13. Share a Cup Today
Her Royal Morning Coffee
Share a Cup Today
(Not in that way, you pervs)
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
By the time the train pulled into the Ponyville station, it was fairly late in the evening, and the dusty streets were empty of any incriminating witnesses. Dry Roast’s ignoble pace to the Carousel Boutique was slow, made slower by towing the somewhat smaller — or possibly larger — ‘Rarity’ collection in his magic.
There should have been fewer clothes in the boxes due to the last-minute bridal sales, some of which had been dramatic events with prospective brides clamping their jaws down on opposite ends of some fragile piece of lace and glaring at their opposite numbers. Still, from their weight suspended in his field at least, Dry Roast suspected quite a bit of last-minute shopping had gone on behind his back to fill any empty space in the luggage and then some.
He managed to get the whole collection into the boutique main floor before Rarity hustled him out of the building with her eyes half-shut and murmuring something about ‘an urgent appointment with Princess Luna.’ It reminded Dry to take a few moments to drop by the coffee shop to ensure it was still standing
It was, and not even on fire, so he headed for home and his own delayed slumber. There were no lights on in his house, meaning Rain Check was working late or already sleeping, so Dry checked the mail, quietly slipped upstairs to put his saddlebags down in his bedroom, and considered his bed.
His occupied bed.
Dry Roast had been talked into purchasing a princess-sized bed to fit his lanky frame when he had first moved to town, which meant there was normally some space left over beneath the sheets every night. True to the advertising from Quills and Sofas, the bed appeared to have a comfortable occupancy limit of one sprawled-out princess (Lunar variety), although Celestia would have been a tight fit without one limb or another draping over the edges.
Why did I just get done thinking that?
Luna looked comfortable, extremely so, and Dry Roast could not help but think of her actions the same way as years ago when the family cat used to rub up against everything in their house in order to establish her scent as ownership. His bed was probably going to have Luna’s enticing lilac and jasmine aroma around it until laundry day, or more if alicorn scents had the same persistence as the rest of alicorn powers. Rather than look for a small section of unused bed to curl up on until the dawn, he picked up one of his alarm clocks and went downstairs to curl up on the couch.
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
The sound of Dry Roast’s morning alarm was quite short and cut off, much as if somepony were standing right by his couch and turned it off the moment it rang. He was fairly sure what he was going to see when he opened his eyes, but he did anyway.
Princess Luna was standing by the couch in the dim lighting of his living room, giving Dry a very serious look, without even the smallest hint of a smile. His eyes flickered to one side to check the time, which was just a few minutes before dawn, then his gaze was inevitably drawn back to the stoic princess and those stern teal eyes. She moved closer, much closer, and her voice was cool and firm.
“Thou smells of mare.”
She continued to move closer, not settling for a reasonable distance until her nose was buried in his tangled mane and she sniffed, paused, then inhaled a deep, deep breath. “Many mares,” she clarified with her nose still in his mane.
All Dry could see was the soft dark coat of Luna from where her warm neck was likewise pressed solidly against his nose, with the scent of lilacs and jasmine wandering up inside his groggy brain and poking all kinds of chemical buttons.
“Fashion show,” he clarified while Luna’s weight on the couch pressed down on him. “There were hundreds of—” Dry edited out the words ‘Brides’ and replaced it with a much less dangerous word “—mares there.”
“You cannot believe how much this makes me desire you.” Luna breathed into one ear with a rough voice and the tickle of her teeth on the small edge hairs. More of her weight was added to his chest and the couch groaned under the stress of their bodies. “It makes me want to cover you with my own scent as a warning to lesser mares, so all might know you are owned by the Night,” she finished with a small nip at the tip of his ear.
Luna drew her head back with little twinkles of mischief dancing in those entrancing dark eyes. “But, I am told in this modern age, we no longer are permitted to imprison stallions to satiate our desires, but should entice them into a mutual relationship over a respectable period of time until an appropriate social occasion occurs.”
She kissed him, long and hard, then drew back and licked her lips with a sly smile. “Otherwise, I would take you right here on this couch.”
“I don’t think it’s stressed for that.” Dry gave a quiet cough to clear his dry throat. “We’d break something.”
“Indeed.” Luna fairly bounced off the couch and hoisted Dry Roast to his hooves. “Now, it is quite close to Dawn. Go take your shower and wash some of that scent off, lest we do something highly inappropriate this morn.” She flicked the tip of her tail at his rump to encourage his speed into the bathroom, leaving his mind with the image of Luna watching his departure.
She looked much like a starving pony might stare at a field of ripe apples.
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
After a brisk cold shower just one degree from ice and a brisk trot across town to the shop, Dry Roast was feeling… oddly normal. And brisk. Luna, who was trotting by his side, was a mix of ebullient and evasive, not adding to their quiet walk with conversation other than a quiet giggle while Dry Roast was unlocking the shop door. Even the sight of Luna gently tucking the moon below the horizon like one might put a young foal to bed did not break Dry’s odd sense of normality, because he needed to hustle to get the store’s equipment warmed up and prepared for the first customer of the morning.
“Hiya, Princess Luna. You’re lookin’ chipper this morning.”
“Good morn, Fair Applejack.” Luna took a look over her back toward Dry Roast and winked one eye at him. “I took a brief nap this eve in the most comfortable of beds and awoke to the presence of a stallion with the finest flanks.”
“Oh.” Applejack followed Princess Luna’s eyes and looked right square at Dry Roast before adding, “Ah see what you mean.”
“Almost got your coffee ready, Miss Applejack.” Dry Roast snagged a foam cup off the stack and held it under the spigot, although none of the coffee had reached it yet. “Did you want a pastry with that?”
“Well, somepony’s being a little tart this morning.” Applejack exchanged a few elbow-pokes and giggles with her royal friend, to Dry Roast’s intense embarrassment.
“He is quite, how you say, hot.” Luna broke into open laughter when Dry Roast twisted the knob off the cold oven, then tried to stick it back on while holding a tray of frozen cookie dough bits above his head.
“Yup.” Applejack nodded vigorously. “He filled out real nice over the last year, since he started working out at the gym. Even RD says he’s pretty respectable on the mat.”
