//------------------------------//
// 11. You Can’t Buy Happiness But You Can Buy Coffee 
// Story: Her Royal Morning Coffee 
// by Georg 
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Her Royal Morning Coffee
You Can’t Buy Happiness But You Can Buy Coffee







 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 



ex·po·si·tion
ˌekspəˈziSH(ə)n/
noun
1.  a large public exhibition of art or trade goods.
synonyms: exhibition, fair, trade fair, trade show, show, expo, display, presentation, demonstration, exhibit (See the yearly Coltana Falls Equipment Extravaganza)


There were enough gadgets, gizmos, widgets and devices of all kinds at the Coltana Expo to keep a mechanic busy for the rest of his life just shopping for replacement parts.  Pinkie Pie was the easiest to shop with because she spotted the oven she wanted the minute they walked into the Griffonware area and had it paid for and arranged shipping so quickly the griffon in charge of the booth did not even have the chance to run the price up.  Applejack was content to stroll the rows of agricultural product booths with the air of somepony looking for something they did not know what it looked like, or where it was, or how much it cost, but when she saw it, she would know.  Dry Roast shopped along at this end of the expo with Applejack for a while, just enjoying the carnival atmosphere of the place and the relaxation of having Twilight Sparkle at the other end.  Of the expo, that is.
(Get your mind out of the gutter.)

He was just considering wandering over to the industrial dishwasher section when a panting Spike came running up to him with a brochure clutched in one fist.

“Hey.  Dry.  Got.  A question.”  The breathless dragon handed the coffeemaker brochure over and Dry Roast took it in his magic to read.  “Have you ever heard of that?”

“Not… that I know of,” said Dry, flipping through the brochure.  “Looks Chineighese, but that’s not really a plus or minus.  So what’s the catch?”


 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 


“Step right up, stallions and ladies, for the most amazing bargain of all times.”  A yellow unicorn with the majestic mustache patted the coffee maker on the table and rattled on with his patter, detailing all of the fantastic features and options this modern marvel had all at the low, low base price of a number far greater than Dry Roast had considered paying for something to go into a house.  It all certainly sounded legitimate, with Flim, the unicorn without the mustache, rattling through the sales pitch while Flam floated out little samples of the coffee to the audience.  He could even see Princess Twilight Sparkle in the front row, sipping on a sample coffee while considering the expensive machine which made it.

“So, what gives?” asked Dry Roast.

The little dragon just stared back up at him and crossed his arms.  “Something stinks here, and Twilight won’t listen to me.  It’s gotta be a scam if Flim and Flam are in on it.”

“It’s just a coffee maker, Spike.”  Dry Roast squinted at the stack of cheerful boxes with bright lettering and Neighponese writing.  “Or maybe a toaster, I think.  An oven?”  He worked his way up to the front of the crowd and regarded the display machine with the empty percolator pot alongside the rest of the crowd of ponies holding empty foam cups.  “How does it work?”

“Quite well indeed, good sir,” announced the salespony, rattling into a practiced patter singing praises to the somewhat cheap looking machine with the large price tag.  It had a hopper to put in fresh beans that would be automatically and magically roasted before being ground and filtered through the water from an included reservoir, making the entire process a simple one-button operation.  Their demonstration of the machine was an impressive display with flying coffee beans, a snappy musical number, and ended with a line in front of the pile of boxes where happy customers slapped down piles of bits for a box or twelve of coffee maker parts and accessories.  Dry Roast sipped on the sample cup of coffee and appreciated the delicate taste of hazelnut roast, flavored and brewed just as well as any of the Starbuckers franchises could do.

Still, there was something off about it.

The machine just seemed too cheap and plastic to make coffee this good, and the longer he looked at it, and the more he sipped his coffee, the less he liked it.  Matters only got worse when Princess Twilight Sparkle slipped up to his side and regarded him with a distasteful frown.

“I’m buying one,” she declared with a certain amount of venom.  “With the… umm…”  She waved a hoof at the accessories boxes.

