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"[FoME] manages the impossible combination of being an actual legitimate nerd while staying unabashedly pleasant." —Aragón


Even the best of friends can have an argument and hold a grudge. And because they're the best of friends, that means that they can express those grudges in a way perfectly designed to bother one another.

In Ponyville, Equestria's capital of friendship and insanity, this is all the more true.

Title aside, almost completely unrelated to The Things Tavi Says.

Content/Trigger Warning: Unspeakable things done to an innocent cup of tea.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 85 )

The monster!

Jaro45 #2 · Jan 16th, 2019 · · 11 ·

Y'all are seriously making an issue about tea. About one of the more vile drinks known to sapience. Really?

Some people take their tea seriously.

Some people take it TOO seriously.

Some of us take it seriously enough to know better than to take it seriously. After all, at least it's not coffee.

I'm proud I was part of the creation of this wonderful little teatime nightmare. :twilightsmile:



her tiny, porcelain witch's cauldron

My friends, it's bits like this that show us why ponyfic is still the place to be in 2019. :eeyup:

Clickbait title. Vinyl didn't actually drink the tea.

(I want to see the alternate ending from Vinyl's point of view, where Octavia doesn't break first and she goes through with putting that abominable concoction in her mouth)

Gohst, I'm sorry, but: Tea is horrible. Tea is the thing you serve when you want people to disagree and leave. Fast.

Heck, even ponies hate tea.

You're right. Coffee is worse. As bad as tea is, Coffee. Is. Worse.

Tea is delicious. Alone, it promotes reflection, in company: conversation. Teas, infusions, tisanes, and decoctions, each with the perfect person and the perfect time to serve it to and at, respectively. Tea is how you pour civilization itself into a cup.

Let somebody who knows their tea take their time - somebody who DOESN'T take it too seriously, and therefore consider you a soul to be saved, rather than a taste to be understood - and you'll find the right blend.

Soounds l ike you might get along with a nice gentle yellow, actually. Or a properly brewed green, not one allowed to die in your he pot and too hot water.

To you and Sundance both, tea Is civilization. And my joking fails before your belief. I apologize for any insult done to tea or yourself.

Thank you for the attempt to save me heathen soul. But, leave me to burn. I was trying to start trouble, and succeeded. Anything that is said or done, I deserve.

Also, the occasional mint or iced tea is my limit. It never appealed, sorry.

Energy drinks and soda for caffeine. Tea for those who appreciate it. But not I. Though the attempt, and consideration is appreciated!

Vinyl really knows how to mess with Tavi

The description references my favorite Skirts story and your comment links to a Kudzu story? I like this comment section, I'm excited to be a part of it!

If Tavi had managed to keep it together through the tea abomination Vinyl should have thrown on some jazz in the background.

Leave it to Vinyl Scratch to stoop to that level of petty - and win.

Also, Equestria's chemical industry is definitely advanced enough to produce Froot Loops, and possibly Monster.

Horrible monsters made of Froot Loops?

To be honest, I always saw Vinyl as more a Hot Chocolate kind of mare.

Vinyl is lucky. I’m pretty sure I know a few tea drinkers that would force her to consume that brew as penance.

As I often say, a friend isn't someone who doesn't piss you off. a friend is someone who is worth forgiving each time.

International Relations: Mutually assured Destruction as seen through the prism of Tea making: A dissertation.

Loved it :)

As someone who is a middle ground tea drinker (has enough taste to recognize bad tea, has teas I like and dislike, and has multiple types of tea for certain occasions, but in no way has the tastebuds to appreciate connoisseur level tea) I was curious as to how bad this was going to get.

At first I read,
Octavia derailed the train of thought out of self-defense. It did nothing to stop Vinyl from punching open the box of the cheapest, most Celestia-forsaken tea Octavia had ever seen with the tip of her horn, extracting a pouch full of those glorified floor sweepings, and plopping it into the empty teacup.

And went, "Meh, if you can't appreciate a good tea, it would be a waste to give you a good tea." (Sadly I don't have a Pony mote to express this.)

Then I read this,
There stood Vinyl, tapping a hoof as she stood in front of the open faucet. After a displeased nicker, she lessened the flow and filled her teacup.

Directly from the tap.

Right onto the tea bag.

And I reacted like this,

And then I read this,

Vinyl was already there, three objects in her field's grip. One was the teacup, which was, to Octavia's silent horror, still boiling. Another was half a lemon left over from two days ago, which Vinyl was all but crushing as she forced its juices into the cup. And the third...

After a few incredulous moments, Octavia realized that it wasn't as bad as it looked. It was, in fact, worse. After all, that glass bottle didn't contain milk. Between the size of the bottle and the richer smell of the liquid as Vinyl poured it, it was clear that she'd just put cream in already lemoned tea.

And my response is,

So...congrats....its possible to make a worse cup of tea. At heart Vinyl only made bad tea worse. She could have taken really good tea and ruined it.

But that is a damn crime scene in a cup and you should feel bad for subjecting Tea to that.

Hah, nice. :D

As a tea drinker (not particularly fancy one, but still), this was full of shudders and cringe. Nasty things indeed!

After reading this I saw this, and I can't help but wonder if there's a potential connection to be made, given that Vinyl fanonically always does the dishes.

That is how Vinyl prefers to wake up, yes. :raritywink:

9406162 9406218
Speaking as a coffee drinker who grinds single-origin beans and uses a French press rather than speak the glossolalia of Starbucks and sup on their overroasted teat, I'm going to let that slide.

