The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

Lightning Round: Pick A Card

Advisory: Set "Formatting" to whatever lets you read the text.
All properties belong to their respective owners.
---

Burst Lightning Round

Here, all the fights are done without waiting for analysis.

All fighters!

All action!

No research!

Lightning Round!

Start the clock and... go!

---Cheaters Rarely Prosper---

Chrysalis (MLP:FiM) vs. D'arby the Gambler (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders)

The simulation conjures up part of a desert in the middle of Egypt. A four-legged figure walks through the sand toward a small oasis town. Its face is hidden under its tan cloak. Several buildings' outlines wiggle behind the waves of heat. The camera zooms in on a bar and club.

The figure approaches the bar and gruffly orders, "The strongest thing you've got."

The man behind the bar smirks and swiftly pulls out a gun to the cloaked figure's face.

She spits to the side and says, "Cute," before a green aura turns the gun around. A shot goes through the man's forehead before he slumps over on the floor. She glances her slit eyes around, yet most of the attendees pay no mind. However, a well-dressed man with a split mustache quietly taunts her with one finger. Her eyes move as if raising an eyebrow. Deciding to humor him, she stands up and trots over.

After passing a pink-maned customer, she scoffs. "If you're expecting me to apologize or clean up, you're mistaken."

"On the contrary, ma'am." The fancy man waves his hand dismissively. "I see that you have quick reflexes and wished to commend you for them."

"Oh, spare me." She practically hisses. "What do you really want?"

"Straight to business?" He smiles thinly. "Very well, I'd like to propose a contest of wit. Choose a game, and I'll show you the prowess of a legendary gambler."

"Really? Pah!" She reveals her blackened hoof with holes. "In that case, why don't we just play Poker since you've already got a deck out?"

"If you insist." The 'legendary gambler' starts shuffling the cards more vigorously. "I should probably mention that the loser of this duel will also lose their soul."

Visible only to the audience, another presence floats in wait behind the gentleman, looking over his shoulder.

"You just made a mistake, fool." The former changeling queen smirks. "I never lose."

The pink-maned pony turns around at recognizing the voice. "Hey, Chrysalis! Are you sure you should be playing a game where you can lose? Remember all those times you lost? Like the times some random pony defeated you? Are you losing right now and you're just too embarrassed to admit it?" The last clone of Pinkie waves her hoof in front of the changeling's face. "Chrysalis?"

Chrysalis growls. "I never lose!"

The man smirks as he deals five cards face-down to each of them. "Then may the best player win."

Eyes on the prize!

Open the game!

Each of the players currently has ten poker chips in front of themselves. The rules of Five-Card Poker are fairly straightforward. Once per turn, players can opt to trade-in some of their cards in an attempt to get a better combination of cards. These better cards are called "stronger hands". The player that has the "strongest" hand wins the round. Whoever takes all of the other player's chips first wins the entire game.

However, as simple as this premise is, it's the betting aspect that turns the game into a psychological war zone. Even if your opponent has a stronger hand, you may be able to convince them to fold and surrender the round if you bluff well. That being said, D'arby the Gambler is a force to be reckoned with in high-stakes Poker. For he not only has a decent poker face, but he can also cheat when replacing cards so well that the average human eye cannot even detect that he is doing so.

Normally, changelings can copy subjects so flawlessly that it takes more than a first glance to detect that something is wrong. But given her recent defeats, Chrysalis is more driven by emotion and vengeance than she has ever been before. While tenacity is a strength for many, this wearing of emotions on her metaphorical sleeve can be costly in this scenario.

...

I don't know why I put on an announcer voice for that bit. Onward!

The camera gives the audience a glimpse of the cards currently being held by both players. D'arby is holding the jack-of-clubs, the jack-of-hearts, the nine-of-diamonds, the seven-of-spades, and the two-of-hearts. Under her hoof, Chrysalis is holding the queen-of-spades, the queen-of-clubs, the ten-of-hearts, the ace-of-clubs, and the three-of-spades. Her odds of winning with these current cards is fairly high.

"Let's open first bets with one chip apiece." D'arby tosses one poker chip from his stack onto the center of the table.

