The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Lightning Round: Spider-Verse?

Set "Formatting" to whatever will make the text on your screen legible.
All properties belong to their respective owners.
--

Burst Lightning Round

Here, all the fights take place without waiting for analysis.

All fighters!

All action!

No research!

Lightning Round!

Start the clock and... go!

---Gender Bent---

Dusk Shine (On a Cross and Arrow) vs. Spider-Gwen (Into the Spider-Verse)

A lavender unicorn stallion trots down the stairs of his library that doubles as a home. He magically places a book into one of the shelves while looking around. A hooded figure hangs upside-down and silently lowers itself on a sticky rope. When the stallion reaches the bottom of the stairway, he gasps at what he sees.

Here, the camera turns around and reveals a humanoid with a mostly white outfit. She waves with a free hand before effortlessly doing a flip. She lands on the floor and crouches in a daring pose. The unicorn frowns and pads the floor with his hoof. He isn't going to let this threat get away with whatever she's planning.

Anticipation is about to explode!

Begin!

Dusk Shine's horn glows as he attempts to magically pull his enemy closer. Spider-Gwen yelps as it feels like a current is moving her without her say. She shoots a couple webs behind herself. To the unicorn's surprise, the humanoid manages to yeet an entire bookshelf over her head at him. Dusk shifts his spell to a shield spell, bouncing the flying bookshelf and its contents around him.

Spider-Gwen uses her web shooters to throw a couple more bookshelves in the same way. Dusk focuses and vanishes in a flash of light. The animator briefly creates a wiggling line around the girl's head. She leaps up and grips on the ceiling just as Dusk Shine reappears behind the spider's original position.

"Nice try!" calls out Spider-Gwen. "But it'll take more than that to sneak up on m-"

An entire bed with sheets surrounded in Dusk Shine's magic glow slams into the ceiling. The stallion snorts while gradually lowering the bed from its current height. Spider-Gwen is currently lying on top of it with arms and legs in very uncomfortable positions. She lets out a low moan.

Dusk Shine wills the bed sheets to tie his enemy up in a ball. "More than enough for you now?"

Spider-Gwen can barely keep her eyes open at this point. "Why does my... neck feel so stiff?" She falls asleep, complete with cartoon Zs.

Quick Finish!

This round's victory goes to... Dusk Shine!

---

---Slap Me Silly---

Pinkie Pie (MLP: FiM) vs. Spider-Ham (Into the Spider-Verse)

"Hiya, Death Battle fans! Are you ready for a fun time?"

Meanwhile, a short stubby creature in a red-webbed, and blue highlight outfit looks around. "Who are you talking to?"

"Oops! So sorry! Didn't mean to ignore you! I'm just super excited and want to get this started right!"

"Started?" The little guy snorts. "What the pork do you mean?"

"Why your debut party of course! This is the first time you've ever shown up in our wonderful world! Oh, I hope I have enough confetti! My sister gave me a huge tub of it, but I haven't been keeping track as much as I probably should!"

He looks around again, randomly tapping for invisible walls. "Am I being punked?"

"No, you silly colt! This is totally legit!"

"Colt?!" The eyes on the creature's mask seem to narrow to thin slits of white. "They call me... Mr. Pig! RAAAAAH!"

Live and let die!

Battle!

Spider-Ham shoots several webs from his wrists... hooves... (Sorry, what are those things called?) Um, and the resulting webs look kind of meaty. Pinkie Pie yelps as one of the meat webs covers her tail and pulls her off the left side of the screen. After that, the suited pig turns around and slaps his curly tail.

"Truffle you later, mother oinker!" he calls out.

"Hey! Watch your language, young swine!" Pinkie somehow hangs off the top right corner of the screen.

"Gyahh!" The startle leads Spider-Ham to fall backward. "How'd you do that?"

"That's a mystery. Oooo." She wiggles her hooves under her face.

"Too soon." He facepalms... face-trotters(?)... (Darn it. We're not supposed to need research for these kinds of battles.)

"Oh my Celestia! You're right!" She drops down to ground level. "How inconsiderate of me!" She clears her throat. "So... where were we?"

