• Member Since 17th Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen April 19th

Hasty Revision


Critique of any kind is always welcome.

E

Updated description and image generously provided by: Tranquil Serenity


Friendship is a recent addition to Trixie's life, which means there is much about it she has yet to experience. With Hearth's Warming just around the corner, the talented stage-pony is resolved to accept Starlight's offer to spend the celebration with her, once this invitation inevitably comes her way.

After all, being the good friends they are, there's no way The Great and Powerful Trixie wouldn't be invited. And Trixie is altogether above begging, at least that much is certain.


Piggybacks off of the Season 6 episode "A Hearth's Warming Tail". Loosely tied into my previous story "Dance, puppets, dance!" but neither one requires the other, and could theoretically fit in either order.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 35 )

Aw... Trixie! Mare up and ask! It's not like it could get any worse, right?

Anyway, nice little story going on here. Let's see how Trixie handles it from here.

8633221
Ah, if only such things were that easy for everyone, no?

Thank you for reading and for your feedback. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.

Yeah, because fire always makes things better...

8640519
Well, not always. But often. When you think about it, that's basically the fundamental theory of cooking.

These mares are two very loveable idiots.

8655237
Glad to hear I'm getting things into the right ballpark on that front. Thanks for reading!

A very cute, worthwhile story! I liked how both Trixie and Starlight were handled and all the awkwardness of two ponies with stunted social experience. These two still have a ways to go but it's little steps like these that gets them to journey's end.

Thanks for it!

Well, Twilight does have ponies that are more powerful than her. Starlight and Starswirl.

You know, that's the funny thing. It doesn't say anywhere that Alicorns are always more powerful than unicorns. I checked every official source of MLP. The only ones who actually assume that are fans. Meaning it is not necessarily true.

Luna and Celestia are understandably more powerful because they've had who knows how many centuries to build up their power.

That's actually how I see it. It's not that alicorns are automatically more powerful. They just get a lot more time to build up their power. They got time on their side.

But of course, this is Trixie's pov, so it's understandable that she has the wrong idea.

8669238
Well, in truth I meant unmatched combined. When Twilight held all of it at once she was able to hold her own one-on-one against Tirek after he drained what had to be a not insignificant percentage of Equestria. I might edit that to make it clearer.

Thanks for reading and for the helpful feedback.

8669213
I'm glad you enjoyed it. A theme of the series I've noticed is the understanding that nopony ever truly gets rid of their faults, they just learn how to manage them. That's what I was hoping to illustrate in this story. Trixie is always going to be a little self-centered, leap before she looks, and say things that she really probably shouldn't. It's a matter of being self aware enough to catch herself before she hurts anyone. ...Or learning to apologize afterward and help clean up the mess. She and Starlight both have room to grow on those fronts.

Thanks again for reading!

8669262
That's the thing. For all we know, out of all that power Twilight got from the other alicorns, hers might only make up a very, very, very small part of it. Like only 1 % of it, or even less.

I really wish they's establish how old the Sisters actually are....

And seeing as Tirek missed out on Starswirl's Power (Limbo) and Starlight's power (A single pony out in the middle of nowhere with all the other ponies having their magic suppressed. The fact the Cutie marks and their power were still there shows that Tirek never traveled out there)...



Hmm. If you think about it, you can't really trust any ponies thoughts on the matter. They were so used to having only the one alicorn, Celestia, for centuries, who is extremely powerful thanks to centuries, if nother millenia of being alive. They would just assume the others are the same, because they only have Celestia for reference.

8669375
When it comes to power magnitude we can only make guesses which then get complicated when you try to account for circumstance, skill, and whatever rock/paper/scissors effects might possibly be involved. Then the whole "strengthened by emotions" thing...