"Why should we stop there?" Chrysalis asks rhetorically before setting three chips into the pot. "I raise you two."

"Such confidence." D'arby places another two from his stack into the collection. "Perhaps I should be concerned." He chuckles inside his mind. "Anyway, I'll replace two of my cards." He sets a couple cards from his hand to the side and draws two new ones.

"I'll do the same for now." Chrysalis redraws two cards. Then, she looks down slightly.

"Final bets before the reveal," says D'arby. "I'll bet two more just to keep it interesting."

"You're sure in a hurry to lose." Chrysalis levitates two more chips from her stack to the pile.

All final bets are in place. The pot has ten chips in it. It is time to reveal the hands and compare their strength. Chrysalis lays down her five cards; three of them are queens. She looks at her opponent, showing some of her lower jaw's fangs.

"A three-of-a-kind." D'arby sighs. "Too bad it loses to this!"

When he lays down his hand, it is revealed that all four of the jacks are in it. It's a four-of-a-kind! D'arby wins the round and all of the wagered poker chips that go with it. Chrysalis grunts in frustration, while the nearby Pinkie clone gasps in dramatic fashion. D'arby has fifteen chips available to wager. Chrysalis is down to five chips.

"Bad luck, that time." D'arby chuckles. "You almost got me to shake a little."

"Deal again." Chrysalis pulls her cloak back, revealing her jagged horn and mess of a mane. "I've figured out your tells."

"Unlikely." D'arby shuffles the deck. "Everyone knows a true gambler has no tells."

"Did you lose yet?" asks the Pinkie clone.

"Shut up, fake Pinkie!" Chrysalis yells at her unwanted bystander.

D'arby starts dealing the next hands one card at a time. He alternates between one card to his opponent and one to himself. He is currently on the fourth card to deal when a green blast hits his right wrist. Naturally, he exclaims in pain. Chrysalis stares at him lividly while a small trail of smoke floats off her horn.

"I wasn't sure at first," she admits. "But after watching closely, I saw exactly how you've been cheating."

"Huh?" The Pinkie clone looks around at the table and its contents. "How could he be cheating when he was still dealing cards?"

"That deck has a card in the middle sticking out." Chrysalis points at it. "That's the card he was trying to give me. If he got away with that, he'd be able to give himself the top card."

She uses her magic to flip over the top card: a joker standing in as a wild card. She then magically flips over the rest of the cards D'arby dealt to himself. They're the four aces of the deck.

"That slippery weasel would have had a five-of-a-kind led by a wild, an unbeatable hand." She slams the table with her hoof. "If you were one of my subjects, I would have incinerated your face off for such insubordination! Consider the pain you feel now as a mercy!" She turns to look at the fake Pinkie. "Find somebody else to deal the cards. I can't trust him to do that anymore."

"Okie-dokie!" The fake Pinkie bounces away with a weird 'sproing' sound effect with each step.

D'arby grunts as he does a rush job of bandaging his wrist, using his left hand. "I was right. You have sharp reflexes. But the game is already close to its climax. You should have had faster eyes."

"Don't be an idiot." Chrysalis scoffed. "Nobody can see faster. All that matters is having power and using it."

Clone Pinkie pops back in with a familiar face. "Found some pony!"

"Huh? What? Where am I?" Twilight Sparkle looks around wildly. "What's going-- Chrysalis?!"

"You..." Chrysalis's eyes briefly glow in green hatred.

Twilight glances over and spots the man's bandaged wrist. "What happened to you?"

D'arby snarls. "Let's just say I got caught cheating and paid the consequences for it."

"Wait... you just openly admitted to that?" Twilight raises her eyebrow.

"So, like I asked you before, can you deal cards?" The Pinkie clone smiles while wagging her tail.

At a different table, someone accidentally pushes their wine glass over. The cup crashes against the floor.

Twilight crosses her front hooves. "Why would I do anything for the benefit of two creatures that actively manipulate others for their own selfish gain?"

"Because it would be FUN!" Clone Pinkie covers her mouth with her hooves before plopping back down to ground level. "Sorry..."

