The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Lightning Round: Anything Is Possible

Author's Note:

Sometimes my match ups just don't fit. I apologize if any character gets misrepresented.

Set "Formatting" to whatever allows you to comfortably read the text.
All properties in this chapter belong to their respective owners.

May contain spoilers for MLP:FiM Season 8 onward.
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Burst Lightning Round!

Here, all the fights take place without waiting for an analysis.

All fighters!

All action!

No research!

Lightning Round!

Start the clock and... go!

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---Doesn't Matter Where, Doesn't Matter When---

(Kim Possible vs. Cozy Glow)

At first, it looks like a computer screen with a boy in a blue T-shirt doing a video call. He types on a couple different keyboards at once as various pictures pop-up and vanish along the corners of the screen. His mouth moves as if to talk, but it's mute for the viewing audience.

Transition over to a large, academic building in Artificial Ponyville. Several ponies are marching around in a way similar to union workers going on strike. Occasionally, a pale pegasus pony with a curly blue mane flies around, offering some kind of word of encouragement to each pony individually. This rally is so loud and energetic that no one in the crowd notices an open, pink helicopter hovering overhead.

We zoom in to the helicopter to see a couple passengers. Contrary to rest of the population of this world, these are two humans. One has long orange hair poking out from a blue helmet and she's wearing a purple outfit. The other is in black and he's scrambling with his backpack of gear.

"Thanks for giving us a lift, Ms. Cherry Berry!" The girl looks at the pony pilot with a smile.

The pilot gives a nod. "It's the least I could do after you managed to recover my hot air balloon from that timberwolf territory."

"For the record," pipes in the guy, "I still have a bad splinter from that particular mission. Ow!"

A little naked mole-rat pops out of the boy's pocket. The creature happily holds out a retrieved sliver of wood and tosses it away.

"I think that's enough fooling around, sweetie." The red-head hops off the chopper.

The guy jumps off too and his pet hides back in his pocket. "Wait up! Somebody didn't fold my parachute quite right!"

"Didn't you fold up your own parachute?!" She shouts back over the wind resistance.

"Let's not mention names to blame!" He insists, cutting off the conversation there.

After falling for a few seconds, she pulls the cord on her pack. It unleashed a large, blue parachute that slows her down by a lot. The guy tries to do the same action, but the cord falls off. Grunting in confusion, he tries pulling a second cord further up his pack. This, however, snaps off too. He screams in terror, scrambling through his pockets for anything that can help. He ends up dropping several packets of hot sauce in the process.

"Ron!" the girl shouts in concern.

"Hang on! I've got an idea!"

Ron pulls out a grappling gun and aims it upward. With his other hand on his belt, he fires the hook. Comically, the grapple pulls off his belt along with his pants. Luckily, he is holding onto his pants as the hook carries them through the air. The hook and rope wraps around the crystal star on top of a castle. Hanging onto the pants for dear life, the boy slowly swings back and forth like a pendulum.

The girl sighs in relief as she guides her descent to one side of the street. After a brief run, she pulls off the pack and tosses her helmet along with it. She takes out a pair of binoculars and scopes the crowd of rioting ponies. Going from memory that her hacking friend briefed her on, she has two parts to this mission: Rescue several non-pony creatures from captivity, and find and incapacitate the leader of the manipulation. She mentally shrugs at the weirdness, counting her missions that involved foiling aliens to still be stranger than this.

"Excuse me," says a little girl's voice, "would you like to be my friend?"

"Sorry, kid." The teenager doesn't even look away from her binoculars. "I've got a sitch. Maybe later."

With barely a warning, her binoculars are snatched right out of her hands. She gasps, taking note of the pegasus filly flying in place. Said filly is smirking wickedly while taunting with the stolen visual tool.

"Hey! Give those back!" She exclaims.

"~Only if you catch me and agree to be my friend!~ Hee hee hee hee!" The filly flies along the street toward the crowd.

"Why am I getting tweeb deja vu?" The human girl shakes her head before running after the little thief.

Nobody blink!

Engage!

"Every pony, help me!" Cozy Glow calls out. "Another creature is threatening Equestria and chasing me!"

The crowd of ponies pauses their protest and turns to look up the street. Indeed, it appears that a biped creature is running toward them with an angry look on her face. Two of the ponies stand near the pegasus filly in defensive postures. The rest start marching in rows toward the intruder. Unbeknownst to any of them, Cozy grins mischievously while sneaking off toward the school's entrance.

Meanwhile, Kim Possible takes note of the sudden shift in the pony crowd's attention. She leans back and slides just in time for a barrage of unicorn spells to fly over her. She does a back flip to avoid a different pegasus attempting a dash attack. Two earth ponies attempt to tackle her. But she does a cartwheel to her right, leaving them to conk each other on the head.

