The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Weird, Weirder, Yet Weirder

Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark" before you continue reading. Thank you.

A/N: I cannot guarantee satisfaction with the end result. May contain spoilers for... anything, really.
Properties belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Alex Hirsch. Additional properties belong to their respective owners.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season the Sixth

The director said something about incorporating different fonts. Unfortunately, he couldn't figure out how to implement them. We apologize in advance for the lack of wingdings.

Rules are often held sacred. They give order and a sense of reason to things. But when the rules are ignored, things can get very messed up, very quickly.

And these two will break every rule there is just to satisfy their own sick fantasies.

Discord: the self-appointed spirit of chaos and disharmony.

And Bill Cipher: the top-hatted yellow Illuminati symbol of Gravity Falls.

He's B and I'm W, and it's our job to analy-

*bzzrt!*

Uh... to analyze their-

*woooo-ah-tu-a-tu-warble*

Hey! What's going on?

I... don't know. This doesn't usually hap-

*Bzzrt! Towa! Tow! Poof!*

...

A typewriter noise sounds a very distorted title card. The letters of the phrase "Death Battle" are unrecognizable shapes.

I believe we can introduce ourselves just fine. *Ahem* Hello, everypony, every person, and every those-of-unspecified-animal-vegetable-or-mineral! My name is Discord, and I'll be your winner for today.

Um... you're not allowed to reveal or lie about the final verdict.

It's not a spoiler if it's obvious. Come now! Did you not see any of my appearances in the show Friendship is Magic? First of all, where have you been? Second of all, I'm practically unstoppable. To even take me down a peg requires a Deus Ex Machina like the Elements of Harmony. And since those are no longer part of the picture, I can't possibly be overpowered.

---
A/N: Says the second-to-last creature to lose their magic to Tirek, with the last one being a super-charged Princess Twilight.
---

That was a form of a Diablo Ex Machina. As I was going to say, with Tirek out of the picture, I'm once again on top, baby! Ah ha ha ha ha! But seriously, I can do anything. Even the OP unicorn Starlight Glimmer recognized my potential of beating an army just by sneezing in the wrong direction.

---
A/N: Why can't you just let B and W do their jobs and explain this for you?
---

Isn't it obvious? I can break the fourth wall to the point of recognizing writing setups and share a secret with the audience that the rest of the ponies can't hear. What I'm doing right now is yet another example of how I break the game. By the way, you lost the game.

---
A/N: *sigh* Your overconfidence is your weakness. That's why it was determined that you would lose to certain fictional characters in previous chapters that you've been in.
---

Aww... is somebody feeling butt-hurt? Shall I call a wambulance for you?

---
A/N: What the...? You're not supposed to know that joke!
---

To summarize, I can do anything. What's this yellow triangle going to do that I can't?

---
A/N: If you could un-static our show hosts, I'm sure they'd be more than happy to explain just that.
---