“Chocolate pump, espresso attachment, the low-froth mixer, and a shaker of sprinkles,” he said abstractedly while still considering the machine.  “You have to get the right beans to get a good dark roast without it tasting like charcoal, but I buy in bulk and can get you the brand and quality to make it dark as you want without the burnt flavor from Starbuckers…”

Dry paused, then lit his horn up and pushed the activation button on the display coffee maker even though there were no beans in the bin.  It proceeded to whir and chirp with the most notably empty sound in the bean feeder and the roaster, but promptly began to stream coffee down into the glass carafe just as if it had been full of beans like the last time.

“Don’t touch the merchandise!” shouted one of the salesponies, moving aggressively toward Dry Roast until he spotted Princess Twilight by his side.  Then his legs started moving backwards, seemingly without input from his mind.  “Brother!” he called out.  “It’s her.”

“More mooching buddies?” whispered Dry Roast into Twilight’s twitching ear.

“No!” she hissed back.  “And how did you get the machine to make coffee without any beans?”

“That’s a good question.”  Dry Roast looked up at the two cowering unicorns, who had their heads together and were whispering to each other.  “Excuse me.  I’d like to make a purchase.”

“Yes?”  Both unicorns perked up, and Dry could feel the eyes of the crowd sweep over to him, much as if he were in a tennis game and it was his turn to volley.

“Of course.  I run a coffee shop in Ponyville, and I would love to purchase—”

“One of our fine coffee makers,” purred the first salespony.  “Of course you recognize the quality and—”

“No, I don’t,” said Dry Roast bluntly.  “I want to purchase one of the containers you’re using to store your Starbuckers coffee in.  It’s been several hours since the expo started, and it’s still just as fresh and hot as when you went to the Starbuckers franchise store and filled it up.  I could use a few of those at the store for special occasions and parties.”

“Party!” declared Pinkie Pie, bounding up to one side of him and vaulting to the other in a burst of confetti.  “Hi Dry.  Hi Twi.”  She giggled.  “It’s twice as funny.”

“Hello, Pinkie Pie.”  Twilight Sparkle wiped away a piece of confetti on her cheek.  “Hang on just a moment.  I think I know what Mister Roast is talking about.”

There was a brief flash of magic and the cover across the front of the table vanished, revealing four squat insulated containers each about the size of a large percolator, as well as long brown tubes connecting them to the coffee machine above.  Over the growing muttering of watching ponies, some of whom had just put down quite a few bits for the box they were holding, Dry Roast said, “If they’re for sale, I’ll give you two hundred bits each for two of them.”

“And I’ll give you two hundred bits each for the other two,” chimed in Pinkie Pie.  “If they can keep coffee fresh, they’re sure to be able to store hot chocolate in the winter.”

“Now just one minute,” said Flam.  “Two hundred bits is a pittance for—”  He paused, looked down at the revealed insulated containers, then the crowd of ponies holding the cheap cardboard boxes containing the ‘merchandise’ they had just purchased.  “Cash,” he said.

“Bank draft,” said Dry Roast.

“And I think we need to set one of your real machines up for a test,” growled Twilight.  “If you’ve been cheating these good ponies by selling them shoddy merchandise, you’re going to need to refund their bits.”

“All sales are final,” said Flim, who paused for a moment when Dry Roast climbed up on the stage and whispered in his ear.  He abruptly turned a much paler shade of yellow and stammered out, “Without a receipt, of course.”


 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 


Testing the machine was unexpectedly easy, mostly because Dry Roast did not have to do a thing.  Twilight Sparkle handled the assembly by unpacking a fresh box and putting all the parts together in her magical field until the machine was sitting on the uncovered table, ready for operation.  That is it would have been ready, if the water reservoir had not streamed its contents out of dozens of holes in the thin plastic, and the roaster caught the beans on fire almost at the moment the switch was thrown.  Afterward, the line of returns proceeded along quite well under Twilight Sparkle’s fierce gaze and Pinkie Pie’s happy assistance while Dry Roast and Spike strolled away to check out the rest of the machinery for sale before the expo closed.

“What did you say to Flim that made him so nervous?” asked Spike once they had gotten out of earshot of Twilight.

“I helped my big brother study for the bar exam,” explained Dry Roast.  “I got pretty good at the section on Grand Larceny, and the prison terms that go along with it.”