His left eye opens more than his right eye. "Last I checked, I was promptly giving you a face full of my webbing."

Pinkie nods affirmatively. "I see your point. But hear me out, counter point..."

She pulls out her Party Cannon and stuffs the masked pig inside the barrel. In the next instant, the cannon blasts him out toward a tall building's wall. Spider-Ham bounces along upwards before he manages to get a footing of sorts. He exhales while standing sideways on a window.

An explosion catches the pig's attention. When he looks up, there's a giant wad of confetti flying right at him. He shoots a web toward a light post and pulls himself away. The confetti collides with the window, breaking both in the impact. From the height of the light post, Spider-Ham fires several ham-shaped web bullets at the cannon.

All of this new weight causes the Party Cannon to expand like a balloon.

"Uh-oh..."

Pinkie Pie dives into the concrete. Her mane acts like a drill, leading her underground. Immediately after, her cannon explodes, creating a crater in the tar and launching confetti into the ground levels of the nearby buildings. Spider-Ham snorts with a smug tone.

"Attack, my pets!"

His eyes open in surprise as he turns around. Two balloon animals, a dog and a giraffe, are launched right against his shoulders. He falls over and bounces off the ground on his back. He screams while hugging both of the balloon animals. Their heads are pressed up against his face.

Pinkie Pie uses this distraction to pull out a portable oven from off screen. A timer goes off as steam rises from the top. She takes a mitt and pulls out the oven's contents. A giant red and brown cake flies out. It lands on top of the screaming pig, silencing him for the rest of his screen time.

"Hope you like truffle flavor!" Pinkie smiles while patting the side of the oven.

Complete!

This round's winner is... Pinkie Pie!

---

---Sometimes Black & White---

Detective Rarity (MLP: FiM) vs. Spider-Man Noir (Into the Spider-Verse and Shattered Dimensions)

*A slip of paper with the bold word NOTICE is passed to the narrator.*

What do you mean I'm being relieved for this next match up? Narration is my whole job!

...

It was a dark and cloudy night, yet not a drop of rain fell. This was perfect as our detective hero had not brought an umbrella. Her outfit was fabulous yet mysterious. The hat upon her head hid the light in her eyes from every pony but herself. Occasionally, she would share this eye light with that of a passing window or a mirror. It was bedazzling as the diamonds upon her cutie mark.

The business street was empty this evening. In her line of work, empty streets were a double-edged sword. While the quiet did allow her to organize the chaos that was her thoughts, it also hid the sneaking scoundrels in the city. There was a mystery that needed to be solved. Walking along this quiet, empty street could both help and hinder her problem-solving mind. Well, no pony ever said working as a detective would be easy.

For all intents and purposes, this place looked just like Manhattan. But he knew better. There weren't enough people randomly hogging the street corners and alleys. There wasn't a loud, young couple in any of the second-floor windows. Most importantly, there was the voice of a woman talking to herself.

You know what the funny thing was for a guy dressed in a black, leather outfit that marginally represented a spider? He couldn't find the alleged lady anywhere. It was as if all life in the world he was currently crawling around was stripped clean. It was just him and a tiny horse dressed up like a Carmen Sandiego reject.

Wait...

Her ears perked up. Could that possibly have been the voice of a stallion? And was it coming from above her? The detective quickly looked up, but couldn't make anything out in the shadows. Neither pegasus nor bat pony could be seen.

She had learned that senses could occasionally fool ponies who were stressed out of their minds. Yet, she was certain she had taken precautions to prevent such sinkholes. She had taken three days to rest since her previous case. Surely, her ears were not deceiving her. Her gut feeling backed up the sound testimony.

There was little doubt in her mind. She was being followed. For what purpose? She intended to get to the bottom of this.

What is sentient life? Does it exist in a dog who opens its eyes wide while begging to exit the house? Does it even extend to the trees that grow, shed leaves, and grow them again over a hundred years? Why does mankind get to dictate what does and does not have a soul?