Oh, fine. Freaking black-and-red-hedgehog lover... *snaps*

~~~Death Battle~~~

Bill Cipher
-Age: "Trillions of years"
-Has strongly influenced the dreams of older residents in Gravity Falls
-Favorite attacks: beams, bubbles, and hexing fires
-Reality warping: can remove sanity, destroy time, shift space, rearrange bodily orifices, turn living organisms to stone, bring feral life to the inanimate objects
-Weirdmageddon: Let me put it this way... Weird Al's prediction that "Everything you know is wrong" becomes 100% accurate
-Weaknesses: Pokes to the eye, synchronized music, and vulnerable to mind wipes when inside someone else's head

Brrrrr-ah! We're back! Oh, man. That felt really bad.

Y-Yeah... there's a reason we don't allow Discord to fight every single time. *Ahem* One summer day, two twelve-year-old twins were sent away from California to a town in Oregon called Gravity Falls. While their purpose seemed to be helping their great uncle run his store to con cash out of tourists, nothing about the town could be taken at face value.

Gnomes that vomit rainbows, a muscle-bound character that looks like he was ripped straight out of Street Fighter, and last but not least... a freaking demon from another plane of existence!

Bill Cipher is from a trans-dimensional mindscape who repeatedly plays with the lives of Gravity Falls' citizens. His favorite and default form is very similar to the Eye of Providence shown on the back of any common United States one dollar bill. He is reportedly over one trillion years old and has an ego to match that length of time.

When he's given a physical form, there is a seemingly infinite number of things he can do just by thinking about it or flicking his tiny fingers around. He can take control of other people's bodies just by giving them a polite handshake, turn people to stone with laser fire, create giant eyeballs with bat wings to terrorize the populace, reshuffle eyes, ears, mouth, and nose on a person's face, and even wipe away sanity just by dipping people inside a multi-colored bubble. Permission to say what the *eff*!

He's more than your typical geometrical anomaly; that's for sure. When the all-powerful Time Baby tried to step in because Bill was bending the flow of time with one of his plans, Bill retorted by shooting a light from his eye that erased the several-billion ton baby from existence.

He can mess with physics and destroy time?! He sounds unstoppable! I knew getting that C- in Geometry was going to come back to bite me.

Powerful, he may be. But invincible, Cipher is not. While difficult for most of Gravity Falls' residents to pinpoint and take advantage of, this demon does have a few noteworthy weaknesses. For example, a strong enough impact to his eye or focusing synchronized music at him can paralyze him. Additionally, the aptly named Cipher ritual can trap him back in his transdimensional mindscape, forcing him to once again search for a way back into the physical realm.

Those sound more like inconveniences than actual weak points. Wish I could just shoot the darn guy to death like the rest of the enemies in my life.

But the most prominently exploited weakness in the Gravity Falls' universe is by way of mental erasure. If Bill gets trapped within the mind of one individual and then that person's memory is lost or forcibly destroyed, he will also cease to exist.

Yeah, but he's not fighting Dr. Strange or Psycho Mantis. He's fighting against a troll of the Equestrian universe. I think no matter who wins here, we're all going to lose.

Don't worry, B. I've got a way to save us just in case either of these two combatants gets out of control. And it's right h-

W pats his pockets all over himself.

... crap.

---
A/N: Well... it's a good thing I told the narrator to take today off. At least he won't die here.
---

