• Published 18th Apr 2012
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) - TundraStanza



Think about it like Death Battle, only with less death and more hyperactive dialogue. It all started with a fateful encounter between Deadpool and Pinkie Pie. It turned into something bigger.

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The Heroes Behind the Masks

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A/N: Maybe it isn't because the man has something to hide, but rather something to protect.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and DC Comics. Slight inspiration taken from ToucanDLM.
---

The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season 4

Episode 6

~Na na na na na na na na, Death Battle... Death Battle... na...~

Sometimes, a hero is called to create a spectacle, shoot lasers, and show the whole world that someone's looking out for its people. But other times, it calls for an approach from the shadows, someone who is willing to take matters into their own hands... possibly for vengeance.

Batman: Dark Knight of Gotham.

... and Mare-Do-Well, the mysterious savior of Ponyville... who showed up once and was never seen again.

He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

---Death Battle---

Batman
-Secret identity: Bruce Wayne
-Officially not a superhuman
-At the peak of physical condition, allegedly without drugs of any variety
-Bat suit: invokes fear in his enemies, can glide, resist bullets and electricity, and can zap potential thieves
-Utility belt: contains smoke pellets, Batarangs, a grappling hook, a Kryptonite ring, and explosive gel
-Shock gloves: can create currents strong enough to stop Bane's heart
-Triangular GPS tracking, and radio wave communication
-Billions of dollars, twelve different Master's Degrees, and is a master of every single fighting style conceivable to man
-Mental stability is questionable

"From this moment on... none of you are safe."

As is common with the start of many heroic tales, Bruce Wayne faced tragedy at a young age.

The kid's parents were shot right in front of him on their way home from the theater. That couldn't have been good for his mental health.

Though, he didn't let the loss of his parents stop him from living. Instead, he focused his years in detective work, training in all of mankind's fighting styles, and fighting criminals whether he had the law's support or not.

The billions of dollars didn't hurt his efforts, either. He had enough to spend on resources for all sorts of gadgets that he keeps in his utility belt. Aside from a bunch of different Batarangs, his belt carries smoke pellets, a grappling hook, and probably even a beer. Oh, wait... no, that's just what my utility belt would have if I had one.

The Batman's suit is composed of Kevlar and several other components that make it highly resistant to bullets, knives, dog bites, and electricity. He can even glide short distances while wearing it.

That suit is ideal for striking fear in his opponents. I mean, what's scarier than using an animal shape that you're afraid of, too?

In addition, the cowl contains a radio communicator and GPS triangulation, allowing him to track the movements of practically everything by hacking into the cell phone frequencies.

Ask him where I left my wallet.

He also carries a few non-conventional items like a Kryptonite ring, explosive gel, and the shock gloves that are capable of outputting so much electricity that it can even stop Bane's heart.

Still, he's got a lot of brawn on his side without all the extra stuff. Despite being just human, he's managed to snag several black belts, dodged Darkseid's impossible-to-dodge Omega Beams, stealthed his way past Superman's super-hearing, and escaped a coffin after being buried alive twelve feet under the ground! Bad*ss!

You think that's crazy? Check out his singing voice!

~Am I blue? Am I blue?

Ain't these tears in my eyes telling you?

Am I blue? You'd be too

If each plan that you had done fell through~

I... that... wow...

It happened.

He really can do it all. Why? He's the g**d**n Batman!

"There is one thing I've never been good at: saying, 'Thank you.' "

---Death Battle---

Mare-Do-Well
-Secret identity: Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle
-Apparently possesses earth pony strength, pegasus flight, and unicorn magic
-Costume designed by Rarity, consists of many purple and blue hues
-Somehow able to sense hazards and avoid them just as quickly
-Is able to adjust her personal friction and jumping distance on the fly
-Was given her alias publicly by Mayor Mare
-Likes to run around alleyways for fun
-Apparently mute while in full costume
-Vanished without a trace, possibly to the same place to which Ponyville's pointless cliff was relocated

"I officially dub this new hero the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well!"

Few residents of Ponyville know the true origin of this masked hero.

It was starting out just fine. Rainbow Dash was just minding her own business, trying to relax, when all of a sudden a filly called out from the depths of a well that would put Timmy's fall to shame.

At first, it was just saving a few lives from their imminent deaths. But as she often does, Rainbow soon let the attention get to her head, and was still talking about her accomplishments weeks after the deeds had been done.

Then, this crazy equine version of Darkwing Duck showed up and outmaneuvered her rescue of a pony in a hot air balloon. As more and more deeds were accomplished by this masked hero, Dash soon lost all of her fangirls, and with them her will to live.

Several of Mare-Do-Well's feats are impossible, yet she was able to perform them anyway. She can apparently jump onto and over tall, distant mountains without looking all that far away herself. She's strong enough to stop a cart-full of ponies from sliding off a cliff even after it has had a runaway head start.

She can anticipate falling debris and she has magic necessary to make a broken dam function as completely brand new. Heck, she can gallop around so fast that she's in four different places at once, and can fly. Is she an alicorn? Heck, how do we even know for sure that she is a woman?

