Her Royal Morning Coffee
Dining Destiny Delayed
The hustle and bustle of the morning gave Dry Roast a chance to absorb the events of the day, and made him realize his embarrassing little brother was the least of his worries. Starlight Glimmer had promised to remind Twilight of their delayed date, so once noon rolled around again, he was going to wind up waiting inside Gustave’s restaurant again.
There was no reason he should be nervous. Again.
The worst thing that could possibly happen is that Twilight Sparkle would dislike him and leave. After all, none of Twilight’s dates (at least according to fellow townsponies) had ever ended in fire or world destruction. Just one baffled door-to-door salespony who wound up selling her a dozen cases of oranges and one who had caught a bad case of sneezing from allergies. Admittedly, it was Spike doing the sneezing, and it caught the poor stallion on fire, but they were only minor burns. Even Luna had told him that in the worst case, if Twilight Sparkle refused to rise in pursuit of his masculine attributes…
No, that needed to be rephrased. If Twilight rejected him, Luna said that she would still visit in the early mornings before sunrise so they could continue their long talks, even if the nips and nibbles would only be on the cookies and biscotti. Friends without benefits would not be that bad, and promised a much higher survival rate. Then again, Twilight Sparkle had expressed a hungry interest in his body, or at least whatever she could transform his body into. It was all very confusing, and a date was just what Dry needed in order to make things more organized.
Luna, of course, could not help but gently poke at him once the morning rush was over.
“I do not see why thou hast not marched to her castle and laid siege to it. Assault her walls and penetrate—”
“Pinkie Pie says she never locks the front door. Besides, with the time-travel mess and all of the other girls out of town a few days around too, maybe she just got caught up in events. She did drop by the coffee shop for two mornings running now, so she’s still interested. I think.”
Luna dropped her heavy head on Dry Roast’s back and pouted, with a curled-up lower lip and big teal eyes. “We are still disappointed in thee.”
“Sorry,” said Dry with a shrug that shifted Luna slightly but did nothing for the way she was leaning on him and pressing her jasmine-scented coat up against his. “She should show up for our date this afternoon, since she’s back in town. I hope.”
Luna did not respond. Instead, she began to make quiet snoring noises on his shoulder.
“Comf’rtable,” she murmured.
Dry Roast rolled his eyes, wishing he could teleport Luna into Twilight’s bedroom. Not just for the hot princess-on-princess…
He closed his eyes, took a deep breath scented with Luna’s enticing jasmine and natural body odor, and decided that no matter what happened on his lunch date with Twilight, his life was not bad at all.
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
Of course, the lunch part of the date would have gone better if the restaurant was open.
He was still staring at the ‘Closed’ sign when Twilight Sparkle came scurrying up, surrounded by checklists and towing several books in her magic. “I’m sorry,” she started while still a distance away. “I had the date on my schedule but with the time shift and the destruction of the multiverses and Nightmare Moon and everything, it got pushed to the back of the calendar and I didn’t remember until Starlight Glimmer—”
Then it was Twilight Sparkle’s turn to stare at the ‘Closed’ sign.
“So,” started Dry Roast, “any other places you’d like to eat at? Or we could go out for a picnic lunch. We’ll just drop by my house and I’ll make some sandwiches.”
“I… um.” Twilight looked away with a conflicted expression. “I don’t think I should go to your house.”
“Why not?” asked Dry with a short frown. “My brother’s at work, the maids are keeping the place spotless, and I can show you my new bed. I mean the new bed Luna bought me. Not that I want to take you to bed. Yet. I mean…” Dry Roast took a deep breath. “Yeah, I can see what you mean. Besides, Luna might be sleeping there.”
“She’s… sleeping in your bed?” asked Twilight with a raised eyebrow. “And what do you mean, you have maids?”
“Technically, they’re Luna’s maids. And bed. She just lets me sleep… We don’t have sex yet,” he finished weakly. “She doesn’t want to go any further than you have, to keep the contest, such as it is, in balance.”
“Well, that’s not disturbing,” muttered Twilight. “So if I nibble on your ear, she gets to nibble on the other ear?”
