

Author's Note:

Probably put too much into this one. Meh, that's about what I usually do when I'm too enthused.

Comments

[Starlight Nova]

Hidden stash of what?

[Dirty Bit]

Doofenshmirtz's dialogue was spot-on.

"Curse you, Perry the- Sorry! Force of habit! Curse you, randomly summoned horse toy!"

This would be my favorite line

The pony turns its red eyes toward the last remaining occupant of the room. Agent P blinks, uncertain of what to make of this situation. The pony makes it simple by tapping the Trans-Evil-inator again. Another green rift spits out a silver briefcase onto the floor. The mare opens it up and puts on a pair of sunglasses. In response, Agent P gets into a fighting stance and performs a taunt with his front limb.

I got some Albert Wesker vibes from that. Even thought the music link would be Winds of Madness.

[TundraStanza]

8907042
What do you mean? Where do you see that?

[Tetsuya Kintame]

Gonna come right out and say it now; This match-up was just plain goofy.

[TundraStanza]

8907616
Wouldn't be the first time I paired a goofy match-up. It probably won't be the last.

[leslie2000]

8907747
Loki (from The Marvel Movies) Vs Nightmare Moon

[MatTheBook]

Agent P from the Organization Without a Cool Acronym. Secret Identity: Perry the Platypus.

PERRY THE PLATYPUS!!!?

[MatTheBook]

"Curse you, Perry the- Sorry! Force of habit! Curse you, randomly summoned horse toy!"

See you in the hospital
8907747