The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Crazy and Crazier

A/N: You know, I contemplated putting the baby Cakes into a Death Battle scenario, but then I was like, "...no."
So... yeah. That's not happening. Meanwhile, have a free smile.
Properties belong to Hasbro, Screw Attack, and Konami.
---

The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (22)

---Death Battle---

Guess who's back. Back again. Pinkie's back. Tell a friend. Guess who's back ad nauseam. Okay, my impersonation of Eminem is over. Let's get started.

Faded images of insanity and randomness flood the screen.

"Well it's that time of the month," states B, "Time to return to some old-fashioned randomness and insanity."

W says, "Today, a classic 4th wall breaker will face a modern 4th wall breaker who happens to have survived a previous Death Battle."

"FOXHOUND unit Psycho Mantis."

"And Pinkie Pie, the unknown variable pony."

"He's W and I'm B."

"And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle."

---Death Battle---

A man covered in wires and a gas mask appears as the title screen parts.

"Psycho Mantis was born in a small village in Russia prior to the collapse of the USSR," introduces W, "Shortly after discovering his ability to read minds, his telekinetic powers burned down his entire village. This killed all of the other residents and left him with severe burns. He joined the psychic intelligence division of the KGB and later the United States FBI."

"But in 2000," continues B, "he dove a little too deep into a serial killer's psyche and adopted his psychotic personality."

"He left the FBI and eventually sold his service to the highest bidder: FOXHOUND. Though, he and some other members eventually grew weary of their positions and took over Shadow Moses Island."

Stats appear on the screen as B says, "This guy can use a bunch of psychic powers like psychokinesis, telepathy, mind reading, and mind control which he's used in a number of disturbing ways."

A cut scene plays at this time. "Don't like girls?" asks 'Meryl'.

"Psycho Mantis wears a gas mask," states W, "which not only functions to hide his scarred face but also prevents the thoughts of others from constantly entering his mind. This lets him focus on more specific targets like next generation FOXHOUND soldiers."

"A shame for him that his control eventually wore off. That was one hell of an army."

"Not only can Psycho Mantis read Snake's mind, but he can also read the mind and history of Player 1's past video game plays."

A close-up of Psycho Mantis in a cut scene is shown.

"So you like adventure games?" he asks, "You've been playing Super Mario Sunshine, haven't you? Oh, so you've played Super Smash Bros. Melee before. Hmmm. You have not saved very often."

"Yet Player 2's mind is safe and sound," comments B.

A scene of Psycho Mantis' boss battle reveals him saying, "What!? I cannot read you!"

---Death Battle---

The pink earth pony with a mane of cotton candy appears after the title card splits.

"We've briefly covered Pinkie Pie's facts in her last battle," starts W, "but there's plenty more about her."

"She found her talent in party planning after a Sonic Rainboom messed up her hair," says B, "and she's apparently taken up babysitting in addition to baking." Stats appear as W takes the floor.

"Her cheerful personality and haphazard thought process is enough to throw even the most steadfast enemies off guard."

"In addition to her Party cannon, she's added a few new items to her arsenal like balloon-filled suitcases, confetti-filled ovens, and cake batter-filled confetti blowers."

"In the mildest term, she can be considered unpredictable and she has a constant habit of ignoring the 4th wall and its potential consequences on reality. She tends to hop and skip as opposed to trotting like other ponies."

"And she can somehow manipulate her personality to sound philosophical one minute and oblivious the next."

"Her innocent demeanor makes it difficult if not impossible to insult her."

A cut scene reveals 'Mi Amore Cadenza' commenting on Pinkie's plans for the wedding party.

"Perfect," says 'Cadance', "if we were throwing a six-year-old's birthday party."

"Thank you," says Pinkie Pie with a genuinely grateful look while Twilight Sparkle is in view in front of a pillar.

"The only time she'll intentionally be a threat is when you break one of her Pinkie promises," adds B.

