The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Who Sends Babies to Fight?

Advisory: Please make sure "Formatting" is set to "Dark" before you continue reading. Thank you.

We at the Poetic Frozen Wasteland do not condone child violence. We do, however, create simulated scenarios in which they appear to fight for your entertainment... you sickos. (Just kidding. We love you guys.)
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Nickelodeon.
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The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season the Sixth

The following has been considered unsuitable for those with stomach conditions, who are pregnant, or who may become pregnant. Please find suitable prepping conditions.

You know, as often as I fantasize about finally finishing my baby cannon, it brings a certain tear to my eye to watch the little suckers beat each other up for me.

The combatants of today will be taken from their strongest points, surprisingly before they were even a week old.

The first is Poof, a fairly odd baby.

And his opponent is Flurry Heart, the first known baby alicorn in the G4 pony cast.

He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

~~~Death Battle~~~

Poof
-Species: Fairy
-Son of Cosmo and Wanda; god-brother to Timmy Turner
-Wears purple
-Capable of many magical feats, particularly transfiguration and flight
-Emotional states create magical phenomena: Happy - good things, crying - bad things, burp - lightning, hiccups - natural disasters, blows wind - "no telling what could happen"
-Gender: boy ('cause he likes water pistols)
-Likes saying his name all the time

Timmy Turner is an average 10-year-old that no one understands. He lives with his mother and father in a middle-class home and is constantly put under pressure by an inhumane baby-sitter.

But his life's crap is usually shot down by his magic little goldfish that are actually his fairy godparents... fairly odd godparents at that. They can grant just about any wish that he can come up with... unless it violates "Da Rulez"... which is constantly getting re-written for the show-writers' convenience.

It's just as well. No rulebook would ever be quite prepared for the day that Cosmo became pregnant.

... You mean Wanda, right?

Nope. It was Cosmo. Despite every biological sense of logic in existence, it was Cosmo.

But... how... why... I have so many questions!

*shivers* There are some things that we're better off knowing. But after a quick wish, the baby magically exited Cosmo's body and promptly said his first word: "Poof".

Meh... I give that name's origin story a solid 4 out of 10, marginally better than Venom's and Bane's origin stories.

Unfortunately, the happy day was cut short when a boring pixie and Cosmo's anti-fairy version broke onto the set and kidnapped the poor baby for their own evil magical schemes. Since fairy babies are only born once every 10,000 years, it was thought that this baby's magic could free all of the anti-fairies and take over Fairy World.

That sounds so stupid that it just loops right back around to being dumb. Still, being the product of a rare birth comes with a lot of weird perks. Whenever Poof feels happy, he makes good things happen like make it rain ice cream or turn a bunch of dangerous objects in the room into fluffy bunnies.

When Poof cries, bad things happen like fire or evil rabbits that can punch through walls.

Burping the kid somehow makes a random lightning bolt to strike down. And when he gets the hiccups, earthquakes and volcanoes shake within several miles.

But the most world-shattering event happens when Poof has extreme flatulence. The magical exhaust somehow causes the very fabric of reality to rip apart and sew itself back together in a number of different ways. Although the most recent case of that seemed to have put that world back together in a relatively normal state.

That's about the time that it was discovered what gender he was, through the power of a good old water pistol.

When he's not causing the world to distort around him, he can usually be found shaking his rattle around and changing the shape of every little thing in a small room.

Sorry, you wanted toast? He thought you said laptop computer!

As with normal babies, Poof is highly sensitive and emotional. Should even the slightest thing upset him, you know bad things are coming.

I'll just give him my old squirt gun. I don't use it anymore.

"Poof poof!"

~~~Death Battle~~~

Flurry Heart
-Species: Alicorn pony
-Daughter of Princess Cadance and Prince-Captain Shining Armor; niece to Twilight Sparkle
-Wears a diaper
-Capable of many magical feats, including teleportation and flight
-Emotions can lead to other powers: Crying - supersonic sound waves, sneezing and/or laughing - beams that can incinerate walls
-Particularly fond of Pinkie Pie
-Hasn't quite said her first words (during the events of "The Crystalling")

Shortly after Princess Cadance and Shining Armor got married in Canterlot, the Crystal Empire returned to the middle of the Arctic North... along with its evil dictator: King Sombra.

Long story short, Spike the Dragon helped recover the magical mcguffin to wipe that black-and-red OC villain out of existence. In his place, Cadance and Armor were allowed to keep the peace and global warming strong over that city.

