THE FOAL FREE PRESS
RAMPAGING DRAGON ATTACK CAUSES GREAT TRAGEDY AT BBBFF CONCERT!
Today, just a few hours after the coronation of Princess Twilight Sparkle, a disaster fell upon the BBBFF anniversary tour. A humongous purple dragon stampeded through the venue, causing massive death and destruction. Although the exact numbers have yet to be confirmed, the estimated death toll sits at 2000 ponies.
The dragon, who had been screaming about how he was now doomed to be a slave to a sex goddess forever, was defeated when it accidentally snorted a wayward group of breezies, but not before it was able to kill thousands, including four of the five band members.
“I’m incredibly lucky to have made it out alive,” says Shining Armor, the only surviving member of BBBFF, better known by his stage name ‘Francis Sparkle.’ “Cadance was arguing that, since my sister is now poised to overthrow the Solar Empire, we should escape to the Crystal Empire and close off all communications with the outside world. I disagreed, if only because I had my band members who needed me. Now that they’re all dead, though, I have nothing left here.”
“And Twily,” he adds. “If you’re reading this, stay the hell away from me.”
“Yeah,” says Cadance. “Auntie Celestia, we’re going to leave forever. Please stay out.”
While there seems to be no risk of further dragon attacks, ponies are already petitioning Princess Celestia to create giant robots to fight off the kaiju menace. The Princess has refused, however, stating that the taxpayer bits required to create such a machine would be better spent on building walls, which would be far more effective at keeping monsters out.
Stay tuned as we reveal more information concerning the danger of the gypsy bard Pie, as well as the recent debate over the ownership of the Golden Oaks Library.