Dear Twilight Sparkle:
Ugh. I was having such a wonderful time banished to the sun. Peace and quiet, and no Twilight.
Oh well. If anything, I now have one more thing I can put on my petition to ban the Filly Decimal system. Druggies really have their uses.
And I've noticed that the royal guard kind of sucks. In fairness though, anything that's capable of taking down a full-grown alicorn is probably not going to be fazed by a couple of guards. Of course, this begs the question as to exactly why we even need a guard in the first place.
Oh yeah, that reminds me: you're actually right. Your brother was, and still is, making sweet, sweet love to your foalsitter. Hopefully that should be enough to scar you for life.
Anyway, I was hoping that your quest to find the elements in the deadly forest would lead you to get mauled by a manticore, but I guess that those other ponies had to follow you in. I can't say I blame them, though; nopony in their right mind would want a bitch like you to be the one to retrieve ponykind's last hope for salvation.
But let's make one thing perfectly clear: Unicorns are NOT the master race. That distinction goes to alicorns such as myself. We're basically pony gods, and we rule over the whole world. So next time you go on about how an earth pony sucked at helping you, remember that you'd suck at helping us.
One thing that your letter has made clear, however, is that the drug problem is worse than I had imagined. Between Pinkie Pie laughing at trees, the rest of you being afraid of those trees (Seriously? Trees can't even attack you!), and that weirdo sea serpent, it's like drugs have infested every corner of the world.
Of course, your existence is more than enough to justify cutting spending on drug law enforcement.
And of course, there were the elements themselves. In an ideal world, Nightmare Moon would have killed you before you figured out how they worked. Unfortunately, this isn't an ideal world, and you manged to use five random ponies to make my sister taste the rainbow. I'm glad I got back when I did, otherwise you'd probably try to kill her.
So, there we go. If you hadn't already decided to stay in Ponyville, I'd probably have forced you to leave Canterlot anyway. In any case, I'm not going to miss you. On the other hoof, your constant letters are going to be more than a bit annoying.
Then again, I might be able to have some fun with that...
Your former Teacher, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: I need a new student, so I'm taking your old Smarty Pants Doll.
No! Not my Smarty Pants doll!
Smarty Pants is a better student anyway!
Due to recent events, and mostly because I would look bad if I didn't let you come, you are formally invited (but discouraged) to attend Princess Smarty Pant's coronation.
If you do come, stay away from my cloud cake. Your flank is wide enough as it is.
Your ever
spitefulloving dictator, Princess Celestia.Smarty Pants is the best student ever.
3636573
And a better princess, too.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Good. But there is one very small error.
Wouldn't ponies say "on the other hoof?" or is that invalid by the fact it's an expression? All in all very good though
3812112 But that will make Lyra sad!
I like how, in a trolling sort of way, Celestia is actually the good guy in this story!
'Unfortunately, this isn't an ideal world, and you manged to use five random ponies to make my sister taste the rainbow.'
Send that to different people on kik or something and see their response
Celestia really made a good point, alicorns are higher in the rankings.
Here is how I see it:
1. Alicorns.
2. Unicorns.
3. Griffons
4. Pegasi.
5. Minotaurs.
6. Earth ponies.
7. Donkeys.
8. Cows.
9. Goats.
10. Pigs.
11. Dragons.
KBO.
One can only hope that Disgruntled Twilight is actually receiving these letters from Celestia. Though to be honest, Celestia had years before sending her to Ponyville to tell the Twibitch that she's too big for her britches, so it probably wouldn't get through anyway.
Actually, I wondered for a while before reading these Responses if this universe's Celestia might have actually been a benevolent ruler like the one we've seen in canon, but only going along with the bitchy tyrant act just to fuck with Twilight. Considering that Letters is mostly in the POV of the Mane 6, Twilight especially, I was curious as to how that might've played out. Oh well, two chapters in and this already looks very promising.
4154843 Where is the Apple Family on this list? They are their own race, and I am sure they'd be last for the racist inbred hicks they are.
4154843 damn, diamond dogs and changelings really got the shaft. breezies... well no surprise there.
4154843
No, #4: changeling.
True
I swear to god if you do that with tirek im going to murder you Nice and slow pinkie pie style
Unfortunately, I doubt that
TwibitchTwilight reads these at all.Here's to hoping Celestia isn't the worthless, arrogant,
bitchdisrespectful and unkind pony that Twilight's letters make her seem.White Bitch, your apple takes after you-crib robber.
HAHAHAHAHA THESE LETTERS ARE CLUSTERFUCKS ON THEIR OWN!! Priceless.
Sorry. Every Dwarf knows that trees are giant creatures with hundreds, possibly a thousand hit points, have many limbs, and fighting against them -- even if you die from an infection from a splinter -- is considered honorable and protects you from winding up in Hel's domain. :-)
LOL
IM DYING