• Member Since 16th Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen Saturday

Hasty Revision


Trying to improve my grammar and sentence structures. Critique of any kind is always welcome.

Sequels1

E

During the first conflict with Discord after his 1,000 year imprisonment, each of the ponies who wield the Elements of Harmony were forced to match wits with the Master of Chaos. All of them found that they were sorely out of their depth.

Except, perhaps, for one.

After Discord is imprisoned, Celestia takes each of the ponies aside to hear their stories. Fluttershy is the last one called and is a little nervous about the meeting. With a little encouragement from a friend, she is able to join the Princess for a cup of tea and describe her encounter with Discord. It might prove to be a rather fateful discussion.

--

Planned as the first in a series of related short stories based on Fluttershy as she shares tea with Discord and possibly one or two others.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 63 )

Shouldn't the title be Royal Tea?

A nice introspective piece to outline just what may have happened to explain later events in the series. Very nicely done.

8672008 I expect it's a pun on the word 'royalty' since Celestia is royalty and likes tea very much. After all, it features heavily in this story too.

8672015
Thanks for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It seemed like a reasonable explanation for what happened later on.


8672008
This is just the first of many tea puns if we go down this path.

Discord cheated with Fluttershy -- she was the only pony who didn't lose in his games.

I wonder if Fluttershy did feel pain, stinging, or perhaps a magic impulse when Discord touched her head.

There is a fanfic where it's revealed that the place he touched her was imbued with a spell, though it takes a while to discover the source.

Congrats on being featured, this was very good.

You have a very good story here, and I'm looking forward to more. I had some sporadic anxiety attacks when I was younger, so I can very much relate to Fluttershy when she talked about how outgoing people just don't 'get it'.

I like it. I especially like the beginning section on shyness. As an introvert myself (though I've gotten better at hiding it when needed), I can identify with Fluttershy here to an extent.

8673264
Wait, this got featured? I... honestly did not expect that. Thanks for reading.

8673691
I'm glad that came across well. Naturally, I've had much more trouble articulating that subject face-to-face when I've run into issues with it. Easier to put into words in a story, I think.

Thanks for reading.

8673842
I'll admit I drew from my own experience with introversion when I wrote that section. I wasn't sure how universal any of those sorts of feelings were but they felt right for Fluttershy. I've found myself identifying with her more than once throughout the show's run.

Thanks for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

This is a strange example of a story that perhaps does one thing a little too well. The bit at the start regarding introversion really did shine and was very relatable, at least to me, but after I read the story I wasn't sure what the point was or how the (admittedly good) expounding of what introversion is like really was needed aside from just setting up that Fluttershy was nervous about meeting Celestia, and while that part, as I stress, was very good, the rest of the story just seemed like a sequence of events that just sorta happened. Less a story and more a chronological report with a little flavor added. I'm not entirely sure what the whole of the story was trying to convey.

8674003
You make a very interesting point I hadn't really considered when writing it. It may be an artifact of the fact that it was, in its earliest drafts, less of a one-shot and more of a "Chapter 1". The first section was meant to establish the sort of mindset and viewpoint I was writing Fluttershy from, not just her nerves about Celestia. Overall I suppose I was just trying to get into the head of the character and, in the second section, to establish a starting point for later events. In that regard, perhaps this story doesn't stand so well on its own as I'd hoped and I've made a mistake in releasing it that way. I'd planned to have this be the first in a series of semi-independent short stories but I might be rethinking the release strategy as you do raise what I feel is some very valid critique. It's definitely something I'll be bearing in mind going forward. This one will probably stay a one-shot as I've already marked it complete and all but future installments might still benefit.

All that being said, I'm glad you thought the first part was good. I've gotten some positive responses on it which is really nice to see (if a little surprising). Thank you for taking the time to read it and to provide such helpful feedback. I really do appreciate it.

Another very nice and interesting character piece. I love the intro, it's rare that you get to see a self-evaluation of Fluttershy like that (usually because she's too shy to give one) and it's right on the nose.
...*flutterboops*
Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, it's a very interesting topic for a story as well. I don't think many people really thought much about Celestia's reasoning for trying to reform Discord like this (I know I didn't), taking it either as more chessmastering, premonition or a flight of fancy from her. This makes a lot of sense, though, and fits the characters a lot better. Fluttershy really got too little credit for nearly foiling the Master of Chaos, not that she'd mind that.

