Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by keaton-furman-prower

The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone

Author's Note:

Original letter here.

Dear Diary:

Today the threat-detection radar thing on my table map went off, pointing in the direction of Griffonstone. Naturally, I was kind of pissed about this. After all, Griffonstone is a dump so terribly broken and corrupt that it makes Ponyville looks like Hayven on earth in comparison. Not only is everything falling apart, but the locals are corrupt, greedy assholes who will take any opportunity they can to take advantage of you.

Fortunately, after a series of redirections that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me, the map began to display only the cutie marks of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Then, when those two nitwits arrived, I gave them a flowery account of how beautiful Griffonstone was and what a rich and honorable history it had.

Note that, thanks to my clever use of the past tense, I never had to lie to them. Griffonstone was once a shining example of everything a civilization should aspire to, and so I could tell them everything about how it used to be in its golden age in order to get them excited about the journey ahead. Then, with a little luck, whatever horrible threat is awaiting them in Griffonstone will eat them before they can ever suspect my treachery.

It’s absolutely brilliant. I will get out of monster-hunting duty, and the town junkie and attention whore will both die horribly. Good riddance.

~Twilight Sparkle

---

Dear Pinkie:

Your boyfriend is a rock.
He’s sort of a jock,
But comes from fine stock,
And has a fine cock.

~Maud Pie.

---

Why, I wonder, am I stuck here?

Mistress Pinkie left me here to help her bake her cake. But how can I help her bake when I cannot even lift a mere whisk?

Indeed, there is so little I can do to help her. She bounces, skips, and even flies with such boundless energy. And yet all I can do is stare off into the endless void, unable to assist her with even the most minute of duties. Why does she care for me so deeply? Me, who cannot even help her with the preparation of a mere cake?

Mistress Pinkie has gone out on an adventure with her rainbow-maned friend. I can only imagine what she will do. And yet, throughout it all, she will prevail as she always does, with her inmeasurable and boundless energy. And she expects me to have her cake ready when she arrives. But I am incapable of fulfilling that desire. How can I ever face her knowing how deeply I have failed?

I have no hooves, and I must bake.

Comments

[gcwg57]

the last line made me think of, "I have no mouth and I must scream"

[TDR]

Gummy.... BRILLIANT!!!!

[milesprower06]

Gummy was absolutely perfect.

[JimboTex]

Who knew that Gummy was a fan of Harlan Ellison?

Also, I think we found the perp who left the vaginal secretions on the statue of King Grover.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Came for the letter, stayed for the Gummy.

[SpacePaladin]

I wonder if my comment in the other thread served as the inspiration for Maud's letter, or if I just went for the obvious joke.

[Cerulean Voice]

6204191
^
I'm glad to finally see someone use Gummy in a fic this way.

[Neko Majin C]

My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Unfortunately by the time Skittles and Bazooka Joe got to Griffonstone, Arimaspi had been dead for centuries. And for some reason, that kite, Gilda, was less than worthless in finishing them off. She probably got distracted by some shiny bits.

If you need to punish me, I understand. I will be in the dungeon.

Not the fun one.

Signed your loyal slave and whipping boy,
Neko Majin C.

---

---

---

~KBO.

[keaton-furman-prower]

6204719 Yes.

[SpacePaladin]

6206715 (Overdramatic fist shake) Damn you Kosh!

[ShadowLDrago]

Dear Pinkie:
Your boyfriend is a rock.
He’s sort of a jock,
But comes from fine stock,
And has a fine cock.
~Maud Pie.

Oh god the implications.

[Crazy the Clone]

Canon Twilight would probably berate IrriTwilight's ears off for hours if she read that diary entry.