The Crystal Empire, Part 1
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
If you need a spell to reverse memory-wiping, I happen to have one here with me. Unfortunately, I only share it with ponies who are actually loyal to me. So you’re basically screwed, and not in a good way.
But I digress. Your test is important because it will allow me to gauge how ready you are for my little master plan. If you pass, then you’ll be able to have a whole kingdom of meth all to yourself. If you fail… well, let’s just say that you and King Sombra will be roommates.
I wonder if he likes bananas?
As for Luna, it sucks to be her. After 1000 years her boyfriend is finally back, so of course she wants to go out and get some. Well, guess what, bitch? You spent the whole day of your niece’s wedding playing video games, so now you can spend the whole day of your boyfriend’s return playing video games!
Speaking of which, can I borrow your fax machine? I desire to set some of my sister's videogames on fire.
Anyway, I can’t help but think that you missed a great opportunity right there. Instead of gawking at your brother’s cosplay, you should have knocked him out, dragged him back to the train, then dragged him all the way with you to a faraway land where you could keep him as your sex slave. You would have escaped from everypony you hate, gotten out of this test, and condemned your friends to an icy death. Wouldn’t that have been hilarious?
No? Oh well. You could have waited until after you got your friends to look for information on the Crystal Empire, and then offered Cadance as a pony sacrifice to Sombra. Then, while he was distracted, you could ponynap your brother and make a run for it. If you ran fast enough, you could have made it out before I turned the Crystal Meth Empire into a lunar colony.
But then again, maybe all that drug-filled air was getting to you. It would explain the way everypony acted, and also why Rarity would be so willing to give Tom up as a rock sacrifice. As well as why you failed to see the conspicuous lack of a crucial page without which you and everypony in Methville is now doomed.
Oh well.
Your druglord overlord, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: Has it never occurred to you that perhaps some of those crystals could be used on your brother?
Dear Shining Armor:
You should've married Twilight too; then you wouldn't be in this mess.
Your faithful overlord, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: I've heard some of those crystals could be used on stallions to make them do their sister's bidding. Best be careful while you’re there.
My not-so beloved sister:
Must we repeat that Sombra was NOT our fucking boyfriend?! And we could not fight the Changelings because thou gavest us the blue flu!
Thy pissed sister, Luna.
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So, herding is canon in Twibitch's Equestria? Awesome!
Oh really? Well why didn't I catch it? Blue flu is, after all, highly contagious.
Chapter fifty-four The Crystal Empire, Part 1:
"Or" Should be "then."
Twilight's determination to make love to Shining Armor reminds me of a line from the song Prom Tonight from Not Another Teen Movie. No, not "I'm only in this song because I'm a black guy," you racists. This one, "So what if we have the same mother, tonight I'm gonna f
k my brother."
KBO.
4219327 Ah.
Luna's agitation becomes so much more funny given the latest comic from IDW.
"So thou gives us crap for that one time, but we find out thou hast been getting or at least trying to get an interdimensional booty call with his alternate dimension self since Starswirl was still around? Thou hypocrite!"
Where does this Luna x sombra crap come from?
I thought it was celestia x sombra.