Eljunbyro

by Imploding Colon

Uncreative Numbers

"In addition to something hearty to eat, I was wondering if you might possess charts of a cartographical feat."

"Er... huh? You mean like a map?"

"Yes. Uhm... most assuredly," Pilate said, then blinked. "Erm... my good fellow of... sociability?"

The zebra was sweating. A crowd had gathered around the marketplace, and he didn't need to have vision to detect it. His cloaked ears twitched from the gaggle of Ledomaritan murmurs surrounding him in the morning air.

"Okay, now..." Rainbow Dash's voice cracked in his ears. "Pivot halfway to your right and point one hundred and twenty degrees up from the ground. Then ask if the hoodie comes in black."

"No!" Pilate hissed into his choker, frowning. "You come down here! You ask if it comes in black!"

"Awwww... come on..."

"Since when was any of this about hoodies?!"

"Hey! I'm parting with a good hatchet! I wanna make the trade worthwhile!"

"Uhm... Sir?" The unicorn at the market table leaned forward. "Is everything alright?"

"All we need is food and some map!" Pilate snarled at Rainbow Dash.

"Huh?"

"Erm..." Pilate gulped and smiled in the direction of the vendor. "So long as that can be done without mishap! I apologize for my awkward speech, good friends. I assure you I only mean to conduct good business in the end!"

"Well, alright. This is a mighty fine hatchet you have. I can give you some excess credit unless there was something else you specifically wanted besides what you've already asked for..."

Unbeknownst to anypony in the area—least of all Pilate—a gold coated form was diving behind a line of bushes. Belle peaked out from behind the market vendor and hissed Pilate's way, attempting to get his attention. She was anything but successful. Her face sweated more and more as a heavy set of hoofsteps shuffled in that direction.

"What we have here is fine, stallion of mine. Now I don't suppose you'd be willing to part with that topographical chart?" Pilate asked, pointing again.

"I don't suppose you picked up that accent in the northern provinces, hmm?" a voice slurred from behind the zebra.

Pilate's metal brow furrowed. His nostrils flared, and he bore a disgusted expression. Turning around, her leaned his face towards the offensive sound of flies buzzing.

Josho stood in a lean, his bloodshot eyes gazing suspiciously at the cloaked figure. A shivering Red Oats stood in the obese veteran's shadow.

"Who in the hay is this cat huffer?" Rainbow Dash's voice squeaked.

Pilate cleared his throat. "The only province from which I hail is... uhm... a land of the desert trail. How may I be of assistance, pony of... hmmm.. f-fine fragrance?"

"Where are you headed, my good sir?" Josho muttered between urges to belch. "If ya don't mind me askin'..."

"Oh crud!" Rainbow's voice echoed in Pilate's head. "It's a dude in a beret! Quick! Talk your way out of this! We'll... uh... find another way to get food!"

"I was just... uhm... passing through... to..." Pilate gnashed his teeth, squirming. "Frontier coordinates... one hundred and seven by twenty-two?"

Red Oats' eyes crossed in confusion.

Josho scratched his neckbeard, squinting. "Ya don't say? Those are some uncreative numbers, fella."

"Erhm..."

"Y'know, I once visited a village of zebras." The unorthodox Enforcer paced over. "I was on tour in the north, and we were protecting the village from local bandits and enemy incursion. We exchanged manafire with Xonans in the nearby swamps. To our luck, we had a lot of help from the locals. Them striped fellas were resourceful, nimble, fast as lightning. But they sure as the Queen's menstrual cycle didn't cloppin' rhyme!" With flashing teeth, he yanked the hood of the blanket off Pilate's head.

Several ponies gasped, their eyes flocking to the sight of the metal plate on the equine's skull. In the bushes, Belle was gnawing on the end of her hooves.

Pilate sighed long and hard, waiting for the murmurs of the staring villagers to subside.

"Sir..." Red Oats stammered, pulling out one of the wanted posters. "That looks.... That looks just like—"

"I ain't blind, ya scrub." Josho levitated the poster up for everypony to see next to Pilate. "Though I can't speak for everypony. Heh." He lurched forward on only half-sober limbs. "Those are some gray eyes you have there, my friend. I don't suppose the sky is any brighter than you where you come from."

Pilate leaned his head towards the soldier and muttered, "Look, I was just hungry and in need of directions. My tale may not have been all that legitimate, but my desire to pass through this town swiftly is."

"Now you see how smart you really are when you're not talking like a livin' nursery rhyme?" Josho squinted at the black-and-white stallion. "So maybe you'd agree that it's an awful lot to chew: what, you having trotted in here all on your own, ramblin' your tongue in circles like you were possessed?"

"It worked pretty well until now, didn't it?"