“She hasn’t gone beyond ear nibbling. You know, we’ve gone beyond ear nibbling too, if I remember correctly. I think she’s spotting you a few points there in order to give you a head start, but she hasn’t turned me into a ‘human’ in bed.” Dry paused. “Yet.”
“After the date,” said Twilight, looking over her checklist. “Which we’re not going to do standing out here on the street. Where do you want to go eat?”
“I don’t know,” said Dry with a shrug. “Where do you want to go?”
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
The Hayburger was another oddity of Ponyville. Not that it was exceptional, because there was a Hayburger in every major or minor town in Equestria, serving the same hay fries and hayburgers with the same spacing of the letters on the signs, the same menus, the same prices, and for all anypony could determine, the same employees. The Ponyville employees, however, were all ordinary town residents, which is to say not the same dull, dry, routine employees of other towns. In fact, the restaurant prided itself on having provided part-time employment to nearly half of the town residents, which was an odd thing to be proud of once you considered just why all of the former employees had left.
Dry Roast had even worked there for three days while the loan application for Java Le Choza was working its way through the system, and tried not to look at his picture on the Employee of the Month chart when he escorted Twilight into the building. It was a forlorn attempt at anonymity, because Twilight went straight to the bulletin board and scanned across it.
“Oh, good,” she said with a quiet sigh. “The restraining order expired. So, you worked here before the… bear incident, right?”
“Just after,” said Dry. “Bean Knobby put the coffee shop up for sale the next day, and a week later, I was a business owner. That was about… um… six owners ago for this place. I was only really here for three days, but I made supervisor. And this is where I learned to make affogato. I may have—” Dry coughed into one hoof “—poached a few customers because of that.”
The place was not very packed, since the lunch crowd was almost done, but even after escorting Twilight to a seat and sitting down opposite her, he still did not see any of the waitstaff. And after a few minutes of uncomfortable waiting, still nothing.
“The boss would have jumped on me like a loose bit if I had let any customers sit this long,” grumbled Dry mildly.
“They always take forever,” said Twilight, “but it’s worth the wait. This place is the best.”
After a few minutes more of small talk, a timid young mare crept out of the back room and over to their table. The apron and paper hat made the familiar pony unfamiliar enough that they took a moment to adjust, but there was no mistaking the identity of their server.
“Fluttershy!” Twilight beamed and gave her friend a quick nuzzle. “What are you doing here?”
“Um… Making a few extra bits to help pay for Mister Chipmunk’s braces.” She smiled just a little, much as if she was being held hostage, before adding, “Can I take your order? If you want, of course. Or I can wait a little longer—”
“Three double-decker hayburgers with extra onions, lettuce, and tomatoes, a side order of breadsticks, family sized, the extra-giant box of hayfries, a dozen corn poppers—” Twilight paused to take a breath “—a family sized onion rings, a double order of alfalfa cole slaw, and… a salad bar and a large diet cola.”
Twilight gave Dry Roast a quick and somewhat guilty look before adding, “I skipped breakfast. And most of dinner last night. And I may have misfiled the sandwich Spike brought me for lunch yesterday under ‘S’ in the library.”
Dry waited until Fluttershy was done writing before putting in his order. “A large hayburger with cheese—” Just for a fraction of a second, Dry considered seeing if Twilight wanted to share her hayfries, but a predatory glint in her eye made him hastily add “—an order of hayfries, and a lemon-lime soda.”
“Um… We’re out of lemon-lime. Would you like a diet cola too?” said Fluttershy around the pencil.
“No, better make it an orange soda then,” said Dry with a dismissive wave of his hoof. “I’m planning on going to bed shortly.”
Fluttershy abruptly quit writing, due to having sucked the pencil back into her throat, but after a few brisk coughs and a thump on the back from Twilight, she retreated back into the kitchen with their order and the wet pencil.
“I can’t believe you would do that to one of my friends,” whispered Twilight Sparkle.
“Do what?” Dry tried not to cringe. “It was a perfectly ordinary turn of phrase that went… badly. I always go to bed in the afternoon. It puts me on a different schedule than my little brother so we don’t see each other for days at a time, but it lets me get up early enough for… um… your visits,” he finished in a near whisper.
“I still think there’s some sort of mind control involved,” said Twilight Sparkle, although without much sincerity. “Are you sure you’re not putting something in my coffee?”
