Responses To A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by keaton-furman-prower

The Saddle Row Review

Author's Note:

Original letter here.

Dear Diary:

Today was a complete waste of my time. Not only did I have to sit through a bunch of mares who all seem to be completely insane, but not one of them gave me any information on Spider Colt. Even worse, one of them got busted for illegal firearms trading, and now I have to testify in court.

~Saddle Row

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Dear Ember:

So, Bitchy Pants went to help Rarity open some new boutique in Manehattan or something. I don't know, and I don't care. All I know is that she's out of my scales for a few hours.

Want to have some fun?

Your favorite dragon buddy, Spike.

P.S.: Her bed is really comfortable. Could you imagine how pissed she'd be if somepony (or somedragon) were to mess it up?

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Dear Spike:

If she's not there, then sure. With all the stress of being the Dragon lord, I'm in the mood for some fun.

Your sexy Dragon Lord, Ember.

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Dear Trixie:

I hear that you have a lot of talent with silverware. I know somepony who you'd get along just wonderfully with!

Your favorite fashionista (probably), Rarity.

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Dear DJ-Pon3:

I must say, those dancing ponies you hang out with are absolutely stunning. I dare say that they would make wonderful models for my boutique. Especially that pink one with the pigtails. I can already tell that she'll be famous. Why don't you send her down here so I can work my magic on her?

Your newest fellow tenant, Rarity.

P.S.: No, seriously. Send her down here before Photo Finish finds out about her! That bitch already stole one great model from me, and I want payback! This time, I shall be the one with... ze magicks!!!

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Dear Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash:

As you no doubt know, Twilight locked me up in a dirty, stuffy, disgusting window display. Knowing her, she had undoubtedly been planning to do so for a very long time, and most likely would not have hesitated to leave me to die there. And I am quite certain that she plans on doing the same to all of us sooner or later.

My point is... we must lock her up before she does it to us.

I propose that we have her Fax Machine give us a detailed map of the castle's closets. We shall then find the darkest, dirtiest, most difficult to open closet we can find, toss her in, and leave her to rot. She may claim to be our firend, but we all know that she hates us, and the feeling is mutual.

...True, we'd be locking up a princess, but she deserves it. Besides, everypony would know that it's for the good of Equestria. And our sanity.

Your most fashionable friend, Rarity.

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Dear Pinkie Pool:

I hear you've been trying to evade capture. But if you're interested, my organization can help you. Not only that, but we can grant you new abilities that shall ensure that you never again have to fear those who wish to take you in. Are you interested?

Sincerely, Ajax.

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Dear Ajax:

What kind of stupid name is that?! Did you get it from a box of detergent or something?

Whatever. If you can help me, then I'm game.

Sincerely, Pinkie Pool.

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Dear Coco Pommel:

You too?

Sincerely, Button Mash.

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Dear Diary:

Why do my little angel and demon look like Rarity?

~Pinkie Pie

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Dear Ajax:
What kind of stupid name is that?! Did you get it from a box of detergent or something?
Whatever. If you can help me, then I'm game.
Sincerely, Pinkie Pool.

Don't worry, his real name's actually something far more embarassing. Just snag it from a dry cleaning tag.

[Neko Majin C]

She may claim to be our firend, but we all know that she hates us, and the feeling is mutual.

"Friend."

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My dearest Mistress Princess Twilight Sparkle,

While you were gone, Xerox was kind enough to visit. Unfortunately, I called her that because I forgot her real name and she beat me unconscious and bloody. When I regained consciousness and relocated my arm, I realized the entire castle stank of dragon cum. I followed the putrid stench to where it was most potent and realized it was your personal bed chambers. I do not think those dragons know how to sex, because your entire room looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.
financialrisk.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/jackson_pollock_painting.jpg
It. Was. Everywhere. While cleaning it, I puked a lot. Which just added to the mess I had to clean. Needless to say, I do not think you will not ever want to use those sheets ever again.

Signed your loyal slave and ever vigilant sentinel,
Neko Majin C.

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~KBO.

[Shadowmane PX-41]

Here's a good one for 28 Horrible Minutes And Terrible Zombie Ponies Later.

Dear Twilight.

You need to get your head out of your fucking arse and take some princess lessons, for god's sake. No wonder you got banned from Hay Burger and ostricized by Equestria for your downright despicable, unacceptable, and totally illegal actions which don't justify that you are a princess.

Rainbow Dash pranked you. SHE FUCKING PRANKED YOU, and your response is to make The Trotting Dead officially canon? Honestly, with the fucked-up shit that went down in Equestria in the past few years, I would've thought that you would've gotten some sense drilled into that pea-brained, sex-hungry, and brain-dead mind of yours.

Also, cut Fax Machine a break, why don't you? He's getting his own episode next week, and you're only going to be a tiny little footnote in his story.

—Princess Celestia

P.S. You know, there's plenty of other ways you could've used those cookies, if you know what I mean...

P.P.S. I saw all the letters that Spike sent me. I'm not impressed by any of them.

[Crazy the Clone]

Ajax? You mean Francis?

[MixMassBasher]

Awww. No update

[keybounce]

Has anyone put together a compilation book, with one chapter of Letters followed by the corresponding chapter of Responses, all the way through? So I can read them in-order without having to constantly swap between books?

[AntSPONGEBOB]

When's the next one?

[Jphyper]

Shame this one's been abandoned. The original finally started posting episode-based chapters again.