The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

D is For...

Please make sure that your "Formatting" is set to "Dark", not "Light". Thank you.

A/N: Ah... dang it.
Properties in this story belong to-
Hasbro!
ScrewAttack!
and Marvel entertainment.
Oh, come on! At least let me say my own pre-chapter notes in peace!
---

The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season 3

E 15

Holy crap! It is freezing in here! We were here at noon. It was not this cold!

So that's where I put my bonfire. I've been looking for that everywhere.

Wait, how does fire...? What...?

When a character wishes to bend reality to their whim, there is sometimes no stopping them.

Especially when they have the power to shatter the fourth wall entirely. The likes of which include Deadpool: the Merc with a Mouth.

And Discord: the master of chaos and disharmony.

Wait... does something feel off to you?

Um... yeah. These are both canonical characters, not fan creations. Why were we given these scripts?

Oh, W and B will be along momentarily. For now, let's have a little fun!

Sweet *jay* *cee*! What the *eff* is that?!

Oh, that's right. You've never actually met me before. Have you, Mr. Wall?

Eh... *ahem* F, this is Discord. Discord, this is F.

A pleasure to meet you at long last.

Um, sure. *cough* One second please.

F lights a cigarette and takes a long drag from it. Discord puts a hand next to his mouth as he looks at the audience.

The director does not condone the use of smoking tobacco or any other flammable products. Characters that do so in this story are meant to be there solely for comedic effect.

What the hell are you mumbling about?

Discord turns back to the unicorn host.

Nothing at all. Actually, I was just wondering why you four hosts refer to yourselves only by the first letter of your names.

*exhales* It's a guard against stupid suing. It's not a perfect defense, but it's better than outright showing to the world a stolen character.

But you don't ask Marvel, Capcom, Nintendo, and all those other big corporations for permission to write about their characters. Why should your true identities be any different?

Not that this isn't a fine topic of conversation, but aren't we forgetting what we're supposed to be doing here in the first place?

Oh, yeah! *facehoof* Duh! We've got to get moving. She's N and I'm F.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

---Death Battle---

Deadpool
-Real name: Wade Winston Wilson; other aliases: The Merc with a Mouth, Regenerating Degenerate, Ninja Spider-Man
-Assassin, mercenary-for-hire, "the next great superhero"
-A living, breathing tumor with Wolverine's healing factor, super strength, speed, and agility
-Can fight off multiple armed thugs while talking on the phone
-Magic satchel: carries just about anything that Wade could ever want; some unusual items include a Carbonadium sword, an infinity stone, and... crayons
-Favorite weapons: twin katanas, machine guns, grenades, sledgehammers, a teleportation belt
-Sloppy in battle
-So unpredictable that sometimes even he doesn't know what he's going to do next

"Heeey! Yeah you! I'm down here busting my *ss while you sit on yours watching me jump around! How is that fair?"

Meanwhile, in a separate recording studio...

J says, "In three, two, one... Go, W."

Wade Winston Wilson was a globetrotting mercenary looking to become the world's next greatest superhero. Then he was diagnosed with cancer, which hit him like a backstab from his own Carbonadium sword.

What's with you and oddly specific circumstances?

S steps away from the microphone and whispers, "That's what's in the script."

*ahem* He gave up on life, quit his chemo treatments, and dumped his girlfriend to free her from the burden of loving a man doomed to die.

At least that was the case, until Department K gave him another chance at life through the Weapon X program. They injected Wade with Wolverine's healing factor. They treated his body like a playground for a number of deadly experiments.

While his cells now regenerate faster than the cancer can kill him, he's still very much affected by the tumors. It's a good thing he wears that mask or we'd be forced to watch it.

Oh, right... still need mind bleach for that painful sight.

Infused with strength, speed, and stamina, Wade staged a dramatic escape and took on his fellow inmates' suggestion of the name Deadpool, named after the placed bets on who would win and who would die.

Can I borrow these? 'Kay thanks!

Deadpool swipes the scripts.

J calls out, "What the heck? How did he... just... what?"

Now back to our studio...

Here! Read these.

Uh... somehow Deadpool has an uncanny awareness of whatever video game, comic book, TV show, or amazingly written story that he's in.

N shuffles her papers and reads the pointed out line word for word.

Huzzuh what now?

Basically, he's an expert at obliterating the fourth wall.

Like he did to my ex-wife- WHAT?!

N's cheeks turn red as she slowly puts the piece of parchment down.