“Just what you order. Although I’ll admit I never fought to keep from being kissed.” Dry Roast thought back over the last few months with a growing smile. “I’ll admit I should have told you, but what would I have said? Hi, my name is Dry Roast, and I run the coffee shop. By the way, you’ve been stopping at my shop in the morning and trying to kiss my lips off. Would you like a customer loyalty card, good for ten percent off your orders, and some lip balm?”
“Yes! I mean… no. Well. Um…”
“I mean,” continued Dry Roast with a chuckle, “what would you have said if I was sleepwalking into the library, checking out books, and giving you a kiss on the way out. It would—” Dry came to a complete halt and eyed Twilight Sparkle with a rising sense of dread. “I didn’t, did I?”
“Every Tuesday,” snapped Twilight Sparkle. “We’d close the library and go into my bedroom to make wild passionate love until— No, of course we never did that! Stop looking like you want to run away. If I’m going to have—” Twilight lowered her voice to a bare whisper and tapped her forehooves together “—with another pony, I want to be awake for it.”
Now it was Twilight’s turn to get a nervous look. “We never did, did we?”
“I don’t think so,” said Dry Roast in a low whisper too. “I’m pretty sure we haven’t. At least one of us would remember, and I can’t see us both sleepwalking all the way through… that.”
Twilight put her tongue into her cheek and said, “It would be the worst sex ever, that’s for sure.”
Dry snickered, followed by Twilight, until they were both quietly laughing at the table. Twilight Sparkle stopped first, putting on her more serious expression and taking a few breaths before asking her next question. “So hypothetically, if I had… offered myself one morning while I was sleepwalking, would you have accepted?”
“I can’t speak for something that never happened, but I think I answered that one for real already, Your Highness,” said Dry very quietly. “In your bedroom. Which Luna put me in.”
“Yes, I remember.” Twilight Sparkle bit her bottom lip. “She must be hotter than the sun with all the suppressed sexual tension of a thousand years and some, but if she wins this competition and takes you to—” Twilight tapped her forehooves together “—for however long it takes, won’t that be… dangerous?”
Dry Roast heaved a deep sigh. “Yes, I know. But I’ve given this a lot of thought, considering the physical limitations and stresses, age, how much hormonal release, and the risks related to how much sex we’re looking at.” He shook his head. “If she dies, she dies.”
Twilight Sparkle gaped at him with her bottom jaw hanging loose, and kicked him under the table when he broke out laughing, which only made him laugh harder. “Oh, you should see your face, Twilight,” he managed to gasp out, which only got him another kick under the table. In short order, Dry managed to regain control and take a deep breath. “Ok, seriously. I’ve thought about it. There are risks. I’m willing to take them. The reward is worth it.”
“And if I win?” asked Twilight, leaning forward to touch noses with him.
“Ahh… Admittedly the risks are smaller. I think.” Dry Roast considered those dangerous violet eyes at close range. “Maybe. I’m willing to take those risks too. I believe the reward would be worth it there too.”
“Flatterer.” Twilight booped him gently on the end of the nose with one hoof and sat back down securely on her chair. “You know, if you had just told me I was sleepwalking into your store and kissing you back when this started, maybe—” She tapped her forehooves together in a steady beat, but before he could say anything, added, “Of course, if this does turn into a tight competition, you could wind up with both of us, anyway.”
“You’re not scaring me,” said Dry.
“Or, we could not be compatible on an emotional scale and we could wind up disliking each other.”
“Okay,” admitted Dry Roast, “now you’re scaring me a little. But just a little.”
“Or,” said Twilight with an extremely serious face, “I could find you repugnant in some extreme fashion and have a negative reaction to our relationship that could cause me to despise and resent you. When combined with my tendency to sleepwalk into your store before anypony else is awake, things could end… badly.”
“Excuse me?”
The quiet voice from just behind Dry Roast nearly made him jump into the ceiling light fixture, but after a brief scrabbling for a grip, he fell back onto his chair. It was only Twilight’s rapid response that managed to save their Hayburger order from being scattered all over the floor. Her magic scooped all the falling objects up, including Fluttershy, and deposited them in the appropriate places.