It's probably safe to assume though that the average pony thinks of an alicorn as being at the top of ponykind simply by virtue of it being a status that has to be earned and, as you said, by looking at Celestia. The laypony might well not be any better informed about the details than a viewer of the show. They just know alicorns are in some way stronger, even if it's just because they can do more than just one kind of magic by virtue of having wings and horns. Plus, like Spike said, most unicorns only bother with a few spells related to their talent. Pegasai seem to treat and use theirs like physical exercise and I'm not sure what, if anything, has really been said about earth pony magic beyond "strength" and vague implications of farming prowess. Not sure they've ever addressed how Spike's magic works and I get the idea that nopony has the slightest idea about Discord's.

End of the day, the nature and strengths of magic just aren't the main point of the show so fan writers just have to kind of muddle through on their own best instinct.

8669375 The other thing to remember is that just because Tirek had their power, it doesn't mean he was using it with the same level of efficiency as Twilight was. Twilight was willingly given power by her fellow alicorns and was shown as able to use their special talents. Tirek forcibly ripped magic from a bunch of species very different from him, and it looks like most of the magic was converted into physically enhancing him, rather than actually enhancing his magical power. He also doesn't seem to have use of say, Discord's powers, just using a few basic magical blasts and effects.

It's quite possible the magic Tirek absorbed converted into like 1% magical power for him, while Twilight's absorbed magic from the other alicorns could be almost 100%.

The Huggy and Nuzzly Trixie it is!

8675925
Yeah. Imagine if Tirek had been able to do things like teleport and Discord's reality bending abilities. Twilight would have been screwed. All he would have had to do is snap his fingers and bye bye horn and wings. Heck, if he had full control of Discords powers, he could have just snapped his fingers and taken the alicorn magic that way.


I wonder if the sisters and The Mane 6 ever realize just how lucky they are that Discord never takes anything seriously.

This is a great Trixie story -- you have her voice and style of thinking down very nicely, subtly sarcastic while staying clear of the tar-pit of self-pity. Starlight is well-done as well, as the awkward reformed villain finding her way around as Twilight's student. Overall the pacing is good, except for Chapter 3, which you could easily fix by rearranging things a bit. It has emotional moments without getting sappy, and great throwaway lines and humorous touches to keep it from becoming maudlin. Nice job!

Some specific notes on individual chapters.

- Chapter 1: this is a nice setup -- Trixie as the reluctantly responsible parolee, while trying to keep her past concealed from Starlight. You nicely present the distinction between what Trixie _says_ and what she really _thinks_. And having her discover from the police ponies that Twilight has intervened on her behalf as Starlight's friend is a cool follow-on from No Second Prances. I also like that you start off making it seem as if Trixie is planning something selfish, and later it's revealed to be something nice.

- Chapter 2: the interaction between Trixie and Starlight here is well done, though it's a minor weakness that Starlight only notices Trixie was cold until they're almost done, especially when she could have applied the warming spell at any time. But I wouldn't hold that against the story. (Maybe it would help to borrow the line from Chapter 3 where Trixie notes Starlight's difficulty with social cues, to provide a justification.)

The reveal that Starlight isn't into HWE, and thus Trixie's plans are blown out of the water, is well-handled, and the ending is very touching!

- Chapter 3: okay, this chapter is the only weak one here. It has some nice points, which I'll call out, but basically it's all internal monologue and nothing happens, and it seriously throws the brakes on the good flow you've built up over the first two chapters. It would better to drop this chapter entirely and work some of the good material here into chapters with action and dialogue.

Nopony ever appreciated the blatant superiority of my version, though. Not 'traditional' enough.

- a great Trixie remark; I'd want to keep the carol and her reaction to it just for this

she was Little Miss Friendship's student

- and this -- it shows Trixie still has her own opinion about Twilight, no matter what Twilight might have said or done for her

She got angry. She missed obvious social cues that even I got. Her first instinct was to use magic to solve absolutely every problem, no matter how small.

- you could work this into Chapter 2 as an explanation for Starlight not noticing Trixie
was cold

Unfortunately, I didn't have one of the trick boxes on hoof and that one really required an assistant.