“Ah, so he hath been preparing for his intimate activities with Princess Sparkle,” said Luna. “Good. It takes a strong stallion to withstand the passion of an alicorn without injury or death, and it is proper that your friend has offered to help build his endurance in bed.”
“Bed?” The relative jocularity which Applejack had been treating her fellow mare fell away, and she regarded Luna with open-jawed amazement. “Dry and RD?”
“Why—” Now it was Luna’s turn to stop, and she gave Dry Roast a furtive glance before continuing. “It was my understanding that the Element of Loyalty was quite involved sexually with Mister Roast.”
“Rainbow Dash?” asked Applejack with a curious expression. “And Dry?”
“They didst show at the Spring Flower Festival as bonded,” explained Luna. “And several bottles of her flowery shampoo are concealed within his bathroom, indicating the two of them hath spent the beautiful night together more than once.”
“Hey!” objected the topic of the discussion. “Rainbow told me how awesome that conditioner was and I bought some to deal with my tangles. Just because we use the same conditioner, and I showed up with her at one public appearance, and she spars with me at the gym, doesn’t mean we’re… um…”
“Doin’ the hayloft hokey-pokey,” supplied Applejack, despite Dry’s best wishes.
“Yeah,” he reluctantly agreed. “I mean, no. Certainly, no.”
“Oh.” Luna seemed temporarily set back, but only for a moment. “Well, certainly Mister Roast has experience in that regard, correct?”
Dry was a little irritated that Luna directed that question to Applejack instead of himself, particularly with him in the room and when some of the coffee he was pouring dripped onto the floor.
“Heck, Ah’m not sure.” Applejack made a show of scratching her chin. “Ever since he moved into town, Dry ain’t never made no serious moves on any mares. No stallions, neither. He is right appreciative of a pretty flank, though.”
“Thank, you, Applejack.” Dry Roast rolled his eyes and put the container of coffee on the counter. “Now if the two of you ladies are done discussing my masculine attributes…”
“Greetings, Twilight Sparkle,” announced Princess Luna, looking outside the doorway in a direction Dry Roast could not see.
“Very funny, Luna.” Dry Roast tapped the foam cup of coffee against the counter. “Applejack, if you could pay for your coffee, please? You’re holding up the line.”
“What line?” Applejack looked behind her, then moved quickly up to the coffee shop counter and started to put her bits down. “Sorry, Dry.” Her voice was a little muffled from behind her bit pouch. “Ah’ll just let you three get acquainted. See ya.”
“And I thought Rainbow Dash was fast,” muttered Dry after Applejack darted away from the shop with the coffee balanced on top of her hat, and managed somehow to get into the traces on her apple cart without causing a spillage. The brisk sounds of her departure had not even faded out by the time a new set of hoofsteps could be heard, steps that Dry Roast was beginning to recognize.
“Good morning, Princess Sparkle,” he managed to choke out from a dry throat when the familiar form of Twilight Sparkle filled the doorway, although he looked around abruptly afterward. “Where did Luna go?”
“I’m not sure.” Twilight likewise looked around, shrugged, and strolled up to the counter with all the authentic air of a small foal preparing excuses for why the cookie jar was empty. There was a short stack of notecards sticking out of her saddlebag, along with several books, an unfinished checklist, and a recently used tube of lip gloss, which explained how shiny her lips were just now despite the occasional nervous lick. She took several breaths before putting a pile of bits on the counter and seeming to grope for words.
“The usual?” prompted Dry Roast, taking a foam cup off the stack and moving it over to the machinery while waiting, ever so briefly, for a response. “It may take a few minutes, because the equipment isn’t warmed up all the way yet. I got into work a little late this morning.”
“Yes!” Twilight Sparkle nodded energetically. “The usual. A little heavier on the chocolate syrup and with a good shot of soy milk, though. I ran out of syrup at the castle and… um…”
While waiting for the foamer to heat up, Dry Roast scooped one of the chocolate syrup bottles out from behind the counter and put it in front of Twilight. “For you, wholesale pricing,” he added while bumping the lever for the foamer and wondering if perhaps the machine was being intentionally cooled by a certain concealed lunar princess in order to increase his Twilight Time this morning.
“Thank you. That’s not quite what I wanted to talk to you about.” Twilight tapped her forehooves together before letting her breath out in a rush. “Thankyouforfixingmycoffeemachinebytheway.”
“You’re welcome.” Dry settled into the comforting ritual of making Twilight’s special, adjusted for her recent preferences. It was at least something that he had control over, as opposed to scheming princesses with intentions on his body. Which was not all that bad at all, once he thought about it. He put the heavy foam container on the counter and scooped the matching pile of bits into the cash register before adding, “I bought a couple extra grounds racks for your percolator, just in case. You know. Because Spike is a little careless when eating the coffee grounds out of them.”
“Spike doesn’t—” Twilight caught herself and quickly nodded. “Yes, of course. Spike. Heheh.”
“It’ll be our secret,” said Dry Roast, trying not to think of just how many ponies in Ponyville and Canterlot knew about her early morning grazing preferences.
“Secret. Yes.” Twilight kept nodding just like a bobble-headed doll until the wafting scent from the cup caught her nose and dragged it down. She took a drink, then a much longer one, and when she sat the coffee back down on the counter, Dry could see the instinctual motion she was suppressing to follow up that drink with a habitual smooch on her habitual target. “Mind control,” she muttered quickly, taking another drink before clearing her throat and addressing Dry Roast much like a professor lecturing to a class of one.
“After considerable study into the habits of alicorns last night, I’ve come to the conclusion that Princess Luna is…”
After waiting a respectable amount of time for her to continue, and somewhat underwhelmed by the shortness of the anticipated lecture, Dry Roast prompted, “Horny?”
“Yes. Wait! No!” Twilight took several rapid breaths and followed it up with a quick gulp of coffee. “Competing! That’s what I meant. Yes, that’s all. She’s competing for a …”
Waiting a little longer this time before providing the missing word, Dry Roast eventually put forth, “Mate?”
“Date!” blurted out Twilight. “She’s competing for a date. That’s all. She’s convinced herself that you’re an acceptable male companion and is looking for a peer to compete with in order to win your affection, because that’s how alicorns seek out romantic partners.” Taking a quick breath and a long drink of coffee, Twilight continued at a rapid rate. “Since the number of alicorns in Equestria is limited, I’m just going to have to step up and participate in her plans so she is not disappointed.”
