//------------------------------// // 9. Shut Up And Pour // Story: Her Royal Morning Coffee // by Georg //------------------------------// Her Royal Morning Coffee Shut Up And Pour ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ The train trip seemed to Dry Roast to be less than a date, but perhaps a persimmon, or maybe a lemon.  He had not even gotten to get a good look at Rainbow Dash’s outfit for the Canterlot Spring Flower Festival before being stuffed into his own suit, hustled into the train, and assigned a seat by Rarity.  Said rump plunking spot seemed to be suspiciously close to Princess Twilight Sparkle and away from both his supposed date and any nearby doors he could flee out of, but Dry Roast screwed up his courage, tried not to be embarrassed at just bringing coffee for himself, and persevered. Despite Rarity sprinkling little bits of monologue through their conversation that showed more research into his background than he was comfortable with. “How interesting,” said Rarity.  “I had no idea you were working on an advanced degree in Alchemy at the Maresachusetts Institute of Technological Magic.  Whatever made you abandon your thirst for knowledge and move to Ponyville?” “The school and I came to a mutual understanding,” admitted Dry Roast. “Huh.”  Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her mane with one wing.  “Same thing happened to me with weather school.  What did you blow up?” “Um…”  Dry Roast did not want to admit it, but the fact was probably already in Rarity’s little list she was hiding behind one hoof.  “It’s not so much what we blew up.  It’s more what we blew down.  You know how you’re not supposed to flush certain chemicals like catalysts down the sink in a lab?” Rainbow Dash nodded.  “Yeah, because they corrode the bottoms out of the clouds and drip all over whatever Cloudsdale is over at the time.” “Or they mix.”  Dry Roast paused.  “Do I have to go any further?” “No,” said Rainbow Dash. “Yes,” said Rarity. Twilight Sparkle said nothing, but just remained where she was while stewing in a sullen silence. “Anyway,” continued Dry, “the north wing of the Advanced Alchemy building doesn’t really line up with the south wing any more.  But they got to put in an extra basement at almost no charge.” Spike abruptly spoke up.  “Hey, Twilight did that once with—” “Spike!” admonished Twilight Sparkle. “Sorry.”  He waited a moment until Twilight returned to her intense glower at the floor of the train before miming a little explosion with his claws, with a wriggling of his fingers that most probably indicated flames. ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ Some time later when the interrogation/conversation had thinned out enough for Dry to get up and stretch his legs, Spike called him over to a place in the car where their voices would not be overheard.  He glanced around and lowered his voice anyway, and seemed to be genuinely concerned about something or somepony in particular. “You’ve got that look,” said Spike rather cryptically. “What look?” “That look that every stallion who ever dates one of the girls gets.” “There have been others?”  Dry Roast paused at Spike’s smug expression.  “Did any of them survive?” Spike chuckled into one fist.  “Nopony has died yet.”  He thought for a moment.  “Although the stallion who tried to date Applejack caught a bad case of country fever, and the one dating Pinkie did spend a few weeks in an institution.” “Mental?” “No, a baking school.  He’s in Las Pegasus right now, making Air Eclairs.” It seemed only rational to Dry Roast.  “Sweet to eat and low in calories, I’ll bet.” “Yeah, but that’s not the point.  You like Twilight, right?” After a quick glance to make sure the alicorn in question was not lurking behind him, Dry Roast waved a hoof.  “What’s not to like?  All of the mares of the Elements of Harmony, the most famous group of ponies in like ever, are likable.  Except for Rarity,” he added.  “As beautiful as she is, I understand she’s taken.” “Darned right,” muttered Spike.  He coughed and raised his voice.  “So are you really interested in Rainbow Dash?” “Not really,” admitted Dry Roast with a shrug.  “She’s cute and a real fireball at the gym.  Throws me around like a sack of beans on the mat.  But there’s nothing really in common between us.  She just invited me to this flower festival thing—” “Canterlot Spring Flower Festival,” corrected Spike.  “Mostly tulips and important ponies standing around with tiny little drinks.” “Yeah.  She did it just to see Twilight and me kiss.” “So why didn’t you say no?” asked Spike with the innocent sincerity of the very young. There was a long, open-mouthed pause before Dry Roast cautiously put forward, “It would have been rude?” “Yeah, speaking of rude,” grumbled Spike.  “Can I get you to talk to Lyra?  She says Luna said since Twilight was sleepwalking when the kiss started, the pool is still open.” “And it can stay open,” said Dry.  “I’m here as a friend and casual date for Rainbow Dash, that’s all.” ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ “So, I heard you’ve been seeing my sister.” Shining Armor looked oddly normal for a Prince of the Crystal Empire and former Captain of the Royal Guard for Canterlot.  He was not sharpening a sword, or leading a squad of soldiers against an enemy of Equestria (of which Dry was fairly certain a barista in Ponyville qualified as).  Instead, he was carrying a drink with a little tulip-shaped umbrella in it, much the same as all the rest of the ponies in the decorated ballroom, including decorated elderly veterans and well-dressed young socialites. Not that Dry Roast wanted to see any violence mar the festivities of the Canterlot Spring Flower Festival, particularly any directed at him.  It was just oddly peaceful compared to the mental picture Dry had of his first meeting with Twilight Sparkle’s big brother.  Putting it down to a reluctance on Shining Armor’s part to commit murder with this many witnesses, Dry tried not to knock back the rest of his drink and instead gave a weak smile. “It is a little difficult to miss Ponyville’s resident princess.” “That’s not quite what I meant.”  Shining Armor took another drink without looking at Dry, which after a moment’s contemplation, made him just about the only pony in the large reception hall who was not keeping an eye on the two of them, perhaps in the hopes of seeing something more exciting and bloody than their present activities.  They were doomed to disappointment if Dry had anything to say about it.  And he did. “That’s as much as I’m going to admit to you,” said Dry, which was what he had been thinking, but not what he was intending on saying.  “I’m actually here as Rainbow Dash’s date,” he added quickly, hoping to open some metaphorical space between him and Her Highness, Princess of Pre-Dawn Pecking. “So the two of you are just friends?” asked Shining Armor.  “Officially.” “I wouldn’t even go that far,” admitted Dry.  He hesitated for a moment, then decided to put everything on one roll of the dice since Shining Armor was Twilight’s brother, and Dry Roast’s own brothers had enough blackmail material on him for a lifetime.  “She’s been sleepwalking into my coffee shop before dawn for well over a year, almost two now.  I don’t think she’s seen me while awake until just this week.” Don’t mention the kissing, don’t mention the kissing… For one moment, Shining Armor just stood there.  Then small hints of a smile broke out on his face, along with a suspicious tremble down his ribs much as if he were suppressing a belly laugh.  “You don’t say,” he eventually managed. “Family trait?” asked Dry. “Oh, no.”  Shining Armor made a warding motion with one hoof as if he were attempting not to get something smelly or sticky on his good jacket.  “No, no, no.  This is all Twiley.  Dad found her once down in the kitchen, eating the next day’s coffee grounds out of the percolator.  She still claims Dad is making it up because he didn’t get a picture.” Dry thought about that for a moment, then asked the question that seemed to logically follow, given Twilight Sparkle’s genetic tendencies.  “So what happened the next time when he remembered the camera?” “Denial.  Claims of photo editing.  Pranks.  Shapechanging space aliens, although that seemed a lot more funny at the time,” said Shining Armor.  “Twenty page papers detailing the impossibility of the photograph details, including circles around misplaced shadows and lines showing where the negatives were spliced together.  I thought it would go away after she became Princess Celestia’s student.  We didn’t hear anything about her sleepwalking, other than one really odd report from Joe’s Donuts and a few guards who regularly saw her staggering down to the Night Kitchen.” Shining Armor shook his head with a cascade of softly flowing mane that gave Dry a suspicious twinge of envy about his own short and tangled mane, which even Rainbow Dash’s conditioner struggled to keep controlled.  “Night Guard coffee is only one step up from sludge.  It doesn’t really so much dissolve sugar cubes as melts them into submission.  And don’t leave a spoon in it overnight or all you’ll wind up with is a stub.” “Sounds like the faculty lounge in the Maresachusetts Institute of Technological Magic.”  