Her Royal Morning Coffee
Bring On The Night (mare)
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
From the number of sideways glances he was receiving from Ponyville residents out walking the streets in the warm afternoon sun, Dry Roast was starting to think he was walking to his execution instead of just over to the crystal castle where Princess Twilight Sparkle lived. After all, the cat was out of the bag now since Princess Luna knew of his nocturnal nuzzling, and his goose was truly cooked. All of his worry about witnesses was small potatoes now.
Thankfully, the condemned stallion had his own coffee machine, so if he was walking to his doom, he was bringing a coffee for himself. He wanted to be awake for the event, even if his mind kept tying itself up in trite, overused phrases to keep from thinking about his ultimate fate.
The castle looked a lot larger from up close, all bright and shining in the sun, and the front door seemed to be a lot thicker than he expected too. The inhabitants probably would not even hear him knocking and he could go on home without facing the music.
Taking a sip of coffee to steel his nerves, Dry Roast tapped on the door with one hoof, making slightly more noise than a grain of windblown sand might make on impact.
“Well, nopony home.” He had just taken a relaxing breath when the door swung silently open and a cool breeze blew out, smelling of lilacs and vanilla. There was nopony (and no dragon) immediately inside the open doorway, so after a second quick peek, Dry eased the door closed again.
“This is probably a bad time for them. She’s probably spring cleaning or something. I’ll come back tomorrow.” He turned around to leave and stopped, since Princess Luna was standing right there, wearing a quirky smile.
“Then again, maybe it is a good time.” He turned around again and slipped in the castle door, keeping his eyes forward while pacing off into the bright hallways and corridors. A quick glance over his shoulder showed no royal followers, so he continued walking for a while, through the bright corridors and hallways. Then through the hallways, corridors, hallways, and stairs, all the while humming a funeral dirge under his breath and considering that perhaps he had not brought enough supplies for an expedition, and that if he did get lost in here, at least one pony knew where he had vanished and might send a search party after him.
“I should have brought some string,” he muttered before opening up yet another door. Instead of another empty room or perplexing corridor, it seemed to be a bathroom, mostly because it had a bathtub in it, and there was a small dragon in the tub, taking a bath.
They shared a long, silent moment before Spike spoke up and pointed with his bath brush.
“They’re four doors that way, take a left, and you’re right there.”
“Thank you.” Dry Roast gave an abbreviated bow and closed the door, now having directions to the last place in the universe he wanted to go.
He went there anyway.
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
“Princess Luna?” Dry Roast looked into the library and the two alicorns sitting quietly together, most probably discussing how best to dispose of the bodies of unwanted coffee shop owners. “I’m here,” he added redundantly while coming the rest of the way through the door and closing it after him.
Princess Luna looked calm and peaceful, but Twilight Sparkle glared back at him, only mellowing her fierce expression when she spotted the foam container of coffee hovering at his side. “Is that for me?”
“Yes, he is,” said Luna.
“No!” Dry Roast clutched his coffee in his forehooves. “I mean this is mine.”
Luna clucked her tongue while shaking her head. “Doth thou not know it is only proper to bring a princess a gift when you visit her castle?”
Dry Roast held up the cup. “Sorry. It has backwash.”
“Pass!” declared Twilight while making a face.
Luna turned slightly to regard her fellow alicorn with a raised eyebrows. “Thou didst not seem to be bothered by the touch of his mouth this morn.”
Twilight promptly blushed bright red, and so did Dry Roast.
Getting to her hooves in one slow motion, Princess Luna strolled past Dry Roast and through the door, calling back over her shoulder, “We shall await without while the two of you discuss your… relationship.”
“We don’t have a relationship,” protested Dry Roast, even though Luna had already left.
“I don’t know who you are,” said Twilight Sparkle. “How are we even supposed to have had a relationship?”
Dry Roast took a sip of coffee and cleared his throat. “I’m Dry Roast, the head barista at Java Le Choza.” He paused. “And owner.” He paused again. “Your Highness.” He paused again for a long time before adding, “Please don’t throw me in your dungeon.”
The concept seemed to upset Twilight, and she squinched up her face in what was probably supposed to be a scowl but only made her look cute. “We don’t even have a dungeon in this castle. Well, I don’t think we do. I haven’t had a chance to really look. But if we do, I’m not going to throw you in it for doing… whatever it was you did.”
“I didn’t do anything,” protested Dry. “Other than get—” He stopped cold while his lips felt hot. “Look, this is all a big misunderstanding. You’ve been sleepwalking at night for… a while and getting coffee at my shop. And paying for it.” He paused, looking for a reaction. “By the way, you still owe me fifteen bits for the frappuccino this morning.”
“What frappuccino?” Twilight Sparkle paused, then looked at the large and quite empty foam cup sitting near her cushion. “Oh, that one.” She paused again. “Look, I know this is all some sort of prank with Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash, so just admit it and we can go our separate ways.”
“Ok?” Dry Roast licked his lips. “Um. It was a prank.”