Well, what she considered appropriate.
“I think those are my hayfries,” said Dry Roast, reaching across the table with his magic, then ever so slowly letting go of the deep-fried delicacies at the possessive look in Twilight Sparkle’s eyes. “Then again, maybe I should just order another… Yeah.”
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
There was only one word to describe a hungry Twilight Sparkle at the table: Alicarnage
There was probably a reason why Ponyville did not have any all-you-can-eat buffets, and the reason was sitting across from Dry Roast. Still, she had manners even in the middle of the consumption process. She did not eat any of The Hayburger employees. Or the table. She was very careful to wipe her mouth between bites, even if it was on the remains of the hayburger being fed upon. She did not even take a bite out of the very long stick that Fluttershy used to bring an extra hayburger and order of fries, although Dry Roast could see some older toothmarks on it.
The truly impressive part of lunch was the sandwich makings. Dry Roast was proud of his talent in that regard. He might have even considered opening a sandwich shop if not for the fact he liked making his mega-sandwiches for himself, and never did understand why other ponies disliked avocados or ghost peppers in them. Twilight treated the hayburgers as a building base, a fair sized foundation with sufficient structural integrity to begin construction whenever she passed through the salad bar like a starving tornado. Pickles, peppers, cucumber wedges, barbeque sauce and thin slices of tomato formed distinct layers, supported by flying buttresses of lettuce barricades and tied together with rings of raw onions. It was a fascinating process in a gruesome fashion, and extremely temporary.
In the end, Twilight did not so much stop eating as slow down to a leisurely pace that made only one or two hayfries meet their doom every minute or so. Dry was done with his food, although he could not remember eating the last bite of his own hayburger, and any fries that he had managed to grab onto was strictly by luck. With all the immediate danger over, Dry Roast finally looked up at the rest of the restaurant… the empty restaurant and got up from the table.
“Excuse me, Twilight.” He brushed some lettuce out of his mane and smiled, only partially from politeness, but mostly from suppressed humor. Spike was probably going to have to hose Twilight Sparkle off before he let her into the castle. “I’m going to go see about the check, and then we can go.”
“Sounds good.” Twilight looked around the table. “Bring back some napkins, please.”
Despite wanting to comment on the possible fate of the napkins which had been at their table, Dry held his tongue and strolled back to the kitchen where the rest of the restaurant staff were. The present owner was huddled in the back of the room with one of the servers, who just kept repeating “The horror! The horror!” but Fluttershy was right there with a happy smile.
“Oh, Mister Roast. I didn’t know you and Twilight were done yet. I’ll get your check.”
“I just wanted to add a couple of decaf affogatos for the road,” said Dry with his magic already picking the foam cups off the ice cream machine. “I’ll mix ‘em up for you and… um... Sorry about the mess,” he added. “Here.”
“Thank you,” said Fluttershy, who sat the hefty bag of bits to one side and began totaling up the bill. “I’ll have your change in a minute.”
“Keep the change,” said Dry Roast. He capped the ice cream coffees and popped a straw into each of them. “I mean… you’ll probably have to mop the walls, after all. Does she eat like that when you all are out saving Equestria?”
If Equestria is ever attacked by a haymonster, Twilight could solo it.
“No, not really. She’s a very dainty eater when we travel. I think it’s her nerves.” Fluttershy gave a quick peek over the top of the register at her friend and smiled a little wider. “She’s not nearly as messy as Hairy Bear. I normally get takeout for him. Too many ponies get nervous when he’s around. I’m just glad you and Twilight are hitting it off so well. Are you two planning on mating this afternoon?”
It was only a matter of fractions that kept Dry Roast from either inhaling the glob of affogato he had just taken or spitting it out across Twilight’s friend. Instead, he deliberately swallowed, took two deep breaths, and asked, “Mating?”
“Oh, yes.” Fluttershy’s eyes sparkled with joy, and the pencil which she had been using to calculate the check dropped forgotten onto the counter. “Most species have a period of intense feeding before mating, so the female can rest during the early egg implantation phase. I’m so looking forward to Twilight having one or two darling little foals to play with, and you’re big and handsome, so your offspring should have good hybrid vigor. Or is she pregnant already, and developing her embryos? Oh, I don’t even know if alicorns have foals! Do they lay eggs? Will she need any help sitting on her clutch? Do you think eight or nine eggs in the nest would be too many to hope for?”