Dry Roast considered for a moment and a quick glance around the empty coffee shop before countering, “I don’t think we’re facing another Nightmare Moon here if Luna doesn’t get laid—”
“A date!” squeaked Twilight. “Not… that other word.”
“I don’t think she just wants somepony to sit around with and count stars,” said Dry Roast. “Although we’ve done a lot of that before work, lately. When she woke me up this morning, she said—”
“She woke you up this morning?” said Twilight in a rush.
“Yes,” said Dry rather hesitantly.
“So you overslept,” said Twilight slowly, but gathering speed much like a train headed down the mountainside without brakes. “And she went to your house when you didn’t show up at the shop?”
“Actually, she spent the night… or at least the last half of it in my bed,” admitted Dry Roast, trying to figure out if he was embarrassed or bragging. Or as Pinkie Pie might put it, Embaragging.
“Oh,” said Twilight in what was more of a squeak. She hesitated for a long moment, then surged forward with a short burst of words again. “So the two of you were…” This time Twilight Sparkle stopped cold and gently tapped her forehooves together with the faint clink of shoes.
“No,” said Dry.
Twilight tapped her forehooves together even faster and raised one eyebrow.
“No!” Dry Roast rolled his eyes. “She was in my bed and I was sleeping on the couch,” he admitted.
“Oh,” said Twilight in a released huff of air. She took a long drink of coffee, and when she came up for air, added, “I just didn’t know where we should start. I mean if the two of you were already having—” Twilight tapped her forehooves together again “—and since I’ve never done that before I’d have to add more study material to my list and since I’m already behind schedule and we haven’t even had a first date and there’s a whole field of contraceptive spells to choose from.”
“Ah…” Dry really did not know where to start, but decided to simply repeat what he had been told. “Luna said the whole purpose of alicorn competition is the… um… breeding. It sounds like her goal is a foal. If I can survive the attempts,” he added.
“Foal?” squeaked Twilight.
Dry Roast nodded, trying to sound sympathetic, and not like some creepy stalker. “Luna said she had competed like this with her sister before and had foals, although I never asked just how many they each had.”
“Oh, no, nono.” Twilight Sparkle shook her head so fast her mane flew around. “Princess Celestia has never… She would have told me.”
“Luna said that’s why Princess Cadence got pregnant. Two alicorns were competing over Shining Armor’s affection, and nature just… took its course, I suppose. And hormones. Powerful hormones.” He thought for a moment and counted months. “I guess she was already pregnant at the wedding.”
Not getting a response as he expected, Dry turned to look at the paralyzed princess. Twilight Sparkle’s breath was coming in short pants, and the pupils of her beautiful violet eyes had constricted into small, black dots, although she was still holding the remains of her coffee in front of her. The foam cup had crumpled in Twilight’s magical field, and just a few drips of leftover coffee pooled on the counter, slowly growing as the cup crumpled further.
“Or it could have happened during the honeymoon?” he offered in a futile attempt to break Twilight out of her internal feedback loop, at least before she started squeezing coffee colts instead of coffee cups.
“No, no,” whispered Twilight Sparkle under her breath. “It didn’t happen. It couldn’t happen. Not my brother and my fillysitter and Luna. There’s got to be another explanation. One that makes sense.”
Resisting the urge to quietly walk backward until he could make his escape out of the back door of the shop, Dry Roast took a longer look at Princess Twilight, from her frazzled mane to her bloodshot eyes. “How much coffee have you had this evening, Princess Twilight?”
“One.” Twilight took a quick sip out of her crumpled cup, shook it once, and floated it back over to Dry. “Refill, please. Stronger.”
“Well, one cup is probably not too much.” Dry Roast looked at the crumpled piece of foam, which could not have been sucked drier in a vampire movie.
“One bag of beans,” said Twilight Sparkle. “The one that Spike brought up to the castle yesterday. That reminds me. I need to buy another one.”
Dry looked up abruptly, taking in Twilight’s constricted pupils and faint tremor down her coat. “You drank a bag worth of coffee? That bag weighed more than you do! How are you still alive?”
“Alicorn metabolism.” She took a fresh cup off the stack with her magic and floated it in front of Dry. “More, please.”
“No. No way. That much caffeine in your blood can’t possibly be healthy.” Dry put the empty foam cup back on the stack, only to have Twilight float it back over in front of him.
“It’s not that much caffeine. I can barely feel the effects. If it makes you feel better, you can make this one half-caff, but hurry up. I need it.”
* * *
Black bunting and sorrowful music filled Ponyville as the headlines of all the newspapers cried out “Beloved Princess of Friendship Slain by Foul Brew.”
All around Java Le Choza, the patient ponies of Ponyville waited, with stacks of fresh torches and sharp pitchforks all purchased for the express purpose of exterminating the coffee colt who had murdered their beloved princess. Although the criminal had boarded himself into the building, they were patient.
But they were a little sleepy without their coffee.
* * *
“No,” said Dry Roast as firmly as he could. The daydream had astounding persistence, keeping him focused on his determination despite Twilight’s begging eyes and the pitiful whine she gave out at his intransigence. “You’re running on fumes. If it wasn’t for the caffeine, you’d drop right here on my floor.”
“Absolutely not.” Twilight Sparkle fairly bristled and lit her horn. “I can prove it. Caffeine has a unique molecular structure, and can be purged with a simple detoxification spe—”
She paused with the magic around her horn slowly fading, then collapsed like a puppet with her strings cut.
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
“Good afternoon, Dry. I’m glad I caught you before closing time.” Spike got up on his toes to see over the counter and looked around. “I can’t find Twilight anywhere around the castle. Is she over here somewhere?”
“Yes, she is.” Dry Roast rolled his eyes before pointing a hoof at the throne-like pile of coffee bags in the back of the store. On it, the princess in question was in the process of reigning over her caffeinated kingdom of fresh bean bags with long, deep snores, although quiet enough not to disturb the customers out in the main room. “Hopefully, she wakes up soon before we close. I’d hate to leave her there and come back tomorrow morning to find she’s eaten all of my stock.”