~~~Death Battle~~~

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

~~~Death Battle~~~

I am switching my vocal modules to "Narrator Mode" now. *click*

We begin with a view of Discord's home dimension. It is filled with an abstract artist's wet-dream of colors all over the place. Floating platforms cover the sky at various points. A piano with teeth and wings chases after some weird cross between a bird and some unidentifiable creatures. The camera zooms in on a dilapidated house on a particular platform.

Our favorite draconequus floats above his couch. He seems to be munching on a box filled with the animator's pencil erasers. Why he's eating those as opposed to more pages from random books, I have no idea. But I digress.

Suddenly, the front door morphs into an oval. It then proceeds to be melted off its hinges. An unexpected guest floats in, tipping his top hat as he proceeds. He blinks his singular eye as he looks around the place.

"So this it the lifestyle of another reality warper?" The yellow triangle places both of his hands on his nonexistent hips. "I've got to tell you: I'm not impressed by what I see."

The draconequus lifts a brow to the ceiling, before yanking it back down to his face by way of his eagle talon. "And just who do you think you are, barging in on a guy's property like this?"

"Ha! You need to get out more!" The all-seeing triangle points a thumb at himself somehow. "I'm the only weirdness-maker that anyone will ever need to remember again: Bill Cipher! How do you not know me? Even the people who don't know me should already know me! I'm just that important!"

The resident shrugs either of his wings and proceeds to munch on his snack. He holds up one of the pencil erasers toward the triangle. "Care for a bite?"

"You seem to be missing my point." Bill lifts an index finger, causing the pencil eraser to lift up on its own. It spins around, then stops as a sharpened pencil. He flings the pencil and it sticks like a dart in the wall just above the draconequus's head. "I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to tell you to get off of my style... or else."

The draconequus poofs his bowl away. "My, my. You presume that you have a trademark on creating chaos? Isn't that 'Q't?"

"FIGHT!"

Discord snaps his fingers and summons two dust bunnies from under his couch. Despite not having any internal organs, they still appear rabid. Bill Cipher scoffs as he snaps a couple of his own minions into existence. They appear to be giant eyeballs with red wings and devil tails. The atrocities against nature bite and slap each other, expectantly covered by a dust cloud.

Meanwhile, their masters get to work summoning slightly different ammunition. Bill holds up his hands around his eye and shoots a giant laser. Discord pulls out a water pistol and shoots out a huge jet of water. The laser and water somehow meet in the air and push against each other. The classic beam struggle ends without any clear advantage taken.

"I think we need a different approach," suggests Discord.

"Yeah, blasting each other is kind of boring for a show that's all about fighting," admits Bill.

"How about we play a game of roulette?" The draconequus pulls out some of the chapters and shuffles the names around. "Equestria's cast for me, and the other people for you."

The triangle's eye smiles. "Sweet, I can torture you and humiliate you. It's the best of both worlds!"

The two wheels above Discord's limbs spin around before slowing down against respective selector arrows.

---
*In a black and white, rectangular space...*

A unicorn of a color that stands between pink and violet looks anxiously ahead. Her opponent appears to be a short guy in a jacket and slippers. His face is constantly smiling, despite the emotion given off by his eye. Yelling, the unicorn shoots a magic beam straight at him. Her blue irises shrink against her eyes when he casually steps out of the way.

"What? You didn't think I was just going to stand there and take it, did you?"

A blue aura wraps around Starlight Glimmer and slams her against the ground. Bones pop out all over the hallway and quickly move toward her. She casts a spell that adds a layer of teal to the aura currently around herself. She levitates up and around the bones. Though, a significantly larger one crashes into her face, forcing her back to the ground.

Starlight feels her limbs able to move freely again. After her horn glows again, she rushes up the right side of the hall and breaks one of the stained glass windows. She surrounds herself in a giant crystal-shaped shield as she jumps at her opponent's position. Sans vanishes and reappears, leaning against one of the support beams away from Starlight's attack.

"Reality is falling apart. So many timelines were created when you tried to get rid of one group of friends."

He lifts his hand, psychically slamming her against the ceiling. Three Gaster Blasters appear and shoot glowing beams from their mouths. Starlight holds up her shield spell, but it cracks under the pressure of the triple attack. Something feels like it's tugging inside her chest.

She uses her magic to slow down her fall to allow her to stand on the ground. She lifts a couple loose tiles from the floor and throws them. She casts a couple transformation spells on each of the tiles. Sans leans to the left and back to dodge the resulting knives. He shakes his head.

"But then all of those timelines popped. Guess you can't even reset properly."

Sans conjures more bones to bombard the area. Starlight teleports around, narrowly avoiding the bones. Both of them look like they're sweating as the fight goes on. Sans conjures a giant blaster and fires. Starlight funnels a large beam of magic and returns fire. Her heart thumps loudly and she grunts in pain.

She shifts some matter through her spell. Starlight creates a clone right behind Sans, performing the same spell as her original self. Sans grunts and takes a shortcut to the far right. The unicorn's clone pops as she and the skeleton look at each other in exhaustion.

"That being said, you sure like waving that horn of yours around. And I'm... getting... tired..."

His eye sockets slowly shut. He snores while standing on his feet. Starlight takes soft, quick steps toward her opponent. Then, she jumps at him... only for him to slide to the left. She belly-flops on the floor.

"Ha! Did you really think you could-"

A slicing sound effect is heard as a blue beam cuts through Sans' chest. Red liquid drips out of his ribs and his mouth. Starlight dispels her invisibility spell while holding her sharp-slashing spell. As for the clone that did the belly-flop, it fades away.

Sans holds finger bones against his open wound, staring with tiny white dots in his sockets. "So that's how it is... heh... heh..."

The 'weakest enemy' fades away into dust.

---

Discord: 1

Bill Cipher: 0

---
*Out in a random field...*

"You're jacking off my style and my name!" accuses Lighting Dust while pointing a hoof down at the hatted creature.

"I did not choose this name," explains Dust, wielder of Ahrah. "It was given to me by the Moonblooded."

"So you won't even apologize for infringement? Fine! How about you take this?"

The pegasus flies around in large circles, creating a tornado. She soon spins out of control and gets launched into the air by her own storm. Meanwhile, the bluish-gray anthro fox holds his hat down with one hand and his sword with the other. He spins it around rapidly, creating a windstorm of his own.

The storms spin in opposite directions to each other and slow down. Eventually, all that's left are a few breezes in every direction. The swordsman leaps into the air and spins parallel to the ground. He snags Ahrah against one of Lightning's wings. He front-flips and points downward.

