Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by keaton-furman-prower

Just For Sidekicks

Original letter here.

---

Dear Fax Machine:

You suck too. You know why? Because those dragon eggs aren't actually meant to hatch. They're supposed to be unfertilized eggs, like the ones we eat for breakfast. What we actually test for is how well students take failure, and Twilight did not take it too well. Unfortunately, your egg had actually been fertilized, so it hatched just as Rainbow began to fart out her first rainbow. Thus, the timing of your hatching made everyone think that Twilight was good at magic, so I was forced to take her as my student even though she had proven she was completely undeserving of that role.

As you may imagine, I was not happy about having to teach that ungrateful little cunt. As a result, there are literally no words to explain how much I enjoy watching you fail at everything in your pathetic little existence. And since nopony will ever believe you, (with the possible exception of Twilight, who is never going to help you anyway,) I can safely tell you about all the ways that I have screwed you over these past few days.

First off, that uncontrollable tongue? Yeah, totally my fault. When I sent the letter telling Twilight to go to Crystal Methville, I put a spell in it that would make your tongue develop a mind of its own, causing it to eat all your gems before you could ever get the chance to properly use or even taste them.

Secondly, I put explicit instructions in the letter forbidding you from going along with them. The excuse I used was that you could potentially eat all the crystals there. Which, given your crazy tongue action, is pretty reasonable.

Oh, yeah. I also told them they couldn't take their pets. I must admit, I was worried that they might have sent them all to sleep at a vet clinic or something. But then I remembered that they all like watching you suffer just as much as I do, and so I just went with it.

Also, I bribed the zebra to steal one of your gems. And also the blank flanks. I didn't have to do anything about Angel, though, because I knew he was evil enough to screw you over in all sorts of ways that I can barely even imagine.

So, yeah. In the end, your life is pathetic and you are destined to suffer forever. And I can't help you, because you screwed me over, so now I only wish to screw you over.

Forever a slaver, Princess Celestia.

Author's Note:

I've already taken Alternative Character Interpretation, Celestia the Death Eater, and Discord in Leather Pants (which applies to Chrysalis as well) to outrageous levels. Why stop now?

Comments

[Reisentanith]

4115098 Yeah but he Listens and does whatever his leader tells him to do.

[Lag Incarnate]

In the end, your life is pathetic and you are destined to suffer fever.

I guess that makes Spike hot.

[keaton-furman-prower]

4115837 Whoops!

Thanks for catching that!

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Wow, this Celestia is becoming more and more of a troll with each letter. And I love it!

[Swift Decision]

You and milesprower06 really need to do a collab some time. Hell, you could join my grimdark group and write as pony haters!

What I'm trying to say is you and miles are the shiz..

[Alticron]

Nice chapter, but I found something you may want to edit.

I dind't have to do anything about Angel, though, because I knew he was evil enough to screw you over in all sorts of ways that I can barely even imagine.

That should be "didn't".

[keaton-furman-prower]

4117396 Ah

[Pyromaniac]

Didn't even have to try with Satan Angel.

[Phazon]

When I sent the letter telling Twilight to got to Crystal Methville,

'Go' has an extra t in it.

[keaton-furman-prower]

4225320 Ah.

[Neko Majin C]

What we actually test for is how well students take failure, and Twilight did not take it too well.

The joke was on you then, you celestial ass bitch. Twilight Sparkle does NOT fail.

Except at relieving her sexual tension.

KBO.