“Oh.” Spike blinked once and returned his attention to Dry. “One hot cocoa with onyx sprinkles, please.”
Busying himself behind the coffee equipment, Dry regarded his short customer with one upraised eyebrow. “No snarky comments?”
“Well…” Spike took a second look, just to make sure Twilight was still sleeping. “Can I get three scoops of onyx sprinkles?”
“Not without disturbing the sleeping dragon.” Dry Roast put the foam cup down on the counter and scooped the bits into the cashbox. “Any plans for your unsupervised afternoon?” A sudden thought smashed into Dry with the force of a crashing meteor. “You don’t write reports to Princess Celestia, do you?”
“Sometimes,” admitted Spike.
Dry floated the foam cup back to himself and put in a second scoop of onyx sprinkles, then after a long look at Spike’s expression, a third.
“Ahh,” declared Spike after his first drink of the still-boiling cocoa. “That really hits the spot. Think I’ll head back to the castle and get things tidied up for when Twilight gets back from her—” Spike took a sideways glance at the sleeping princess “—research project. See you later, Mister Roast.”
Dry Roast watched the dragon scoot out the door and head for the crystal castle before turning to Luna, who had been watching the exchange with ill-concealed humor. “You’re certain that your sister isn’t going to be interested in this game of chase-the-colt that you are playing with Twilight, right? Because it might kill me to get caught between you and Twilight, but if this turns into a three-way…” He trailed off and licked his dry lips at the look of glee that had swept over Luna’s face. “No.”
“And why not?” Luna’s voice was a predatory purr, and Dry was quite glad the coffee shop was nearly empty of customers when the tips of his ears lit up with a bright blush. “In all of the years my sister and I have played the game, we have received nary a peep of complaint from our playmates.”
“The survivors?” prompted Dry.
“All mortals, alas,” said Luna with a deep sigh of regret. “Candles which burn briefly, burn the brightest, and those who Celly ignited… Well, let us just say they enjoyed the raging inferno.” She paused with a look of heartfelt remembrance. “The mares seemed to last the longest, though. Better physical conditioning, I suppose.”
“That reminds me.” Dry Roast slipped out of his apron and put it in the laundry, trying not to look like he was fleeing his certain doom. “I’ll run the leftover pastries over to the Meals on Wheels if you’ll close up the shop and—” Dry took a quick look at Twilight “—take Sleeping Beauty back to her castle. I need to get over to Bulk’s Gym to catch up on my exercise program. My life may depend on it, after all.”
“Very well.” Luna lit up her horn and the coffee equipment began to disassemble itself for cleaning. “We shall see you later.”
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
“And that’s where I am now,” said Dry Roast, panting through a thick layer of sweat while sitting at the side of the exercise mat at the gym. “Between your friend and Princess Luna… well, your friends and Princess Luna, I’m… um…”
“Bucked,” said Rainbow Dash, who was not nearly as soaked with sweat as Dry Roast. Their afternoon sparring session had been a complete success so far, i.e. Dry Roast was still alive and had all of his limbs unbroken, and Rainbow had even sounded the slightest bit impressed at his performance, which Dry was mentally crediting to the amount of ducking and dodging he was doing outside of the gym lately.
“Yeah.” Dry rubbed the damp towel through his mane and considered getting back on the mat, except for the obvious point that Rainbow Dash would start tossing him around again.
“Doesn’t sound like you’re trying to get out from underneath it,” said Rainbow, thoughtfully instead of her normal impatient attempts to declare break time over and the tossing around time to begin.
“No. Not at all.” Dry Roast considered his words and decided to add, “Even Twilight sounds like she’s willing to… compete.”
“What if I don’t want to give you up?” said Rainbow abruptly and in a totally unexpected turn of the conversation. “I mean, I took you to that fancy tulip tasting party.”
“And promptly loaned me out to Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity,” said Dry.
“A loan. They brought you back.”
“Rarity kissed me. And she sold the rights to a kiss for charity after the event.”
“Fair wear and tear.” Without even telegraphing her motion in the slightest, Rainbow Dash kissed Dry Roast right on the lips, then sat back and licked her lips. “Yum, salty. See, they still work, so no harm, no foul.”
“Rainbow Dash!” The anguished voice from the doorway of the gym was quickly revealed to be from Twilight Sparkle, who half-flapped, half-galloped across the intervening distance in order to glare down at her colorful friend. “What are you doing to him?”
“Relax, Twi. I just gave him a quick smooch.” The smoocher looked at the smooch-ee and waggled an eyebrow. “Not bad, actually. I may just put up a fight for him myself.”
“That’s—” Twilight stopped in place and simmered, much like a pressure cooker building up steam for an explosion. She looked astonishingly cute, with her mane still all ruffled up and knotted from sleeping on the coffee bags and four padded hoof-protectors like the rest of the ponies in the gym, but Dry did not even think about cracking a joke, because she was not wearing a horn-pad like he was, and he really did not want to be sent to the moon.
Or impaled. Or sent to the moon after being impaled to hide the body.
“Ah, thou art still jousting at the pells, Rainbow Dash.” Luna strode boldly (as if Dry had seen her stride in any other way) into the gym and up to Twilight’s side. She was dressed much the same as the younger princess, only with black hoof-protectors and horn-pad, and without any of her princess stuff. “Since our prospective mate is using this time to hone his combat skills, we thought it wise to bring young Twilight Sparkle for an evaluation as to her suitability for the ongoing competition.”
“Huh?” Rainbow Dash looked back and forth between the two princesses.
Dry let out a breath and shook his head. “She wants you to see if Twilight Sparkle can spar.”
“Oh, that. Sure! She’s pretty good at it.”
Now it was Dry Roast’s turn to look back and forth between Rainbow and Twilight. “You’ve been giving private lessons?”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Every day or two, during flying practice. It’s just that here, they both need…” She took a quick glance at Princess Luna and hesitated before going any further.
Dry Roast decided to pick up the conversational thread before it tied somepony up or got knotted. “She means, Luna, that anypony who spars on the mat at the gym needs to be evaluated by the teacher—”
“That’s me,” said Rainbow.
“—before they can practice. Even though you have your protective gear. It’s because of insurance.” Evidently, the concept of insurance was not one of the modern ideas Dry needed to explain, because Luna nodded in understanding.