“I’m… pretty sure alicorns have foals like the rest of ponies,” said Dry in a rush. “Luna has been giving me a pretty good education in that respect. Although she didn’t mention eggs, so that doesn’t mean… No, Cadence is pregnant and she hasn’t laid eggs—”
“Yet,” breathed Fluttershy with an expression of hope.
“Ever, I don’t think, no.” Dry Roast took a deep breath, but the image of Princess Luna sitting regally on a dozen dark eggs had amazing persistence in his brain cells.
“Oh.” Fluttershy drooped a little, although she still seemed entirely too happy at the concept of a dozen little Sparkles running around underhoof. “Well, the ice cream should help with eggshell thickness, just in case. You two run along and enjoy the afternoon, Mister Roast. Oh, and if you need any help finding a good spot to mate with Twilight, let me know.”
It took a moment for Dry Roast to nod back and excuse himself for the trip back to the castle with Twilight. Although he could not help but think about what Fluttershy would consider a good mating spot for the two of them.
A library, probably.
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
“So, how did it go?” Luna held herself poised in the middle of Dry Roast’s kitchen, with all of the happy tension of a mousetrap about to snap closed on a juicy mouse. “Did you two enjoy your lunch date, Mister Salad?”
“Oh.” Dry looked up at his mane, which still had one lone piece of lettuce dangling from it. Before he could protest, Luna scooted him into the bathroom, shedding her own shoes and crown in the process.
“No words, you delicious young thing,” said Luna. “Just into the shower, hop to it, or I’ll start nibbling and won’t stop.”
A shower was just what he really needed, and having Luna in there with him was even better, but it took until his mane had been properly shampooed and they were both sudsing down each other’s coats before something else slipped by Dry Roast’s hormones.
“When did I get a walk-in shower?”
“Shush,” admonished Luna. “More soaping around the shoulders, please. Your previous shower was far too small.” She stretched her wings out under the pouring water, then wrapped up Dry in their soggy embrace, dragged him closer, and kissed him. “This is better,” she added once they surfaced for air. “Far more intimate. Now, did you and young Princess Sparkle proceed any further in the direction of passion?”
“We had lunch at The Hayburger,” said Dry, a little weakly due to the soft soaping that Luna was doing to his back and down his sides.
“That much I could guess,” said Luna with a deep sniff. “Thou smells of two mares. Did you invite Fluttershy for an afternoon of—”
“No,” said Dry as firmly… as directly as he could in the circumstances. “She served us… I mean she was our waitpony. Um… Alicorns don’t lay eggs, do they?”
Luna’s laughter, particularly in the confines of the shower with the water cascading around them, was divine. “Oh, I miss this when we’re apart,” she gasped. “Perhaps it is a good thing that I have hidden you away from my sister.” She closed the short gap and kissed Dry Roast under the spray of steamy water.
“Very nice,” gasped Dry Roast when they broke for air.
“‘Tis only the start,” teased Luna. “We have far to go to catch up with your activities of this day with the fair Princess Sparkle.”
“Actually,” gasped Dry between kisses, “she didn’t even kiss me goodbye at the castle doors.”
“Really?” Luna quit kissing him and backed up enough to cock an eyebrow.
“No, just ran inside when about a dozen ponies were standing there with stopwatches.” Dry Roast shrugged. “I think the pool is down to intervals of ten seconds. If Twilight doesn’t kiss somepony, the pool will get out of control, and we’ll bankrupt the town.”
“Well, well.” Luna straightened up and took a step to one side in the shower, which Dry Roast did not understand at first. “If you have not progressed in your relationship with the fair young princess, our relationship likewise should remain at this level. And there is only one way for that to happen now, when our blood has begun to boil.”
She turned the shower to full cold.
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
“You are a cruel, cruel mare.” The shower was a thing of the past, with only memories and the slightest bit of damp remaining on both of them, but Dry Roast was determined to hold a grudge, even through Luna’s adorable giggles. “That’s as far as I’m going, though. You’re not heartless, because I’ve seen a bigger heart in you than any other mare, ever. You’re not bitter, or spiteful, or mean, or anything else that I don’t like, and sometimes, a little bit of cruel mare can be fun.”