He pummels her into the ground, snapping her neck and causing her eyes to roll back within her head.

---

Discord: 1

Bill Cipher: 1

---
*A giant stage background...*

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is the greatest magician in all of Equestria!"

Doctor Strange crosses his arms as his cape flaps by itself. "Prove it."

Trixie pulls out a deck of cards and magically spreads them out around behind her. Strange smirks and wraps himself in rings of blue light. The unicorn levitates the cards forth like a rain of projectiles. All fifty-two clang against the blue barrier and disintegrate. Immediately after that, a giant blue beam returns fire.

A smoke bomb sets off while Trixie runs to the left. Doctor's gloves glow in yellow as a few prisms of similar color appear around his opponent. Trixie gasps and halts her gallop. Strange throws what looks like a red fireball that collides with one of the prisms. It somehow shoots out into the second prism and then the third. Finally, it shoots out as a red burst that slams against Trixie's back.

The unicorn growls as her horn lights up. A rope quickly snakes out and wraps several coils around the man.

"Hah! Got you!" Trixie stands on her back hooves in celebration.

"Not exactly." The footage twirls around in circles before revealing a free Doctor Strange. "You got yourself."

"What?!" Trixie looks down to see that she is tied up in her own rope.

Strange lifts a palm upward. A golden yellow blast erupts from the ground under Trixie's hooves. She yells out and she falls over. Her rope and parts of her mane are singed. She grunts as she struggles to stand up. She magically pulls out her black-and-white cane wand and a star tipped wand.

"Trixie is... not done... yet." She pants between words.

"Don't beat yourself up too badly, Trixie."

Doctor meditates in midair. A ghostly image of himself flies out of his back and floats around Trixie. Startled, she loses grip on both of her wands and they fall to the ground. Red magical coils restrict her movement. Five yellow spheres circle around.

Strange turns his back and lowers his hand. The spheres all collide on top of Trixie as she lets out a scream.

"You were up against The Sorcerer Supreme."

---

Discord: 1

Bill Cipher: 2

---
*In the top left panel of a comic book setting...*

"I know we technically already did this. But how about a 'serious' round, just for kicks?"

"Okie-dokie-loki! Hee hee hee... Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

This ought to be a match to remember!

FIGHT!

Deadpool back-flips into a kick while Pinkie Pie spins around and bucks with her hind legs. The pony smacks him with a helicopter tail motion. However, he quickly counters by street dancing down low and twisting her around, using nothing but his feet. He follows up by yanking his read talk bubble from earlier and slamming her down to the bottom of the next page.

Pinkie Pie shakes herself back into shape, then jumps through the comic book. She gathers all of the page numbers and throws them all like paper planes. They hone in on the mercenary and pound against his cranium. Thinking quickly, he pulls out a laser pistol and shoots the bindings on the cover, melting the staples and setting fire to the rest of the comic.

With exclamation points running rampant, both of the fourth wall breakers leap out of the comic book into the third dimension. This startles the nerd who was reading the comic book, who runs out of the house while screaming in terror. Uncaring, Deadpool tosses a bola at Pinkie's hooves. Pinkie pulls a piece of taffy out of her mane and whacks the trapper's tool away. She then proceeds to take a bite out of her taffy and chews it.

The merc tries swinging his twin katana around. In response, the pony opens her mouth wide. The stretchy taffy in her mouth does a surprisingly good job at resisting the swords slashing against her. She bites down hard, shattering the blades into smithereens. Though, it looks like it does a similar job to her teeth.

Before the comic burns away completely, Pinkie reaches a hoof into the second dimension and pulls out an emergency set of teeth. She puts them into her mouth and they fit perfectly. Deadpool cries a little because his favorite swords got broken. But he shakes the tears out of his eyes and throws a grenade.

Pinkie's mane whips out and curves the grenade's path. Her tail reaches off screen and pulls out her Party Cannon. She stuffs the grenade into the cannon before pressing the fire button. The pineapple spins around through the air before exploding in Deadpool's face. He falls backwards for a few seconds, then his head molds back together. It looks no worse for wear as he leaps up onto his feet.

"Did you forget about Marvel's obsession with giving its characters a healing factor? It's like every hero and their mother has a gosh-darned healing factor at this point." He shakes his head.

"Ugh, I know, right? So overdone." She rolls her eyes. "I'm glad I can put myself back together after being damaged, but does that really have to apply to everyone?"

"Thankfully, I can fix that problem for one of us." He pulls out a sword that looks like a metal that shouldn't exist. "It's slicing and dicing time!"

The screen switches to a view that shows everything as shadowy objects. It looks like the new sword slashes in a manner similar to that of a quick-slicing Raiden. Several pony parts fall to the ground, somewhat jumbled.

"Man, aren't you glad we don't take this encounter seriously all the time? It'd be boring if I kicked the snot out of this horse every time we met."

"Yeah, that wouldn't be very fun at all."

"Wait, your healing factor shouldn't be working anymore after I cut you with Carbonadium. How are you still talking?"

"Maybe it's because I rely on the power of cartoons, not science fiction. But more importantly, are you ready to face déjà vu all over again?"

It's at this point that Deadpool looks down at his hands. An outline of the sword pops in and out to signify that it's missing.

"Oh, what the heck?!"

Pinkie Pie jams the Carbonadium sword through Deadpool's heart and knocks him onto his back. She then proceeds to push the sword upwards, cutting through his neck and skull as well. All the mercenary's mouth can manage is a bit of gargling before it can no longer speak.

"Alright, Discord! Last round's all you!"

---

Discord: 2

Bill Cipher: 2

---

"Hah! That pink toy pony actually thinks you have a chance of vanquishing me one-on-one?" A bunch of Google search images flash in the white of Bill Cipher's eye. "I'm about to show you the wrath of the Weird-mageddon!"

"I'm-a let you get right to that." Discord holds up a talon. "But first, I have a question for you."

"Oh yeah?" Bill puts his hands on his nonexistent hips. "And what's that?"

"Catch!" The draconequus tosses what appears to be a typical, anatomical collection of gray matter.

Cipher grabs hold of the brain. "That's not a question."

Discord snaps his lion claws. Suddenly, a vacuum cleaner opens in the brain and sucks really hard. The living triangle screams as his entire being is sucked into the brain. Discord snaps again and the brain floats into the cranium of a draconequus clone.

"Bye, William Decipher! Don't forget to write!" He snaps once more.

The clone, its brain, and all of the contents therein vanish from existence. There's a brief, static-y scream in Bill's voice before being immediately silenced. The universe exhales, as if sighing in relief.

"Well, time to get back to the cucumber sandwiches." He slides his front limbs against each other to wipe off the dust.

Apocalyptic K.O.!

