Glory Days
On the outskirts of the village, a frazzled earth pony was galloping up towards a wooden building, panting desperately. Shaking the sweat out of his mane, he knocked several times on the door to the two story structure while struggling to balance a saddlebag brimming with several sheets of printed paper.
"Enforcer?!" he exclaimed, his voice wavering. "Enforcer Josho?! Are you there?! It's... uhm... it's Red Oats, the town clerk. Are you awake?"
Silence hung off the grass, still glistening with dew.
Red Oats gulped and muttered, "Enforcer Josho?"
His ears pricked. He turned his head so that he was gazing around the edge of the building. A cacophonous snoring sound shattered the air, and it was coming from a lone, rickety outhouse beneath the shade of a spreading oak tree.
"Unngh..." Sighing, the earth pony shuffled over and slapped his hoof on the wooden finish of the outhouse. "Enforcer! We have a development! Please, you gotta—"
A disapproving grunt emanated from within, followed by the door flying wide open.
'Augh!" Red Oats grunted, receiving the full brunt of the panel sailing into his nose. He trotted backwards under a swimming sea of stars.
A gray-maned, portly stallion lurched out of the outhouse, his eyes bloodshot, his unbuttoned uniform hanging on his brown figure like a loose robe. "Nnngh..." He squinted angrily at the bright sky. "Every friggin' morning's on fire, I swear on the Queen's perfumed bridle." He belched, telekinetically raised a whiskey bottle to his muzzle, and took a deep sip. "Mmmmfff... why can't Xona just blow us off the continent already?"
"Enforcer Josho!" Red Oats gasped, flabbergasted. "What..." He gazed between the disheveled drunkard and the outhouse buzzing with flies. "What are you doing?!"
"Gettin' in touch with my good nature." The heavy-set unicorn weathered another belch, then brought a hoof up to scratch his gray neckbeard. "Which is the least I can say about you and your paper sucking desk job."
"Enforcer, sir, we have a town to run! I-I mean you have a town to run!"
"Tell me somethin' I don't know, kiddo," the stallion grunted as he lurched in a zig-zagged pattern down the length of his lawn. "Prime Enforcer of the Green Slope Province. I love this village like I love acne on the flank of the world. Mmmf..." He took another sip, leaned against a tree, and wiped his mouth clean. "Ohhhhh what I wouldn't give to be slicing swords through the flesh of invading ponytards again."
"Sir, I know how much you like to dwell on the past, but we got something of a situation here—"
"Did you know that back in my day, I could take on five Xonans at once?" Josho managed a lopside grin as he slapped his stained beret on backwards. "Yup. I'd look at those upstart mana-sucking tatooed freaks straight in the face and say 'Attack the confederacy, not on my watch, you insipid pieces of manure cheese!'" He sighed long. "And so, I defended the walls of Noontrot with a company of a ten stallions. We bathed in their blood." His lips curled. "And then a piece of shrapnel took my left foreleg. Meh. That's the price of being a badflank, I guess. What would you know, Red? The most you've ever fought was a stack of ledgers."
"Sir, the Council of Ledo has issued an alert." Red Oats pulled out one of several wanted posters from his satchel and held it before the teetering officer. "This is Category Red material. There are fugitives from Blue Shelf, reportedly traveling east at a swift rate. They need the Prime Enforcer of every Ledomaritan outpost to conduct a search of the local populace, including the province of Green Slope. Sir, that's you."
"What's me?"
"The Council is asking that every able-bodied soldier process this information that's being distributed. But with... with you and your bottle constantly making love to each other—"
"Just what would you know of—urp—love making, kid?"
"Huh?"
"I've got a better question for you." Josho frowned. "What's the square-root of negative one?"
"Uhm... I'm not s-sure at the top of my head, sir."
"Neither am I!" the bearded unicorn shouted, leering over the trembling earth pony. "Which is why I'm a dayum good soldier and not a mathematician!" He slapped the wanted posters out of Red Oats' hoof and squinted at it. "Lemme get a good luck at this crud. Hmmmm... Three ponies. A zebra, a unicorn with a stunted horn, and—" His eyes crossed briefly. Josho read the sheet again. "A pony with a rainbow mane who can fly?!" He glanced at the bottle and took another sip. "Well, heh, I should have no problem seeing that."