In the end, they found a reputable company with a nice, sturdy coffee maker which did not have all the bells and whistles of the industrial grade machine back at Java Le Choza, but it seemed strong enough to withstand a certain nocturnal alicorn’s feeding and watering habits.  Dry Roast even found the conical burr grinder he was looking for, and before long, the expedition was over, and they were all headed home on the afternoon train.


 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 


With the long train trip and the associated stress, Dry Roast slept like a log on the way back, although he was careful to set his three alarm clocks after retiring to his own bedroom for the late afternoon.  It was going to be a short night and a considerable change to not have Princess Twilight Sparkle dropping by in the darkness for a morning coffee and some sugar any more, but as much as he thought about the concept, he could not determine if that was going to be a good or bad thing overall.

Contrary to his expectations, though, he was not awoken by his alarm clocks, but rather by his little brother barreling in through the doorway like his tail was on fire and grabbing onto his sleeping bigger brother with a crushing grip from all four legs and both wings.

“Dry!  Wake up!  I was just attacked!”

“Merglimph!”  Dry fought away the tangled covers and lit up his horn to cast the small bedroom into a pale yellowish light.  Rain Check looked incredibly rattled, which was not that much of a surprise to Dry Roast, because his little brother was the only pegasus he knew of who was afraid of thunder.  Still, this was far more than a nighttime rumble or a case of Rainbow Dash seeing how close she could get to the house with the occasional bolt, because Check looked… strange.

“Rainy…”  Dry Roast rubbed his eyes, but the odd appearance of his brother did not change.  “Why is your ear all wet?”

“I don’t know!”  Rain Check touched his ear with one hoof.  “Am I bleeding?  Am I going to die?  Did I get bitten by a vampony?  Am I going to stalk the night with an unending thirst for blood?”

“As long as it’s not coffee,” muttered Dry Roast while looking at the damp ear.  “No, it’s just wet.  What did you…”  Stopping for a breath of air after hearing a quiet noise out in the hallway, Dry Roast called out, “Princess.  Come in here please.”

There was some more quiet shuffling, but to his surprise, Princess Twilight Sparkle did not appear in Dry Roast’s doorway, looking sheepish and contrite over her unauthorized nocturnal expedition.

It was Luna.

“Beg pardon, Mister Roast,” she said in that rolling contralto voice that still brought goosebumps up the back of his neck when he least expected it.  “I misjudged which window was yours.”

“Ahhh…”  Dry flickered a glance down at his alarm clocks and poked the off buttons in quick succession.  “That’s quite all right, Princ—  I mean Luna.  I was about to get up anyway.  Um…  What are you doing here?”

A small smile crept onto Luna’s face, tucking up the corners of her lips and bringing a mischievous sparkle to her eyes.  “Why, thou didst call for me to enter thy bedchambers, good sir.”  Those dangerous teal eyes swept over his little brother, and the Princess of the Night licked her lips.

“Princess Luna bit me on the ear,” whispered Rain Check, most probably loud enough for any passing pony on the street to hear.  Then his expression changed rapidly, through realization and stunned shock before turning to his big brother.  “How long has Princess Luna been sneaking into your bedroom to nibble on your ear?”

“Never,” said Dry Roast.  “Well, other than this time.  Which she’s not going to do again.  Because it’s a little creepy.  And you’re not going to talk about this to your little friends over at the store,” he ended with a serious glare at Rain Check, which probably would have been more serious if his supposedly adult little brother had not been wearing his Power Ponies pajamas.  “And get out of my bed,” he added.


 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 


The pitch-dark morning ritual Dry Roast had been going through for most of his self-employed life took on a slightly different urgency when the Princess of the Night was out in his kitchen chatting with his little brother while he was trying to speed his shower and teeth brushing.  After all, Rain Check knew every embarrassing detail of his life with the perfect recall that was only possible from a pegasus with a cutie mark in keeping track of past transactions, and who owed what to whom.

After this morning, Dry Roast owed his little brother a lot more head-noogies and a few towel-snaps, for absolute certain.

He did not really relax until Luna was at his side, trotting through the empty town on the way to Java Le Choza, and even then he was only relatively relaxed.  Discounting Twilight Sparkle for the moment, he was barely getting used to a princess showing up at work as an employee, but having one show up in his own home was… different.  And doing what she did was… more different.  What if she started to show up a little earlier, in order to do… other things in his bed before work?  And worse, how in Equestria could he refuse her?  And why would he want to?