There was a very, very long pause while Twilight Sparkle just looked at him. “You’re a terrible liar. Which means—”
“I’m going to the dungeon?”
“No, don’t be silly. It means you’re either a changeling—”
Twilight’s horn lit up, there was a bright green flash, and then nothing. “Okay, you’re not a changeling.”
It seemed like good news, but he had to ask. “That’s good, right?”
“It would be the easy answer, but if you’re not a changeling, you’ve been brainwashed into thinking I’ve been sleepwalking around town and—” Twilight twitched “—kissing you.” She paused, looking contemplative. “By changelings, of course.”
Dry Roast let out a sigh of relief. “That’s good. I think. So you’re not going to throw me in the dungeon, right?”
“Of course not. I just need to get a few readings to see what kind of brainwashing spell you’re under.”
~ ~ ☕ ~ ~
For a secret lab in the basement of the Castle of Friendship, it certainly looked a lot like a dungeon to Dry Roast, including the table with the restraints and the giant helmet with a bunch of colored wires on it that Twilight Sparkle had strapped onto his head. She called it a multiordinal polyencephalograph, but he had another word for it that really was not suitable for polite company.
Somehow his coffee had followed them down to the dungeon/lab and was sitting calmly on a nearby table, which would have been fine if Dry had been able to use his magic to levitate it over to lubricate his dust-like dry throat, but the only thing coming out of his horn right now was sparks, and the occasional twinge of pain when Twilight Sparkle tuned her infernal machinery.
“Could I get something to drink, please?” asked Dry Roast.
Twilight did not seem to notice his question while writing furiously in a notebook, but she was muttering enough to be heard. “…subject is complaining of thirst, an indication of physical discomfort occurring as thaumaturgic circuit #14 was engaged. Possibly dark magic.”
Dry rasped through a suddenly dry throat, “On second thought, I’m fine.”
Not stopping writing for a moment, Twilight muttered, “Ah, switching circuits 17 and Beta Four reduced the subject’s desire for liquids. Consider the possibility of Old Atlanerius cerebral parasites causing a short in the cranial tissues. Might need a sample.”
He decided to remain silent for the rest of the testing, even when his coffee drifted across the room in Twilight’s magic and she took a drink while still scribbling away.
The sound of footsteps echoed around the room when the little dragon from before came scurrying down the stairs, calling out, “Twilight! I’ve been looking all over for you. Princess Luna says—” Spike came to an abrupt halt when he spotted Dry, took a speculative look at Twilight Sparkle who was still scribbling away, and seemed to come to a conclusion that Dry really didn't like. Step by step, Spike backed up the stairs and eased the door shut upstairs. Dry could just imagine the conversation that was inevitably going to follow.
“Rarity! Rarity!” Spike dashed into the Carousel Boutique and skidded to a halt in front of the busy unicorn, who was pinning a hem on a gown. “Twilight’s got some stallion tied up in her basement and is doing experiments on him!”
“Really?” Rarity took a few extra moments to ensure the hem was properly trimmed before turning to the little dragon. “I wouldn't worry, Spike. It’s all part of the circle of life for socially maladroit unicorns who sleepwalk. You see, when an alicorn such as Twilight develops feelings for a stallion, she first drives him insane and ties him to an immobile object before… Well, you probably should get Princess Celestia for the ceremony.”
Rarity used her magic to reach behind a partition and removed a pale cream wedding dress with violet highlights. “The poor thing is doomed, so we might as well get it over with while he retains a few shreds of sanity.”
“Well, that’s it. Are you ready for the next step?” Twilight Sparkle unhooked the restraints and removed the colorful basket of wires from his horn while Dry Roast blinked away the terrifying image.
“Shouldn’t we wait for Princess Celestia?” he stammered.
“Nooo,” said Twilight somewhat hesitantly. “Why would she want to do word association flashcards?”
“Oh!” Dry Roast lit up his magic and floated the foam cup to him, giving it a little shake. “Can I get some coffee first?”
“Hey, let go of my…” Twilight Sparkle slowed to a halt as realization swept over her, as well as a bright pink blush. “Oops.”
Feeling a little better at being out of the shackles, Dry tried to be dismissive. “Don’t sweat it. So…” He glanced around the dark, equipment-filled laboratory while she got out the cards. “Do you do this to all of your dates?”
“Date?” Twilight shuffled the cards a little faster, obviously uncomfortable with the word. “No, this isn’t a date. It’s a psychological examination to find the brainwasher who made you think I’ve been sleepwalking into your store and drinking your coffee.” She glanced at the empty cup. “And other things that I’m not doing.”
Dry Roast shook the empty cup.
Twilight Sparkle shuffled her cards faster. “One cup is only one data point. Besides, it’s an outlier. You would need a lot more points in a series to put forth any kind of plausible theory.”
Spike called down from somewhere above them. “Twilight, I brought you and your date some coffee. If you’re done playing with him, that is.”
“I’m not playing, Spike,” snapped Twilight while shuffling her flashcards even faster. “It’s research!”