"Sir, this is serious..."
"Well, you're in luck, small fry. Because I'm a serious pony... at least when I'm not—urp—throwing up." With a deep breath, Josho marched towards the town hall building in the center of the village. "Go fetch me a cup of coffee and let's see if we can sort this junk out. Unngh... I already know this is gonna screw up caravan processing for the next month. Friggin' A, Queen. What gives?"
"That's just it, sir. We've had four groups of traders show up already. Wh-what should I do about them?"
"Mmmm... round up the militia," Johso said in a dull tone. "Form a line of processing at all entrances to the village. In the meantime, have your fellow secretaries spread the news. Nopony comes in or out until we get a good census of the equines in our provincial little butthole of a village."
"Okay. That sounds like a good plan—"
"You bet your damn tail it is!" Josho blinked crookedly at him. "It's my plan! Hmmmff... Anypony stroll by yet that meets the descriptions of these three pretty looking idiots?"
"Well, there's one figure, sir."
"Oh?"
"A zebra, sir. He was last seen in the marketplace..."
"Well, that sounds like something that deserves a punchline—Urp! Ahem. I'll go investigate myself..."
"Very well, sir."
As the two stumbled past a series of bushes, a yellow mare popped her head out of hiding. With a grimacing expression, Bellesmith trembled, gazed across the village, and broke into a gallop when nopony was looking. Trying to silence her worried whimpers, the former scientist snuck her way towards where her beloved had trotted under Rainbow Dash's guidance.
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Enforcer Josho, heh. Some call him a drunk, others a psycho.
No push-ups, this round, ):(. Though I hope to see a better portrayal of soldiers in the future...
Go ahead and challenge rainbow dash... It is fun, just like the first 90 feet of a 100 foot fall.
Actually if you try that, she is just as likely to put a beret on your head as to apply hooves to flank. Although she may do both.
I think Red Oats just needs to... use his imagination.
Something tells me there's nothing to be afraid of.
Another, smaller part of me is very frightened for our little trio. Watch out for those bitter old war vets. Fat and half-braindead they may be, underestimate them at your own peril.
well, that was interesting
1906687
That's more or less my gut feeling, too. Away missions never go off without a hitch. That in mind, poor Red Oats might be in for a bit of trouble, despite being on the "evil team."
I too am serious when I'm not throwing up...
1906473 I call him Vimbert after a bad week. <3
I'm surprised nobody has pointed out the tidbit we got about the Xonans.
I'd rather like to meet these fellows.
Yay, a village arc!
1907121 Agreed. Though "mana-sucking" seems... odd. Maybe it's just derogatory, but it doesn't sound good either way.
1907073
Only if Whitemane is Spike from EoP without the nearly 400 years of survivor's guilt.
"He walked up to a shopkeeper and asked, 'How much for a head of cabbage?' The shopkeeper replied, 'For you, no charge!'"
Oh wait, that's a different joke...
1906479
From what we've seen of officers, I'd say he's been spot on so far. The enlisted Enforcers seem to be well-trained and professional.
1907121
They're ponies, if I recall, but have a three-tierd language system in what appears to be a caste system. The laborers speak the "common" language, the military learned a somewhat more difficult language from another neighbor, one the laborers wouldn't have access to learn. The royal language, for diplomacy and ceremony and the like, is actually a revived, dead ancient language previously used by an arcane religion. I imagine it to require some serious study in order to learn.
If I were to speculated based on that, mana-sucking and tattoos probably reference the fact that the Xonan culture draws heavily from ceremony and ancient religions and thus the symbols are of spiritual importance. Additionally, they may have the ability of manipulation-of-mana through runes, painted symbols and the like. Not, interestingly, too dissimilar from how O.A.S.I.S seems to work
1907383
Perhaps O.A.S.I.S was designed with Xonan technology?