“Pardon me, Dry.”  Luna slowed her pace to a halt and just looked at him in that see-clear-through-to-the-other-side way that was so distracting.  “I apologize for attempting to accelerate our relationship beyond the limits which you desire.  It’s just that things were so boring this evening after Night Court let out and the supplicants went home.  The castle is a quiet, peaceful place where I can be alone with my thoughts and my stars, but some of those thoughts are less than comforting.”

“So you decided to liven up your evening by sneaking into my bedroom and biting me on the ear,” said Dry Roast in what was most certainly not a question.

“It certainly enlivened your little brother’s evening,” said Luna with a giggle.

“And he’s going to tell everypony!”  Dry Roast tried not to roll his eyes and more particularly, not to giggle at his memories of Rain Check’s expression.  “You couldn't keep him from talking if you threatened to disembowel him with a dull spoon.”

“Is that a bad thing?”  Luna lifted up one perfect eyebrow and put on a look of pure mischief.  “If one is to become a princess’ lover, thou should expect a certain amount of gossip about your talents.  Tell me, if it becomes commonly known that you hath both kissed fair Princess Twilight and myself, would you find the resulting attention unwelcome?”

It was a question from an angle he had not really considered before.  Princess Luna certainly had not been reluctant to kiss him yesterday morning, and Princess Twilight was instigating the kisses, which could be testified to by a number of the coffee shop customers and Luna.  In short, it was a question worthy of a lot of thought, and now that Princess Twilight Sparkle’s nighttime desires were being satisfied by a sturdy chunk of industrial machinery at her castle, it did leave Dry Roast’s dance card empty.

The problem was how to say it out loud.

After some time during their walk to think about it, two cups of freshly brewed coffee, and a short period of standing beside Luna in their favorite talking spot, it turned out to be not nearly as much of a problem as he had originally considered.  The little nook just outside the front door of his coffee shop had always been a good spot for Dry to rest and think in the darkness before the dawn.  While standing there with Luna, looking up at the stars and the silhouette of Canterlot against the dark sky, large problems tended to become very small problems indeed.

Luna, although she was a princess, was also a very clever and witty mare who he enjoyed being around.  She had a depth of experience that made it a joy to just talk with her while standing out by the door to the shop, admiring the stars and counting the lights in distant Canterlot as early morning ponies began to rise.  And in return, she enjoyed talking with him about life and how the world had changed during her imprisonment.

The topic of Nightmare Moon was a sensitive one, but with some patient questioning and a little humor, the suppressed floodgates of her emotional dam weakened enough to allow some of the pent-up pressure out.  Mostly it was the cycle of fear which drove her, due to her fear that the ponies of Equestria would be afraid of her, which made her actions more awkward and uncomfortable, and only drove more ponies away.  It had not helped her recovery from her time as Nightmare Moon, and only caused her to withdraw more into her sulking ways.  And to his surprise, it had been the young ponies of Ponyville which helped break that cycle of fear.

“Pipsqueak?”  Since it was nearly dawn and they had moved their pleasant conversation inside, Dry Roast finished carrying the morning beans from the roaster over to the brand new conical burr grinder while frowning in concentration.  “I think that’s his name.  He’s the cheeky little one who never can stay still.  I’m always a little afraid of stepping on him when the kids are in the shop.  We don’t get too much traffic from the school crowd in here except during winter when we have Hot Chocolate Wars with Sugarcube Corner.”

“He is a delightful little scamp with the most curious of dreams.”  Luna lit up her horn briefly and put on an expression of thoughtful concentration.  “And the most pleasant misinterpretations of the career of pirate.  We love children.  We can hardly wait until Cadence finishes her gestation and we get to play with her infant.”  Luna sighed.  “They are so adorable at that age.”

“I had to help change my little brother’s diapers,” cautioned Dry Roast.  “They’re only adorable in brief bursts.  Then they’re getting into your stamp collection or tearing the pages out of your books.”

It took a few moments behind the coffee machine to crank out a test cup of frappuccino, and one for Luna, of course, before they moved their conversation back to the front doorway of the shop.  The stars were exceptionally bright, which he complimented her on, of course, and the coffee was very good, which he credited to the new grinder.