Well, the muzzle shape kind of gives her gender away. As for what type of pony she is, that seems to constantly change throughout her appearance in her own episode.

On top of that, she never once spoke... like... ever.

That was probably to conceal her identity.

Oh, that's bull crap! There are masked heroes that talk all the time that never get found out.

Huh. You have a point there.

I guess it doesn't really matter now. She's gone, and she's never going to come back. Hell, I don't even know if she'll show up for this battle.

"Alright, Miss Mysterious! Mystery... solved!" *gasp!*

---Death Battle---

All right, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

---Death Battle---

The meadow is a such a pleasant habitat. The sun is shining, bunnies are bouncing, and a fawn is getting a meal out of the grass and flowers at the meadow's edge. At least, that is the case until a really dark vehicle rushes by, makes a sharp turn, and slams against the deer child before speeding on its merry way. The fawn bounces a couple yards before stopping completely.

The fawn coughs. "Not again..."

The car with the sleek design rushes through the various scenes. It passes street after street of mismatched cartoons. Just as it seems to be moving along the streets of a more vibrant variety, a humanoid doll falls out of nowhere. This doll presses against the windshield with suction cups. So even though the car applies its brakes, the doll doesn't go anywhere.

After the car comes to a stop, a dark figure quickly rolls out of the driver's side. There's a bit of maniacal laughter coming from off the screen as the doll explodes, along with the front half of the car. The hooded and caped figure broods and stares at the ruined vehicle. Meanwhile on a rooftop, a clown in a purple tuxedo and weed-colored hair laughs, slaps his own butt, and then scurries just beyond view.

A grappling hook is pulled out of the black suit's belt. The unamused man points it up and shoots it at the roof. Within a couple of seconds, his whole body is pulled up and forward. He lands in a kneeling position on the roof. As he stands up, he notices a rather different-looking, purple-dressed figure. It almost looks like a really small horse. Said horse reaches up a hoof to adjust her hat.

"FIGHT!"

Capes flap in the air as the combatants run toward each other. There's a bit of a collision between fist and hoof. While slow and deliberate, one only has to listen for that clash of physical might. A few more of these types of blows are exchanged before the costumed pony backs up.

Batman tosses a couple of his trademark Batarangs. The small weapons whistle as they spin through the air. Mare-Do-Well ducks under one, gallops a little, and jumps over the second. Her dodgy leap sends her spinning into a full buck against the man's chest. He slides back, though he looks no worse for wear. In fact, he uses the momentum to grab Mare-Do-Well's hind legs and fling her over his head.

Mare-Do-Well seems to crash through the delicate rooftop. The Batman taps the side of his cowl, checking for any signs of life. But then, Mare-Do-Well comes flying in and slams against the back of his head. He brushes himself off, and looks slightly confused at the pony's sudden growth of wings.

The masked pony hero swing around for a couple more flybys. However, Batman ducks under the second pass. His shock gloves spark as he punches the incoming pegasus. She rolls along the roof several feet before falling over the edge. But then, she seems to teleport back onto the roof without any explanation. Not to mention, she somehow traded her wings in for a horn just under her hat.

They stare at each other between some widescreen bars. Although, those are quickly dispersed as that clown in a purple jacket shows up again. He seems to be holding a young filly as a hostage, and he's squeezing the poor little pony's head tightly between his fingers. He laughs, of course, and says a bunch of nonsensical words that will no doubt spark an existential flame war in the comments.

Discretely, Batman pulls out a couple more Batarangs and tosses them. Mare-Do-Well's horn lights up, as do the Batarangs. They start spinning much faster before they swiftly slide against the clown's wrist and part of his sleeve. His cry of pain and loss of control over his wrist are enough to set the filly free. Mare-Do-Well magically grabs her and pulls her out of the way.

This leaves plenty of room for Batman to run up, disable his shock gloves, and proceed to punch the clown in the face really, really hard. Said clown flies off the roof and lands on the edge of a metal dumpster. Batman takes a look at the groaning madman before turning back around.

Mare-Do-Well gives a slight nod to the Batman. He relaxes his shoulders ever so slightly. After that's done, the costumed pony teleports away with the child. Batman jumps down and ties up his actual nemesis.

"FRIENDSHIP!"

"Friendship? Again?"

---Death Battle---

I don't know whether I should be disappointed, or giving them props.

Both of these characters hide in the shadows of their secret identities, and they've trained their bodies beyond what should be possible for normal human beings. While Batman's wide range of gadgets would give him an edge, the same could be said about Mare-Do-Well's variety of natural abilities.

Given enough time, either one of them could probably find a winning move to outmatch the other. I mean, find a way to remove the costume, and you're ripe for whatever the opposition has in store for you.

But in the end, a never ending battle wasn't necessary, since a certain Joker was all too eager to rub some exploits in Batman's face.

They may not have been the heroes that filly deserved, but they were the ones she needed.

This Death Battle is a draw.

---Death Battle---

Next Next time on Death Battle...

A large swirl of dirt surrounds a figure with despairing eyes.

"I have to maintain this barrier no matter what!"
---

Author's Note:

So... how was that?

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