Now it was Dry’s turn to shake his head.  “I thought my faculty advisor was holding me back in grad school just to keep me trapped making him coffee.  I wound up having to charge him out the flank to keep the other professors from joining in.  That’s why when I was… asked to leave the institution, I decided to take the first opportunity I could find in the newspapers.  My parents cosigned for my coffee shop loan and I was in business within a month.  It was the only job I knew for certain I was good at.” “So why Ponyville?” asked Shining Armor.  His drink was empty, but he seemed to be honestly interested in what Dry was saying, which was an improvement over the way Dry had expected the conversation to go, and involved less ‘being pounded.’ Dry Roast shrugged.  “It was cheap.  Something about a giant space-bear tromping through the center of town.  The previous owner sold Java Le Choza to me for a song.  Well, not literally,” he added, thinking of the time he had used that phrase on Pinkie Pie. “Java Le Choza?”  Shining Armor gained a particular quirk to his lips and another set of subdued twitches to his barrel.  “You actually named it that?” “What?”  Dry frowned and thought back to his Old Equish.  “The Java Hut.  It was named that way when I bought it from Old Bean Knobby, and I kept the name to keep the townsponies comfortable, even though I updated it with a franchise from Starbuckers.  Some of the equipment he had was coal-powered.  I’ll bet Luna would have been able to operate it, but I prefer my equipment to have been made in the last century or so.” Shining Armor’s cheeks were nearly concave and his lips were drawn into a straight line by the time Dry Roast had finished speaking, although a few small snorts of humor leaked out through his nose. At least I’m entertaining. Then the most peculiar thing happened.  Shining Armor abruptly stopped laughing, paused for just a second, and shot a look in the direction of the Princess of the Night, who was most of the way across the room.  Dry Roast followed his eyes, and caught Luna looking back while running just the tip of her dark tongue across her lips, much as if she had spotted a delicious piece of chocolate on the buffet.  It was only for a moment, then she turned back to her conversation with Shining Armor’s expectant spouse, Her Royal Pregnant Pinkness, and exchanged a few whispered words. Then a second peculiar thing happened.  Princess Cadence looked straight at Dry Roast with an expression of absolute glee, passed the same look on to the unsuspecting Twilight Sparkle, who happened to be facing a different direction at the moment, then moved closer to Luna to continue their previous conversation in much quieter whispers. “That’s odd,” said Dry once Shining Armor had turned to look in his direction again.  “Any idea what that was all about?” “No,” said Shining Armor, although with a pensive, thoughtful expression, much like Dry Roast’s own brothers used when they were hiding something. “Huh.”  Dry Roast finished off the last of his drink.  “Oh, well.  I’ll ask her about it tomorrow morning at work.” “Work?” echoed Shining Armor. “I’m surprised you haven’t heard,” said Dry.  “Princess Luna has been working at my coffee shop in the early mornings.  I think she’s using it as a way to meet the locals and get familiarized with modern life.” Dry Roast had not really wanted to spread the news around, and in hindsight it sounded a little as if Dry was trying to hide behind her wings to avoid some well-deserved thumping in a juvenile way of “If you hit me, I’m telling Mom!” “Oh.”  Shining Armor nipped the tulip out of his empty drink and chewed it thoughtfully, then gave Dry Roast the most peculiar top-to-bottom look as if he were evaluating him for a Royal Guard application.  “Has Princess Luna ever…” After waiting an excessive amount of time for Shining Armor to continue, Dry Roast decided to pick up the conversational thread.  “She’s been the perfect princess at work, other than taking a little too much joy in my embarrassment whenever your sister drops by.  I think she just gets a little lonely at the castle in the early hours of the morning and is looking for a little companionship.” Shining Armor gave a noncommittal grunt which would have made Dry a little less nervous if he did not also look as smug as somepony with a vastly amusing little tidbit of information that he was just dying to share.  Instead, the prince made a brief excuse before nodding, then slipped away into the crowd, leaving Dry stranded in the middle of the social event. It did give him a few minutes before the next group of well-dressed ponies wandered in his direction, and Dry used that time to check on where his date had flown off to, as well as the location of the rest of the Elements of Harmony.  