The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Side Battle: The Guiding Forces of the Story

Normally, I'd advise setting the "Formatting" to "Dark", but I'm wondering if the purple text would look better against a lighter setting. You'll have to test for yourself which way is better.

A/N: I guess this is technically a two-on-two battle. Please watch out for cringe and morbid jokes... oh, and spoiler alert! Though, it's kind of old by now. I'm not sure what I can say that the internet hasn't already.
P.S. I've decided to go ahead and go through with this somewhat satirical chapter and work on the more "serious" chapter for next time. In the words of Sokka from the Southern Water Tribe, "The new plan... is the old plan."
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, Davey Wreden, and Flint Sparks.
---

The Moment No Pony was Waiting For

Season 5

Side Battle

If you think you're going to hear voices of reason, you're going to have a bad time.

Ever since man started communicating their first words, storytelling has become a staple in entertainment and sharing information.

While some storytellers stick to the boring tropes like "It was a dark and stormy night", others go an extra mile to actually communicate with their characters while they're in the middle of their story.

Today we're pitting the narrator of the aptly named "Maud Pie Falls in Love With the Narrator"...

... against the sadistic narrator of the mind-blowing visual novel "The Stanley Parable HD".

Seeing as how neither of these combatants has a physical body to work with, we will be letting them use their respective protagonists to carry out their spoken actions.

She's N and I'm F.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

---Death Battle---

Maud's Narrator
-A voice that observes and transcribes the events as they occur
-Spirit animal: a rock picked out by Maud Pie
-Shares feelings with Maud
-Doesn't quite know what to do with interruptions
-Provides compliments in full
-Sometimes goes on a tangent in the middle of narration
-Is forced to leave Maud by circumstance

This narrator described the beginning of his partaken story as a dark and stormy night.

*Sigh* Here we go again.

However, due to his description of things going on, a filly Maud Pie was able to overcome her fear of a nonexistent monster in the closet.

He seems to like skipping through time a lot with his word phrase transitions. Though, when you think about it, don't we kind of do the same thing in this compilation of battles?

Oh, dear. Let's go back to describing the story before I get a migraine. *Shivers.* Apparently hearing this narrator through many situations, both good and bad, gave Maud comfort. She developed feelings toward this 'invisible pony'... feelings of eros.

Arrows? You mean like Cupid's?

*Sigh* Close enough. Though, the relationship had a few arguments and was a bit unnerving to the pony whose life was being described, Maud and her narrator kept at it. In fact, she even procured a special rock just for him so that she could have a physical representation to touch and to kiss.

I've heard of a man being hard, but this is ridiculous.

While the relationship is cute, the narrator can be easily distracted. One thought leads to another, and soon he's describing in detail hypothetical and philosophical inquiries that completely miss the point of whatever is happening in his story.

Plus, shouting to a voice only she could hear didn't earn Maud any pleasant looks. Pfft. Like she even cares what other ponies think.

Additionally, this narrator's role has a definitive end. Apparently, he was only meant to exist for the duration of one day.

April Freaking Fools. Gosh dang it!

"Maud, I have to go."

---Death Battle---

Stanley's Narrator
-A surround-sound voice
-Works with a silent protagonist
-Tells the tale of freedom, only if Stanley follows the story to the letter (i.e. giving up his free will)
-Improvises on the fly
-Has a plethora of ways to narrate Stanley's death
-Doesn't know what to do with the "Confusion Ending"
-Is just as susceptible to memory rewrite as any other video game character

Meanwhile in an expansion of a Half-Life mod, this narrator tells the story of Employee #427: Stanley, a man whose only true passion in life is to push buttons for a living.

But one day, orders stop coming in. The narrator opens the office door and allows Stanley to roam free... to a certain extent. Most of the other office doors are locked, allowing Stanley to only traverse on a seemingly linear course.

However, if walking into a nature walk isn't your idea of a happy ending, there are dozens of different ways Stanley can take. But the narrator's a bit smarter than that. He seems to have an answer to just about every deviation Stanley can possibly take from the path.

While some of these alternate routes lead to Stanley dying like many choose-your-own-adventure stories do, the narrator also has a few ways to describe a very meta existence. For example, if Stanley crouches to get on top of two desks that lead him out of the window, it turns out the narrator already has a couple of trails of dialogue ready to describe his character's predicament.