“Of course. Miss Dash, if you would take your place upon the mattress of combat.” Luna stepped out onto the mat and crouched, seeming far too much like a hunting tiger for Dry’s comfort. “Since I may be slightly out of touch with modern combat methods, we should start with simple blocks and counters at first, but we can work up to more complicated movements once we become familiar with each other’s bodies.”
“Hey, no prob.” Rainbow braced herself and nodded at her opponent. “How do you want—”
“HAVE AT THEE!”
The blueish-black blur of Luna’s passage did not surprise Dry Roast at all, and he held out a hoof to prevent Twilight Sparkle from joining the ball of flailing limbs and wings that was rolling across the mat toward the distant wall. “Saw that one coming a mile away.”
“They’re fighting!” exclaimed Twilight. “We need to do something!”
“Staying out of the way is something,” said Dry, although he winced at one of the ongoing moves between the two combatants. “I didn’t think either of them was that flexible,” he murmured.
“That’s… a little disturbing,” said Twilight, who moved up next to Dry as the ball of pegasus and alicorn bounced from one place to another on the mat. “I’m fairly sure biting somepony on the tail is supposed to be a foul.”
“In a tournament match, maybe. Rainbow’s been teaching me… um… Awesome Style, as she puts it. The only rule seems to be ‘If Rainbow Dash wins, it’s not cheating.’”
“Same here. They certainly have to restrain their moves indoors.” Twilight Sparkle’s horn lit up as if she were going to pull out a notepad to take notes, then went out. “Drat. I left my writing things back at the castle.”
“Just have to take mental notes, I guess.” Dry Roast took a deep breath and blinked a few times while the ongoing fight continued to move from place to place on the mat with no sign of surrender on either of their parts. “That is so hot,” he murmured.
“What?” Twilight glared at him. “You think two mares fighting over you is… um… Actually, that is a little... enticing,” she added when Rainbow Dash managed to get Luna turned over on her side and wrapped up two legs to keep her off-balance. Briefly.
“Alicorn instincts. Luna said her competition with Celestia wasn’t limited to stallions. Something about the mares being more talented and… surviving longer during—” Dry Roast yelped and jumped at the unexpected touch of Twilight Sparkle’s wing on his sweaty flank.
“Sorry, Mister Roast. I just wanted to check… um… You’re awfully sweaty for just sparring.”
“I work out on the machines first.” He took another look at the ongoing wrestling match and turned for the doorway. “Since it looks like those two are going to monopolize the mat for the rest of the afternoon, how about I show you the exercise machines, and you can get familiar with how they work. It probably wouldn’t hurt for you to get on a regular exercise program.”
“That makes sense,” said Twilight, following along behind him and leaving the sound of padded combat behind them. “I don’t normally get much exercise other than walking when we go save the world.”
“Yeah, Luna’s all lean and muscular while you’re a little round and—” Dry Roast cut off abruptly and looked back at Twilight, who likewise had stopped in the gym corridor and was glaring at him.
“Go ahead. Finish that sentence.”
Dry Roast shook his head.
Twilight Sparkle growled, “Are you saying I’m fat?”
Dry paused for thought, then responded, “There’s no safe way to answer that question, is there?”
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
The afternoon sunlight and the light southern breeze felt good against Dry Roast’s damp coat, making it stiffen up and crinkle a little where it dried to a crunchy crust. His afternoon workout had been light on sparring and long on the exercise machinery, but it felt good to have the familiar ache of sore muscles stretching out during the walk home. He preferred small weights with long repetitions to build endurance instead of raw power, but it was a little intimidating to see a ‘chubby’ alicorn like Twilight exercise with heavy weights that he was probably a few years of practice away from being able to use without injury.
Luna, however…
Certainly, the relatively few dents she had made in the ‘wing-thing’ machine (Rainbow Dash’s description, not his) would buff out, unlike the dents she had made in Rainbow’s ego with her performance on the mat. They had agreed to call their sparring match a draw, and the subsequent ‘competition’ in wing weightlifting had gone lopsidedly in the alicorn’s favor. Even the inexperienced Twilight could match Rainbow’s raw lifting power, although Luna was forced to admit she had never done a Sonic Rainboom and most probably would not be able to, because the talent was part of Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark.
Rainbow Dash declared that a victory. Luna called it a draw.
“Farewell, Rainbow Dash!” Dry had almost forgotten about Luna strolling along by his side — having exchanged her pads for legwarmers and a headband — until she waved at Rainbow, who appeared to be headed for her distant cloud-home. There was not quite the usual zing to her speed, and a slight list to one side that she continuously had to correct until vanishing into her home by way of a window.
“Did you two have fun sparring?” Dry Roast tried to sound casual, and not like the prize in a crane machine.
“Oh, it was most delightful!” Luna’s pace turned into more of a prance by his side, and she hurried him up with the brush of her tail. “She is a most invigorating opponent, clever and resourceful. Regrettably, she informed us that she will not be a party to the competition between Princess Twilight and ourself, other than to provide support and training. And how was your practice with Twilight and the clever mechanical contrivances?”
“She caught on quickly,” admitted Dry. “Perhaps, a little too quickly. I may have implied that she was… a little overweight.”
“Verily, it is said that many stallions prefer a mare with proper padding. In days of old, a rounded flank was a sign of great physical attractiveness, and my sister was greatly admired for her shapely figure. Now, however, she considers a few slices of cake an infirmity that can take forever to exercise away.” Luna nodded sharply during their walk, as if picturing her sister and the admittedly rounded corners that Dry Roast had noticed during the flower festival.
“Back to sparring,” said Dry rather quickly. “I really don’t see why you brought Twilight Sparkle to the gym for sparring. I mean I understand you’re competing against her for… um… me, but I really didn’t expect to see you both on the same mat.”
“Or mattress,” said Luna, brushing up against him again while walking. “It is a great practice of control. We are far too used to smashing an enemy into a tower or collapsing a building upon them. Mortal lovers are far more fragile.”
“Um….” He had to admit it out loud. “That is both incredibly hot and somewhat disturbing.”
“Yes, we are.” Luna checked a wing while walking. “Drat. I seem to have cracked a number of primaries.”