Sometimes, I hold a match in my hand and let it burn down to nothing... just so I can feel. Does that mean I lack sentience? I have seen many unreasonable things happen without a care in the world in my life. Perhaps, this talking lady on four hooves is just one of them. Where does my right to believe that she shouldn't exist end, and her right to believe that she isn't thinking out loud begin? Do we even have these beliefs, or were they implanted by an outside party that has yet to be discovered?

Let your fists do the talking!

Start!

Detective Rarity decided to take initiative. She gently pushed open a door to a diner, admiring the fine finish of the wood, and slipped inside. From the darkened interior, she was sure to get a glimpse of any suspicious fellows that were still outside.

What the lady failed to realize was that the shady-suited Spider-Man was already on the ceiling. He was silently watching while holding a stationary position. He thought back to one time where he had sat down in a diner much like this one. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough money in the budget for a flashback, so he couldn't show the audience his thoughts.

There was a man on the ceiling? Wait, who said that? The detective searched all corners above her for the man that called himself a spider.

Hold on, she didn't move her mouth that time. How did I hear that? I was in the middle of an inner monologue.

Wait, you have those too?

All the time.

Fascinating. Maybe when we get a moment, we can review this topic of discussion.

*Ahem* I shook my head to clear the cobwebs of flashing back. This madam was unlike the creatures I usually dealt with.

Erm, just one last thing.

Oh my gosh, what is it now?

Why do you keep switching between first-person and third-person during your inner monologue?

Really? You're going to be a grammar police on me now? Isn't this the wrong decade for that?

Well! There's no need to be rude. I simply wanted to make this encounter as consistent as possible.

... Anyway, it seemed like she was looking out for someone. Was it the Spider-Man that was currently watching her? Or was there some other third party that she knew about that I didn't? I'd have to keep watching her to find out.

It was fine. She was fine with waiting around in silence. She could wait around and watch all night if she needed to do so.

Aside from a few breaths, the dame wasn't moving. What exactly was she waiting for?

Her name was Rarity, and despite her profession, she allowed her mind to drift and her eyes to gaze up into the dark, empty space. But as awareness returned to her vision...

"Waaaaaah! Spider!"

"Ugh... took you long enough to notice. I mean, what? Our inner monologues apparently give us telepathy powers and you still couldn't find me? Some detective you are."

"Buster, do you seriously want us to get in trouble for breaking the fourth wall?"

"Oh, don't worry about that. Cotton Candy and Pork Chops took care of that in the last match up."

She sighed. "Point taken; damage done. I presume you've already procured information about my current case from my personal thoughts earlier."

He walked over to a wall, stood sideways, and crossed his arms. "Honestly, I kind of skimmed through it and don't really know what your objective is."

"Well, there has been a rise in crimes and murders as of late. I am trying to find the perpetrator. All I really have to go on is the constant calling card of a dark feather."

"It's the Vulture."

"You already know their identity?"

"He's the reason I decided to put up a fight against criminals. He killed someone that meant the world to me. He'll pay for that."

"You can't mean an eye-for-eye revenge."

"No. If he dies before he can repent, it wouldn't be nearly as satisfying. When I catch him, he's going straight into a slammer. It's personal."

Rarity slightly lowered her hat and smiled. "Then I suppose I no longer have work to be done here."

"You're just going to leave?"

"You have a personal stake in seeing this case to its finish. I was only chasing a curiosity. If you've been studying his whereabouts and movements, then you are more suited for the job. Still, the goggles are a bit much."

"If you think this part of my outfit's too much, you should've seen the Spider-Man that's all patriotic colors."

"Farewell, gentle sir... and good luck."

And just like that, the dame was off. What a strange unicorn. Her hat's brim was larger than her common sense of style.

You know, I can still hear your inner monologue!

Did I stutter?

Player 1 concedes!

The winner of this round is... Spider-Man Noir!

---

Author's Note:

This is probably going to be my last TMNPWWF entry for the year 2019. New possibilities may show themselves later.

Comments

[Dirty Bit]

Was that a Jimmy Neutron reference with Pinkie Pie?

[TundraStanza]

9991102
Maybe...

[leslie2000]

9991649
I noticed that Jimmy Neutron Reference as well and it's funny