“I didst tell you, fair prince, that the favor of your Princess of the Night went with you on your noble quest.”  Luna took another sip from her coffee, then leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips.  “Such a success deserves a suitable reward.”

“Um…”  Dry Roast was rather uncertainly getting used to coffee-flavored alicorn kisses of great intensity.  This… was different.  “Prin—  Um, Luna.”  He swallowed nervously.  “I don’t think we should be kissing at the store.”

“Why?”  Luna turned her head slightly, making the moonlight glitter off her mischievous eyes.

“Because I’m the owner and you’re an employee and it’s…  Um…”

“Illegal?” asked Luna.

“I think so,” admitted Dry, although trying to figure out just how he could be accused of using his influence as the owner of a small coffee shop against the Princess of the Night in exchange for some sort of sexual favors.

“Really?”  Luna flicked her lashes and shook her head with just the hint of a smile.  “Well, I shall have to look into the proper judicial punishment for Mister and Missus Cake, for I did see both of them within their establishment several days ago, exchanging a most passionate kiss.”

“Oh, it doesn’t apply to them,” said Dry in a rush.  “They’re marr—”  His rebellious brain stopped Dry Roast's lips before the 'M' word could get all the way out and considered his path backwards through the verbal minefield he had just planted.  Luna seemed to enjoy his befuddlement and blessed his cheek with a brief kiss.

“You are so sweet,” she cooed.  “And a far better competitor than Shining Armor.”

“I wasn’t aware he was in a contest,” said Dry, suddenly remembering that astonishingly smug expression on the young stallion when he had last talked to him during the flower festival.

“You sound so much like Princess Cadence,” sighed Luna.  “Shining Armor was most blind to my entries, pretending not to notice when I would touch him on the flank as I passed by, like this—” Luna’s soft body brushed up against Dry Roast “—or when I would flick him with my tail like this—” Once she had demonstrated the technique, Luna reached out with a wingtip “—or even—”

“I get the message!” said Dry Roast.

“But there is so much more,” insisted Luna, making Dry Roast hold his hooves over his ears.

“I don’t want to know,” he moaned.  After a few moments of relative silence, he removed his hooves and looked at Luna, who was simply sitting in the darkness without saying a word.

“Okay,” he admitted.  “I want to know.  Why were you flirting with Princess Cadence’s fiancé?  Did Cadence know?”

“Of course.”  Luna had a near predatory purr to her voice.  “If there is no chase, there is no joy in the capture.  To the victor goes the spoils, and without a contest, there can be no victor.”

“It sounds a little… competitive” hazarded Dry.

“It is an alicorn tradition,” said Luna in a dismissive fashion.  “When I returned to discover the young Princess Mi Amore Cadenza had a prospective suitor, and my dear sister was not providing the proper alicorn role model, I took it upon myself to educate her in the ways of our kind.”

Luna valued honesty, so Dry Roast decided to voice his opinion.  “Are stallions just the prize in a carnival game?”

“Nay,” said Luna.  “Only the most attractive stallion triggers the alicorn mating reflex, determined by the number and intensity of other mares’ desires for him.  If she is to dominate the social structure, she must fight over their bodies—” Luna looked over at Dry “—metaphorical only, of course. Anyway, she must fight over all other mares for her stallion until she is victorious and takes him to breed.”

“Breed?” asked Dry weakly.

“Not in a metaphorical sense,” stated Luna.  “Once the hormones get stirred up, it is a natural consequence.  Observe how swiftly Princess Cadence did become with foal.”

Dry had to ask.  “What about what you told me before, how you and Celestia used to compete for a mate?”

Luna waved a dismissive hoof.  “She is much older now, and has become a dried up old prune.”


* * * 


Celestia hobbled to the castle window and shook her cane at the ponies below.  “Hey, you!  Get off my lawn, you youngsters!  No respect for the elderly.  Don’t make me come down there and roust your lazy rumps!  Get a job!”

Since the statues in the garden did not answer, she squinted up in the sky to lower the sun, then wheezed her way back to the bed.  “Lousy kids,” she grumbled while putting her flowing mane wig on the bedstand and unclipping her similar artificial tail to be put next to it, allowing her own stubby bare tail to wiggle in the cool evening air.  “No respect, I tell you.”

