Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures, and Finals Week at the University was about as desperate a time as Raindolph had ever experienced in his long and hard-fought battle to become a mage and master his erratic powers. With a long series of failing grades and broken lab equipment behind him, Raindolph is willing to risk it all to complete an impossible task and graduate, even if it is last in his class.
All he needs to complete his project is three tail hairs from an adult unicorn.
No problem.
Well…
Placed 24th in the Writeoff.me short with the prompt ‘The Morning After’. This is the expanded version before it was cut/chopped/mangled down to size for the competition, so it has a few more details than the entry.
And no, it’s not a Harry Potter crossover. Honest. Would I lie to you? More of an AugieDog Cluny the Squirrel Mage fanfic. Enjoy.
P.S. See, I told you I’d write a HiE fic someday, even if it is a short. Oh, the the picture is a TV remote control. Seriously, I've got to get one.
The word limitations of the writeoff crippled a lot of what I was trying to do, since I was putting 1.5k words into a .75k sack. I chopped the final version until blood ran under the door. There’s pruning, and there’s arboricide with extreme prejudice. Sadly, the word ‘adult’ in front of unicorn caught the axe, so some people in the writeoff thought those were Sweetie Belle’s tail hairs. Sorry. Ditto for making it crystal clear that Raindolph was using a *spell* to check the (ahem) suitability of Rarity’s tail for his final exam project. Oh, and there's no Harry Potter in here until the third chapter. Sorry.
The power of purity has long been a matter for literature. Jesus being born of a virgin (although the word is more properly ‘maiden’ but bear with me). The Church’s insistence on priests being celibate. Sir Galahad who had the strength of ten men because his heart was pure. The theory that the only way to catch a unicorn is to put a young virgin out in the woods, and the unicorn will come trotting along and put its head down in her lap to be captured. (Read The Unicorn Creed by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough for some really funny approaches to the subject.)
So in a Darwin sense, intelligent magical creatures in a magical land who don’t want to wind up being harvested for their parts get… innovative, as anybody who has killed a few hundred rats in a MMORPG to find only one or two quest item tails can testify.
If the story is ever expanded, Rarity's little collection of hair samples would be a full wall cabinet with carefully-labeled patches of mane/tail/coat hair from nearly every pony in town. And of course, if Raindolph stayed in town for too long, it could get embarrassing for him.
Raindolph: Excuse me. Ladies. Why do you all keep coming back here?
Lyra: I don’t know. There’s just something… exciting about you.
Rarity: I’ll admit, darling. I find your presence quite soothing too.
Sparkler: Can I lay my head in your lap?
Well, when the most powerful unicorn/newest alicorn in the land has 20+ years of pent up sexual frustration, it's understandable for the results to be a bit... explosive.
Very interesting short story. At a guess I'd say it was Twilight's hair that was used.
Even more enjoyable at full length. Good to know that I had filled in the gaps left by that rusty axe mostly as you'd intended, though I still like the idea of Sweetie Belle's tail hairs leading to utter devastation.
Should you continue this, I'll eagerly read it.
Of course, what else could Rarity ask for? I should'Ve seen it comming...
Not bad!
As everyone knows, too much magic in one place leads to inexplicable tense shifts.
missing a period to end it.
Other than that, deeply hilarious.
7766336 Areas of high thaumic concentration can also bring out the dreaded Thesaurus Rex, King of the Library. Beware.
Also, fixed.
7766357
As long as I don't meet a certain orangutan instead...
I do wonder just what Rarity wanted in return then?
Well, that got a giggle out of me.
I needed that, really.
7766371
Just make sure you carry a few bananas, and NEVER say the M word, and you should be solid.
7766397 To make him an outfit.
Has Augiedog seen this yet?
Bloody brilliant! Please continue :)
University Finals Week, eh? I know that feel, bro.
Please continue, I want to know what was wrong.
That was great.
7766455
It was:
One of my favorites from the just-concluded Writeoff. But I still wanna know the ferret's name!