"What I mean to say, pal, is that it shouldn't have worked at all. At least not on your own." Josho shook the wanted poster, its paper material rustling in the air. "Exactly how does a lone, blind zebra walk hundreds of miles across the countryside without any help?"

Pilate said nothing.

"Hmmm..." Josho scratched his beard. "So now we're given the silent treatment. Y'know, fella, I do have the authority to arrest ya for questionin'. However, I'm not sure that would be very neighborly of me."

Pilate's face twisted. "I beg your pardon?"

"Naw. It'd do nothin but burst that bright, sunny cloud you have floating above your head." Josho shrugged and leaned back. "But, incidentally..." In a flash, his horn strobed. A double-barreled mana-rifle floated free from his unbuttoned uniform, glowing with crystal ammo. He aimed it squarely at Pilate's skull.

Ponies gasped. Belle stifled a shriek.

Josho's eyes twitched, and he smirked. With a twirl, he aimed the gun skyward and fired.

The morning air shook with thunder. Two streams of manashot flew into the atmosphere where they lit up the cloud directly overhead and vaporized it in a blink. A blue pegasus found her platform suddenly missing.

"Gaaaaaaaaah!" With a blood-curdling cry, Rainbow Dash plunged to the earth and smashed through a vendor stand. Wood and scraps of textiles flew across the marketplace. As the dust settled, she sat up—dizzy—with the orb of O.A.S.I.S. cradled awkwardly in her forelimbs. "Unnngh... Did I really just get dragged to the earth by a drunken beardjob?"

"Well, would you look at that!" Josho gestured to the blue pegasus. "A winged pony! And it isn't even Winged Pony Season in Ledomare!" He reloaded the gun, cocked it, and aimed at the zebra and his feathered friend in turn. "Well, now, if this isn't a fine way to crap out a morning?!"

Comments

[Warp]

Aww, Dash was THIS CLOSE to having a swell hoodie of her very own. C'est la vie.

[destinedjagold]

wow, he's good.

[Psyco Josho]

I'm a pretty good shot when I''m drunk, apparently.

[Axan Zenith]

Dangit. He's a crafty one, he is.

Although I must admit, that mana-rifle trick was pretty badass.

[FloydienSlip]

Well, that Uncr3at1ve guy got his wish, in a way.

Also, now would be a good time to create a distraction, Belle.

[Axan Zenith]

Also inb4 the coordinates Pilate spat out is someplace important.

[Ms_Fruit_Bat]

"Gaaaaaaaaah!" With a blood-curdling cry, Rainbow Dash plunged to the earth and smashed through a vendor stand. Wood and scraps of textiles flew across the marketplace. As the dust settled, she sat up—dizzy—with the orb of O.A.S.I.S. cradled awkwardly in her forelimbs. "Unnngh... Did I really just get dragged to the earth by a drunken beardjob?"

"Well, would you look at that!" Josho gestured to the blue pegasus. "A winged pony! And it isn't even Winged Pony Season in Ledomare!" He reloaded the gun, cocked it, and ai
med at the zebra and his feathered friend in turn. "Well, now, if this isn't a fine way to crap out a morning?!"

Oh Dash!

[Pilate]

1909032
Half-sober*

[zaponator]

Belle to the rescue!

[AppleTank]

I'm doomed.

[silvadel]

Wabbit Season

[Pilate]

1909271
My thoughts, as well! The opportunity for a Bugs/Daffy style getaway is lined up perfectly. That said, Josho doesn't have time for that, it seems, far too serious. Belle just needs to get past her inhibitions and learn the kick-flank lessons from Dash's memories.

[Uncr3at1ve]

1909043
I am a chapter title... and a failed diversion, I'm OK with this.

[Aqua Fortis]

Rainbow Dash always dresses in style looks to Lyra for fashion advice is in serious trouble now. It must be Belle's turn to kick some flank.

[Jake The Army Guy]

Uh-oh. So, we have a blind zebra, a hot-headed pegasus, and a unicorn with no magic against a large crowd and a drunken soldier with a gun.

This can only end in awesomeness. No push-ups, ):(, for the awesomeness potential.

[Personifire]

1909463
That first bit sounds an awful lot like a set up for a bad joke.

[Jake The Army Guy]

1909675

"Rainbow, what's wrong? Why the frown?" Belle placed a tender hoof on her shoulder.

Dash sighed. "Well, earlier I crossed the road and walked into a bar, where I screwed in a light bulb, and that's when it hit me."

"What?"

"My whole life is a joke."

[Personifire]

1909722
Belle then turned to her beloved, curious as to his silence. "Why the long face?"

Pilate mumbled his answer, almost embarrassed.