Ha ha ha ha! Oh my gaude! This is hilarious. Ha ha ha!

What horrible words have escaped my mouth? *sobs*

F coughs and spits out his cigarette.

Deadpool's regenerating factor is so quick-acting that he can survive numerous deadly situations. These include getting his heart ripped out, getting his head blown to smithereens, or being melted into a puddle. Even when he does "die" he simply flirts with Death and tries to *eff* her in her non-existent baby maker.

N's face is down flat against the desk.

Though he can pull out almost any weapon he wants out of the magic satchel, he does have his favorites.

Katanas, machine guns, and a teleportation belt... oh my! Sledgehammers, pineapple surprises, and a continuity-altering infinity stone! It's like my own slice of heaven.

His quickdraw is fast enough to take down seven Hydra agents at once. He has taken on multiple armed goons... while talking on the phone. Plus, he's so unpredictable that Taskmaster, the guy whose power is literally predicting his opponents' moves, couldn't predict Deadpool's moves. There was also that one time where he managed to kill the entire Marvel universe. It was all thanks to a heal factor nullifying sword made of Carbonadium. *Eff*ing cheater.

The crying starts to die down a little.

Are you going to be all right, N?

*sniff* Yeah, I'll be all right. Let's just... move on. Go.

Unlike most people, I can't die! I can make all the mistakes so you don't have to.
---
A/N: Hey!
---

---Death Battle---

Discord
-Voiced by John de Lancie; inspired by Star Trek's Q
-Draconequus; manipulator of chaos
-Causes havoc with just a snap of his claws or even a fake sneeze
-Recently made friends with Fluttershy
-Can bend his body every which way, levitate and teleport without any visibly concentrated magic, and alter the events happening on the screen to the point that the viewer asks, "What the frigate track?"
-Can be held still by the Elements of Harmony

~A little glass of water please~
---
A/N: Don't even go there!
---
Wow, this director sure is a stick in the mud.

Tell me about it. Oh, but I have good news. *yoink* I found the other two hosts while your information was being discussed.

Wait, what? What's going on? Where am I?
---
A/N: Shirayuki?!
---
Tundra?!

What in the hay is going on?
---
A/N: Son of a fire cracker! These aren't W and B, Discord!
---
They're not? Huh. I could have sworn they looked so similar... Oh well. *snap*

The white alicorn in green armor and the orange earth pony disappear from the set.

... That was weird.

That's about what you can expect when Discord gets involved. Over one thousand years ago, he caused a lot of trouble for ponies all across the land. He has the power to provoke chaos, essentially destroying any semblance of sense wherever he goes.

And he can do all of this just by snapping his finger... claw... talon... things?

That's right! Want to see a demonstration?

No, I think I had enough of one by you teleporting AJ and that other pony in here earlier.

Discord snaps a claw. F's mane freezes solid. He chatters his teeth in response.

It's much more fun to experience it first hoof. May I call you "I"?

No, Discord. We've confused the audience enough as is. We should really get back to-

So, I, who do you have the hots for?

W-W-What does th-th-that h-have t-t-t-t-to d-d-do with an-n-n-nything?

It doesn't. *snap* Oh, look! A Fluttershy.

A pair of monarch wings flap through while carrying a miniature Fluttershy head.

Right! Fluttershy was trusted with reforming him to the path of good, and she succeeded... more or less. Despite his tendency to manipulate the situation, however, Tirek was able to outwit him in his own field with the offer of freedom. Though, the centaur's betrayal soon snapped Discord out of his falsified friendship fantasy.

True. Being a heartless villain isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Just stick to playing all the sides against each other. It's more fun that way!

That's a rather intriguing view. I must admit.

C-C-C-Could y-you p-p-please g-g-g-get th-this ice off of my h-h-h-h-head?

Shouldn't take a moment. *snap*

A spoon appears in Discord's paw. He proceeds to take spoonfuls of perfectly chaotic, shaved ice from atop F's head.

Mmmm, fire sauce.

J-J-Jerk...

Time for the cucumber sandwiches!

---Death Battle---

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

Achoo! *sniff* *sniff* Ugh... It's t-t-time for a D-D-D-Death B-B-Battle... so cold...

---Death Battle---

So, where are we now?

It would appear that we're in a forest, answers a sophisticated voice inside the merc's head.

Oh, the jungle! Do they have fun and games? asks a very crazed voice that shares thinking space.