They were all ‘socialing’ as much as expected, although Princess Twilight Sparkle seemed to be having a miserable time, despite having obviously been primped and prepared by her friends for this occasion.  Little bits of her mane kept popping up at random, and she just… twitched whenever anypony talked to her. She did calm down somewhat as the day went on and the group went through the Flower Festival festivities, although with his position beside Rainbow Dash and Rarity’s extravagant gowns, Dry felt a little like a burlap sack full of raw beans next to a dozen elaborate paper sacks of gourmet coffee.  Thankfully, the Canterlot social scene had not yet ‘twigged’ to the rumors about Twilight Sparkle and her mystery suitor. Un-thankfully, Dry had never really considered the backlash of showing up as the ‘Plus-One’ to Rainbow Dash, the famous, flamboyant, rainbow-colored pegasus.  The worst reaction from his fellow flower festival folk turned out to be from a certain fantasy following among other pegasi of both genders who had their own idea about who should properly occupy his position.  Tails were ‘accidentally’ flipped into his face more times than he would care to count, and he began to recognize a particular sneer and cutting tone of voice accompanying the most jealous ponies.  On the flip side, there were a surprising number of ponies who honestly seemed overjoyed that Rainbow Dash had ‘touched ground’ with a male pony and took great friendly glee in rubbing her nose in previous statements about ‘flying solo’ and ‘not dating anypony unless they were as awesome as herself.’ Dry Roast had never thought of himself as awesome in any fashion.  Well, other than the trail of destruction he left behind whenever experimenting with any reagents more volatile than coffee beans.  The festival was awesome, though.  It was really a unique sensation to sample the various delicious spring flower petals alongside Equestria’s heroes and actually get to officially meet three other Princesses of Equestria, even though Luna was considerably quieter and more subdued in her mountain home, and Celestia barely acknowledged his existence with a glance while talking to several other ponies.  Thankfully. The whole trip blurred together until they were traveling back to the train station, and then on the way back to Ponyville in the afternoon.  Dry, of course, took a detour into the dining car, then wandered back into the car where the six mares were happily chatting afterward.  Well, five of the mares were chatting while Twilight sat brooding to one side with her eyes closed in somewhat of a sullen slump as if she were trying to take a nap, without even a book in front of her. “Hey, Lovercolt,” teased Rainbow Dash.  “You’re not sneaking off with some other mare, are you?” “Just the lady who was guarding the train’s coffee machine,” said Dry, floating a number of steaming cups out from behind him in his magic.  “Hot cocoa with onyx sprinkles for Spike.” “Thank you, sir.” Spike took the foam cup and drank deeply despite the bubbles of steam still coming up from the bottom.  “Still boiling, just like I like it.” “And a cup of marshmallows with some cocoa in it for Pinkie Pie,” said Dry while floating another cup over.  “White chocolate frappuccino for the beautiful Rarity, plain coffee with just a few drops of cider for Applejack,” he continued. “Just right,” said Applejack after a long, appreciative sniff. “Double-sorghum syrup for Rainbow, oh, and give this to Twilight for me, please,” said Dry after pulling out two coffees and floating them over to the pegasus.  “And a hot carrot juice with two straws for Angel and Fluttershy,” he finished. “What did you get?” asked Rainbow Dash while hoofing the coffee over to the snoozing Twilight, who accepted her coffee out of reflex and took a deep sniff, with her eyes remaining closed and a low moan of appreciation. Then the reaction that Dry was expecting happened.  Twilight Sparkle made a lighting-like grab that captured an unsuspecting Rainbow Dash behind the neck.  Lips first, she leaned forward and promptly planted a princess-powered pucker right on Rainbow’s unprepared mouth complete with a sudden ‘Urk!’ of surprise from both the kiss-ee and the kiss-er when Twilight opened her eyes. “Itdidn’thappen!” squeaked Twilight as she recoiled backwards almost out the window of the train. “Itsuredid!” replied Rainbow, who had almost made the exact same distance in her backwards leap to the other side of the train car. Dry Roast checked his watch.  “Are we still in your section of the pool, Spike?” He looked up to see Spike making a frantic negating motion with both hands. “Pool?”  Princess Twilight Sparkle turned slowly in his direction, her horn lowering to point directly between Dry Roast’s eyes.  “What pool?” ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ Confession was good for the soul, and it kept Dry Roast’s hide fairly intact too.  If he had to be put in the doghouse for spilling the beans about the kissing pool, at least he had Pinkie Pie in there with him to use as cover, and Rainbow Dash from ‘guilt by association.’  It actually turned out to be more funny than humiliating, because Pinkie Pie would mirror Twilight’s lecture on responsibility behind her back with identical posturing and facial contortions until one of her friends would burst out laughing and Twilight would spin around to see what was so funny, only to have Rainbow duplicate her gestures on the other side. After the third time, Twilight put Spike in their little lecture group too, even though he was innocent. By the time the train pulled into the Ponyville station, they were all in the proverbial doghouse, including one of the train conductors who happened to be making his rounds at the wrong time. “That was fun!” declared Rainbow Dash once the prisoners had been marched out onto the Ponyville train station platform and the conductor managed to slip back onto the train.  “We should do that again sometime.  You’re actually not such a bad date, Dry.” “You know,” started Applejack with a speculative rubbing of her chin, “Pinkie and I’ve got this here conference on machinery coming up next week in Coltana Falls.  Since Big Mac is holding down the farm while I’m gone, and ah don’t think taking Apple Bloom along would be very beneficial to our insurance rates, it wouldn’t be too bad if’n Pinkie and I had someone along with us who knows their widgets.” “The Cakes were looking for a new oven,” said Pinkie Pie as she bounced along.  “Since I accidently used the last one to make a huuuuumungous cake that might have squished all through the innards of the old one and left everything that it bakes smelling a little like burnt coconut, which isn’t bad if you’re cooking something with coconut, but everypony is getting a little tired of the taste of coconut in everything we bake.” “Are you sure—”  Dry Roast looked up overhead where Rainbow Dash was gliding along, only to have the speedy pegasus wave a dismissive hoof at him. “Don’t sweat it.  I’d be more than happy to loan Dry out to you two.  Somepony’s gotta keep you girls out of trouble, after all.” “Then I suppose I can,” said Dry Roast, rubbing his chin briefly like Applejack.  “I’ve had enough issues with the bean grinder at the shop that checking out what the industry is up to wouldn’t be such a bad idea.” “And I have a fashion show in Manehattan in two weeks,” said Rarity with a distant gleam in her eye.  “Spike is busy and it has been so difficult to find a proper gentlecolt for an escort, preferably one who would not gossip about any indiscretions they might possibly discover during the event that I had considered simply going solo.  Would you consider an overnight trip to the fashion center of Equestria, Mister Roast?” “Err…”  Dry looked up at Rainbow Dash, then over at the two earth ponies, then back over to Rarity.  “I feel like a time-share.  Not that I wouldn’t be proud to be seen with you, Miss Rarity, but don’t you think having me show up with so many of the Elements of Harmony at social functions could be considered…” “Outré?”  Rarity fluttered her eyelashes at him.  “Why, whatever could you mean, Mister Roast?  Oh, wait!  Wait!”  She turned to Spike and used her magic to gently remove the suit jacket he had been wearing, folding it carefully and placing it on her back.  With a beaming smile, she addressed the little dragon and said, “Spikie, I know it’s been a long day, and I need to get all of the girls’ outfits properly put away for when they’re needed again.  Could you run along to the castle and get Twilight’s bath all set up for her and get a small meal prepared so when she’s done at the boutique, she can just go back to the castle and go to bed?  It would mean so much.” “It would?”  Spike’s smile grew radiant.  “You bet, Rarity!”  He took off just as fast as his little feet would carry him, vanishing into the distance with nothing left behind but a puff of dust. “That was both thoughtful and creepy at the same time,” mused Dry Roast while watching the little dragon go. “I’m with him,” grumbled Twilight, turning in the direction of her distant castle. “No!  