8672091
All the tea puns! Though now I expect Discord to end up subverting them somehow.

I am officially accepting this story as canon to the reason why Celestia chose Fluttershy to redeem Discord.

8674978 It was a logical choice, given that she was the only one completely impervious to his temptations.

Now, one could add another question: since Fluttershy was converted forcefully, why didn't her Element automatically purge her since she didn't make the choice of her own volition?

Man, the EoH are the worst Deus Ex Machinas ever! No Autocorrect function! So lame! :rainbowlaugh:

8675506
Their only Autocorrect function was when they rid Luna of the Nightmare.

8675543 And it took six ponies to pull it off! Stupid Deus Ex Machina not solving all the problems instantly.

8674566
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Self-reflection and evaluation was one of the first things that came to mind when I started writing her. In my personal experience that sort of social anxiety and shyness comes with a lot of self-evaluation, most of it critical.

As for Celestia's choice, it struck me as logical right off the bat. Not only had she already had the most success in coping with him, she was also the sort of pony who'd actually give him a fair chance regardless. That's something I plan to get into in future stories as I feel there are other aspects to her character that factor in well.

8674219
No problem. One of the advantages of writing is that good ideas can be salvaged and retooled into other things. I think what really would bring a story like this together is figuring out how getting into Fluttershy's headspace services the questions being asked by the story or the statements being made by it. You established that Fluttershy was nervous very well, and then proceeded to established that Celestia interviewed her about her experiences in Discord's maze, but there wasn't really a link between the two, nor did it seem that the interview itself serviced a greater idea on a meta-narrative level, and it wasn't nearly as thorough as the first section, so thus couldn't really serve as a character study.

A relatively simple example of what I think serves as a solid meta-narrative for it all would go something akin to 'Fluttershy is a very nervous pony, which is illustrated. This nervousness serves as either the catalyst for a series of events, or becomes a personal journey for her to overcome, or serves to help create a mental image of her for the reader which clarifies her actions and state of mind. Finally, Fluttershy comes to a greater understanding about herself, or goes through a transformation, achieving a different state for herself or others.' This is a pretty common mindset in story-writing, but when you break down basic ideas in any art form, ideas become more common the more basic they are.

8676209
Seeing you lay things out like that makes me realize that I've never really thought about that sort of thing before while I'm writing. Most of the time an idea for a scene just comes to me and I sit down and start typing without any sort of real plan. With that in mind, this will probably be a mistake I make many more times since fixing it requires a level of planning and forethought I've never attempted and I don't know where to start. As it stands I'll just try to keep your feedback in mind while I'm editing to see if I can't mitigate it until I get to that point.

8676311
I haven't really written in a long time, but to be honest I was much the same way. I would have an idea for a scene I thought was cool, and my thought process would be 'how do I get my characters there?' I realized later that this wasn't really a wrong though process, I just needed to back up my perspective a little, and also ask why they were going there in the first place. Digging deep into meta-narrative is useful for picking apart a story more than constructing one, in my experience. Really, keeping to simple questions like 'What does my character want?', 'What method would they use to get it?', and 'Why do they want it?', things like that help tremendously.

Friends who will accept that the shy pony needs to just be allowed . Accepted, shyness and all.

There's an extra space between "allowed" and the first period.

As for the story itself, it's not bad, although without any real conflict it's really more of a scene than a story.

I'll reflect what others are saying in that this feels incomplete in some way; the opening bit about introversion does feel a bit disconnected from the rest of the story, but given that it was originally part of a larger story, that's not surprising, and I don't think it hurts it very much.

It shows fairly effectively, I think, Fluttershy's overall mindset going into Return of Harmony. Personally, I don't feel her personality or attitude makes her weak or helpless, or is indicative of a flaw, but this is her story and not mine, and this feels like an accurate representation of her opinion of herself at that point in the series.