- Which brings up the question -- why doesn't Starlight ask if Trixie needs her to be her assistant again? You could work this in as Starlight offering, and Trixie pretending not to be working on her act at the moment. Then her original plan is shot to pieces, and she can't reveal that she lied, leaving her forced back on her own resources, rather than admit she lied.

Maybe if I set them on fire...

- Good Trixie line! That's a keeper!


- Chapter 4: This is good, it picks up the action, continues the Starlight/Trixie interaction, and shows both Starlight's change of heart and Trixie's reaction well. It needs a *little* reorganization to really work well, see below.

While it was covered in plans for making explosive rope, because that wouldn't look at all incriminating.
...
Was I in trouble for something? I hadn't even done anything yet.

- Excellent Trixie-paranoia lines, adds just the right touch of humor!

“They sang at you, didn't they.”

- Ouch. Perfect. Got it in one.

Hearth's Warming wasn't so bad, really...

- I do see the point of this scene, I'm just not sure it works well: the sudden change in POV is jarring and for the first few sentences it's not really clear that it's Starlight and not Trixie. A possibility: maybe put this at the *start* of the chapter, and call out Starlight somehow early on so the change of POV works, and then you can still have Starlight show up at Trixie's wagon afterward, and the shift back to Trixie's POV at the scene change would work better. This also would allow you to work in the delay while Starlight's perception of HWE is changed so it falls in the break between chapters (so you don't need Chapter 3 creating a narrative delay).

“You forgot your scarf.”
...There are times when I really hate myself.

- This is a good MLP-style ending to the chapter!

- Chapter 5: I like the walk to the castle, and the interaction between Starlight and Trixie, which allows them both to shine. There's lots of wonderful throwaway lines in the party scene (pickle cupcakes!) And Trixie's surprise when she talks with Fluttershy is a great "wait, what?" moment.

With every clop of our hooves on the hard-packed dirt my anxiety rose higher. The castle. Twilight's castle. Castle of one of the four alicorn princesses of Equestria, who held political and magical power unmatched by anyone other than Discord. Well, on the magical front, anyway. I don't think Discord dabbles in politics. Although, honestly, there were some cities where I'm not sure anypony would notice the difference if he did.

- Grin. I like how this paragraph builds up, sentence by sentence. And it's a good external perspective on Twilight and the other Princesses as Powers in the Realm, given how used to them we are from seeing them as friends in the show.

“No, I mean it!” She stomped her hoof on the crystal step with a snow muffled clop. “You're my friend and I'm not going to have you left out.”

- I like this scene -- it helps bring out how Starlight bridges the gap between Twilight and Trixie, being the reformed villain on the inside, who defends her friend who's still on the outside.

- Chapter 6: This is an excellent way of winding things up, and it's great that you give it the emotional whammy in the middle, rather than just tying things up neatly. The idea of Trixie making it possible for Starlight to "regift" her back is a good one.

...But, on the other hoof, Starlight Glimmer.

- A great callback to this line earlier on, and a nice way to provide closure for the story as a whole.
(Just a tiny suggestion here: you really don't need the "spoiler gap" between paragraphs -- the reader won't jump ahead, and it winds up looking like you accidentally hit Enter a few too many times.)

I know you may have moved on from this, but I liked reading it, and hopefully the feedback helps! :twilightsmile:

9117858
Oh my- August!? How did I miss this comment!? It's full of wonderful, constructive, detailed feedback and I missed it! I am so sorry I didn't notice this until now after you took the time to provide such excellent feedback. I really can't thank you enough because it's exactly the sort of critique I've been hoping for since I started posting here. And I only noticed it because I felt like rereading some of my older stories on a whim.

I find myself agreeing with all the points of improvement you've laid out and I'm definitely going to draft a new version with them in mind. I'm not sure if I'll post it though. I mean, this story has been up for so long that I'd hate to make such dramatic changes out of the blue. Maybe I could post a bonus chapter with the new version all in one go? Regardless, I'll write it for myself if for nobody else.

...Just as soon as I go over the comments on all my other stories to see if I've criminally missed any other precious gems.

