• Published 19th Oct 2012
  • 9,075 Views, 9,536 Comments

Eljunbyro - Imploding Colon

Bellesmith must perform experimental tasks in order to keep herself and her beloved safe.

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Second Amarement

"Ungh! For the love of—nngh—doorstops!" Rainbow Dash winced, sitting up and shaking the stars out of her head as she frowned in the Enforcer's direction. "What's with you Ledomorons?! Were you born ticked off?"

"The best of us die that way." Josho hiccuped, cracked the joints in his neck, and aimed his manarifle at the pegasus' blue forehead. "So, the Council says you're bad news. I've had my fill of bad news in life. Why don't we make this a bit more civil and trot ourselves into the local jail? As much as I'd love to shoot your wings off, cute-hooves, I'm sure the higher-ups would want something leftover that's healthy enough to talk back once they've swooped by to pick you up."

"You couldn't fire that stupid boomstick fast enough to take me out," Rainbow Dash said with a smirk, then yelped as a fresh pothole exploded beneath her spread legs.

"I'm sorry?" Josho grunted as he cocked a fresh crystal into the chamber of the smoking weapon. "I couldn't hear that over the sound of you being owned." He spat a loogey into the earth and squinted warily at her. "You're welcome to try outflying a true Ledomaritan markstallion, darlin', but I doubt your heart will forgive you once it's pumped out half of your blood through your flanks."

"Goddess, what a charmer. The last time a stallion made me swoon that much, I had to pop his jaw back into place."

"Hmmm... as if you're one to swoon for stallions, shortstop."

"Hey!" Rainbow's voice cracked as she nearly shattered the O.A.S.I.S. sphere in her grasp. "What in the flying feather is that supposed to mean?!"

"Only that I've lived long enough and seen enough crap that I can read ponies like a book." The Enforcer's teeth showed in a sneer. "For instance, you're thinking right now of backflipping behind the vendor stand to your left and kicking it towards me as a means of blocking my fire."

"Uhhh..." Rainbow Dash gulped. Sweat poured down her body as she stopped inching towards the structure in question. "Uhm..."

"A winged pony is a winged pony," Josho slurred. "I don't care if it's natural feathers or a Xonan thruster-pack. Hmmph... all punks are the same." He aimed the rifle squarely at her once more. "So are you gonna go dance into your corner with your zebra friend or what?"

"Uhm..." Red Oats murmured, stirring nervously in place.

"Nnngh—What, pipsqueak?!" Josho groaned aside.

"Wasn't... I mean..." Red Oats waved one of many wanted posters around. "Wasn't there three of them?"


"Yaaaaaaugh!" a feminine voice did its dainty mimic of a war-cry. Belle came charging out of the nearby bushes. Shoving two gawking citizens aside, the frail unicorn dove head-long and grabbed two of Enforcer Josho's legs, slapping them and gnawing at the hooves for all she was worth. "Have at you! Grrrrr!"

"Buh?" The neckbearded stallion gazed down at her, blinking. "Did I drink too much whiskey, or am I really being attacked by a narwhal with a fancy braid right now?!"

"Let... my friends... go!" Belle squeaked.

"Beloved?" Pilate murmured into the air, his eyebrow raising curiously. "What on earth are you doing?!"

"Look! It's a simple distraction!" She looked up from where she gripped the soldier's limbs. "Quickly! You and Rainbow Dash run!"

Pilate sighed and shrugged. "Why didn't you just chuck a rock at his head or something?"

"Heh." Josho chuckled. "This lady is full of heart. But that's not what I'd call a distraction."

"Right." Rainbow Dash grinned. "Well, what would you call this?" Her body spun in a prismatic blur, at the end of which she launched the full weight of the O.A.S.I.S. sphere.

Josho looked up, only to have the orb slamming mercilessly into his horn. What happened next was absurdly magical. "Gaaaaaaah!" the stallion shrieked long and hard from an unexpected exchange of energy. Blue bolts of mana converged in the center of him and the conductive object.

A few steps over, Pilate collapsed, wincing in pain as he gripped the flickering plate atop his skull.

"Whoahhhh-ho-ho!" Rainbow Dash grinned wide as the ponies around her gasped in shock. "That's friggin' awesome! Hey Stripsey, who knew your ball could go ballistic on a jerk's head?!"

"Nnnngh—aaaugh!" Josho finished yelping. He literally flew back from the explosive contact, landing hard beside a shivering Red Oats. The mana-ball, in the meantime, fell down into Belle's twitching hooves.

"Ughh..." Pilate reeled, rubbing his skull as he teetered on four legs. He frowned in the direction of Rainbow's chuckling voice. "You crazy harpy! Did you actually throw my sphere at him?!"