After putting her teeth in the bedside glass and dropping a cleansing tablet in to make the water froth, the Princess of the Setting Sun settled her old bones down in the bed and began petting her pets.  “You still appreciate me, my dearies.  As long as I put food in your bowls and give you a drink of water on occasion, that is.  Come here.  Yes, that’s it.”

Celestia settled down in bed, gently stroking the mane of the quiet Royal Guard while the second guard curled up around her legs and began to quietly whisper “Purr, purr” in as soft a voice as he could manage.

“That’s the ticket,” she murmured while drifting off to sleep.


 * * * 


Luna gave off a poignant sigh and leaned her head up against Dry Roast.  “As much as I would like to see her once again pursue some young stud, her flames of desire have cooled into embers.”  She shrugged.  “It is probably for the best. She used to set them on fire with her kisses. Only slightly,” added Luna at Dry's wince.

Dry could not help but follow his mind further down the road he did not want to tread. “Did any of them survive the… breeding afterward?”

“What better way to go out?  We received no complaints in that regard.”  The faintest smile tugged at the corners of Luna’s lips while she looked at Dry Roast’s reaction.  “Strange,” she remarked with those mischievous sparkles in her eyes again.  “Shining Armor did look much like that when we told him of alicorn proclivities too.  We feel it is only fair and proper to give you such an education as well.”

And quite an education it turned out to be.  While the two of them stood out in the cool night air under the stars, Luna went into great detail about her futile effort to lure Shining Armor into her own embrace.  When examined from a distance and with Luna’s mischievous approach, it seemed a lot like a cat toying with a mouse who refused to play, only with less chance of being eaten.  It was a fascinating story with linked collections of anecdotes, and had been extremely frustrating for the elder princess until she had by chance discussed the ongoing attempts with Cadence and found out how wild it had made Shiny in private.

Luna spared no details of Cadence’s recitation.

They talked until the pinkish light of impending dawn began to light the sky and the sight of Applejack’s approaching cart heralded the first customer of the morning, making Dry Roast straighten up and stretch.

“Well, looks like the workday is about to begin for the both of us.”  Dry Roast chuckled.  “I just can’t help but think about Shining Armor.  The poor guy.”

“Do not begrudge Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’s victory,” chided Luna.  “She didst play her part with the greatest of skill.  She deserves her prize, and we wish for their union to produce many more healthy offspring.”  The Princess of the Night put on a most overdone pout.  “Still, it was greatly disappointing.  I did not even get to try him.”

“Better luck next time,” replied Dry Roast in a casual fashion before the words soaked in.

“Oh, I shall not rely on luck.”  Luna gave him a sly smile and began strolling away toward the town center where she had been lowering the moon for the last few weeks.  “Much as a spider, I have woven my web so there is no escape for my prey, and I intend on sucking him dry.”

Dry Roast stood in the doorway to his shop while trying to make sense of the conversation, and was still standing there when Applejack pulled her wagon up and shrugged out of the harness.

“Hi, Dry.”  The farmer snickered.  “You know, Pinkie was right.  That is kinda funny.”

Dry Roast did not respond at once, and only blinked a few times when Applejack waved a hoof in front of his face.  “Are you okay there, big guy?”

“Yeah,” said Dry.  “I think I just saw a spider.  I’ll be fine.  Let me get your coffee.”


 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 


The next several days passed far more uneventfully than Dry Roast expected, which was saying something for mornings where he was greeted by a waiting Equestrian Princess when he stepped out of his house and strode alongside her all the way to work.  He kept looking for the hidden spider in their relationship, but could not find any, or webs either.  Even Twilight Sparkle was keeping to her castle, although Spike dropped by on occasion during slow spots in order to get advice on how to best run their new coffee maker and pick up freshly roasted beans.

In short, Dry Roast’s world had become normal.  Well, for a given Ponyville value of ‘normal.’