Perhaps they have Monopoly.

I want to meet Rudolph and Bambi. You think they'd sign my deer rifle?

Don't be ridiculous. They would much prefer to sign my white glove.

Uh, news flash, boys: We don't have either of those things.

Right, the objects are too realistic to fit the joke. Pfft. What a wimpy drawback.

I concur. Drawbacks are quite cowardly. So, do we actually have any idea what we're doing?

Well, according to page 7, we were hired by some anonymous big-spender to kill a dragon-horse that calls himself Discord.

I believe that's pronounced 'draconequus', corrects the higher class voice.

Draco-horse, dragon-equine; tomato, banana. It's all the same. Let's go kill it!

I suppose you're right.

Great, now which way is he?

As the narrator finally gets a word in, the moment is short-lived. A puff of white light seems to pop out of nowhere as a conglomeration of several different animals appears on a single body.

Oh, come now, narrator. You don't have to describe my physical features every single time I appear.

What are you talking about? This is the first time I've ever talked in detail about you.

Right... I forgot that was the other narrator who blew off his job.
---
A/N: You mean you blew him up with real dynamite.
---

Like I said, who needs details?

The five or ten readers that haven't watched all the previous seasons of Friendship is Magic need those details.

... Am I being ignored?

It appears that you are being neglected in favor of another argument.

Hey, I wanna argue too!

"All right, I'll cut right into their conversation," says the masked ninja as he pulls out his twin swords: Leonardo One and Kill William Mcgee.

---
A/N: *exhales* This is why I don't work with Loki rip-offs.
---

Well then, it's a good thing Loki ripped off me.

Can I get back to my job or is this just not going anywhere?

"Don't bother, pal. We can take care of ourselves like the big boys that we are," interrupts a sexy merc's voice.
---
A/N: Wait, when did you...?
---

Yeah, you guys move slower than molasses when you're arguing. Let's just move right to the good stuff, the stuff that all the good little boys and girls in the audience came to watch: me screwing with a draconic-kiss's head and frying the rest of him in a batter.

I always wondered what I would taste like fried, though I'm more curious to see how I can grill a regenerating degenerate.

Um, we're still in the forest, right?

*snap* Nope, now we're in the Breezies' homeland.

"Hold that thought, big guy," says the Raging Sex Machine as he pulls out an odd little stone. The scenery changes around again to reflect a city burning down. It's the middle of a nazi zombie apocalypse! Isn't that great? Oh, but you two should watch out right... behind you.

What do you mean? *nabbed* What the... No! Let go of me!
---
A/N: Stay back! I have Sode no Shirayuk-EEEEEEEEE!
---

"Farewell, gentlemen. We hardly knew ye." Super Deadpool performs the one-finger salute over his chest. "So..." He pulls out his pistols. "How about we get started?"

I'm all for narrating my suave moves and red pool vanishing tricks. Let me just do this! *snap*

"FIGHT!"

No, no, no, wrong! You say it like this!

"FIGHT!"

The most beautiful creature in existence looks steadily at the pitiful boy. "I think that's enough lip from you for today." He snaps his gorgeous lion's paw and the degenerate's lips now rest on top of Discord's grasp.

A moment passes while Deadpool pats his face in shock as his voice only comes out in muffles. However, the last humph sounds pretty clever and savant. The lips in that dragon-horse's grasp start moving of their own accord and ask, "I think you're forgetting something important."

"Really?" asks Discord in amusement. "And what would that be?" He idly tosses the lips up and down a couple of times.

This time the voice comes from Deadpool's face. "Every part of my body replaces itself in a matter of seconds."

"Oh," says the draconequus plainly with a dumbfounded look. "Swizzle sticks."

"But I'm guessing your body doesn't," says the merc. He takes aim with the best pistols in the world. "Ba-da-bum-ba-da-bye!" Each syllable is matched with an equally loud shot fired. The last one goes right through to the beast's heart.

Yet what this guy fails to understand is that a draconequus's anatomy is not like any of the creatures he is composed of. That wasn't my heart at all. I simply snap and flap my wings while blowing a raspberry at him. Said raspberry splatters its juice all over his mask.

So you're a fruit guy, huh? How about a nice helping of pineapples?

While the offer of spiky fruit is tempting, I swivel out of the way in time for two fiery explosions to go off behind me. It seems bombs are just getting smaller and smaller as time goes on.