The sound of draconic footfalls preceded Spike coming down the stairs, pausing to look over the room for perhaps any ‘games’ more mature than his young eyes should see, then coming down the rest of the way to the main floor. He placed a foam cup next to each of them and nodded at Dry Roast.
“Hello, Mister Roast. Rarity told me all about you. I don’t have the chocolate syrup or sprinkles for the coffee like you do, but I added extra sugar.”
“Thank you, Spike,” said Dry, trying to ignore the way Twilight Sparkle was hunched over, shuffling her cards faster than the last time he checked. He reached out one hoof and shook the offered clawed hand, then pointed at the Java Le Choza foam cups with a questioning expression.
“Yeah, I’ve been washing them out so we can get them recycled sometime,” said Spike. “We must have had fifty of them when the library oak got blown up.”
“Spike,” said Twilight in a low, threatening tone, “don’t you have something else—”
“...and we’ve got like twice as many upstairs now,” he continued. “Where are we supposed to take them to get recycled, Mister Roast?”
Twilight Sparkle’s deck of shuffling flash cards fairly exploded with cards flying everywhere.
Dry Roast ignored the rain of educational aids and just nodded back at the little dragon. “I’ll take—” A mental image flowed through his mind of him walking through town with a stack of empty cups from the castle, and just what ponies would think. “On second thought, just stack them somewhere and I’ll get them later.”
While Spike was jogging back upstairs, Dry picked up a loose card and put it on the table, then joined Twilight in a silent search for the rest of the perfectly randomized deck. After a certain amount of tense silence went by and most of the cards seemed to be located, he cleared his throat and said, “Nice lab.”
“Thanks,” muttered Twilight, using her magic to casually lift a piece of heavy equipment that he would not have even been able to shift, then retrieving the card from underneath it.
“Nice dragon,” added Dry Roast.
“Yes, he is.” Twilight dropped one last card on the stack and glared at it, as if daring it to be unshuffled after this much work.
While his jailer/experimental scientist arranged her clipboard, Dry took another look around the shadowed basement lab. “You don’t think Luna’s lurking around here?”
“Of course not.” She flipped over a card so she could see it. “Mountain.”
“Grown,” responded Dry.
There was another flip. “Rich.”
“Flavor.”
“Milk.”
“Creamer.”
“Dark.”
“Roast.”
“Death.”
“Head.”
“What?”
“Steam.” Dry Roast looked up at the puzzled alicorn. “What?”
“No, I mean why would you associate death with head?”
“Death Head Coffee. It’s one of the premium dark roasts with—”
“Never mind,” muttered Twilight before flipping up another card. “Cat.”
“Civet.”
Twilight Sparkle paused with the card held loosely in her magic field. “How is that related to coffee?”
“Why do you think that it’s related to coffee?” responded Dry. “I have other things in my life.”
Twilight gave him a long, stern gaze until Dry let out a breath.
“Kopi luwak coffee.”
She frowned. “What does that have to do with civet cats?”
“Well, the civet cats eat the coffee beans, and… Do I have to spell it out?”
“Yes!”
Resigned to his role, Dry said, “Well, the coffee beans pass through their digestive system and the outer part of the bean is cleaned off, so when it… eliminates the rest, they’re collected, cleaned, and—”
Twilight Sparkle bolted from her chair in wide-eyed panic and vanished into what could only have been a nearby bathroom, a convenient thing for a studious alicorn to have next to their secret laboratory, it seemed. While waiting for her return, Dry leafed through the remaining cards, sorting and arranging them while trying to figure out just what any of them actually had to do with mental health. He was just about to try to see if he could work out a game of solitaire with them when Twilight came stomping back into the room, plunked down on her chair, and yanked the deck of cards out of his magic.
“Cat poop coffee,” she growled in a flat, aggressive voice. “I’m going to start chaining myself to the bed.”
Dry shrugged. “It’s like a thousand bits a bag. I don’t have any at the store unless you’d like to special order some.”
Still sounding a little like she was growling under her breath, Twilight Sparkle gave the deck a quick shuffle and flipped over a card.
“Bed.”
She paused again, giving the innocent pasteboard card a look that by all means should have set it on fire and burned it to ash, then burned the ash to ash again. “We’re done here.”
Dry Roast stood and gave a short bow before heading for the stairs. “Thank you, Princess Sparkle. It has been a… interesting day.”
By the time he was back out in the sunshine, sipping from his foam coffee cup and headed for home, Dry was feeling a great sense of relief, much as if an alicorn-shaped sword had been taken away from overhead. Admittedly, he did not have the welcome possibility of a sleeping Princess Twilight Sparkle coming over in the morning any more for coffee and some sugar, but on the positive side, he did not have the unwelcome possibility of an angry Princess Twilight Sparkle coming over in the morning any more for coffee and some sugar.
It almost made him break into song, but he settled for a crisp skip to his stride and a pleasant smile for everypony he passed.
I’m just glad this is all over.