Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by keaton-furman-prower

The Cutie Map

Author's Note:

Original Letter Here.

Dear Sparky:

First off, let me say that your castle is absolutely beautiful. Why, I’m betting that if we could make a replica the size of a doll house, little fillies would be lining up cheerfully to buy one of their very own! Do you realize how much money you could make?

Oh, but what I love the most is that beautiful map it made for you and your buddies. You can see everypony’s houses from there! And, since it’s big enough to walk on, you can even pretend you’re a giant monster smashing everything! Why, just after you left, your Fax Machine tied up a big axe to his head and started flailing right through the imaginary Golden Gallop Bridge!

Anyway, since it apparently had a threat-seeking radar built in, you and your best friends had to go do hero-type stuff. I was thinking that you were going to activate your weird friendship laser thingies to magically zap out whatever evil was hanging out in Equestria today, but apparently you didn’t have to. Good thing too, because I sure didn’t want to see those Hasbro-awful manestyles, or hear Pinkie playing your “theme song” again.

And what was the name of that town again? Soviet Equalsville? I get the feeling that you could make a whole bunch of jokes about that. Like, for example, “In Soviet Equalsville, Fax Machine orders you.” Or “In Soviet Equalsville, muffins eat you.” Fitting, given how Pinkie almost died eating baked bads. Again.

But what intrigues me the most is this Starlight Glimmer pony. It amazes me that there are so many unicorns whose first name is synonymous with “Twilight” and whose last name is synonymous with “Sparkle.” It’s even more amazing that they all seem to have great talent with magic, and all of them seem to end up using it for evil (none more so than you). And what’s most amazing is how they always tend to end up becoming rulers of places that are too insignificant to bother with.

I mean, think about it. Starlight ruled a backwater town in the middle of nowhere, Sunset ruled a High School, and you rule a town full of inbred hicks. It really sucks, doesn’t it?

Of course, the similarities between you three are so uncanny, it’s almost as if the almighty King Hasbro has some sort of grand design for you all. Some sort of… marketing ploy.

…

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh that was so funny! As if you could ever be marketable!

*Ahem* It seems I have gotten off track. I’m certain that old sun-butt would love to have Glimmy on her side. I mean, even you could only switch your friends’ magic butt stickers around. Glimmy actually had the power to remove them! I mean, the only other being I ever knew who could do that was Tirek, and he’s practically a dark god! Also, he never gave anypony new butt stickers.

On the other claw, I have to admit, her replacement butt stickers were kind of lame. I mean, equal signs? They’re so boring! I wanted something with more pizazz! Like a handsome draconequus! Or better yet, why not give eyeryone a butt sticker that looked just like hers? That way she wouldn’t have had to hide it, nopony would ever have known she used ass makeup, and everypony would still be equal, and a few ponies would be more equal than others.

It’s such a shame that she had removed your butt stickers from the vault, though. If she’d kept them there, you and your friends could have captured Glimmy all on your own, instead of having to rely on a bunch of strangers to save your equalized asses.

Come to think of it, the last time you got your magic butt stickers removed, didn’t you use that weird magic rainbow to send Tirek back to his cage in Tartarus? Why didn’t you do that again this time? Did those equal stickers sap that out too? Or did you just not want to see those hideous manestyles or hear that theme song ever again? Or maybe it only works on big red demons from hell? Well, whatever the reason was, I’m certain it was a good one.

Anyway, it’s so nice to know that you’ve managed to save some backwater town from the evils of socialism, communism, fascism, imperialism, totalitarianism, and whatever other -isms that ponies love to complain about these days. Maybe you could write a book about it. You could probably title it “Killing Celestia” or something, just to get people’s attention.

Sincerely, Discord.

P.S.: On the subject of Shimmy and Glimmy: both of them were overthrown by a mysterious newcomer, after which their once-loyal subjects proceeded to hate and resent them. Kind of makes you wonder what'll happen to you, doesn't it?

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

P.S.: On the subject of Shimmy and Glimmy: both of them were overthrown by a mysterious newcomer, after which their once-loyal subjects proceeded to hate and resent them. Kind of makes you wonder what'll happen to you, doesn't it?

It's simple, when she's eradicated all others threats to Celestia's rule, Celestia will kill her and make it look like a freak accident. Then there will be no one left to oppose her.

[Neko Majin C]

Dear Dick Cord,

While Fax Machine was dancing around on the Cutie Map like a fat, giant, naked baby stripper, he was singing this song.

I had no idea he could speak Germane and Neighponese. Though that would explain his Nazi and schoolgirl fetish outfits...

Signed Goddess Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle's slightly creeped out slave,
Neko Majin C.

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~KBO.

[Level Dasher]

Whew, finally caught up. Damn, that was quite the binge.

[Web of Hope]

That Dexter's Lab reference. It was good.

[Circut Breaker]

P.S.: On the subject of Shimmy and Glimmy: both of them were overthrown by a mysterious newcomer, after which their once-loyal subjects proceeded to hate and resent them. Kind of makes you wonder what'll happen to you, doesn't it?

Well, I'm currently hacking into Friendship Castle's subsystems, in order to commandeer the projector an... (trails off)

I said that out loud, didn't I.

No matter. Twi's still gonna have a fun time.