"Hey!" Rainbow grinned as she helped Belle up to her hooves. "Would you trust anypony else to toss your balls around?" She winced and patted Belle's frail form. "Well, present company gorgeously excluded..."

"If a single mana-conduit inside O.A.S.I.S. has been singed..." Pilate snarled. "I swear to—"

"Calm down, newspaper print! I took the ugly lame-o out before he could bag us, didn't I?!" Just then, the shop vendor beside Rainbow exploded from gunshot. Belle shrieked and instantly leapt into Rainbow Dash, who collapsed.

"Josho!" Red Oats was heard gasping.

"Grrrrr-haaaaugh! You puppy-kicking trollop!" Josho hissed and spat blood, his horn steaming from base to tip with manafire. "You do not—I repeat—you do NOT smack the horn of a war horse with a hangover!" He pumped the rifle and aimed at the pair or mares. "It's not even noon yet! Carn sarn it—"

"Poopsicles!" Rainbow Dash squeaked and bucked Belle off of her. Belle yelped as the two split apart in a blink. For when the next millisecond had passed—

The entire storefront behind them exploded. Splinters and bits of lumber rained down on the downtown village. Ponies galloped every which way in a panic. Belle looked up from where she lay on the ground with the steaming O.A.S.I.S. in her clutches.

Rainbow Dash was flying in a curved arc, but it was difficult to see her from a distance on account of the air being distorted by constant explosions. The Enforcer was repeatedly aiming and firing at her, only to miss by a few screaming inches. In the meantime, savage holes and tears formed violently in the building faces and structures surrounding the chaotic scene.

"Make like a harlot and die already!" Josho growled, his bloodshot eyes rolling back as he fired a few more rounds, causing a flagpole to bend haphazardly and a wooden bank to implode. "Raaaaugh—For the Queen's sake! Stay still!"

"I'm not spinning!" Rainbow Dash twirled about, courageously dove towards him, and bore an upside-down grin. "You are!" That said, she slapped her hooves against his shoulders, throwing him onto his backside so that his next shot fired into a wagon full of hay, sending straws flying through the air, blanketing the town.

As Josho yelled in frustration—and a certain blue pegasus giggled into the air—Belle crawled over to a trembling Pilate.

"He's gonna destroy the town!" Belle exclaimed.

"I wonder if he's the one we should be worried about!" Pilate shouted as burning manadust flew over their shoulders. He hissed through clenched teeth, gulped, and stammered. "Belle, darling, I'm starting to wonder if we should take an early leave of absence."

"Hold that thought..."


Belle managed a smirk, reaching over across a delapidated vendor as she scooped up several potatoes and what looked like a roughly folded map. "We're not done shopping yet!" She tapped Pilate's shoulder, positioned the O.A.S.I.S. sphere in place, and tugged at him. "Follow me!"

The couple proceeded swiftly to scrounge whatever they could from the ruined downtown, shoveling the contents into the saddlebag on Pilate's flank. Overhead, Rainbow Dash came down from another dive, dodged another blast from the manarifle, and skirted past a series of galloping citizens.

"I got ya now, ya stupid blue fart!" Josho aimed across the village.

"Enough!" Red Oats rushed up, gripping the Enforcer's shoulders. "You're a psycho, Josho! Stop shooting that blasted gun, for Queen's sake!"

"Then tell her to stay still and it'll make all our lives easier!" The old soldier slurred.

"You call this easy?!" Red Oats frowned, gesturing towards the crumbling rubble and mess of the town. "This is four months of paperwork at least!"

Josho's eyes twitched. He took a deep breath, and his hairy ears drooped. "Nnngh... You're right, kid. I... I let myself get carried away. Thanks for sobering me up. I'm surprised at how mad I got—"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaand—" Rainbow Dash chose that moment to swoop by and deposit a bucket full of dirty water over Josho's eyes. "You snooze, you lose, Sir Beardalot!" With a grin, she bucked her hooves against his bucketed skull, producing a resonating clannnnng!

"Mmmmf!" Josho fell head-over-tail in the soiled earth. His hooves mimicked that of a dead cockroach as his obese weight struggled for balance.

"Haahaahaa! Looks like I made a stallion swoon for me after all!" She blew a kiss and flew off after the galloping figures of Belle and Pilate towards the edge of the village. "You're all wet, handsome. Maybe you should have joined the navy!"

"Rainbow Dash!" Belle shouted back. "We got what we need! Let's go already!"

"But I was about to say 'Bon Voyage!'"

"Hoof it or lose it!" Pilate added.

"Ungh... Fine..." Rainbow Dash darted towards the eastern horizon, and it was in good time too.

"Rrrrrrgh!" Josho shot up, growling and waving his rifle in the air. "Come back! I'll give you a new blowhole you... nnngh... friggin' sky dolphin—Gaaah!" He tripped over the bucket and fell flat on his face.

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