THE FOAL FREE PRESS
RAMPAGING DRAGON ATTACK CAUSES GREAT TRAGEDY AT BBBFF CONCERT!
Today, just a few hours after the coronation of Princess Twilight Sparkle, a disaster fell upon the BBBFF anniversary tour. A humongous purple dragon stampeded through the venue, causing massive death and destruction. Although the exact numbers have yet to be confirmed, the estimated death toll sits at 2000 ponies.
The dragon, who had been screaming about how he was now doomed to be a slave to a sex goddess forever, was defeated when it accidentally snorted a wayward group of breezies, but not before it was able to kill thousands, including four of the five band members.
“I’m incredibly lucky to have made it out alive,” says Shining Armor, the only surviving member of BBBFF, better known by his stage name ‘Francis Sparkle.’ “Cadance was arguing that, since my sister is now poised to overthrow the Solar Empire, we should escape to the Crystal Empire and close off all communications with the outside world. I disagreed, if only because I had my band members who needed me. Now that they’re all dead, though, I have nothing left here.”
“And Twily,” he adds. “If you’re reading this, stay the hell away from me.”
“Yeah,” says Cadance. “Auntie Celestia, we’re going to leave forever. Please stay out.”
While there seems to be no risk of further dragon attacks, ponies are already petitioning Princess Celestia to create giant robots to fight off the kaiju menace. The Princess has refused, however, stating that the taxpayer bits required to create such a machine would be better spent on building walls, which would be far more effective at keeping monsters out.
Stay tuned as we reveal more information concerning the danger of the gypsy bard Pie, as well as the recent debate over the ownership of the Golden Oaks Library.
Blame this on a comment made by milesprower06 on the original letter.
Oh, and Guillermo del Toro, I guess.
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When I saw that movie I wanted to scream about the walls, I mean how would that even work??
4215662
Maybe they think it works on Attack on Titan rules.
Goddamnit Guillermo del Toro. Where the hell is my Hellboy 3?
At first I thought the giant robots was a Titanfall reference, but then I read about the wall, and then thought Attack on Titan, which I have not seen.
4215662
The answer is that it DIDN'T. I mean, did you even watch the movie?
4215759 Funny. I thought the fact that I mentioned the kaiju menace, "the danger of the gypsy bard Pie" and Guillermo del Toro was a dead giveaway.
4215839 It was, to some extent.
Did that work out in Pacific Rim? Or in Attack on Titan?
When did he become Cadance's slave?!
4228187 Since Cadance decided to isolate Crystal Methville from the rest of Equestria, Celestia promoted Twilight to Acting Sex Goddess
4228394
She's been more of a rape goddess if you ask me.
Who would not want to be the sex slave of a beautiful sex goddess like Twilight? I would happily take the abuse if it meant that I could tap that whenever she wanted it.
Fax Machine is an ungrateful prick.
KBO.
4240748
that's because you love twilight...
Uhh, this is just sad, this universe. Literally EVERYONE hates Twilight, and I think it was Celestia that turned her this way. Cadence said in a letter in these stories she missed the old Twilight, which leads me to believe that Celestia basically ruined her.