Curiously, this story has put the thought in my head that maybe Discord is an introvert, and that's part of why Fluttershy was able to connect with him the way she did, and why eventually Twilight was able to as well. Think about it: We don't see him around crowds often at all, we only rarely see him interacting with more than a few others at a time, when he is interacting with others (especially if they aren't Fluttershy) he seems to very quickly reach a point where he can't get away from them fast enough, and even though he did visit chaos upon basically all of Equestria, he's never shown doing it for an audience. Hm.

I think I need to reevaluate a few things.

Congratulations on making it to the Feature Box (and for making it to second place in the SFW Feature Box). You have officially achieved Minor Horse Fame™. :coolphoto:

...took me over three years to manage that on this site, friggin prodigy rookies, grumble mumble :trixieshiftleft:

I appreciate your portrayal of how Fluttershy's introversion meshes with others.
It's not something I see enough of, so thank you. Also a masterful weave through canon so /)

This has got me hook, line, and sinker. Now I wanna see what you pull with Celestia. Nice start my dude!

Everyone else says this feels incomplete, but I know it's incomplete because it's planned as a series. I'd say marking this as "incomplete" and adding more chapters.
-------

just too much!Why

Space between sentences

reallydoes

toscoop

Space between words

sized for more ordinary ponies but no less luxuriant for it, sat

I'd put a comma between "ponies" and "but", but I don't think that it's required...
Weird, I don't think I've seen many opportunities for double appositive phrases before.

But, what did you mean?

Delete the comma

forehoof to crown of my head.

to the crown of my head (???)

Slowly though a tiny smile

Slowly though, a tiny

compared to Discord I cannot

Discord, I cannot

8676884
Sorry. I honestly don't know how this happened.

8677068
No matter how many times I look there's always something that slips by. Thank you for noting all of these for me. I'll go through and fix them this evening. Thanks for reading!

8676836
Thank you for the feedback. I'm really glad people have pointed out this problem to me. I'm not sure I'd have noticed it on my own. It's exactly the kind of helpful feedback I was hoping for.

As for Discord... I hope to be getting into him in future stories. I feel like there's a lot to be said about him.

8677057
I'm glad you liked it. I enjoy writing these sorts of short stories that fit into the gaps of established canon to fill it out. The unspoken implications left behind are like puzzles to be solved. It's fun to figure out exactly how the blank should be filled in a way that (hopefully) fits not only the demands of the plot but also the traits of the characters.

I really like that first sentence. Says quite a bit very concisely. And I think you did what you were trying to do fairly well here, though I kinda wish this actually was a first chapter instead of a stand-alone story.

Anyway, a couple of stylistic gripes:

“Would you like me to go in with you?” I shook my head.

This is a little wonky. Usually, if there's no dialogue tag, putting a character's action after dialogue implies that that character's the one speaking. So here, context implies that Twilight's speaking, but that action afterwards makes it sound like Fluttershy's speaking.

There are also times when you slip into long sections of only dialogue, which isn't automatically a bad thing, but it doesn't make for a very dynamic scene. Admittedly, I can kinda see why you would do it that way, since the characters in question are simply sitting together and drinking tea, it's just a little weird to me to have the first section give so much insight into how Fluttershy thinks and then toss most of that out in the second part by almost entirely emphasizing what she does.

Not a serious gripe, by any means. But it bugged me as I was reading it, so I thought I'd mention it. You did do a good job with this one, though. Thanks for writing it :twilightsmile:

8677071
Hey, be proud of it. I'm looking forward to seeing how far you'll come. :pinkiesmile:

:trollestia: and that's how I tamed Discord and saved Equestria
:twilightoops: But Fluttershy's expecting!
:trollestia: WHAT?
:raritystarry: It's true! We were at the spa prattling on about our respective dates!
:moustache: Fluttershy was aggressive, It's always the shy ones!
:duck: Yes, very!
:facehoof: We're all doomed!
:trollestia: time for plan B
:twilightsheepish: Oh great! what's plan B
:trollestia: RUN! :twilightoops::raritystarry::pinkiegasp::rainbowhuh::ajbemused:
:flutterrage: YOU DID THIS TO ME! Suffer my wrath! If it's okay with you It's the hormones

orig00.deviantart.net/d42d/f/2017/208/e/f/scootmatize_chaos_by_hillbe-dbhw2rm.jpg

8677239
It was originally planned at a first chapter and became a first installment later for a couple of reasons. First, I tried doing a multi-chapter story and I found the background worry about not updating it to be stressful. Second, each scene I've thought of doesn't really fit together into being a singular story. Chapters would have large time skips between them and not have a lot of do with each other so I changed to planning a series of short stories.