Mike
7766204 Please please PLEASE do expand it! The idea is simply too ripe with comedic potential to go to waste!
That and I do so want to know what was Rarity's condition for the hairs, and all the other following shenanigans too
Pretty please with sugar on top?
7766555
Ron Weaselly, of course
The extra words certainly improved the story, but I think you're being a little bit harsh to the writeoff version. I think you did a great job of cutting it down to the bare minimum you needed to tell the story.
7766601 Model for her. That's where the new gemmed robe comes from.
Also the hair of living embodiment of Magic WOULD make a ridiculously (over)powerful tool. I guess Rarity didn't exactly warn him about the specifics of the hairs' source. I'm fairly certain she's still a unicorn by this time, but that doesn't make things much better...
You couldn't help yourself, could you?
However, I feel Terry Pratchett's shadow looming above your story. Am I right?
My favorite part. That was comedy gold, as well as in-character. Rarity doesn't need anypony or dragon to defend herself and be a complete badass.
It reminded me a comment a youtuber have made about her helmet we see at the begining of the gauntlet of fire. She is looking for gemstones in a cave with Spike. And well, a picture worth a thousand words so:
derpicdn.net/img/2016/4/17/1133744/large.png
She is self sufficient while still being fabulous.
Although, I would have liked that you tell to whom those tail hairs belong. It would have been an occasion to poke fun at fans' headcannon.
Twilight? Too obvious to make the headegg virgin.
Rarity?
img05.deviantart.net/653a/i/2016/110/f/e/killjoy_by_dilarus-d9zn1am.jpg
(Go check Dilarus Deviantart for more)
Anyway, very funny short story. I wonder why it isn't higher in rank. I'll take look to the others because if there are at least as good as this one, I'll have a so many great things to read.
Hah!
Rarity is a delight and a terror in this too. Tea and sympathy, alongside scissors sharp enough to take your head off. Excellent stuff.
Err... What did Rarity get in return?
7766961
Her own personal challenge, of course:
"Plaigiosphere looked up to take in the trim black robe Raindolph was wearing, as well as the emerald green glints of gems along the seams mixed with hints of gold thread. “Finally decided to look like a wizard, young lad?” he bellowed while handing back the wand."
Yup - all round a really good short. It would be nice to see a longer version, but this was worth the read.
"Fortunately, I keep samples of all my customer's tail hair."
"Oh, well, that's good news."
"Unfortunately none of them are virgins, either. But the good news is I know a re-virgining spell."
This must be a series! Like 50 chapters worth! Please!
Very nice. I must admit, I'm always a little leery when a story has a sex tag, but this was well worth the check. I do hope you decide to continue...
sequel ???
pretty please???
A good read. Please continue
The first thing that went through my mind after reading these words was that he was going to annihilate that slab of rock... and I wasn't mistaken
7766204
The story itself is very nice. I'm assuming the tail hairs came from Twilight?
The last bit in your own comment about the Unicorns in town finding themselves inexplicably comfortable around is pure gold.
7766204 Waaaaait a minute there. About he staying some more time in ponyville... ain't the myths about unicorns being confortable around MAIDENS? So, for that to happen, wouldn't Raindolph have to, you know, have a rather intimate view from the other side?
Congrats on the rapid feature!
7766204
Georg, I never got around to reading this in the write-off, but I wish I had! This was AMAZING. If this is what AugieDog's Cluny the Squirrel Sorceress reads like, then I need to check that out sooner rather than later! Please at least consider writing more! I had a huge smile
That, sir, is an awful tease to end with.
I think it actually translated pretty well down to 750 words. I can spot some of the added breathing room you have in this version, but you managed to preserve the core of the story in the shorter version.
A fun story, bravo.
Sweetie Belle's tail hairs wouldn't blast the rock to dust, but the spell might curve around and hit the Dean in the groin just hard enough for a youtube video.
The shield wards and Dark Woods provided a safety barrier along the sides Ranged Test Range to absorb any wild and errant spells. The end of the range was protected by a simple earthen berm and the massive adamantite target disc. The very same ancient target disc that has been blasted into its constituent leptons, bosons, and thaumaturgical quibbs.