It was an honor to receive your wisdom on what not to do. :twilightsmile: No doubt Dotted Line felt a disturbance in the tea all the way from Canterlot.

Dude, she's still going to drink a Monster. That's pretty nasty in and of itself.

(Also, as demonstrated in the story, Vinyl would be very hard-pressed to actually drink that stuff. Chew it, maybe. Slice it, possibly. But drink?)

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your frenemies closest of all.

Pettiness is the birthright of every unicorn, right up there with the telekinesis and the pubescent megalomania.

Froot Loop golems generally crop up at the Sparkle/Glimmer breakfast table, not this one.

Also, I hadn't even considered hot chocolate. IT could certainly work, but I liked the contrast of each roommate being vaguely disgusted by the other's choice in caffeine, and who can turn up their nose at cocoa? (You know, toher than people with chocolate allergies.)

Quite so. Few people can anger you quite like a friend.

A strange game. The only winning move is not to brew.

Thanks for sharing your journey into horror. Wonderful to see the escalation worked as intended.

At heart Vinyl only made bad tea worse. She could have taken really good tea and ruined it.

she only wanted to bother Octavia, not drive her into a battle frenzy.

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Wonderful to see this worked for both ends of the tea drinker spectrum.

"Look, it's simple. If you don't arrange the silverware just right, they don't resonate with the bass properly, and the whole dishwasher breaks apart."
"Couldn't you just build a more robust dishwasher?"
"Yeah, but that's not the point."
"You unicorns, I swear..."

Vinyl makes tes the same way I do!

I just throw a tea bag into a Mr Coffee machine.


Cream instead of milk in tea is fine. (So long as you don't try to reheat a cold mug in the microwave)
Lemon in tea is fine.

Both cream and lemon in tea is ridiculous. It'll curdle into globs immediately.



Or get something like the Ninja Hot and Cold system. They finally marked it down and it seems to live up to the hype. I was wise to wait a few months after Black Friday. Though the instructions are a bit liberal. Saying to use 5 or 6 teabags for a carafe this size is wasteful. Using a kettle, 2 bags and steeped a few minutes longer would be just as good.

I think that was the point...

Possibly the only thing Vinyl could have done that might have been worse would be if she took 4C iced tea mix and boiled that... but then she wouldn't have been able to stretch out Tavi's agony.

As a tea drinker... Vinyl... yeah, stick to energy drinks, please.

This was amazingly horrifying, and I don't even drink tea.

That moment when Vinal added lemon to tea with cream in it, I had a reaction: Bleh!

I'm rather proud of the small part I played in this piece, and the Eldritch Abomination unflinchingly described therein.

That was a cruel, cruel thing Vinyl did, and in full view of an innocent bystander no less. The only possible saving grace is that it was awful floor sweepings to start with; although the sight and presence of such rubbish in her house might even have offended poor Octavia more.

So excellent job all told FoME. That said, I wouldn't mind a chapter where these same events are outlined in first person from Vinyl's point of view...

This is one of the best Vinyl and Octavia stories I have read, I really liked it!

This was absolutely delightful.


If I didn’t drink tea I’d almost certainly be an alcoholic, only lapsang souchong and Islay scotch whisky give me the smokey flavours I need to remain the peaceable entity that I am.

I'm so glad she didn't drink it. I was feeling ill enough already. XD

What about triple brew? Coffee that's been brewed down three times?

Fun little story. And a little too close to my own tea making methods to make me entirely comfortable (although I at least don't mix cream with lemon).

as a tea lover myself, you're a bastard...a magnificent bastard, but a bastard nonetheless

It is in essence a big ol cup of condensed espresso, especially when you use espresso as the initial base brew, quite good amd will wake you up on the double. Take that and then slowly dip a biscuit or a doughnut in it to really bug tavi lol


You know what's funny? I'm British and can't stand tea anyway (yes, I know, I am a freak of nature, blame my hypersenses) and yet this... this was legitimately hard to read. Something deep within my DNA simply rebelled and reviled at what was done to an innocent drink.

I'm not sure what it was. Maybe some deep-seated Britishness that could even overcome my distaste; maybe an aversion to any consumable being ruined, even one I don't like because I can imagine it being done to something I do; maybe just the sheer malice with which Vinyl tortured something to death that had done nothing to deserve it.

Whatever the case, this definitely roused some... feelings within me and I applaud it for that.

Also, I can't help but be reminded of SecretAgentPlotTwist's You can't do THAT with a cup of tea!, which is definitely a good thing.

I like my coffee the way I like my slaves...


Innocent? INNOCENT?? You dare speak of innocent?? Nothing here is sacred, tea is no exception!
Even Princess Celestia Hates Tea!

9408250 I like coffee the way I like my Slavs. Concentrated.

(Now THAT'S how you do EVIL, amateurs!)


Alondro strolls into the kitchen, "Ahhhhhh, time for a nice cup of tea!"

Alondro rips open several 10-year old Tetley tea bags which he found under the cabinet... and I mean UNDER the cabinet where'd they'd fallen after being used..., "Eh, if I use all of em, there's enough flavor left!"... and dumps their contents into a furiously boiling pot of milk, which has begun to congeal into curds. After forgetting about it for half an hour, he dumps the muddy, lumpy concoction into an ice-cold mug and then proceeds to drizzle high-fructose corn syrup into it.

"Deeeee-licious!" he comments takes a long swig.. and promptly dies.


9406708 It's really cool when that happens!

You get those nice little chewy bits as you drink!

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