Also, when exactly was the whole three tiered language system revealed to us? I don't recall.
1907485
Belle first overheard some of it, and then continued to listen in. The analysis provided in those links is a bit more expansive, but also highlights all the Eastern imagery: Xona is east of Ledo, the Eastern Incursion, and so on.
1907516
Oh. Damn. I completely forgot about that.
Many thanks, fair zebra.
1906961
Sir, you have just been inserted.
I on the other hand, will never be inserted in a coherent manner do to the use of numbers in my name.
I love this new enforcer.
1906961 If this is how you are on a regular basis, I might just have to give you favors, possibly of a sexual variety.
Am I wrong to say that IC is the only author on FiM to randomly insert the audience into his stories?
1907773
1906509
i think we all do.
1908293
Haven't seen any like it. You may be right. How awesome is that?
Do you think he'll use Malus Armor anywhere?
Drunk enforcers. Gotta love them.
Aw, Dash, Pilate and Belle can take 'em. I didn't get the whole negative one thing until I realized it was another audience insert character - then I laughed. And "Ponytards" translated to pop-tarts in my head for some reason. I'm clearly tired or hungry, possibly both.
I don't know whether to deem these guys an actual threat or not. They don't seem dangerous, but as soon as I let my guard down I know this story'll come back to bite Dash and Co in the blubber. Well, as always, onward!
1908837
Subject: Enforcer Josho
Prefix Title obtained: "Psyco"
Preview: "Psyco Josho"
-Ghost Minty
what we know of Xonans:
-they consume mana
-they are NOT equines
is it possible that our good old black-shelled shape-shifting friends shall make a cameo?
I used to be a soldier but then I took a Piece of shrapnel to the knee
IIIIIt's Dashie's evaluation time!
So we get two new characters in this chapter - Enforcer Josho and Red Oats - as well as a confirmed setting - Green Slope. Making this the Green Slope Arc. Josh seems like he's incompetent, but I feel like once he finds the Eljunbyro trio, he'll be a challenge to fight. Also, I'm already sensing some character development for Red I'n the future...These are my thoughts so far.
-MASH
P.S. 1907740I know that feel, bro.
I still like Enforcer Shell more
I used to be an adventurer like you...
Well, what to make of this. Having received the incredible honour to be incorporated into Austraeoh... as a drunken, broken and discarded toy soldier.
IT'S SOMETHING!
I've returned!
I was reading other stories, but now I'm back! REjoice! 
Anywho...
So the group should be very easy to find... A zebra, a unicorn with a stubby horn, and a bloody pegasus with a rainbow mane.
Woohoo, Josho's been inserted!
1907740 yeah
1906509
...I need to start reading your comments more regularly.
Xona can suck mana? I'm curious to see what would happen if one tried that on the chaos in Dash. Would it spread again or could they remove the curse?
Things are about to get tipsy up in here.
s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/1351036029_4207-kelso-burn.jpg
and this be where I stop for the day. I believe this is day...3? day 1 was the first 40, took a week break, read 40-70 something and now im on 113. maybe I can finish on day 4....we shall see.
Something tells me we will be seeing more of this Josho, even after we leave this town
05/03/2017 16:44 UTC
8137810
For a total drunk ponytard, this guy sure knows how to function, even under the influence.
He may be a grouch, but damn if this guy isn't a slouch. He be scary good at his job, even if he don't take it seriously
It's a good thing Enforcer Josho only lost his foreleg.
With two eyes he can keep his eye on the ball and the other on his bottle.
Maybe he's only hung-over when we see him here, rather than fully drunk.
Another reason I love this series, I see something more be it in jokes or world/character building every time I reread.
08/28/2019
21:25 UTC
I love how the drunkard is a neckbeard.
I invoke the Eternal Flame of the venerable and ineffable Austraeoh Fact Checker! Was Josho the very first to grace our eye balls with the word "Meh" in this series? This is WAY before Kera stole our hearts, that's for sure.
10236242
Nah, I think the first appearance of the word "Meh" is made in Austraeoh, "Arrival".