Twilight takes a breath and exhales gently. "Fine, but if either of you tries to pull something, I will stop you."

"You will try." Chrysalis rolls her eyes.

Using her magic, Twilight splits the deck into two piles and riffle-shuffles them. After doing this a couple more times, she straightens it out. She levitates five cards face-down to the man and the changeling. She squints her eyes, watching for any step out of line. This time, the audience does not get to see the cards' faces of either player.

"One chip... and one card." D'arby declares his bet and redraw.

"If you cheat me just because of a grudge..." Chrysalis glares at Twilight.

"Don't throw stones from your glass hive." Twilight returns the gaze with equal intensity.

"Raising three... and give me two new cards." Chrysalis throws most of her remaining chips into the pile. She takes a look at her new cards.

"I'll see that bet." D'arby moves the appropriate chips with his left hand. "And... I'll raise that again to double."

"Hah!" Chrysalis shifts her gaze to her opponent. "Have you lost the ability to count? You're betting eight chips now, more than I have left."

"Exactly!" D'arby points at her. "You'll have to either go all-in right now... or fold with only one chip left to your name. Which will it be?"

Aside from the intense background music, the club goes completely silent. Chrysalis slowly raises a hoof over her eyes. It's a bit difficult to determine what kind of noise is coming from her throat. But it eventually erupts into a mad cackle.

"You're that desperate for a finale, gambler? Fine!" She slams her last chip into the pot. "One way or another, I'll beat you faster than you can say, 'Revenge on Starlight Glimmer!' "

The cards in each hand are laid face-up on the table. D'arby's hand contains the seven-of-spades, the six-of-hearts, the five-of-diamonds, the four-of-clubs, and the three-of-spades. It's a 'straight'. Chrysalis's cards turn out to be the seven-of-hearts, the six-of-spades, the five-of-hearts, the four-of-spades, and the three-of-diamonds. It's a 'straight' of the same values.

"Tie," comments Twilight. "The pot is split. Round-off chip goes to the player left of dealer." Twilight glances to her left at Chrysalis. "... unfortunately."

"Well, that was anti-climactic." D'arby collects six chips from the pot.

"Yes, I guess it was..." Chrysalis's horn glows while her opponent's head is down. "Yah!"

Her magic blast looks like it's going straight for the man's head. Twilight gasps, knowing that any counter-spell she casts now would be too late. Clone Pinkie reaches to cover her eyes in slow motion while mouthing the phrase "Oh... my... Celestia!"

The blast collides with something in midair and is deflected. Both ponies and the changeling blink their eyes in confusion. What just happened? Well, the audience gets a look at the presence with circular digits for fingers floating around and from D'arby.

He smirks. "Looks like I caught you cheating this time. Unfortunately, I don't have your kind of mercy. So you'll have to settle for a harsher penalty."

Twilight shakes her head. "Wait! I don't understand! How did you block that? Humans can't cast magic! ... Well, most of them."

"If you can't see my Stand, I'm afraid you don't have the tools to beat it." D'arby points with his good hand. "Osiris, take her soul!"

The Stand phases through and grabs Chrysalis between both of its appendages. Chrysalis looks around, but can't see anything. Her irises shrink as a ghost in the shape of her is ripped right out of her flesh. This ghost faintly screams before being forced to shrink. As soon as Osiris presses its fingers together, a green poker chip falls onto the table and bounces into D'arby's grasp.

"That was almost too easy." He chuckles while staring at his new collectible.

Chrysalis's body hangs limply on her seat. There's a faint pulse, but any completely voluntary functions aren't responding. Twilight drops the deck in shock. Clone Pinkie stares in horror at the scene.

"What did you do?!" Twilight exclaims.

"I beg your pardon, miss?" D'arby flips the green chip around between his fingers. "Last I checked, you didn't particularly like this old witch. You're free to go."

Twilight stares at him in disbelief. "Maybe I didn't like her, but that doesn't mean you can just take her soul out!"

"Why do you care so much?" D'arby looks with a calmer, yet equally confused sense of disbelief. "Are you saying you'd be willing to play to recover her soul?"