A scene reveals a fiery-eyed Pinkie Pie yelling, "YOU PINKIE PROMISED!" This is followed by Applejack yelping in an "oh crud" kind of way.

---Death Battle---

"All right," declares W, "the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all."

"Hold up, W!" interrupts B, "I'm going to buy a gas mask to give myself some bad*ss psychokinesis."

"B, the mask doesn't give psychic powers. It limits them..."

"Thank you for the sponsorship, Gamefly! It's time for a Death Battle!"

---Death Battle---

A long dark hallway takes the setting of the screen. We seem to move around to face a double door that opens up and reveals the inside with some vaguely familiar photos on the back wall. They kind of look like the three alicorn princesses introduced in the first two seasons.

"Were you expecting someone else?" asks a breathy voice. In front of the desk, an electrified silhouette appears before it takes on the physical form of a white man wearing wires and a gas mask.

"Your mind is an open book to me," he breathes, "You really like Random stories, don't you?" He pauses for a breath and his arms take a thoughtful pose.

"You've read Mortal: Kombat Equestria, haven't you? You like Comedy stories it seems." Psycho Mantis pauses again.

"I see you've read Past Sins and Through the Eyes of Another Pony before. Hmmm. It seems you do not upload stories very often." He spreads his arms out.

"The demonstration is over!" he nearly yells. A strange wave of energy permeates the room. The portraits of the three princesses appear to laugh in very chipmunk-toned chortles. Psycho Mantis joins in on the laughter.

He suddenly halts his laughter with a roar. Fire appears to crash in random locations in the room. The camera man runs around in front view yelling because his shirt is on fire. The picture's on the back wall cease laughing, almost as if they are aware that their top left corners are ablaze.

"You should really be careful, mister," says an upbeat, casual voice, "because messing with fire is asking for something dire." The source of the voice reveals itself as a pink earth pony with more pink as its mane color. Her vacant smile is undeterred and she doesn't even appear singed despite the flames that seem to lick her sides. Pinkie Pie is here.

"FIGHT!"

The fire starts to die out as the screen suddenly flashes black. The word "HTORY" appears in the top right-hand corner of the screen. Pinkie Pie pops her head in from the left side of the screen.

"Oh, silly reader," she chimes, "Your connection broke. Here, let me get that." She re-connects the reader to the internet, unknowingly switching the wireless point to the second strongest signal. The screen buzzes with snowy static before returning to the room filled with burn marks.

Psycho Mantis laughs before disappearing. His trail seems to be an arc of lightning that goes in a patternless direction. He reappears briefly near the western wall of the room. The party pony activates her party cannon (from out of nowhere) and a tablecloth is fired and covers the psychic. The table cloth loses the humanoid shape as it falls to the ground. The lightning arc is moving again.

After sporadically moving all over the place, the psychic reappears at the southeastern corner of the room. He levitates a couple sofas and launches them toward the pink pony. Pinkie Pie jumps up and over the makeshift projectiles and opens a yellow briefcase (also from out of nowhere). Fully blown up balloons escape and scatter in all directions. A few of which hit Psycho Mantis' mask in the eye pieces.

"What!? I cannot read you!" the psychic cries out in alarm.

He disappears again as the random lightning. Surprisingly, it just follows a giant orderly circle around the room before heading straight for the center. He reappears, but this time he seems to have a new obstacle. A 7-colored mane dawns the form of Rainbow Dash and she's in a dazed, zombie-like stare. She's semi-flying in front of the psychic.

"Be a good girl and beat yourself up," chides Psycho Mantis. The mare slowly raises her hooves up like fists.

"Hey, Dashie!" yells Pinkie Pie, "I saw Soarin outside the building!" Dash immediately wakes from her trance.

"Really?" she says in excitement. She quickly flies out the room's double doors. Oddly enough, she quickly finds the actual Soarin just outside. We'll have to ignore them because that's not where the fight is taking place. The camera view returns to the depressing-looking room.

