• Member Since 14th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago


Nothing special here, move along, nothing to see, just ignore the lump under the sheet and the red stuff...


Twilight has a secret coltfriend who nobody knows about.  Not even her.

And he’s not too sure either.

Then Luna gets involved, and it only gets weirder.

Editors: Tek, Mitch H, Airy Words
Cover photo: Getty images

Chapters (19)
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Comments ( 1220 )

First comment reserved for the author. This is an expansion of the writeoff.me In Over Your Head minific contest, where it took Sixth place. Be prepared for Dry Roast to wind his way through the minefield of princess pecking on his way to a final confrontation that may cost his life.

...but it's worth it.

By the way, the whole story is 19 chapters long and will be posted one chapter a day until I'm done. I suspect the end will make you want a sequel (or endanger my life), but we'll see...

The sex tag is *only* for references. Down, people. Heel! After all, we're dealing with an alicorn who... Well, you'll see.

read the summary... and omfg, i am dying here xD

This story is already glorious, and it’s just the first chapter!

Yeah, this is going to go places. Wild places. :ajbemused::raritystarry::facehoof:

And thus the awesomeness begins! :rainbowkiss:

I have no choice but to bow to the magnificence.

This can't end well you say? I can't comment on that, though I do expect the path to the end to involve at least a single genuine Princess Twilight Sparkle's Patented FreakoutsTM.

Well, this is already going interesting places. Can't wait to see where this ends up. :twilightsmile:

It begins! :pinkiehappy:

It's honestly kind of tragic that after all this time, Dry has never seen Twilight's eyes.

I do love how Dry had college-level alchemy courses. Of course, any potential suitor for Twilight is going to need a capable brain, even if he's used to hers operating at less than peak capacity.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but nice use of emojis in the section breaks.

And yeah, this definitely won't end well in the short term. The long? We'll see. Looking forward to it.

Oh, and one more thought:

Dry had some critical experience with Her Highness’ Ritual of Far Too Early In The Morning,

This was, of course, long before said ritual was stylized and elaborated upon, making it into what modern Ponyopolitans would recognize it. The Great Procession to the Glorious Font of Life consisted of only the princess herself, clad in only her own coat. Dry had to serve as Master of the Sacred Brew, Interpreter of the Divine Tongue, and Operator of the Heavenly Syrup Pump. Perhaps most surprisingly of all, biscotti were not involved in the least, and indeed would not be for more than seventy years.
Needless to say, Dry Roast's sainthood is often considered one of the most deserved of the Post-Nightmare Era.

What Irrespective said ! By the way does Dry Roast have a sister named Café Au Lait ??

.... Georg, have you been sniffing icing sugar again? :pinkiecrazy:

I can't help but notice that you have a favoured literary tool. To wit, a half conscious Purple Smart doing silly things involving confused stallions.

  • She got whammed on 2 bottles of AJ's finest sipping whisky which she poured into her hot chocolate, then invaded Green Grass's cart to steal his books, before falling asleep in his bed...
  • She went out on the lash with the other girls after getting crowned, got blistered, then hit on the royal guard lieutenant who was tailing her because he was reading a 1st edition...
  • And now this...

I know that it is totally adorable and/or hilarious, but is there something we should know about? :rainbowhuh:
This is up to your usual standard of brilliance however. Wunderbar!

:twilightblush: This is going to be so awesome.

Superb as always... though something strikes me as very, very familar. At least the first part. The bit about Rarity and AJ rings no bells. Could this be a fleshed out version of a previous contest entry or something to that effect?

Dry Roast sighed while watching the two customers head toward the marketplace in the glow of the dawn, chatting vigorously between themselves. This could not end well.

And I look forward to the chaos.

8685533 8685539 It ramps up.
8685542 One?
8685551 Probably the asylum. But they'll have *awesome* coffee.
8685564 Resulting in the Brotherhood of the Pure Brew, a group of monks who pass through the world 24/7, collecting alms for those who are too poor to pay retail at Starbuckers.
8685607 Hey, in my defense, the writers of the show do that too. Without the romance.
8685623 Yep, I didn't get the story notes in the first comment until now because the kids are out of the house, and the wife... Ahem. Never mind.

Jesus Christ Twilight. If there's one letter in the alphabet that you must know it's "bed" :facehoof:
But I'm sure not even THAT matters so we'll wait and see. I love this already.

Keep up the good work my good man :pinkiehappy:


So, is Dry Roast going to get thrown out a window or set on fire or both?

Yay, caffeine deprived shenanigans! Poor Twilight. Your subconscious has the coltfriend and won't let you know about him. You probably think it is some kind of dream.

She had obviously fallen asleep while in the passionate throes of the Muse of Fashion again

I hope that, one day, someone draws this. I see it being based off a Harlequin romance novel cover.

It amused me that Twilight's unanticipated show of affection briefly had the two ponies speaking the same language.

I hadn't expected to ever say this, but nice use of the coffee emoji.

Dude...this story...

Just Yes, Yes, Yes!!

All the yes in the world for you.

“We’ve gone too far already. Whatever you and our friend are doing at night is no business of ours. Come along, Applejack. I said come on!”

Translation: We are SO telling the other girls about this while digging up more dirt than a pack of Diamond Dogs on crack.

Then again, it's a kind of Cinderella thing. If the coffee cup fits, drink it to the dregs Twilight.

Oh man, the beginnings of another one of Georg's fabulous works of pony fiction. This is already hilarious so far.

As is Discord, as he is setting up a lawn chair and has a (bath)tub of popcorn ready.

This could not end well.