"No!" A new voice overcomes the rabble of the bar and club.

All three of this table's current guests look over. A high school student with chains on his outfit walks over. He shoves the changeling aside with his foot before taking the seat himself.

"Your next opponent is me."

D'arby somehow manages to clench the fist of his bad wrist. "Jotaro..."

Retired!

This round's victory goes to... D'arby!

---

---The White Captain---

Shining Armor (MLP: FiM) vs. Blaster Blade (Cardfight!! Vanguard)

Make your selection!

A screen shows a bunch of small icons that depict various people, creatures, and things from miscellaneous media. A red "1P" flicks around until it lands on the image of a white unicorn with a blue mane. Simultaneously, a blue "2P" darts around the board until it highlights a man with teal eyes and armor filled with a pattern of white and blue pieces and a few red jewels.

The background shatters to reveal a wide-open valley with a mountain range and a faded moon against a bright blue sky. The unicorn stallion seems to have been decked out with a set of armor with gold and royal purple pieces. Several feet away, a jagged circle of light appears in the ground. An astral body floats down and takes the form of the man in armor. He lifts his white blade and stands ready.

Stand your ground!

Let's rock!

Blaster Blade's sword opens at two joints as white lightning rushes out. "Burst Buster!"

Shining Armor's horn briefly flashes and a dark pink barrier surrounds him. The lightning from his enemy dances around the barrier and scorches a couple spots on the ground on either side. Once the lightning subsides, Shining drops his barrier and gallops forward. Blaster Blade closes his weapon to its default look and runs forward as well. Shining tries blasting magic missiles at his opponent. Blaster Blade sidesteps some of the blasts while using his sword to block the others.

Blaster Blade leaps off a ramped rock and raises his sword above his head with both arms. He lets out a battle cry before swinging it down with full force. Shining Armor casts and creates a magenta shield big enough to cover himself. The sword impacts the shield with a loud clang. Blaster Blade tries swinging his blade three more times, but the shield holds against all of the attacks.

The Royal Paladin switches to a one-handed stance and goes for a piercing strike. This time, the shield cracks a little. Seeing this, Shining Armor grunts and flinches. The stallion jumps back just in time for the sword to nick his chest.

Shining channels his magic into a focused beam. Blaster Blade holds up his sword to block the attack. He grunts as he slowly walks forward against the beam's push. Inch by inch, the distance between the fighters decreases. He yells out as he puts his might into one last push.

The unicorn's horn flashes as the beam suddenly stops. In its place, a magenta barrier surrounds Shining and grows outwards at an exponential rate. Blaster Blade gasps in surprise as the barrier pushes him back and launches him up from a rocky ramp. Shining blasts one more beam of magic and it crashes through the red jewel on Blaster Blade's chest.

Blaster Blade crashes along the ground as his weapon clatters beside him.

Knockout!

The winner of this round is... Shining Armor!

---

---One Last Laugh---

Discord (MLP: FiM) vs. The Joker (Batman; DC Comics)

Dark. Darker. But not yet "Even Darker". This replica of Gotham City is jam-packed full of buildings that somehow lack proper lighting. It suits the caped vigilante just fine as he grapple-hooks and glides between the vast shadows. He has his eyes set for some mix of justice and vengeance.
---
In a rippling flashback, we see him opening a letter that speaks about the most recent "Wonder Boy". It seems the kid has been kidnapped by a classic adversary and is being threatened to die. Of course, this particular enemy isn't after ransom money. No, he's just doing this for kicks and giggles. The small recorder included with the letter even says so before it explodes. Bat Hound AKA Ace barks harshly at the noise.
---
He follows the less than subtle clues toward a dark destination. There's a sound of commotion that he follows inside the respective skyscraper. He looks over the metal catwalk and narrows his eyes. It appears the boy is no longer in immediate danger and is wildly swinging his sword at his kidnapper.

"Now, now, pipsqueak!" The purple-dressed clown chuckles nervously. "Didn't your mother teach you not to run with swords?"

"She tried once, but then she deferred to my grandfather." The boy walks around, looking for an opening.