Four background unicorns fire barrages of spells at the intruder. Kim hops around with the same nimbleness and agility as her last cheerleader routine. In doing so, she makes some impossible dodges and baffles the onlooking ponies. She manages to spot the door to the school opening up and sees Cozy get inside before closing the door.

Several ponies of all three types decide to try and form a dog pile on Kim. Too bad for them, Kim does something akin to a street-dancer spinning on their head while doing a helicopter kick with her legs. The pony dog pile quickly does a better imitation of a split party falling unconscious all over the street. She proceeds to hop along the heads of the rest of the crowd and crosses the distance to the school entrance.

Kim kicks the door open and rushes inside, getting herself into a fighting stance. There doesn't seem to be anyone in the immediate area. It's too quiet. She carefully walks further inside the building, looking around herself as she moves. She opens the door to one of the classrooms. It's empty, save for a few miscellaneous items. She moves onto another room. It's essentially the same story in this one.

Where is the little pegasus thief? Kim takes cover in a janitor's closet and turns on her Kim-municator. On the other side of the line, Wade is furiously typing searches for any relevant satellite coordinates and mapping of this building. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like any map is up-to-date, as the most recent layout indicates that Kim's current location should be the swimming pool. Quietly, Kim grumbles before taking a peek into the hall.

She exits the janitor's closet and continues her process of guess-and-check through the classrooms. Five doors later, she stumbles across an eerie glow of blue. This light is coming off the bars of a magical cage. Inside this cage are a group of what appears to be distinctly different species. She attempts to force the cage door open with her hands, but it doesn't even budge.

Kim pulls out her Kim-municator. "Wade, do you think you can out-science a magic problem... again?"

"Hold up your laser lipstick, and I'll see what I can do."

She holds a small tube near the communication device and presses a button. It unleashes a beam of red light. Meanwhile, Wade clacks away on his keyboards at approximately 250 words-per-minute. A small metal limb extends from the Kim-municator and attaches to the laser tube. Its color shifts from a red beam to a light purple.

Kim holds the new colored laser next to the lock. The lock breaks almost immediately and the cage door swings open. The five captives hop out without hesitation. Kim runs with them to leave the classroom.

As the impromptu group approaches the main entrance, they slide to a stop. Waiting for them is Cozy Glow, along with a large percentage of the pony student body. The little buffalo in the group swallows her breath. Kim takes a step forward, holding her arms up in a ready stance.

There's a sudden flash of light, opening up as a giant portal. The main six characters plus a few extras step into the middle of the school's main hall and stand proudly together. As Twilight Sparkle starts one of her speeches, the background ponies that were on Cozy's side look among themselves in worry. Is it really in the name of Friendship that they've been acting so xenophobic?

"What are you all waiting for?" Cozy asks her formerly united crowd. "Get them!"

None of her 'friends' step forward or voice any desire to volunteer. Steam comically billows out of the pegasus filly's ears. Kim lets out a holler that gets Cozy's attention. The cheerleader in a purple mission outfit taunts with one hand, indicating a desire to duke it out one-on-one.

Cozy takes a deep breath, before shoving a jeweled crown atop her head. Her eyes match her last name as she laughs maniacally. Magic starts shooting out in random directions. Twilight and Starlight combine their magical resources to shield the rest of the creatures in the building. Kim does several back flips, dodging Cozy's blasts with what looks like a sense of ease.

Cozy Glow cackles while watching her opponent do nothing but dodge. "What can one creature with no magic possibly hope to do against the power that is all of Equestria's friendship magic?"

A gloved hand presses a trigger on a hook-shot gun. The hook knocks the crown off the filly's head, causing the object to clang against one of the magic shields surrounding the two combatants. The jewels on the crown break, releasing the magic back to some off screen source. Cozy Glow stares at her lost treasure in shock and horror.

"Plenty." Kim twirls her hook-shot gun before shoving it back into its holster.

Cozy bangs her hooves on a shield, desperately trying to get away. Kim has other ideas, practically running up the shield wall on the other side. She does a crazy triple flip before performing a left-leg, dive kick against the filly's face.

Knockout!

---

Sometime later, in the pits of Tartarus...

"What's with the swollen cheek?" asks the weak-formed Tirek.

"I don't want to talk about it." Cozy Glow grumbles while avoiding eye contact.

This Lightning Round's victory goes to... Kim Possible!

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Comments

[Dirty Bit]

"She thinks she's all that, but she's not!"

[denneylaw]

I can picture this but instead of Kim Possible, it would be with Stewie Griffin trying to get his trans dimensional device back