Sometime later, they had a child. To everyone's surprise, it was an alicorn baby. It was such as shock, that not even Princess Celestia or Luna could comprehend how this had happened.

Yeah, but when has being an expert ever been a problem when your whole job is exposition... W?

What are you talking about? You exposit about as many lines as I do, B.

Yeah, but at least it's funny when I do it!

Harsh. ... And if having wings, the horn, and extra strength wasn't surprising enough, the baby sneezed and created a hole in the ceiling... and the ceiling above that... and the ceiling above that one.

She can effing sneeze lasers from her head! Nerf her! OP! OP!

Oh, we haven't even begun. Turns out the alicorn baby had quite a few more tricks up her sleeve... or in her voice box actually. A single cry at resonant frequency shattered the Crystal Heart and nearly doomed the Crystal Empire to be frozen over in ice.

And it can teleport and it can fly?! That baby's a monster! ... Why am I suddenly okay with this?

What?

Those eyes... those big, pools of eyes...

B! *snap snap*

Huh, what?! Die you ex-wife vampire! ... Wait, W? Where are we? What was I... doing?

Anyway, after she was thankfully depowered through a crystal ceremony and the Heart was restored, Flurry Heart was given her name and remains under the watchful eye of Sunburst. However, for the sake of this battle, we will be temporarily giving her back her full potential.

What could possibly go wrong?

In lieu of a quote, Flurry Heart simply babbles while trying to look cute.

~~~Death Battle~~~

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for the babies to knock each other senseless!

~~~Death Battle~~~

We open up to a scene from "Relax-O-Vision". Upbeat and calming music plays to a background of flowers and trees. Wind blows ever so slightly to make it seem more alive. But alas, this serenity is broken what looks like a baby pony flying over eighty-eight miles per hour with her father in tow. Said father is screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Flurry Heart, wait!" Cadance calls as she tries to keep up via flight.

Their child, however, pays no mind to their worry. She squeals in delight and laughs at the feeling of racing around. She flaps her wings harder, slapping Shining Armor repeatedly in the face with feathers. He turns his head to the side to spit out the offending feathers before managing to look forward again. He resumes his screaming as Flurry Heart drags him into the Everfree Forest.

"Hold on..." The mother starts panting. Her wings look like they're struggling to keep up the pace now. "Just wait... I'll be... right there..." She exhales. "This is more than a two pony job. I'd better get Twilight."

---

Meanwhile, two fairies and their god-child are having a similar problem with their own baby. However, this little guy is somehow flying around while all three of them try to hold each other in a sort of chain-linked line. Of course, the weight seems next to useless in slowing this little boy's flight speed. Wanda yells, followed by Cosmo yelling, followed by Timmy Turner yelling.

"Hey! Did anyone else notice how we're in some strange forest that isn't on our maps?" Cosmo asks before resuming the yelling.

"Where is he taking us?!" exclaims Timmy.

"I don't know!" admits Wanda. "He's never done this before."

---

The babies and their respective handlers look like they're on a collision course. At the last second, both of the babies teleport away. Unfortunately, that leaves the remaining four sentient beings to slam into each other. Momentum is a bastard, this time especially. Unicorn, human, and fairy godparents lie on the ground with stars spinning around their heads.

Our camera zooms in on the old Castle of Two Sisters. The screen splits up to show two different hallways. The baby boy ends up floating through a hallway filled with pony-shaped armor. Meanwhile, the filly teleports in the hallway with unlit torches and a few creepy paintings.

"FIGHT!"

Poof giggles and shakes his rattle. Magical dust shimmers as the suits of armor change in a number of different ways. One stands on its hind leg and does a pirouette. Another suit assumes the pose of The Thinker. The next suit transforms into a bunny-rabbit's armor.

Flurry Heart chuckles as she flies through the other hallway. She points her head in various directions as giant beams of magic shoot out of it. Some of the beams burn away the creepy paintings, along with the space in the wall behind them. Other beams ignite the torches, and even turns one into a stick of dynamite, complete with a hissing fuse.

The laughter and shooting of unpredictable spells continues for a few seconds. Then, the two babies fly smack into each other. In shock, both of them collapse backwards onto the floor. Tears well up in the baby fairy's eyes. He immediately whines in sadness.