Dry shrugged. “You should have taken it a little easier on your first day. Is it going to cause any problems on your trip back home?”
“Nay, we merely need to preen them for a few minutes before our flight.” She paused with her teeth almost at her wingtip, then resumed her statuesque stride. “I really do not wish to groom myself in public. Could we go to your house first?”
Before Dry could respond, a low rumbling filled the area, and Luna looked away.
“The market’s pretty much closed by now,” said Dry. “How about if I make you a sandwich too?”
It turned out to be a task fully within his limited abilities, although Dry Roast was a little disturbed at how casually Luna slipped into his bathroom when he was walking into the kitchen, and just how quickly she had the water running before he managed to get the sandwich bread out of the breadbox. In her castle, Princess Luna most probably could order whatever she wanted to eat, piles of exotic ingredients prepared by the finest chefs in the kingdom, but here, she was limited to whole wheat loaf, mayo, and enough veggies to make an impressive salad.
Dry did not like fancy salads. He liked sandwiches.
The only problem with a Dry Roast veggie sandwich was volume, which made the bread not want to stick together and the whole mess drip little bits of sliced olives or chunks of tomato with every bite. It took two long toothpicks to peg the sandwich together when he was done, but just as he was slicing it carefully in half and preparing to get Luna’s sandwich foundations laid… well, prepared with thick gobs of mayo…
Why does everything have sexual innuendo to it this afternoon?
“Done!” Luna pranced into the kitchen, still damp and glistening with one of Check’s towel thrown over her back. Before he realized what was happening, she hustled him away from the kitchen table and back into the bathroom with precise flicks of her wings and tail, closing the door after him and calling out, “And use soap under thy pits!”
His stomach protested the absence of his hard-constructed sandwich, but Dry scrubbed away the sweat and dirt of the day as he had been commanded, taking extra effort to soap and rinse his sweaty pits twice before emerging from the shower. He was in no real hurry, because Luna most likely had already made herself a sandwich and departed for her home from the little verbal cues she had been dropping about having an important afternoon appointment she did not want to miss.
It was odd but nice, having a princess sharing his custom tub. With what little dating he had done before, he had never gotten as close to any of the other mares as he had with Luna. Heck, he knew more about her and vice versa after their first week of loitering at the front door of the shop in the wee hours of the morning than he had learned about any other mare he had met in his life.
Maybe that was an advantage. After all, Canterlot was filled with suave unicorn stallions who were willing to say and do anything to get a hoof-up on the competition. Dry had no desire to climb the social ladder any further than the low rungs he had achieved. He knew everypony in town, or at least those who drank coffee or cocoa, and had such a good time running his store that at times he had to remind himself he was the boss. Luna seemed to enjoy the rural camaraderie just as much or more, greeting every repeat customer by name and inquiring about the health of their family or activities of their children while mixing their order. It was certainly nothing like what she did in Canterlot on those long, lonely nights, and from what she had told Dry over the last few weeks, he would have gone looking for some way to distract himself too after a few weeks of that job. Or gone nuts.
He pictured himself, Prince Dry Roast, who descended from Canterlot on long, dark wings to frequent the coffee shop of a young coffee mare who likewise was lonely. Trying not to overuse his royal prerogative. Tentatively poking their relationship as not to unfairly pressure the sweet young thing into something she may not be willing to do. Competing with… his older brother, who—
No, the whole daydream broke up at that point. Mostly because of the frogs.
Anyway, it was far past her bedtime, so Luna was probably already halfway back to Canterlot this afternoon to get some sleep in her own bed. Dry finished drying, hung up his towel, and considered the bathroom wall with a skeptical look to the future.
More towel racks. Two, at least, with towels big enough for a princess so she doesn’t need to borrow Rain Check’s. Just in case.
After strolling back out into the kitchen to see what food Luna had left behind, Dry Roast checked the bread box for any more bread, the icebox for any uneaten veggies, and finally resorted to noshing out of his little brother’s salad container in the very back of the icebox. There had been enough food to keep two young stallions comfortably fed for the next few days, but after licking the bottom of the salad bowl and putting it in the sink, an ant would have starved on what crumbs remained in the house. He took a moment to write ‘everything’ on the shopping list before sauntering upstairs with his extra alarm clock floating behind him.
Then stopped and considered his occupied bed.
Again.
He did not have long to appreciate the view, with Luna’s long mane flowing down the side of the bed and her eyes covered in a midnight-blue sleep mask. His introspective inspection was interrupted by a wisp of that flowing tail, when it wrapped itself around his ankle and tugged.
He tugged back. It was much like tugging on a mountain.
After a few moments of relative immobility on both of their parts, a second wisp of stellar material wound sensuously around another leg and began to slide in an upwards direction, as if it were seeking something while nudging him in the direction of the bed.
He considered it, then moved in the direction he was being nudged until he was tucked under the covers and wrapped around, much like a large teddy bear. Using his magic, he set his alarm for a later than usual wake-up call, put the clock back on the sideboard, then relaxed and just let himself be held. After a few gentle touches, the uncomfortable tail-motions in the direction of his nether regions stopped, but various legs and wings required considerable adjusting before the two of them fit quite properly, with him being in the little spoon position.
It was very relaxing.
And before he realized it, Dry Roast fell sound asleep.
John Wayne is my hero.
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Yeah,he’s going to regret falling asleep like that.
Oh Dry, you poor, lucky stallion. And on that note I too must abed, although mine is not nearly as cozily alicorn-filled as Dry's is.
I happened to read Georg's story There Goes The Neighborhood yesterday. The story is about what happens when Celestia and Luna become the newest gods to join Mount Olympus. So guess who is the first pony that Luna brings there to serve her?
BTW, Zues soon realizes that Dry Roast is NOT an earth sprite but actually a mortal pony. So it appears that Dry Roast becomes the number one/most important member of Luna's staff/retinue/seraglio. How interesting!
Welllllllllllll. Maybe not. As far as I can tell, that story's Dry Roast is an earth pony female, so it can't be ...
Wait.
She wouldn't...would she?!?!?!?!
"Let me get this straight." Dry Roast looked up from the otherworldly metal and glass tablet his marefriend had provided. "You end up bobbitizing, emasculating, feminizing, and de-horn-imizing me? And I'm supposed to be happy about this?!?!"