Still, that doesn't quite prepare the narrator for everything. If Stanley times his entrance and exit out of his "boss's office", he can traverse all the way back and find an escape elevator without any snarky remarks at his expense. There's also a point where the narrator gets replaced by a female narrator should Stanley take the shortcut to the left of the Mind Control Facility and find out that neither Stanley nor the narrator have any freedom. All possible paths were pre-written and prepared in advance.

And should Stanley find his way to the "Confusion Ending", the narrator is forced to forget everything and start the game again. While he may not particularly love Stanley enough to avoid killing him at any cost, the narrator is pretty good at describing most of the events and improvising when things don't go exactly his way.

And he can make a sweet house in Minecraft. ... What?

Was that sarcasm?

Me, sarcastic? Never!

"This was not the correct way to the meeting room, and Stanley knew that perfectly well."

---Death Battle---

Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time for a Death Battle!

---Death Battle---

This is an epilogue story of a man named Stanley. Stanley was no longer Employee No. 427 at an office building under mind control. No, Stanley was a free man enjoying the fresh air, the bright sunlight, and the lush greenery all around him.

Excuse me! This is my segment of the story's description. Wait your turn!

Wait, what? Who said that? Stanley, was that you?

The man in a blue civilian's uniform shakes his head.

How very curious. I could've sworn I just heard a voice other than-

Having thought things over, the author decided to allow me to narrate a new story about the great, beautiful mare that was, is, and always will be Maud Pie. For you see, she is the smartest, most beautiful, loving pony a disembodied voice could ask for.

"Oh, stop it you." Maud blushed despite the fact that she loves it when I compliment her in every wonderful aspect. "Seriously."

Um, guys? Hello? Anyone remember that I'm supposed to narrate the Death Battle from before, to during, and possibly a little bit that happens after it's done?

And now I'm hearing even more voices. What is happening to my epilogue story?

"Huh? Who said that?" Maud cradled her smooth rock representation of me for comfort. It was with good reason too. I'm starting to get a little scared of all the extra chatter myself.

Stanley starts running forward as quickly as the feet that he can't see can take him.

Hey! That's my Stanley that you're making move forward! Give him back!

Although her face doesn't show her fear as much as it did in her adorable filly years, her shaking eyes are a good indicator that she's scared. To try and keep her head steady, she trotted forward along the cobblestone path in order to drown out all other voices but my own. Stay strong, my love. I'm here for you.

Guys!

Stanley quickly put the breaks on his feet, because he had absolutely no idea to where he was running.

Despite his narrator's insistence, the man keeps on running.

Stanley, please. Stop running! I'm genuinely looking out for your health right now.

"The voices are everywhere!" Maud, please just focus on me. Er, well, not on the physical me obviously. I'm not actually there. I'm just a narrator. But you said yourself that you have a small piece that you can hold dear to be me in your story. So, please, just keep walking calmly, and hold my rock close. You're going to be alright. Cheese and crackers, I can barely hold my own anxiety in check right now. Though, come to think of it, why would I ever write a check made out to my anxiety in the first place?

If I could just have the floor back for a minute-

Stanley, don't trip on that crack in the road!

The man comes sliding to a stop just before his invisible feet stop somewhere just behind a large, black crack in the road. Here the road seems to be divided between a sidewalk in the human world and one of Equestrian soil.

Oh, thank gosh. You really had me worried that you were about to smack your face against the floor again in an attempt to rashly disobey me.

Would you guys just-

---
A/N: Shut up!~
---

...

"..."

...

...

---
A/N: Thank you. Now, DB narrator, you may do your job.
---

Uh, right. *Ahem* By this time, both of the stories' protagonists see each other. The pony stuffs her rock back into her pocket for safekeeping. The man carefully steps over the crack in the floor to avoid tripping. Thankfully, both of the narrators are stunned long enough for me to finish this paragraph and make this thing happen. *Whew!* En garde!

"FIGHT!"

Stanley walked forward and leaned down to get a better look. But upon doing so, he was rudely kicked in the face.

Stanley performs the actions described in that first sentence that his narrator says. However...

Despite what the rude, tangerine-sounding voice said, Maud would never harm a fly. I mean, I guess if that fly had somehow brought harm to her family, she might hurt it. But the odds of that happening are slim to none.

"Hello, how are you?" Maud asked the man. Yet he gave no response.

He hasn't talked to me for as long as I've known him. Why would he ever utter a whisper to you inferior beings?

