The Cutie Pox
Dear Twilight Sparkle:
Long ago, bowling was the most effective method of execution ever created. Traitors and other such criminals were tied up, arranged in neat little rows, then a huge death ball was rolled at them, crushing them into a meaty pulp that we then sold to the griffons. However, as the number of usurpers dwindled and we stopped trading with the griffon empire, the former elegant method of execution was reduced to a mere form of entertainment for the masses, and the pathetic “sport” of today was born.
Of course, even this dull form of entertainment has its uses. You see, there are ponies who have bowling cutie marks who could, in another life, easily have grown up to be usurpers. Fortunately, no one takes you seriously when you have a bowling alley tattoo on your ass.
Because of this, I think Applesauce should have been quite happy to not have been chained to this hobby. But then again, she is an inbred hick, so perhaps I’m giving her too much credit.
But now I must admit to being just a bit confused. Why would she go to the zigger for help if she was the one who tried to drive her out in the first place? And why would said zigger invite her over, knowing full well what a natural disaster she is?! Seriously, we really need to dedicate ourselves to the cause of eugenics.
Of course, Cheerilee should have been the first to call bullshit upon seeing Applesauce get a second cutie mark. I mean, she’s clearly demonstrated that she lacks the brainpower to get even one cutie mark. Two would have been a big red flag. But then again, she really hasn’t been the best at noticing natural stupidity, so yeah.
So, once you know she’s got an incurable disease which nopony can cure, what do you do? Well, I’d suggest euthanasia, but there are stupid laws about that. Oh well, I guess the best that could be done would be to leave her out and let everypony freak out.
Still, cutie pox doesn’t sound too bad. I mean, if she could instantly learn a new language, then she’d save a lot on her college tuition when she grows older, especially if she learned to speak fancy. Not that Git R Done isn’t a fine language, mind you. You should learn to speak it someday.
But we’re getting off-topic. Getting help from a lower being doesn’t sound like a good idea, even if she knows black (I’d call it zegro) magic. But then again, I guess you needed some way to keep an eye on her. And it was definitely funny watching Pinkie trying to confess but failing. I kind of wish Applesauce had kept her mouth shut, though. Perhaps Pinkie would have given me some information on what happened to my cake last night.
In any case, it seems that Applesauce and her friends have gone off to the zegro to become drug chemists. I shall be quite happy to watch them create a meth lab, and I will ensure their business venture is a big success.
Your always pleased former Teacher, Princess Celestia.
P.S.: I am quite amused by the fact that it took you so long to figure out how to use your fax machine as a sex toy. Can’t wait to hear how you fuck that up.
Dear President Mustangascar:
A child in Equestria has an incurable disease.
I fear what would happen if it crossed the seas.
Your concerned friend, Zecora.
Official Decree From President Mustangascar:
SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING.
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Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Alright, who told the president of Mustangascar about the Cutie Pox? Everything just shut down! I was planning on getting some of those Appleloosan trees shipped over there, but then suddenly- BAM -their ports are closed to the world. This really sucks, 'cause that's basically the only way into that peanut-sized country!
I would just fly there and give it to them myself, but I have more worthy uses for my wings. Namely, showing you how you don't have any, and hopefully reminding you that you are writing to the ultimate race here. Seriously, does that horn of yours hog all the blood from your brain? Eh, that would explain why you couldn't figure out the greatest use for your fax machine until now.
Your superior-in-every-way and very-satisfied former teacher, Empress Celestia
P.S.: Since you have nothing good to do with all of your time, I figured I'd dump the responsibility of getting that Appleloosan tree into Mustangascar on you.
I love the Pandemic 2 reference.
Considering their track record I'd say they'll more then likely just blow themselves up before that happens. Would be fun to watch though.
3751247 I'm starting to wonder why there are no fics like CUTIE METH CRUSADERS
Great, first Twilight can't work the slave trade, now she can't figure out biological warfare. What a damn waste. Also, fucking Madagascar...
3751767
Right after I read that I laughed so hard I literally screeched. You know the sound your fire-alarm makes? I just made that sound.
3750842 ...I have half a mind to steal that.
3753391 No regrets
3753442
And the other half says...?
3753442 Credit.
Breaking Bad, anyone?
Pandemic II reference FTW!
Awesome Pandemic II ref there. Darn that Mustangascar.
Fucking madagascar...
Dear Princess Celestia,
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I have no idea what happened to your cake...
Your un-faithful, disloyal subject,
JackieForever
Apple Bloom should change her name to Heisenberg. Or, maybe, Horsenberg?
KBO.
Wait, wouldn't they be the executioners? Or are you saying that their special talent/destiny is to get crushed beneath a giant death ball?
3751767 Actually, I plan on writing a story about the, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CRIME LORDS YAY!" So, there will be when I get around to it.
Ever heard of Plauge Inc?