Psycho Mantis resumes his original strategy of turning into a haphazard bolt of lightning. He zigzags every which way before reappearing above the desk. In the time that we've had our eyes distracted, Pinkie Pie has opened her 'welcome wagon'. The oven bursts open releasing a blast of confetti that catches Psycho Mantis off guard. The confetti cannon releases a somewhat vertical stream of butter-yellow goop. It splits into two streams and hits both combatants, covering them both from head to foot.

"Oops, I did it again," chuckles Pinkie Pie. She moves her tongue in an impossibly long motion and licks all of the cake batter off her body. She hops over to the distracted psychic and uses a similar tongue motion to remove the batter from his body. What she didn't notice right away was that she accidentally swallowed the psychic's gas mask in the process.

Without the mask, a stream of unrelenting thoughts hits the psychic all at once.

Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie. I love to throw parties. Do you like parties? I like cake and punch and ice cream and games and dancing. My best friends are Twilight and Dashie and Fluttershy and Applejack and Rarity. We're the spirits of the Elements of Harmony. Mine's Laughter. Twilight is Magic. Dashie is Loyalty. Rarity is Generosity. Fluttershy is Kindness. Applejack is Honesty. I also like Spike. He's such a cute, lovable, baby dragon. Well, except when he gets greedy. Then he gets super big and nasty and assaulting him with cake just doesn't seem to stop him. I used to live on a rock farm. I lived with my parents and my sisters Inkie and Blinkie. They were fun after I introduced them to the idea of parties. Oh, I love Mr. and Mrs. Cake and Pumpkin and Pound Cake and Rose and Derpy and Golden Harvest and Berry and Lyra and...

...Is that... blood spilling out in a small controlled stream out of Psycho Mantis' forehead? In any case, he lands on the floor face up, shocked, and overwhelmed. Some of the red liquid spills next to Pinkie Pie though she wasn't really paying attention to the source.

"Ooh, is that floor ketchup?" she stares in wonder. She leans down and licks with a much shorter tongue. The realization of what the substance is makes her scrunch her face in disgust.

"Ewww. That's not ketchup." She starts rubbing her tongue with a hoof to try and get the iron taste off.

"K.O.!"

---Death Battle---

"Dang," comments B, "Talk about speaking your mind."

"Psycho Mantis had a versatile set of illusions and psychic abilities," reflects W, "He is even capable of breaking the 4th wall beyond the limits the Pinkie Pie usually dares. But her less murderous and more unpredictable fighting style made it nearly impossible to judge her next action. As a result, he wasn't ready to counter attack when Pinkie outmaneuvered his mind puppet skills. The barrage of Pinkie's thoughts being forced into his own mind all at once quickly turned the odds against him."

"In the end, Psycho Mantis just needed to pray."

"The winner is Pinkie Pie." The pink party pony's picture and name appear on screen.

---Death Battle---

"Special thanks to Rina-chan for the voice of Pinkie Pie."

"Thanks for watching."

---
A/N: I really didn't see that coming.
Properties belong to their respective owners. I gain no profit. Blah blah, you've heard this all before.
Next time: something a little different.

Comments

[leaderofstars]

i hope she doesn't turn him into cupcakes

lets go back to basics: chrono vs chrysalis.
mute vs emotion-less
flock of seagulls haircut vs swiss cheese
blade and light magic vs what ever offensive attacks she has

[Uria the Sacred Beast]

"I see you've read Past Sins and Through the Eyes of Another Pony before. Hmmm. It seems you do not upload stories very often."
He knows...

[OddOneOut]

ewwww. that's not ketchup! ..... but it would taste really nice in a cupcake...

[Wild Wisp]

O.o ok.......that's me perfectly l........how did he.......... never mind I don't want ta know

[CrimsonEyedPrince]

how? how did you know?.....i read all those stories.....GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!

[Endorb]

He read me like a blind man

[The Dankest Meme]

I... Haven't read any of those stories.