“You see no Nightmare Moons?” asked Luna while rearranging the covers on the enormous bed. “No nights eternal, no mare consumed by jealousy and envy in our future?”
“Nope.” Dry Roast smacked Luna playfully on the rear. “Only some delightful moons that are out of my reach for now.”
“It is your fault,” said Luna with a giggle. “Perhaps this eve, we can visit the fair Princess Sparkle in her dreams and ‘discuss’ things with her.”
“That would be cheating.” Dry Roast set his alarms and tried not to grin like a fool. “Like setting a homework assignment for her. No, I believe the best way to her heart is in the waking world. Now your sister, on the other hoof. We could always drop by and you could show me off in her dreams. Do a little bragging.”
“Enticing as the thought is, I believe I shall keep you a secret from my dear possessive sister until the time is right.” She lifted a wing with the blanket on it, making a warm space at her side that Dry Roast hastened to fill. “Hide you away from her prying eyes, and keep you to myself. Mine, all mine!” She punctuated her words with short, intense kisses down his ticklish sides.
Once he finished laughing, Dry Roast gave her a long kiss in the darkness under the blanket.
“I thought you wanted to share with her? You share the day and night, and the rule of your kingdom. Admittedly, my survival may be at stake, but I’m willing to take the risk if it makes you happy.”
“You do.” Luna buried her nose in his mane and held Dry Roast close in the darkness with her wing tracing long, slow spirals along his ribs “There are so many times when I am in Canterlot with my sister… that I wish you were there with me. You already make me so happy.”
“Thank you,” said Dry, preening a little under the covers. “You deserve it.”
The slow circles of pleasurable touching slowed to a halt. “No, I do not. They are times when I know I do not deserve to be happy; when I feel as if I should take everything that makes me happy and give it to Her. She held our beloved Equestria together for a thousand years while I was imprisoned within the moon for my crimes. I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve a thousand years of punishment, a thousand years of darkness in repentance for my crimes.”
“What about then?” Dry Roast wriggled around and began to stroke her warm sides in return. “What about after you have served your punishment? Will you deserve to be held and loved and appreciated then?”
Luna held perfectly still under the press of his hooves, allowing Dry to run his gentle touch over all of her body to the ends of her wings and back as if he were scrubbing away a stubborn stain, from every vane of her feathers to the tingling touch of her flowing mane. Only when she was perfectly clean and still did he stop and rest his wandering hoof on her damp cheek. He could still feel her tremble against him, but the press of her chest was muted and warm instead of the chill that had seemed to sweep across her.
“Perhaps,” admitted Luna.
“Good.” Dry held still, listening to their breathing in the darkness until they breathed as one.
“Good,” he responded again, moving in closer to hold Luna without seeming to trap her. “The way I see it, I’m behind schedule. I should have been doing this the day you were freed by the Elements of Harmony. I’m going to have to hurry if I’m going to catch up to where I should be. And the best way to hurry…” Dry tightened his embrace and nuzzled into her warm neck with small nips. “Is to take it slow.”
The tense, cable-like muscles under his lips began to relax with every nip, and a welcome giggle started to take their place. He nibbled and nipped while Luna relaxed, turning bit by bit into a giggling pudding under his nose until she held a wing under his chin and nudged his gaze upwards to the faint glimmer of eyes under the blanket.
“Promise me, that no matter what happens, no matter if I should lose you in this battle of passions or gain your heart to quicken my womb into new life. Promise me that you shall always regard me as you do now. You make me laugh, and not just in the way Pinkie Pie can bring laughter wherever she goes. You go into the deep, secret recesses of my heart and turn the blackest tar of my regrets into dancing moonbeams.”
“You invited me there first,” whispered Dry Roast. “A sign of tremendous insight. Oh, wait. I just thought of something.”
Luna tensed slightly, and Dry could see the teal glimmers of her eyes in the darkness. “What?”
“How do I tell my parents that I’m dating a prisoner who just got released from jail?”
The resulting welcome giggles encouraged Dry to continue far into the time they should have been sleeping.