"Hmmmm?"

"I said, I'm a little horse."

[Jake The Army Guy]

1909745
Suddenly, Pilate fell to the ground.
"Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

[Psyco Josho]

I didn't think of this until a short while ago, but like I said about myself, Josho's mind went were others' didn't.

Also, Josho's talking totally mimics my pattern of posts: witty, short, and perceptive.

[Time4Ponies]

Wow. Josho is a really clever drunk.

[Future Regret]

Nice

[Personifire]

1909818
Rainbow finds it quite humorous that the striped equine is so...

Unstable.

[Relevant Heavy Metal]

"Who in the hay is this cat huffer?" Rainbow Dash's voice squeaked.

Well, this is the last place I'd expect to see a reference to Uncyclopedia.

What's Going On Here - Deep Purple

[Jake The Army Guy]

1911108
Belle tutted the pegasus. "Now, now, Rainbow, there's no need to stirrup trouble like that. Just help him up whinny is ready."

[Johnjohns]

Even though he's bad, I like this guy

[MellowMabari]

I like this guy, even if he is currently holding two of our dashing protagonists at gunpoint. Belle needs to save the day by using her special nerd powers.
Or by yelling "Look, a simple distraction!" and chucking stones at everyone from the bushes. And yes Dash, you were just blasted from the sky by a guy who can barely walk straight and who seems to be channeling Grinder in his love for crap and other excrement related exclamations. If you two weren't destined to be mortal enemies, you'd probably be best friends.

[Thunder twister]

1911203

ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

The puns.... They burn my mortal eyes!

[Jake The Army Guy]

1915596
Oh, really? Sorry, dude! Don't worry, I'll put a halter to it.

[Rayvinne]

I find the use of the commentor's names very amusing.
I'd state my opinions about the story, but the puns from the others has made me laugh too much, I am afraid my voice has gotten a bit horse.

[Ledomare]

Damn, and he woulda gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling Enforcer and his dumb dog crazy redneck shooting skills!

1911126
Drats, beat me to the reference! Technically. I posted yesterday but the comment never showed up.
Freakin' Internet.

[Lasairfion]

1913214 The word you are looking for may be frenemy... however it is important to remember the following Maxim:

"The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less."

[That_one_guy]

Clever drunk is scary drunk.

[dashie76]

IIIIIt's Dashie's evaluation time!

So Josho is more dangerous than he looks, I guess. I suppose he must spend so much of his time drink that he's learned to think straight in that state. He's pretty awesome too, shooting Dash straight out of the sky like that. I'm interested to see what goes down next and how Dash will go about beating him. These are my thoughts so far.

-MASH

[CrimsonPhoenix]

For a drunken neckbeard...he's pretty sharp.

[IfOnlyICouldDeactivate]

Well, damn...

That just threw a spanner in the works of everything.....

____________________

Finally getting back into reading this, just haven't gotten around to it in ages. Looking froward for the next crapload of chapters!

Onwards!

[Riverwing]

1909032
You seem to be thinking remarkably clearly for your current state.

[Nevlamas]

Turns out the broken, discarded toy soldier braggin' about how great he once was actually was pretty great and still is!

gnnaz.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/what-a-twist.jpg

But still... one single Enforcer versus Rainbow Dash? That poor fella...

[Tetrominon]

Way to ruin the operation for the sake of a dumb joke, Dash. Ugh.

[Unwitting Brony]

This is the part where Dash grabs the hatchet (and that hoodie that she was diggin- I've heard it's pretty swell) and bolts with Pilate. Hopefully. At least get the hatchet?

[TheAspiringWriter93]

2388522
DAMN YOU AND THAT REFERENCE!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!

You have no idea how many times that story made me bawl my fuckin' eyes out, man. You have no... fucking... clue...

[Doctor.whooves]

2792714 Gary Paulson?

[whizzball1]

Blast, they caught them.

[Neoarcad]

That was stupid impossible.

[Enix]

For a drunk, he's pretty perceptive and skillful. Wonder how much more or less he is when sober?

[JustAnotherTimeLord]

Damn good reference. Damn good name. Damn good everything.

[silverspawn]

they might not want to let Dash make the plans next time

[rainbowrengar]

Day...alot: just missed the last person here by 6 days. Hopefully I am catching up to anyone I reading.
~Rengar out

[Zecoro]

I love how he just so smooth-talkedly rained on their parade despite being tipsy...this was hilarious

But all that out of the way, they better act fast.

[Regidar]

And here starts Atom Heart Mother!

"Well, now, if this isn't a fine way to crap out a morning?!"

fine way to crap out a morning?!"

a morning?!"

morning?!

?!

!

?

?!

ya blew it, skirts