Twilight, wait!” said Rarity, scurrying over to put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder only to recoil at the obvious dustprint it would leave on the delicate fabric.  “That gown is nearly all chiffon!  It needs to be cared for, eased off the shoulders, and cleaned with only the most delicate of touches or it will wrinkle up into a giant ball of snags, like the last gown I made for you.” Princess Twilight Sparkle froze.  “It wasn’t that bad.” Rarity tapped one hoof.  The rest of her friends wisely remained silent.  So did Dry.  He could take a hint. “It only snagged a little,” protested Twilight.  “Around the hems.  And the wings.  Most of the damage came from when I washed it.  You didn’t say anything about not letting Spike dry it.” Rarity did not say a word.  Her expression was doing all of the speaking for her. “Arightifyouinsist,” muttered Twilight, turning toward the nearby boutique. “So glad you can listen to reason,” said Rarity with only the slightest hint of the vindication she surely must have been feeling.  “Perhaps we can even sit around the kitchen table and have a few drinks.  Fancypants sent a most tempting bottle of pink champagne, and your brother included several small bottles of crystal berry white whine.  If you put your ear up to the bottle, you can even hear it.” Rarity produced a small white bottle with frost on it and held it up in the middle of the group while they walked.  As she said, it was emitting a high-pitched noise much like a child being denied sweets, only softer. “Sure as shooting does look like you need to let your mane down a little, sugarcube,” said Applejack.  “Just one little drink with your friends’ll help with that.” “And that’s my cue to run,” said Dry Roast.  “It’s never just one little drink, and I really don’t want to find out—” “Finish that sentence,” growled Twilight with her head down and a faint ominous glimmer around the base of her horn.  “Go ahead.” “You may return home once I have properly extracted you out of your suit, Mister Roast,” said Rarity, over the sudden snorting chuckles out of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.  “The rest of us will carry on without you, but sometime later, Twilight, we really all need to sit down and discuss things between you and Mister Roast.” “What things?” protested Dry Roast.  “How about… the day after never?” “I don’t care,” snapped Twilight Sparkle.  “All I want is for all of us to go over to Rarity’s and get these clothes off so we can all go to bed!” There was an intense silence in their vicinity, and when Dry Roast looked up, he could see at least a dozen ponies who were all looking in their direction.  Every one of them seemed to have heard Twilight’s outburst, and about half seemed willing to inquire directly as to the details. ~ ~ ☕ ~ ~ After a brief visit to the Carousel Boutique just barely long enough to be stripped of his suit and escape back out the door, Dry Roast pointed his nose to home and let out a yawn.  Morning was going to come around awfully early, and whenever he had one of his employees open and close the store, the next day was always trouble with things needing to be put back where they belonged and little details which should have been taken care of before blossoming out of control. Conservatively, it would take him five days to clean up the store after a day’s absence.  If he ever took off a month, Dry expected to find nothing but a smoking crater when he returned.  Literally, if Ponyville was half as bad as its history had demonstrated. He did take a quick pass by the coffee shop just in case, and was somewhat relieved to find it still intact. His little brother Rain Check was home early from work, and greeted his big brother the moment he walked in the door with a hearty back-slap and associated leer, which only grew once Dry’s upcoming schedule was revealed.  It was probably a little bit of little brother/big brother payback from when they were smaller, and the difference of two years much more pronounced.  He took the ribbing about becoming a paid male escort for the Elements of Harmony in stride, as it seemed to be a much more survivable job than Royal Smoocher for the Princess of Slumber, which ever one of the two that was.  After an hour out on the sun-warmed balcony while reading to calm himself down, Dry Roast settled down in his own bed, closed the curtains, and closed his eyes. Then he got back up, locked his bedroom door, latched the windows, and returned to the bed with slightly more reassurance about being in the same place when he woke up the next morning.