~~~Death Battle~~~

What the...? But he... and they... but then... you... what the hell...

Well, I mean... that's about as much sense as anyone could possibly make when it comes to rule breakers on this scale. Both Discord and Bill Cipher's powers are seemingly limited only by what they imagine, and that's far beyond the scale that any mortal man was ever meant to comprehend.

Ugh, I think my head hurts. Give me a minute, W while you try to explain the in-explainable.

I'll certainly try. When it comes to beings that have powers that are only limited by whatever emotional state they're in, a calmer head usually wins out in terms of planning, scheming, and manipulation. While Bill is bound to go into blind rage by just about anything that displeases him, the only thing I know of that can really set Discord off is when Fluttershy is involved. Without her being there as a catalyst, Discord can keep a calm and collected, if somewhat twisted, perspective on whatever happens around him.

Plus, even if you tried separating body parts from him like his eyes, he can instantly reappear fully attached to whatever body part was displaced.

Then comes the matter of their specific weaknesses. Both are very specific and require conditions to be just right. While Tirek was able to trick Discord, it was through the promise of freedom and mutual partnership. Sure, Bill has tricked victims in the past, but once he got a physical body, he didn't care about the trust of other people or powerful beings. He was just fine being a prick to everyone. Discord can only be beaten through the power of friendship, trust, or Fluttershy. Bill can only be defeated by being trapped in somebody's mind and then having that mind erased.

Which is more likely to happen: Bill suddenly giving up his wickedness to utilize harmony and friendship to overcome chaos, or Discord's fourth-wall breaking eventually figuring out how to trap Bill inside a mind and then erasing him?

In the end, only one form of nonsense makes an inkling of sense.

Unfortunately for Bill, this fight really sucked out his brains.

The winner is Discord.

Yes! Ha ha! In your face, director!

---
A/N: Fine, enough already.
---

Discord snaps one more time before the chapter ends.

~~~Death Battle~~~

---

Author's Note:

...
I'm going to go take a nap. That was too much weird stuff for one day.

(Oh, no! It actually happened!)

Comments

[Saiyan of the North Star]

KO awesome chapter, Discord definitely showed Bill who's the true master of Chaos and totally win in a mind-blowing-crazy landslide!

[Dirty Bit]

Very nice. Over-the-top chapters like these, though few and far between, are always a delight to read.