He still talked or walked around the darkened town with Luna for hours every morning before the first customer showed, but although she was playful, she did not kiss him any more, and he really did not have the nerve to attempt a kiss of his own.  It was weird to think of ‘My friend, Luna’ while wondering where all of the frustrated passion she had displayed earlier was hiding.  Maybe she was a trap door spider.  Or maybe she just needed somepony to talk to without having them bang their forehead against the ground or cower in fear at her divine presence.  In any case, it made a relaxed environment for them to get to know each other and laugh at each other’s stories.

Until the morning when Dry Roast was scheduled to go to Manehattan with Rarity.

Dry Roast should have known something was up.  He had just given his last instructions to Luna and was feeling oddly uncomfortable allowing her to run the coffee shop for an entire day by herself despite her obvious over-qualifications.

Then there was a bump at the doorway.

Twilight Sparkle was standing in front of the closed glass door with the ruptured remains of the coffee filter basket speared over her horn and sprinkles of coffee grounds scattered all over her face and mane.  It was both cute and a little disturbing, because the industrial-strength grounds basket was a complete and total loss, indicating that Twilight’s nocturnal noshing habits were less than subtle, although the cute little twitching of her nose against the glass nearly made up for it.

Dry Roast sighed.

Luna pumped one hoof and declared, “Yes!”

Then she caught herself, looked properly chagrined, and got a large foam cup off the stack.  “I mean, it appears Princess Twilight Sparkle is experiencing a coffee emergency.  Shall I attempt to fill her order?  Or would you rather fill—”

“I’ve got it,” interrupted Dry.  He snagged the empty foam cup in his magic and gestured to the storeroom.  “I need you to run back there and grab the big white box labeled ‘Emergency #1’ for me, please.”  He looked up at where Twilight had just staggered through the doorway and was making her way up to the counter.  “And hurry.”

With all of his concentration on mixing, Dry almost missed Twilight Sparkle moving behind the counter to supervise his efforts, but he most certainly did not miss what happened after he floated the frothy concoction to her.

She took a sip.

There was a brief gap in his memory which was most likely due to being snogged with extreme enthusiasm by an alicorn who had not visited his shop in quite some time.

Then he found himself being dragged to the door by his ear, which would not have been quite so embarrassing if he were shorter than the princess in question, or if she had not been using her tongue on the ear she had clamped between her teeth.

“I’ve got the—”  Luna came to a complete halt after coming out of the storeroom with a large white box floating behind her.  Dry Roast managed to snag it with his magic while Twilight Sparkle was fumbling with the front door, and called out behind him.

“It’s a spare coffee filter cage for Twilight’s coffee machine.  I thought something like this would— Eek!  happen so I took precautions.  Eeek!”

Hearing the door to the shop open, he began to talk faster.  “When Applejack shows up, send her to the castle so she can—  Eeek!  Just send her up.”

When Dry and his captor moved out into the dark town for their trip back to the castle, Luna followed behind just so she could add her own response.  “Fear not, brave prince.  I shall send thy boon companion to rescue you from the fair maiden’s bed.”

“Kitchen!” Dry managed to squeak out.  “And make sure she hurries so I don’t miss Rarity’s trip to Manehattan.  Eeek!  Remember AJ!”

The last glimpse Dry Roast had of his employee/regent was Luna’s satisfied smile, looking very much like a hungry spider who had just captured a juicy fly.


 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 


The sun had barely been up for an hour by the time Dry Roast came galloping back into Java Le Choza, scooped his saddlebags up from where he had left them, and gave one quick glance around the shop.

“Got her machine working again, Luna,” he managed between rapid breaths.  “Applejack pried me out of the corner where I was trapped, and I’ve just got a couple of minutes before I need to be down at the train station.  Can you think of anything I’m missing?”

Luna thought for a moment, then moved up to him in one swift motion while the waiting customers parted on both sides of her.  “Yes.”


 ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ 


The regular clatter of train wheels was relaxing, much like the meditative koans Dry Roast used in order to improve his inner focus and willpower.  He took a sip out of his coffee, blinked several times, and spared a sideways glance at the pristine white unicorn to his side on their seat in the train car.  Rarity was being quiet, far too quiet for Dry Roast’s comfort, although part of that was due to the coffee she was pretending to sip and the newspaper she was pretending to read.

He took another sip of his coffee.  It tasted of peppermint spice and Luna.  It was not bad at all, considering it was all he could remember between now and the coffee shop.