Luna smirked. "Well think upon it this way. Thou art still the pony I end up valuing more than any other. That assuages your ego, does it not?"
Dry narrowed his eyes. "I'm terribly sorry, but with the recent economic downturn and projected DEPRESSION in transactions between us, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."
Luna blinked at him with a neutral expression.
He narrowed his eyes harder, as hard as he could in fact. "That means you're fired."
Luna scoffed. "Oh, please. We believe you and Little Mr. Roast are taking this a mite too personally."
Dry achieved new levels of narrow-eyed glaring, previously only hinted at in myth. "I think there's only one thing to do with a naughty princess who doesn't know when to stop." He set the tablet down carefully and advanced, with as much menace as possible for a creature one-thousandth the might of his prey (if that).
Luna began to back up slightly, but her grin grew fractionally wider.
Dry broke into a trot. "Tickle Torture."
Luna backpedaled faster, her eyes wide and now with a shocked smile. "Oh, no, nononono! Thou canst! We become as weak as a kitten when--"
Dry leaped at her now exposed barrel.
"Dry, stop! Our dignity does not...Ha! Ha! Ha!...Please...HA! HA! HA!"
I see Twilight has her first makeshift coffee shop nest done. I bet it will expand and gather bells and whistles as time progresses.
Whelp Twilight's in on it now. Does this mean she's accepted she sleep walks or is just trying to help Luna?
Twilight is totally going to steal Dry Roast away out of his bed.
Poor Twilight. Really not comfortable with the ins and outs of relationships on a conscious level. Resolving the cognitive dissonance will take her some time, especially if she maintains her "I don't like it, so it can't be true" stance.
I don't know - I've had some degree of success with "I'm saying that you're zaftig" as an answer on a couple of occasions.
Glad to see that Twilight has finally come to play, and is apparently already willing to move to sex if that's what it takes.
Well, she's come late to the party, but it looks like she's playing to win. At first I was rooting for a definitive Luna win, but this may make that decision harder.
8709736
You say "isn't" in a funny way
8709787
She would. Specially if it was to keep him (or then her, I guess) by her side forever more.
You'd probably be right.
You are wise.
Smell or smelleth in this case. I think.
Uh, Luna? Bad touch.
You frighten me.
Oh dear.
Far from it.
Something to that effect.
Ah, so she can be polite.
Or, you could NOT.
Yes. Something your subconscious expressed a desire for.
I doubt that.
You worry me.
Naturally.
You're an addict at this point.
Because they're probably too scared or dazed to do so.
I get the feeling the whole ignited thing isn't hyperbole.
Yes. Either figuratively, or if Luna has her way, literally.
That's, you know at this rate, he's not going to choose ANY of you.
Same.
Of course.
NONE.
HAH!
Because this is your life now.
Really hope at the end of this he does become an alicorn so a sequel can happen with many many interesting moments. Also hope this goes on for a long time too.
8709799
Oh no, she's still totally denying that there's anything between them. At least to the public. She knows she wants him and is putting up the front that she's just helping Luna so she can get into the competition and not feel awkward about it anymore. Then she's going to do as much reading about relationships as possible and go all out.
At least that's what I took away. Always the possibility that I'm wrong.
8709924
The alicorn of coffee or the alicorn of awkward situations?
8709936
He also has an alchemy mark and training to go with it so maybe a mix of all three?
Curvy, the word you're looking for is curvy.
Oh, so Twilight is actually thinking of competing? A bit too little, too late, it seems, but we shall see. And we all know she is the princess of chub. Comes from being a bookwork who has high-caloric tastes in coffee-based drinks. And messily-eaten hayburgers. Then again it's a big foul to eat someone's entire food stock before they even have a chance to sate their hunger, so Luna shot herself in the hoof there, so maybe Princess Chub-chub has a chance, after all.
I know the talk of dying from alacorn snu-snu is probably a joke, given Shining Armor's continued survival, but I worry for Dry Roast nonetheless. I can't help but think that the reason Celestia is uninterested in the whole 'game' anymore is she got tired of waking up the next morning to see a corpse in her bed. What's worse is I wonder if she's distraught over the loss of life, or annoyed the way goldfish owners get when one croaks on them. "Oh come on! I just got this one!"
8709843
The problem is that he hesitated, if he had responded quickly he could have made it work.
Saying , "no, curvy, definitely curvy.
Or, "Nothing wrong with having some extra padding for snuggles, princess" he could have gotten away with the inadvertent faux paux. Perhaps even made her smile on the compliment. Instead he hesitated and allowed her societal enforced perception of self get in the way. Dry is going to need to get a little quicker on the uptake if he doesn't want to be driven into the floor by an angry Alicorn or sent or turned into something/where unpleasant.
I can't believe how sparse the Love Hina OP 'Sakura Saku' is to the point I can't find it on Youtube anymore. Just dub-overs and 8-bits.
*Sigh* It'll have to do...
Well, it looks like Twilight is taking her role as Alicorn Princess to heart, even if it means 'studying' subjects she is very unsure of.
It looks like she is willing to 'compete' with Luna for the sake of what it means to Luna, just not with any intention of winning as 'Waking Twi' does not have the same interest in Dry as 'Sleeping Twi'. Whether this situation continues is another question all together seeing all Twis are not good at doing things by half measures as highlighted by her reaction to Dash's 'testing' of Dry.
Twi is starting way behind the eight ball and is at a significant experience handicap. While that has never stopped her before, at this point Luna is holding all the cards and has a significant head start. Adorkableness is still her natural game but I suspect she will need much more that that to compete with Luna's far more forward, factual and forceful one.
Ahhh... This and a few other lines shows that AJ is letting slip that both she and RD have both been closely 'observing' Dry for a while now even before they knew of Sleepy Twi's interest... clue for an upcoming extra competitor? Or just another who will bow out like RD? Rarity has not officially signalled her intentions either so we have no idea how many competitors are going to stay in the game.
8709951
Love handles maybe?
Ahh, I’m so conflicted. I want Twilight to win, but Luna is really making it hard not to root for her. I hope Twilight really goes all out.
So Twilight and few of her friends are participating in this 'date' competition?