Thank you again for reading and for the thoughtful feedback. Sorry again for taking so long to notice it!

9305267
Hey, no worries! This is the kind of story I wish we'd see more of on the site, so good job, and I'm glad my suggestions are helpful to you! Happy Thanksgiving! :twilightsmile:

9305313
Extremely helpful. I'd been having trouble focusing on anything for weeks and I've just spent the last hour writing and editing. Thank you so much!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I brought out the stage voice. Starlight liked my stage voice.

That line was cute. :twilightsmile:


"I actually rather liked this one. You write Trixie really well, and..." *realizes this is a multiple chapters story and not a one-shot* "Um... hold on a second, I appear to have missed a passage or two..." :twilightsheepish:

Lazy slackers the lot of them.

I said in a voice that was most definitely not a whine

Double LOL. :rainbowlaugh:

Me, alone in my wagon, crying into my pillow.

It always seemed to come back to that.

Aww, poor Twixie. :fluttershysad:

...and it clearly would flow better if the line was 'Hearth's Warming Eve is here once more'. 'Once again' was one syllable too long and made the end of the line feel rushed.

"I know that feel, bro." :fluttershyouch:

I mean, Starswirl had bells on his hat.

*stifled snicker* :twilightsheepish:

“Oh come on you stupid-!”

“Uh-”

“Not you!

:derpytongue2:

Oh! Oh, it was really no trouble. I mean, I was terrified the whole time and I thought for certain you were going to catch me but, um, it wasn't that bad.

Haha! :rainbowlaugh: That's Fluttershy alright. :twilightsmile:

The title of chapter 5: How to make friends and influence ponies under minor duress.

I have a friend who read that book! *Imagines myself as instantly perceived as a more refined and cultured an individual* :moustache:

“It wasn't that bad,” I said. “It was pretty funny when all those brooms fell on you.”

Starlight: :ajbemused:


That ending. :pinkiesad2: Awwwww! :twilightsmile: Okay, that's gotta be like... the best Trixie and Starlight friendship story ever. Very well-written, engaging, and sweet. Not to mention all the delightful, on-point bits of humor throughout. :pinkiehappy:

Your Trixie is really likeable, actually. And you incorporated a bunch of these little details about her memory of episode events from her point of view, many of which would be easy to overlook or forget when you're taking things in from simply an audience perspective. :trixieshiftright:

This story is easily, crazily underrated. :twilightoops: Terrific work! 👍

9680681
Thank you for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I actually started working on an overhaul of this one a while back following some very detailed critique I was given in the comments of Chapter 1. I got distracted by other projects but I take a stab at it from time to time, but I never quite decided if I'd ever post it or how.

Yes, this is my jam.

I did notice, however, that you are somewhat allergic to commas after introductory phrases and in compound sentences.

The first-person did throw me off a bit last chapter, but man is it growing on me.

9683666
Thank you for reading. Yes, I confess that I have issues when it comes to commas. It's something I'm working on.

I really appreciate the name Little Miss Friendship.

Something thoughtful and meaningful.

“You forgot your scarf.”




...There are times when I really hate myself.

Yes. This is my jam

This was wonderful. Trixie's first-person voice was excellent. You did a great job with Starlight and Trixie's relationship. I really enjoyed this, grammatical flubs I mentioned in Chapter 1 notwithstanding.

9683742
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for all the feedback. I'm especially glad to hear that Trixie's voice worked in first-person. I debated a lot about going first or third back when I wrote this. I'll keep working on my grammar issues.

...There are times when I really hate myself.

Don’t cut yourself short, Trix :rainbowlaugh:

Fire does always make things better. Maybe not in the long term, but definitely in the short term. Alright, in the short short term.

“Oh, they hate everypony who tries to enslave them at first. They get over it.” Starlight's smile was a little nervous. “Mostly.”

Starlight indeed knows what she's talking about.

The awkwardness between Trixie and Starlight was really well handled, as was Trixie meeting (and avoiding) everyone at the party. Nicely done :)

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