Infe- Don't go Tales of Symphonia on us!

"I'm fine. How are you?"

... what.

"Very well, thank you." Maud nodded along with her response.

Stanley... how long have you been able to talk?

"I don't know. I thought I'd try it this time right now and for some reason, it worked."

But then... why did you never say "nightshark117" during that voice-password pathway?

"I did! You just refused to listen! I even tried typing in 'voice command' but you still wouldn't hear it."

Well, you should have told me that I wasn't listening.

"That doesn't make any sense."

"So, uh... I've never quite seen a creature like you before." Maud?

"Yeah, I think you're the first living person other than invisible voices that I've met in... forever and a half."

Maud looked at Stanley with... longing... eyes. What are you doing?

And Stanley's vision is filling with rosy red and pink. The heck?

"Could I... snuggle with you?"

"I think you can do more than that."

Stanley, I don't like that hungry look on your face.

Maud, I thought you were my girlfriend.

"Come here, you."

"Come and get it, tiger."

The camera pans up. A loud smooching sound effect is played.

Oh, gosh! Furries! No! Bad touch!

Maud... *sniff* I thought what we had was special! Nooooooooooo!

"*M.O.!"

*Huff huff* This is your fault! Your character took my love away!

How dare you? You bring your pony fetishes into my story and accuse me of ruining things. I think you are the one who owes the apology around here and I deserve it.

Oh, I'll give you something you deserve alright! *Whack*

D...Did you just slap me without any physical limbs to slap me with in the first place?

Yeah, and there's more where that came from! *Whack*

Oh you are so dead, plebe! *Bop*

While the disembodied voices have a melee without any visible scene to show, the camera zooms out of the totally unexpected scene where a human and a pony are enjoying each other's company.

---Death Battle---

What in the hay am I looking at?

I think we accidentally a crackship fic.

But that's impossible! Even the friendship endings never ended with combatants falling in love with each other.

Heh heh heh. Silly N. Since when were we ever the ones in control?

Um, F? Why did you set your eyes on fire?

No reason. ... Augh! My eye sockets are burning! Oh my gawd! This was a terrible idea!

F runs around several feet away from the hosts' desk.

O...kay then. Well, I suppose this match up didn't really have a chance of getting far. Neither narrator's protagonist was allowed to do any actual fighting during their respective stories. Stanley might have had the disadvantage of dying more times than Maud. But Maud would be lacking in life experience considering Stanley gets more chances at living than she does.

F slams his face into a fire extinguisher, somehow spilling shaving cream all over himself in the process.

Meanwhile, both of the narrators are disembodied voices that follow pre-written scripts. So, they couldn't exactly make each other bleed or die. While they can very well cause each other mental trauma via words, neither one has a decisive finisher unless the script is purposefully written in their favor.

Okay... I'm back... whew.

Are you sure you're going to be alright?

Yeah, I'll be fine. My fiery pain isn't nearly as bad as that love rectangle we just witnessed.

This Death Battle is a draw.

---Death Battle---

---

Okay, this part will require the "Dark" setting for one line.
Next time on Death Battle...

An orange tail flicks. "You thought you burned me to a crisp, you big... small lizard? Well, think again!"

A red scarf briefly flaps in the wind. "I think it's time you talked to my gun."

A question mark pops overhead. "Spike? Who's the guy? And how does the weasel know you?"

A vein pulses. "Weasel?! You are so getting pressed into glue, you horse toy!"

*Shing!* "Over my dead scales!"

The gun clicks. "Don't give me any ideas, small fry."

*A huge explosion ruptures the headphone users' ears.*

"Spike? Spike! Spike!"
---

Author's Note:

*Well, if K.O. stands for "knockout", what do you think M.O. stands for in this context?
...
Oh, and do you guys prefer previews or surprises? I get the impression that audiences are mixed on this debate.

Comments

[Dirty Bit]

Okay, I laughed. That was the best fan battle yet

Make out. It stands for make out.

So it's Spike and Daxter again?

[Darth Pestilence]

... I'm not sure what to make of this.

[leslie2000]

7384230 which chapter was that?

[Dirty Bit]

7388998 Hang on, I think I might be wrong about my guess. I haven't read the earlier chapters in a while

[leslie2000]

7389287 oh ok

[leslie2000]

7350044 Lord beerus (from dragon Ball z) vs discord