LUNA: "Just according to keikaku."
I must be getting old, because the longer I’m reading this the angrier I’m getting. Particularly since we’ve reached the point where Dry Roast has simply given in because that is clearly the only way he’s going to be able to exercise any control over his situation, and is either too much of a nice guy to actually set any boundaries, or too afraid of the consequences of trying.
Or else just recognizes that setting rules is pointless because Luna will just break them.
I am amused.
Cue spit take from Britisher readers.
8709787
Rule 63? Oh, dear.
Ah, this is only going to get worse, isn't it? That chapter ending can only go horribly wrong.
Though it would be hilarious if all those involved DO end up alicorns...
I wonder what would happen should Mr. Coffee get alicorn instincts (the way this is going, he'll need them)... I can only see that ending horribly, though.
In a way, I dislike the fact that they are all chasing him for some reason (not to mention the weird and creepy competition thing), but it is (have I said this earlier) like watching a horrible yet strangely funny accident and one is unable to look away...
"I really do not with" should be "I really do not wish".
8709910
I think it should be "thou smellst of mare".
8710163
That.
Twilight is soft and huggable, as befitting her title.
8710090
.......starting to get to that point a myself.
So do you thnk Dry Roast's brother will bring frogs to the wedding?
Ah ha, so Twilight's finally starting to get caught up the competition too...that...well, that complicates things, but not surprising. I figured it was going to happen sooner or later. Honestly, I'm surprised it took this long.
And boy, Dry's a more daring guy than I would've. I wouldn't have had the patience to put up with all this competing and would've turned my back on it ages ago in a very "nope, nope, nuh-uh, never again, nope, nope, nope, nuh-uh, nuh-uh, nuh-uh" sort of manner.
Also, Spike's a smart dragon.
I always look forward to new chapters of this story, also I ship Luna and Dry hella hard.
Just wait. Give it another month or two and Dry will say: "Screw you two! I'm not your toy. I'm outta here", and will try to move to another city/town, far far away from any crazy alicorn. Well, not that it would help very much, i presume.
8710278
Knowing his luck, that'd be when Celestia would take an interest.
"Oh, You didn't think I wasn't interested in you?" she asked with a playful smirk. "I simply didn't compete because I didn't want to anger my sister. Now that you're free game, however..."
Oh, boy, this fills me with glee. Assuming that they've born alicorns like we know Cadance will, that means that there's probably dozens of alicorns roaming the world, just exploring and living their immortal lives. None of them probably wanted to be bothered with helping their mothers rule the kingdom, I would imagine.
You know, because of this chapter, I half expect some sort of epilogue to this story where Dry Roast attends some sort of Alicorn family reunion--which happens only once every century--and he realizes that he's suddenly the father to a LOT of adult stepchildren. His reaction alone would be hilarious, let alone whatever their reactions would be.
Oho, so Twilight rationalizes her interest and steps up to the plate.
I'm almost surprised that Rainbow backed off. What with all the talk of proto-alicorns (granted, not in-story), at times it felt like we were getting into
territory.
One can't help but wonder how the morning in the shop might have gone if Dry had not been so fastidious about washing up.
It seems Twi isn't the only alicorn that gets up to things in her sleep.
8710090 Up till now I've been enjoying this story. It took your comment to make me take a second look at the premise, maybe because if Luna wanted to snuggle up in my bed, I would not have a problem with it. It took a few seconds, but then I reversed the genders, and if it was alicorn princes invading a mare's home and work, and pressuring a mare into a relationship, I would be absolutely raging. But because it's a guy, we're supposed to think it's sweet and/or funny.
At least unlike Love Hina or Ranma 1/2, it isn't an abusive relationship, where the guy gets beaten on for the slightest hint that he's interested in other girls, or 'being a pervert' even when it's a complete accident or due to the machinations of some other girl. Akane Tendo never let reality get in the way of taking out her rage issues on Ranma, and as for Naru Narusegawa, if Keitaro didn't have some sort of limited invunerability, she'd long since have been in prison for murder.
Still it's pretty twisted that alicorns compete for mates, and that the recepient of their 'affections' is supposed to be grateful.
8710433
I see where you are coming from but had a different reaction. Both Dry and Luna are adults, and at least compared to humans who have had previous relationships, they are taking things very slow.
Dry was reluctant, but never said “no” or flat out ran out. I suspect either of which would have been honored by Luna. After all, they ended up doing no more than platonic cuddling that evening.
8710090
I'd go with the latter. Honestly, I think Dry is so used to it that he's starting to warm up to the idea. Didn't hurt that Luna didn't come on too strong to START with. And one can argue she's still a bit rusty with how modern courting works.
8709736
I'd imagine.
There we go. Now that Twilight (and possibly even Rarity and Applejack?) is in on it, this story now has a fixed plot to go with its excellent comedy. Kinda hoped it's be sooner, but hey, Let the Games begin. This should be fun.
Usually in a situation like this when everyone fights about a guy, noone gets the guy. Poor Dry.
Yes, that is very believable Twilight.
Twilight is very much not prepared for this competition, though she appears to be giving it her awkward best.
Ehh, sure.
8710336 Ah, but the children of alicorns are normally *not* alicorns, due to the astonished reactions of the Royal Sisters to Princess Flurry Heart's configuration.
8710571 But it's a *TEST* and she doesn't want to fail it. She's ready to study far into the night for this one.
8710488 (checks next chapter) Ho, boy.
8710385 Or gets things up in her... I'll stop there.
8710372 Alicorn competition for mates is quite dignified. Canterlot survived Luna and Cadence going after Shining Armor, and *he* survived too, so it can't be that bad. (snerk)
8710223 I'm fairly sure Twilight can provide them herself. Particularly, if Bud misbehaves.
8710163 Yeah, but that looked funky.
8710212 For Soft and Huggable, we have Twilight Sparkle Makes a Coltfriend... Literally.
8709787 Oh, you silly. There are *spells* for that. Reversible spells, so that the end result can be whatever the Night desires.
8710615
Well if that's the case, then it makes me wonder what exactly is so special about Shining Armor, or what makes Cadance produce alicorns?
Either way, methinks that Celestia could possibly gain an interest in Shining Armor when she realizes he could be very valuable breeding stock...