“So,” he started after a short period of the non-silence.  “How long have we been on the train?”

Rarity checked her watch, then put it back into her bag.  “About fifteen minutes.”

There was a very long meaningful pause, which Dry Roast could not determine just exactly what it was supposed to mean, only that it meant something.

“So.”  Rarity put down her newspaper.  “Now you’re kissing Princess Luna.”

“Actually, she kissed me.”  Dry Roast paused.  “Again.”  He stopped to consider his brief statement, hoping that the silence would help the words make more sense.  “It must be because Twilight Sparkle stopped by the shop this morning after she broke her coffee machine.”

“Did she kiss you also?” asked Rarity in the same polite tone of voice one would use when asking to pass the pepper at the table.

“Yes.”  Dry Roast took another sip of coffee and considered the conversational flow.  “Don’t tell me you’re considering—”

“No.”  Rarity considered what Dry was afraid she was considering.  “Well…”

She leaned over and kissed Dry Roast on the lips for a polite amount of time, then sat back on the seat.  “Well?”

“That’s not much of a kiss,” admitted Dry.

“Well!” huffed Rarity, pulling out her newspaper and arranging it in front of her.

“Wait a minute,” protested Dry.  “I’ve just been kissed by two alicorns this morning, neither of which have had sex in recorded history.  I’m probably burned out for a while.”

Rarity put down the paper and seemed to relax a little.  “Good point.  Although since there are ladies involved, you should say neither of whom have been intimate in recent history.”  She paused, thinking something that Dry Roast probably would not like.  “So were you planning on—”

“No.”  Thinking that a little clarification was in order, Dry added, “Certainly not with your friend.”

“They are both friends.”  Rarity gave him a very dry look.  “Certainly, there must be more decent ways to become a prince than to play off the affections of two princesses.”

“I’m not trying to become a prince,” admitted Dry Roast.  “I’m more likely going to become a frog.”  He hesitated, which unfortunately allowed Rarity enough time to strike.

“Oh, don’t worry, Mister Roast.  If Twilight turns you into a frog, she can most certainly turn you back.”  She arched an eyebrow.  “It may require more kissing, however.”

There should have been a way to properly respond to that, but all Dry could think of was frogs.  “How did we get on this subject?”

“I have no idea.”  Rarity fixed him with a long look, shook her head, and got a book out of her bag.  It seemed to be a prompt, so Dry Roast reached into his own bag with his magic and got out a book too, although he was not paying it too much attention.  It did get his attention when Rarity glanced over at the book, then up at him, then down at the book again.

“I see Twilight has been a naughty influence on your reading material.”

Dry Roast took a long look at the open book in front of him, took a few seconds to put the complicated drawing of limbs and body parts into context, and promptly slapped it closed afterward.  “I didn’t pack this,” he added in a weak attempt at an excuse.  “I don’t think Twilight did either.  Luna must have snuck it into my bags while I was over at the castle, working on Twilight’s equipment.”

Rarity raised one eyebrow.

“Her coffee equipment,” clarified Dry Roast.

He hesitated, then decided to go ahead and spill the coffee beans, since talking about it would most certainly help.  It took a few minutes for Dry Roast to carefully detail his morning, or at least all he could remember out of it.

The explanation must have at least made more sense hearing than it did from his end of the conversation, because Rarity’s eyebrow eventually returned to its normal elevation, she made a considerate noise, and returned to her own book.  Unable to retreat in that fashion, Dry simply leaned back on the bench and tried to figure out when his world had gotten so complicated.

Ponyville.  Maybe it’s something in the water.  Like hydras.  Or frogs.

After about an hour, Rarity looked up from her book and asked, “What are you thinking about, Mister Roast?”

“Nothing, really.”  Dry shrugged.  “Stallions do that, you know.”

“Mmm…”  Putting her book back into her bag, Rarity pulled out her sketchbook and began to draw with frequent glances in his direction.  From the scissors and needles poking out of the bag, there was an entire arsenal of fashion weaponry hidden inside, and Dry Roast had a good idea who the target of the eventual destruction was going to be.

“Am I going to be wearing something embarrassing at this fashion show?”

“No, of course not,” murmured Rarity while not slowing her sketching even for a moment.  “Why would you think of such a thing?”