Also, I see what you mean about that line. I'll think about how to adjust that. The disconnect between the first and second halves is definitely something I've gotten a lot of useful feedback on that I'm hoping to take on-board for future installments. Thank you for reading and thanks for the helpful feedback.

8678015

It was originally planned at a first chapter and became a first installment later for a couple of reasons. First, I tried doing a multi-chapter story and I found the background worry about not updating it to be stressful. Second, each scene I've thought of doesn't really fit together into being a singular story. Chapters would have large time skips between them and not have a lot of do with each other so I changed to planning a series of short stories.

Might I recommend presenting it as an anthology? It may not be the nicest thing to have an "Incomplete" story in your library, but it will be much nicer for later readers who want to start from the beginning, especially if you are planning to do a lot of sequels. There are plenty of anthology-style, just-characters-talking stories that are basically just collections of unrelated or marginally related scenes, and they usually do quite well. There may be a little pressure to get it "Complete," but most people would understand that it's the kind of story you just update as you see fit. If the individual chapters are more or less independent, you wouldn't have to be worried about leaving readers on a cliffhanger or anything.

This is so good. If I were you I would look through a bunch of groups and find ones you like or are interested in, or that fit what you write, and join them. Then you can add your stories as they fit.

I've taken the liberty to add it to a few groups I'm part of.

OooooOOoOOoOOh! This looks fun. I look forward to any future developments! This intrigues me.

8678419
That's a good idea. If it hadn't gotten so... noticed I might have done that. But now so many people have read it as a stand alone story and I've gotten notices about people adding to to bookshelves called things like "complete" or "one-shots" so I hesitate to change something like that now. Plus, if I was to put everything into this story I'd want to change the title and the picture and the description and with so many people having read it... I think maybe I'll apply everything I've learned to the sequel and make that the big anthology of all the future stories. Thanks for the suggestion and for reading.

8678458
Well. That's bookmarked now. Thanks for reading and for the link.

8679482
Thank you. I'm finding it hard to add things to groups. If the Fluttershy group hadn't been so completely clear about being anything and everything Fluttershy (at least, I think it was. I'm worrying about that now looking back) I'd never have been able to bring myself to do it. Thank you for reading.

8679949
And you can always tag the anthology as a sequel to this too!

8679949
Good solution! It works well as a pilot story.

You know, I can actually picture this conversation having happened in the show. You've done good work here.

That opening narrative...

Pretty much the mental process underlying Aspergers symptoms.

Just swap social development for analytical development (what Aspergers and Autism Spectrum Disorders do in neural chemistry) so that social behaviors and visual cues require more conscious effort to execute, and you have mental exhaustion in social situations, leading to retreating behavior.

something that plants a seed of doubt

Uh, not to interrupt you, Princess Celestia, but you should also be searching for another type of 'seed' Discord planted, back when you and your sister went up against him.
I mean, you don't want to be foalnapped, do you? You don't want Equestria to be plundered by Discord's divine gardening skills, right?

Just warning you, is all.

8680959
Eh, problem with dissecting anything is you kill it in the process. Social anxiety disorder also fits, for instance.

Regardless, on the the story proper.

It's interesting. I have some thoughts about Fluttershy's encounter that I want to work into a story myself, though I haven't written one where it fits yet. You seem to be thinking along somewhat similar lines, though I've got my own twist.

It took me longer than it should have to cross the room and clamber into a chair. I could have flown, of course, but I was so nervous I doubted that my wings would even open. Once seated I tried not to avoid the Princess's eyes too much. I didn't want to be rude.

You know, I've been accused of not meeting people's eyes (...my attention wanders), but then at least once when I did make a conscious effort to look people in the eye, they were visibly uncomfortable with it. Guess it came across as staring. Truly no safe ground here.

I'm amused by Celestia's use of "my little pony" as a form of address. Not seen much in-show, but it's a great title drop.

Nice little story

Good Job

The Monk

Arn

8680959
Thanks for the great space stories!

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