Really, Damien? Batman internally sighs before he runs along the catwalk and through a 'staff only' door.

The brief combat between a swinging sword-wielder and a clown continues for a few more seconds. In the process, Damien AKA Robin ends up slashing up a set of wires, crushing a random crate, and slicing open a water tank that gets his enemy all wet.

Said enemy spits out some of the accidentally swallowed water. "Hmm, wires and water. Why does that give me deja vu?"

There's a magical poof, to which Robin yelps. When the smoke clears, a literal robin crawls out from under the cape. Yet for some reason, Robin's mask and utility belt have shrunk to fit comfortably on the bird. The clown blinks twice before tilting his head.

"I'm sorry, what just happened?" He looks around.

"Joker..."

Joker looks around. "Bats? Is that you? Why do you sound slightly more gruff than usual?"

A pair of eyes stares out from a dark corner of the large room. "I am the night. I am vengeance. I... am..." Suddenly, the line is interrupted by a coughing fit. It actually raises an octave. "Kah-heh! Keh-hah! Good lord, how did Christian Bale do this for longer than five seconds?"

A draconequus floats underneath a light fixture. He looks like he's wearing a copy of Batman's mask, cape, and... oh gosh. Why does the chest piece of his costume have fake nipples on it? Thankfully, he poofs away the costume in its entirety in the next second.

"Now what cat spat that disfigured hairball out?" wonders Joker aloud.

"Rather rude to speak about somebody that's standing right in front of you," retorts the draconequus. "The name's Discord. I'm all about spreading chaos. And I have to say, your particular brand... is kind of dull."

"Excuse you?" Joker leans forward while pulling out an ear trumpet.

"You resort to murder far too frequently." Discord waggles his eagle talon. "Mix it up a little! Leave someone stranded with a few days' worth of food. Make a toxin that doesn't kill, but drives them to live a full life of insanity. Branch out!"

"Joker!" Batman kicks open a first-floor door and runs toward the scene.

"For example..." Discord snaps his lion paw.

A puff of smoke surrounds Batman. He stops in place, but the chaos magic is already at work. A few cracks and snaps can be heard. When the smoke clears, there is a new creature standing there. It resembles a pony with a mask on, actual bat ears and bat wings. It has fangs and it lets out a screech. This bat-pony flies straight for the robin. The bird turns on its tail and flies away with the bat-pony giving chase.

"Hey!" Joker snaps. "Get your own toys!"

"You also need to work on sharing." Discord floats to an adequate distance.

This battle is about to explode!

Begin!

"Can you guess which card is my trump card?" Joker pulls out a full deck of cards and throws it. They all sound like shuriken spinning through the air.

Discord slithers around and stretches this way and that to avoid the cards. He chuckles as he poofs a small squad of flying pigs with little army helmets. They grunt and squeal as Discord points at what their target should be. As they approach, Joker pulls out a gun. Two shots ring out, causing the receiving pigs to drop and tumble. For the third shot, Joker's gun releases a flag labeled "BANG!" This flag is released as a lethal dart through the last pig's skull.

"You know what?" Joker tosses his empty pistol to the side. "Maybe you're right about the obsession with murder." He extends a hand, with the back of it facing the camera. "How about a fresh start?"

"Wow, that was easier than I thought." Discord teleports up close and reaches to take the hand in his lion paw. "I'll be happy to show you the better ways of cha-EEEEEEE!"

A severely strong current of electricity dances through the draconequus's body. Joker cackles madly and even jumps up and down as his joy-buzzer continues to unleash sparks and jolts.
---
The robin flies over the catwalk and latches his feet on one of the hand rails. As the bat-pony closes the distance, the robin pulls out a normal-sized Birdarang from its belt. Holding it like a two-handed sword between its wings, the robin swings it around. The bat-pony flaps its wings to slow down and stay out of the Birdarang's reach. The two animals hiss and tweet at each other respectively.
---
After nearly a minute of electrocution, Discord falls to the floor as a pile of ashes.

Joker wipes a bit of dust off his sleeves. "What a sucker."