This normally would not pose a problem, except that earlier last semester, the Budgetary Committee concluded that the berm and disc alone were sufficient protection (a reasonable assumption as not even Merlin the Mighty could no more that scorch the target disc), and so repurposed the land beyond the range for the school's Gateway to the Outer Darkness and the Sleeper in the Stars (a well-deserved point of pride for the school; other magical institutions may have had more extensive dragon roosts, larger libraries of Lost and Forbidden Knowledge, and more elaborate orreries, but the Gateway was the envy of institutions with triple their budget.)
In accordance to Finagel's immutable Law, Raindolph's overpowered bolt obliterated the target disc, bore through the backing berm, and detonated against the Gateway's containment runes just as the senior Comparative World Religions class was performing a Blood Summoning (reviewed and approved by the University's Ethics Board; blood was provided by humanely anaesthetised mice and used the gentler tin Binding Circles rather than the usual iron). The sheer, brute power of the blasting spell shattered the containment runes, and the unstable Gateway began to resonate sympathetically with the half-finished summoning, creating a harmonic standing wave that tore a rift through reality.
A smoking void of un-light materialised above the ruins of the Gateway.
Something rugose and scabrous began to emerge...
The agonised screams of mortal terror and despair quickly subsided when all present observed that it was only an Elder Soul Flayer that emerged and not (thank the Maker and his batrachian and tentacular visage!) a member of the Grant Review and Accountability Comittee.
Purple hairs? Not violet? Was it Starlight Glimmer?
Also, what was the problem? Getting a job with his abysmal abilities? Explaining where did the hairs come from? The donor wanted the hairs back?
7766295 I could see Sweetie Belle's hairs working fine for the average spell. The problem would come later:
"Excellent work. I'm surprised you managed it," Dean Plaigiosphere said. "Now, would you kindly fetch me that glass of juice?"
Okay, I would love to see more of this... you've long since proven you can make excellent OCs, so now to conquer the dreaded "HiE", dear Sir Georg!
Yeah, as far as a wand core goes that's about artifact level boomsticking. Nice...
I'm going to track this, just in case!
7768903 7768558 You guys just never know when Georg might slip in a second chapter or two.
7768241 More like:
Raindolph considered the wand, which kept trying to roll toward him on the hospital table. "So I can't destroy it."
"Not without killing yourself," said Dean Mnemosyne.
"And I can't give it away," continued Raindolph, "because it won't work for anybody but me."
"Unless they bathe it in the blood of your defeated corpse," added Dean Mnemosyne in a cheerful tone which he certainly would not have used if it had been his corpse they were talking about.
"So what am I supposed to do with it?" asked Raindolph.
"My boy, that's not my problem at all," said Mnemosyne with a chuckle as he got up to leave. "This is a University. What kind of teachers would we be if we provided answers to all of your questions?"
Ha! Virgin unicorn hairs? Makes a powerful wand.
Virgin ALICORN hairs? Makes the tsar bomb in wand form.
Loved the comedy man. I'm gonna check out your other stuff now, you've definately earned a watch from me. :)
Using hairs from (presumably) Twilight Sparkle as the key ingredient for a wand?
Yeeaaaah, that's gonna make one heckuvva wand right there.
You should continue this book because it is actually pretty good and at the end it leaves a connection to what could be another chapter so I am saying it would be a great start for a second chapter that could even rival the best book on FIMfiction and if you do a little study of other peoples book it be even better and on par to being the best book ever especially to readers so what do you say? You have the qualification to do so that is what I see I don't know about the other people on FIMfiction.
7769365 I've got completely authentic Twilite Sporkle wands for sale! *totally not Chinese knockoffs! Ignore the misspelling!*
My sides, good sir! Have you no mercy? My sides!
Also, let's see. Who's a unicorn, a close personal friend of Squiggletail's, has purple hairs in her tail, and is likely to be, let us say, innocent and unworldly?
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/11/29/1305929__safe_solo_twilight+sparkle_simple+background_cute_transparent+background_vector_absurd+res_happy_twiabetes.png
It wasn't a long list.
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Absolutely awesome work! Loved it!