• Published 19th Oct 2012
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Eljunbyro - Imploding Colon



Bellesmith must perform experimental tasks in order to keep herself and her beloved safe.

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Glory Days

On the outskirts of the village, a frazzled earth pony was galloping up towards a wooden building, panting desperately. Shaking the sweat out of his mane, he knocked several times on the door to the two story structure while struggling to balance a saddlebag brimming with several sheets of printed paper.

"Enforcer?!" he exclaimed, his voice wavering. "Enforcer Josho?! Are you there?! It's... uhm... it's Red Oats, the town clerk. Are you awake?"

Silence hung off the grass, still glistening with dew.

Red Oats gulped and muttered, "Enforcer Josho?"

His ears pricked. He turned his head so that he was gazing around the edge of the building. A cacophonous snoring sound shattered the air, and it was coming from a lone, rickety outhouse beneath the shade of a spreading oak tree.

"Unngh..." Sighing, the earth pony shuffled over and slapped his hoof on the wooden finish of the outhouse. "Enforcer! We have a development! Please, you gotta—"

A disapproving grunt emanated from within, followed by the door flying wide open.

'Augh!" Red Oats grunted, receiving the full brunt of the panel sailing into his nose. He trotted backwards under a swimming sea of stars.

A gray-maned, portly stallion lurched out of the outhouse, his eyes bloodshot, his unbuttoned uniform hanging on his brown figure like a loose robe. "Nnngh..." He squinted angrily at the bright sky. "Every friggin' morning's on fire, I swear on the Queen's perfumed bridle." He belched, telekinetically raised a whiskey bottle to his muzzle, and took a deep sip. "Mmmmfff... why can't Xona just blow us off the continent already?"

"Enforcer Josho!" Red Oats gasped, flabbergasted. "What..." He gazed between the disheveled drunkard and the outhouse buzzing with flies. "What are you doing?!"

"Gettin' in touch with my good nature." The heavy-set unicorn weathered another belch, then brought a hoof up to scratch his gray neckbeard. "Which is the least I can say about you and your paper sucking desk job."

"Enforcer, sir, we have a town to run! I-I mean you have a town to run!"

"Tell me somethin' I don't know, kiddo," the stallion grunted as he lurched in a zig-zagged pattern down the length of his lawn. "Prime Enforcer of the Green Slope Province. I love this village like I love acne on the flank of the world. Mmmf..." He took another sip, leaned against a tree, and wiped his mouth clean. "Ohhhhh what I wouldn't give to be slicing swords through the flesh of invading ponytards again."

"Sir, I know how much you like to dwell on the past, but we got something of a situation here—"

"Did you know that back in my day, I could take on five Xonans at once?" Josho managed a lopside grin as he slapped his stained beret on backwards. "Yup. I'd look at those upstart mana-sucking tatooed freaks straight in the face and say 'Attack the confederacy, not on my watch, you insipid pieces of manure cheese!'" He sighed long. "And so, I defended the walls of Noontrot with a company of a ten stallions. We bathed in their blood." His lips curled. "And then a piece of shrapnel took my left foreleg. Meh. That's the price of being a badflank, I guess. What would you know, Red? The most you've ever fought was a stack of ledgers."

"Sir, the Council of Ledo has issued an alert." Red Oats pulled out one of several wanted posters from his satchel and held it before the teetering officer. "This is Category Red material. There are fugitives from Blue Shelf, reportedly traveling east at a swift rate. They need the Prime Enforcer of every Ledomaritan outpost to conduct a search of the local populace, including the province of Green Slope. Sir, that's you."

"What's me?"

"The Council is asking that every able-bodied soldier process this information that's being distributed. But with... with you and your bottle constantly making love to each other—"

"Just what would you know of—urp—love making, kid?"

"Huh?"

"I've got a better question for you." Josho frowned. "What's the square-root of negative one?"

"Uhm... I'm not s-sure at the top of my head, sir."

"Neither am I!" the bearded unicorn shouted, leering over the trembling earth pony. "Which is why I'm a dayum good soldier and not a mathematician!" He slapped the wanted posters out of Red Oats' hoof and squinted at it. "Lemme get a good luck at this crud. Hmmmm... Three ponies. A zebra, a unicorn with a stunted horn, and—" His eyes crossed briefly. Josho read the sheet again. "A pony with a rainbow mane who can fly?!" He glanced at the bottle and took another sip. "Well, heh, I should have no problem seeing that."

"Sir, this is serious..."

"Well, you're in luck, small fry. Because I'm a serious pony... at least when I'm not—urp—throwing up." With a deep breath, Josho marched towards the town hall building in the center of the village. "Go fetch me a cup of coffee and let's see if we can sort this junk out. Unngh... I already know this is gonna screw up caravan processing for the next month. Friggin' A, Queen. What gives?"

"That's just it, sir. We've had four groups of traders show up already. Wh-what should I do about them?"

"Mmmm... round up the militia," Johso said in a dull tone. "Form a line of processing at all entrances to the village. In the meantime, have your fellow secretaries spread the news. Nopony comes in or out until we get a good census of the equines in our provincial little butthole of a village."

"Okay. That sounds like a good plan—"

"You bet your damn tail it is!" Josho blinked crookedly at him. "It's my plan! Hmmmff... Anypony stroll by yet that meets the descriptions of these three pretty looking idiots?"

"Well, there's one figure, sir."

"Oh?"

"A zebra, sir. He was last seen in the marketplace..."

"Well, that sounds like something that deserves a punchline—Urp! Ahem. I'll go investigate myself..."

"Very well, sir."

As the two stumbled past a series of bushes, a yellow mare popped her head out of hiding. With a grimacing expression, Bellesmith trembled, gazed across the village, and broke into a gallop when nopony was looking. Trying to silence her worried whimpers, the former scientist snuck her way towards where her beloved had trotted under Rainbow Dash's guidance.

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