A giant lollipop poofs into his mouth and he stumbles back in surprise. The clown trips over shoelaces that randomly tied themselves together. He pulls on the stick of his unwanted piece of candy this way and that until he finally gets it out. He coughs while massaging his neck with one hand.

"Oh, shame for you." The ashes whisk around before reshaping into the original draconequus. He sneezes, revealing all of his skin, hide, scales, and other types of epidermis in full color. "You activated my Dis-card."

Joker pulls out a pair of shears and cuts the knot holding his shoelaces apart. "You know, that joke doesn't really cut it in this context."

"Yeah, I realized that after I started saying it." Discord's lips and fang fall off and they grow a pair of stubby legs. "But sometimes, my mouth gets running before I can stop and think. You know?" The lips leap up and grow teeth to chomp on Joker's scalp.

"Gah!" Joker fumbles around, trying to pull the mouth off with his hands. "I don't want a skull-piercing!" He pulls out a decorated grenade from his pocket, pulls the pin, and tosses it straight up. "Eat this!"

Discord's tail reaches out like a lasso and wraps around the grenade. He lifts his eagle talon and somehow produces a whistling sound even though it looks like he's snapping. His mouth jumps off Joker's head and clamps onto the grenade. This full mouth then jumps back onto the draconequus's muzzle. He then proceeds to loudly chew the contents.

"Mmmm! Pineapple!" Discord uses his claw like a toothpick. He then belches a small green cloud. "But snack time is over. Heh heh... hee hee hee... ha ha ha ha ha..." He holds his mouth with both of his front limbs. "What's ha-ha-ha-happeni-hee-hee-hee-ng?"

"Well, Mr. Master of Chaos." Joker adjusts his purple suit. "Normally, I only administer the shrapnel and aerial spray from a Joker Toxin grenade. But scarfing the entire thing down? Overdose would be an understatement."

Discord can't seem to fit another word between his bouts of hyena-esque laughter. He tries to steady himself by using his tail as a recliner. However, he ends up rolling too far and crushes his mismatched wings on his back. Still, he continues to laugh as his eyes pop wide open.

"I understand it's quite painful for those without resistance like me." Joker calmly walks to stand over his laughing victim. "But you know what they say: laughter is the best medicine. BAH ha ha ha!" He somehow laughs louder than the one suffering from the Joker Toxin.

For a brief moment, the camera shows Discord's tail to the audience. His tail nabs a small strap with a shiny red button. Between the two combatants' laughing fits, Joker doesn't notice the tail reaching around and tossing him into the ever-growing puddle of water on the floor. The tail then tosses the joy-buzzer, button-side down, right on top of Joker's chest.

Sparks dance along the water, the container, and Joker's own body. The clown stops laughing and screams in blinding agony. These sparks continue as Discord's laughing starts to peter out. All of their limbs lie limply at their resting spots. Each of their still bodies wears a resting smile showing off all their teeth and their vacant eyes.
---
Batman and Robin stand on the catwalk, restored to their normal selves. They stare down at the criminal and the mystery creature.

"Good riddance," says Robin.

"We don't celebrate the passing of an enemy." Batman clenches a fist. "We mourn them, because they're people too."

"Weakness like that belongs to no father of mine." Robin turns and walks away.

Batman stares at him, looks down one more time, and then walks after his son.

Time's up!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have... a tie!

---

A few hours later, some people are at the scene and prepping body bags. One of them voices disgust before pulling the zipper completely over Joker's corpse. Panning to the side, the view focuses on the draconequus's eagle talon. It stays unmoving for several seconds. Then, it quickly flips over and curls against itself.

*Snap!*

Cut to black.
---

Author's Note:

I used the theme of cards very loosely and only applied it to the non-MLP combatants.

Comments

[Dirty Bit]

So Discord technically won...

Chrysalis vs D'arby, though

[whiteoak019]

Chrysalis vs Envy (Full Metal Alchemist)
Tempest Shadow vs Infinite: Two Commanders that work for comedic villains.

[leslie2000]

9537602
Chrysalis Vs Talos (From Captain Marvel) because they're both shape shifters

Spike Vs Pan (From Dragon Ball GT) Because they're both young