While he's distracted by time-travelling philosophy, I run in for cutting time. ~La, la-la, la-la-la~

I conjure a pair of scissors between my claws and counter the swords in ways that no pony can comprehend. I even snip his belt off.

Good thing I always carry a spare and wrap it around before I lose my pants. Bam! *flash*

Where did he go?

Shh, be very quiet. I'm winding up my sledgehammers for a surprise attack. 1... 2... Wham!

Your favorite villain flies head over toe into the nearest building. Some bricks fall out along his outline.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You sure leave a big impression, Discord! Ha ha ha ha ha!

While he's busy laughing, I snap the fluff on my tail to bring back the zombies that wandered off earlier and... *ahem* convince them to get their next meal on the ground below.

My phone is ringing. "Hello?" A bit of gibberish is prattled through the line as I slap a zombie b**** with my sledgehammer. "Yes." Another question from the woman is placed while I flip a surprisingly handsome zombie on his head and dropkick him into the rest of the crowd. "I said yes the first time! Hold on." I vanish into the light and reappear just to bash this gorilla of a zombie's head in. "Right, anything else?" Another round of blabbing is met with a round of one-handed mini-gun fire. "I'll call you back later, you old hag!" Sheesh, Aunt Fefe is such a chatterbox. People say I'm annoying.
---
A/N: Ugh... eh... you are annoying.
---

And you just proved my point. What was I doing again?

You're riding a valkerian steed while singing I'm a weenie-dooky.

Whoa, so you're funny with the way things work too? Well, I've got something for that. Discord's underwater while Superman's heat vision cooks him alive.

Yeah? Well, Deadpool is sucking on Death's *****.

Oh, baby... come to Daddy.

Ergh, I mean Rainbow's mane.

"What the heck?! Get off of me you weird red thing!" *buck*

Huh. There's got to be something less boring than falling from the clouds. Oh, I know! I'm having a slapfight with Discord as the ground gets ever so closer.

Down low! Too slow!

Aw... d**n it.

"Wait... why is there something on the ground that spells out the letters W... h... a... t... t... h... e... f... u..." *ground explosion*

Twenty ounces never fails.

I keep telling you: Make your measurements in American.

---Death Battle---

Wait, what? You can't just end it there! Where's the big K.O.?

I guess the world may never know.

Actually, I've got your answer right here.

Deadpool pulls out an off-white sword and slashes through Discord's stomach and neck.

I noticed you were able to heal back up pretty quick. This little baby just made that effect go bye-bye.

Discord's head still moves.

I don't have a healing factor to take away in the first place.

Oh...

But you see that Carbonadium sword of yours? *snap*

A lone lion's paw now wields the blade behind Wade.

My sword now.

It digs through Deadpool's spine and chest.

Ow, seriously? Good thing I've still got this!

Deadpool pulls out the infinity stone and rewrites reality to the point that both combatants are still unharmed inside the studio.

It would seem we're at an impasse.

Looks that way, John. Say, hosts? Can you tell us who wins this fight?

Er... well...

That is to say...

I mean he can...

But he can too... so...

But then there's...

Uh...

Hmm...

A door slams open.

That's it! Nobody's stopping me this time! I am killing him once and for all! *click-chunk*

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

B's shotgun goes off as Deadpool heads out the door.

And as for you...

W tosses a set of headphones on Discord and turns one of Skrillex's songs up to 11.

Aaaaaah! It burns! Chaos isn't supposed to be so... orderly... *kerplop*

Discord vanishes to who-knows-where, leaving the headphones to drop to the floor.

*ahem* So, as you were going to say...

Their unpredictable natures would pretty much clash to the point of no decisive end.

So the winner of any given encounter between those two has a fifty-fifty shot.

This Death Battle is a draw.

---Death Battle---

Author's Note:

Remember: No matter how sexy you are, I'm sexier! Bachow! Deadpool is leaving the building.

Comments

[Dirty Bit]

media.giphy.com/media/v12FFFTON0WgE/giphy.gif

[ShadowLDrago]

"All right, I'll cut right into their conversation," says the masked ninja as he pulls out his twin swords: Leonardo One and Kill William Mcgee.

Those are actually some pretty cool names.

Also, not sure what just happened, not that I'm surprised, and when did Deadpool get his hands on an Infinity Stone?

Also, Discord is good at mind meddling, he could do something that would make even Batman faint like Rarity, turn Deadpool sane. Then again, he won't, because that'd make sense and what fun is there in making sense?