Of course it isn’t going to end well... it’s a coffee, not a steak! Silly Roast... :pinkiehappy:

It’s gonna end after a double shot-of humerous misunderstandings after adding a generous amount of confused emotions swirled by well meaning (but nosy) friends, a subtle blend of romantic feelings, a tasty dollop of shenanigans sprinkled with just with just the right amount of inneuendo... and VIOLA!!! You end up with a Georg Espresso Special, guaranteed to put a smile on your face early in the morning!

Damn you georg. Why must your stuff be so good?

Thank goodness you update daily.

Dry Roast sighed while watching the two customers head toward the marketplace in the glow of the dawn, chatting vigorously between themselves. This could not end well.

Of course not. It will end fantastically.

Normally I'm not that into romantic comedy fics like this, but the concept of this one just seems too amusing for even me to pass up reading. :pinkiehappy:

Finally checked out one of your works after meaning to for a while, and this is brilliant!

You have lovely prose that really captures the imagination, you manage to blend any telling with really strong descriptions, and nearly every sentence flows into the next impeccably. It's very immersive and I love the concept. Dialogue's great, comedy's on point, and did I mention how easy it all is to visualise?

I'll be following this one, and likely having a look through some of your other work soon. Thanks for producing this!

Her mane was rumpled and frayed, just like the first time he had opened the shop early and found Twilight Sparkle sleeping with her nose pressed firmly against the door just a few minutes after he turned on the coffee machinery. Much the same as she did back then, Twilight staggered forward, making her way up to the counter in small increments and seemingly driven mostly by scent. Under that frazzled pile of tangled mane, her cute little nose wrinkled up while she sniffed and her eyes remained firmly closed against the bright lights of the shop, but she still radiated an adorable presence which made Dry Roast give a little sigh of adoration back in return.


8686263 She sleepwalks in beauty, like the night... mare.
8686208 Might I suggest The One Who Got Away? It's a good example of my more recent work, with a bang-up dramatic reading by Neighrator Pony. From there, I'd head to Drifting Down the Lazy River.
8686148 I have a number of stories like that. I really don't like romances either, but darnit I've written a bunch lately.
8686117 Yeah. He's perked.
8686108 That's why I get the *whole* story written and edited before publishing.
8686072 You want to know how this will end?

Yay comedy! I hope this ends up as silly as it seems to have started :)

I second those recommendations. TOWGA and DDTLR were fantastic.

8685812 Dry does not get thrown out of a window in this story. Rainbow Dash does.
8685842 I *really* want to see some MLP cover art drawn in that fashion.
8685957 I blundered into it by accident, found out it actually displays on all the platforms I use (as opposed to the light bulb, which does not), and like it.
8685977 As the Prince chased after the mysterious mare, he saw the goose-drawn chariot lift up into the sky, bearing her away before he could ask for her hoof in marriage. He stared into the dark sky, then picked up the Starbuckers foam cup she had discarded in her haste.

"I shall search the world for you, my love," he breathed as he read the cup. "I shall find the mare who orders a Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato, and make her my bride."

Have not read it yet but with your stories so far I have great hopes. Will wait until it is more than half done before starting (since I wish too read it as a whole).

This looks like it'll get fun very quickly. I'm down!

Mid grabble fattamatud filbudget macatonit. Mit fulbadagin.

Same gurl, same.

until her hot lips pressed against Dry Roast

what did I say??

You snuck in a measuring session for my dress.”

Dunno why, but this line was hilarious.
Also, technically, this should be "sneaked", but it doesn't really matter. Snuck has gained enough usage to where it's going to be officially a word sometime soon.



On normal inky-dark mornings

normally (???)

black night filling the town and helped chase away

night, filling the town and helping

Mister Roast. “We’ve gone too far

You added in a quotation mark, how even?? :rainbowhuh: 100% the weirdest typo I've seen in a very long time.

This is a pretty fun and entertaining story so far. Keep it up!

I am more of an energy drink person but I am down with 10 shots of espresso every now and then.

Really, really good first chapter.

“Oh, no, nono!” gasped Rarity as Dry Roast began to open his mouth to defend himself. “Don’t say anything, Mister Roast. We’ve gone too far already. Whatever you and our friend are doing at night is no business of ours. Come along, Applejack. I said come on !” she insisted while walking to the door, practically towing the hefty farm pony along behind her and leaving the forlorn apple muffin untouched on the counter.

Slight mistake here by the way.

This. This must continue. I'll pay any price so long as it doesn't cost anything extra.

8686580 8686425 Careful, you two. I'll draft you as editors, a terrible fate indeed.
8686628 I must warn you. It comes with foam. (Oh, no! The horror!)
8686523 And after they pry you off the light pole, you're good for the rest of the day, right? (10 shots of espresso would kill me dead)

Do it please, I'm getting bored. I haven't had any chapters to preread in literal months.

I totally read the whole thing before realizing you were the one who wrote. No wonder I enjoyed it so much. It also takes the sting off of the update on Letters being over. Woot!

Wake up! Short and perky this morning.

Dearest Big Brother. I need your legal help. I think I’m about to be thrown in prison for sexual assault. Or married. Perhaps both. Not sure. Come at once. Dry Roast

Question now is, which one comes first?

See, yesterday I was looking down this nice smooth slope, but now after reading this chapter, it seems there's been a massive landslide and it suddenly turned into a cliff. A cliff Dry Roast is about to fall off. :rainbowlaugh:

Seriously?! I just finish the first chapter and I get another? What a nice way to start work. (Work is very slow right now.)

The two of them sat and drank their coffee between light conversation, with Princess Twilight Sparkle looking a little bored and irritated, while Rarity was maintaining the expression of a young colt who has lit the fuse on a particularly large firework and seen the fizzing section vanish inside, only to have nothing happen.

Love this :rainbowlaugh:

This looks hilarious. Can't wait to see where it goes!

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