Four untouched suits of armor suddenly spring to life. Metal spikes grow out of random places and their colors change from purple to red. They march around and point their swords at the baby alicorn. Her giant eyes start to water at this fearful display. She lets out a huge cry, rippling through the air in loud, warbling waves.

The scary suits of armor shake in place. They start bending in ways that they most likely were not supposed to. Eventually, they crumple up into meshed up balls and cease moving altogether. Flurry takes a second to catch her little breath.

At this moment, Poof sees the crumpled piles of metal and plumes and smiles slightly. He giggles and waves his rattle. One pile turns into a stuffed monkey doll. The second turns into a potted cactus. The third turns into a purple balloon and floats away. He transforms the fourth pile into a pink rocking horse.

Flurry Heart catches sight of the rocking horse and immediately teleports on top of its head. She holds her wings open wide and babbles happily while standing on top. Poof floats around the pony and the makeshift steed. Each of the babies giggles in their own happy tone.

The camera zips over to the dynamite torch and watches it explode. Poof inhales a gasp and holds still in one spot in the air. He starts hiccuping multiple times. Flurry Heart can't help but laugh at the phenomenon and shoots a big beam that destroys the wall behind her.

---
*Meanwhile...*

The parent fairies, their god-child, and the unicorn stallion groan and stand up. They each let out a startled 'whoa' when the ground starts to shake under them. They turn to see a giant tidal wave appear approaching fast, even though they are clearly on dry land.

"Cosmo, Wanda, I wish-"

The 10-year-old is interrupted by a magenta dome surrounding the lot of them. The tsunami crashes down and rushes all around them, but the shield spell keeps them dry. Confused, the three look around to see the unicorn's horn glowing in a similar magenta coloration.

"Or... that works too," admits Timmy.

Shining Armor keeps holding the spell up, but he looks confused. "You sound familiar. Have we met before?"

Timmy's brow rises. "Doubtful. This is our first time out in a land where horses make their own magic."

"That is so weird," Shining mutters under his breath while waiting for the giant water wave to leave. "I'm sure I've heard that voice somewhere, but..."
---

Flurry starts tickling Poof with her giant feathers. His hiccuping fit fades and is replaced by a round of laughs. Confetti that smells like cupcakes starts raining in this hallway. It covers them in a huge pile of party paper.

A second later, the babies pop a view at the top of the pile. They shake themselves free and start spreading their respective limbs around, as if to make snow angels in the confetti. Their respective stomachs growl, and they shove some of the good-smelling confetti into their mouths. After swallowing, Poof lets out a loud belch.

A lightning bolt strikes right in front of Flurry Heart. Instinctively, her eyes open wide. After a bit of blinking to get her sight back, she unleashes a sneeze. A huge beam of magic blasts the entirety of the hallway, narrowly avoiding the baby fairy. In response to this sudden magic, he poots.

What follows next is difficult for me to describe. So many images and sounds don't make sense based on what passes the screen. The best it can be summed up is as follows: 1) Reality flushes itself into the void. 2) The void chews for a minute or so and spits everything back up. 3) Flurry Heart and Poof appear in the newly constructed hallway, sleeping next to each other.

"Shh... Babality."

At this point, two groups teleport in. Timmy, his god-parents, Twilight Sparkle, and her brother and sister-in-law look over and go "aww" at the cute little sleepers. Quietly and carefully, they grab hold of their respective magical baby and teleport out.

~~~Death Battle~~~

I...I don't even...

Both baby characters at their prime are ridiculously overpowered. Each of which has the means to practically bend the world around them. Flurry Heart had the most destructive power while Poof had the most powerful re-creation magic at his disposal.

But, uh... I guess neither of them could access their full potential unless properly triggered to do so.

In other words, there was literally no way to say with pinpoint accuracy what would happen if these two were to ever compete in a battle scenario. It might be possible to discover what happens when they grow a bit older and discover their capabilities through control and training.

But right now, we'll have to put our conclusions... to rest.

This Death Battle is a draw.

~~~Death Battle~~~

Author's Note:

Any new information added from the end of FiM Season 6 and onward is absent from this chapter as I started writing this before I watched Season 7.

Comments

[Saiyan of the North Star]

KO awesome chapter, an adorable Battle between cuties bundle of joys in the most awesomeness and cutest way possible!

[leslie2000]

7834855 The Joker vs Pinkamena

[denneylaw]

7834855 ok. One more idea, solgaleo and lunala vs daybreaker and nightmare moon.