Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCLIII · 8:38pm March 21st
So I accepted a story commission this month. It’s only the second time I’ve done that, the first being To My Uncle, and the only reasons I accepted was because A) the concept requested was so vague I could pretty much do whatever I wanted with it, and B) the idea captured my interest. So yeah, sometime next month I’ll be releasing this thing, assuming the commissioner pays up. All I’ll say about it is that it’s going to be EqG-centric (sorry, Mike) and be a combination of drama and adventure. I’m experimenting with a Show-heavy style for it with less focus on dialogue. That’s not part of the commission, I just thought the story might be more interesting that way. At current pace I’ll probably be done with the writing before the month’s out, but there’s a delay because the artist I want for the cover told me they aren’t going to be open for commissions until April. Yeah, the writing commission is probably going to go entirely to the art commission, but I’m cool with that.
In the meantime, I finished my first pass editing run of Guppy Love and am now in Stage II: Corrections. During the editing phase I made a lot of notes; things I wanted to better emphasize, inconsistencies to eliminate, character quirks that need to be seen more, that kind of thing. One example is the speech of not-Applejack and not-Rainbow Dash. I wanted not-Applejack to have her accent written in-story when she’s speaking to her friends, but for it to go away while speaking to the mermaids. It’s meant to demonstrate her efforts to teach them English without the humans’ respective accents getting in the way of comprehension. Not-Rainbow, on the other hand, I’m trying to have speak with excellent grammar at all times, which is intended as a sort of ironic aspect of her character and also justifies her trying to correct not-Applejack’s occasional double negatives. It’s a work in progress, but I’m feeling positive about the results so far. Once this effort is done I’ll probably go on the hunt for pre-readers again.
On a related matter, I’ve decided to gun for 500k words in 2024 as something of a personal challenge. I pulled off 400k last year without really meaning to so I figured I’d give it a go. I’m already well behind, because I didn’t decide to try this until early February and I more or less took January off. This means I’ll have to do a few non-November NaNoWriMos this year if I want to catch back up and pull it off, but I’m well on my way to doing that this month. I just need to maintain this momentum and maybe...
Last but not least, I’ve found myself interested in doing another Long Story Only blog, like I did back in 2020. Except this time it would be used to revisit some of my favorite longfics of past reviews. Any excuse is a good excuse, right? I’ve already chosen the fics I’d include in such a blog and came upon a problem: I’d have to get more than 22 weeks ahead in my reading to fit all that reading in without disrupting the regular schedule or overloading the coming months with absurd amounts of reading. 22 weeks! Right now I’m sitting at 11, and already that means anything scheduled today isn’t coming out until at least July.
But I’m still going to try it. That means attempting to reduce total wordcounts on these blogs in order to allow for getting ahead faster. We shall see how long it takes me to build that kind of lead.
That’s all I’ve got for today. Bit of a mixed news week. Why don’t we get to those reviews?
Stories for This Week:
At the Mountains of Discord by Glimmervoid
Not Enough Warmth by Doctor Disco
A Friend At The End of The World by KingdaKa
Fate of the UNS Moon Dancer by Shrink Laureate
Diary of *illegibly smudged* by Thought Prism
Fairlight - Memories of a Perfect Sky by Bluespectre
Emerald Heart by Ekhidna
Imaginary by Thunderbug80
All Bottled Up, Like a Fine Vintage by TheCrystalRing
Octavia's Last Night by Rune Soldier Dan
Total Word Count: 265,267
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
At the Mountains of Discord
40,699 Words
By Glimmervoid
Technical documentation is the hallmark of science. It can tell you a great many things. Numerically. Logically. But not emotionally. Thus will Twilight pen a non-scientific record, one that clarifies the horror of what lies beyond those gargantuan mountains. Only then will future explorers understand that risk and know that nopony must ever, ever visit that frigid, hellish landscape.
This story was first brought to my attention by a number of readers who took note of and compared it to my own The Gilderoy Expedition. A shame that the story has been around since 2013 and this was the first time I’d heard of it. On the other hand, back in 2013 my knowledge of Lovecraft’s works was bare minimum, basically the leakings of popular culture, so I wouldn’t have grasped its intentions nearly as well as I do now.
This story is heavily inspired by H.P. Lovecraft’s At the Mountains of Madness which, for those of you who aren’t Lovecraft connoisseurs, tells of an academic expedition into the Antarctic that discovers an immense pre-historic city within an undocumented, gargantuan mountain range. Thus does At the Mountains of Discord follow an expedition, in which Twilight is one of the leaders (and Derpy as a surprising extra member), to the uncharted areas of the Frozen North, where they uncover a similar ruin.
The story is not a direct recreation of the original with ponies. Glimmervoid was wise enough to take the idea and make it their own, with pertinent similarities but copious discrepancies. The author also incorporates numerous other elements of Lovecraft’s Cthulhu mythos, referencing aspects from all sorts of stories. This was done in subtle, non-invasive ways such that knowledge of what is being referenced isn’t necessary at all to understand what is going on, including of the primary inspiration. In other words, while the references are many, you don’t have to know a thing about the actual mythos to follow this story. That, my friends, is how you create an excellent crossover.
Glimmervoid did an exceptional job channeling the tone and manner of Lovecraft’s writing without sacrificing the fact that this is an MLP tale or making things difficult for the modern reader. Twilight was the perfect tool for this, able to channel the “scientific intellectual” manner that so often leads Lovecraft’s works while still being readily understandable to us non-eggheads. Really, the narrative style shines with this one, particularly for those who know the source material.
I think my only real disappointment in the story came when the “Elder Things” were first discovered. Let me ask those of you who have read some Lovecraft-inspired MLP works over the years: what is the most common thing for the ancient, eldritch abominations to be in the fanon? That’s right, humans. I mean, I get it, there’s a distinct ironic humor in the idea of us being the ancient, seemingly all-powerful, incomprehensible beings for the ponies. But I’ve seen it so many times now, the joke has become stale. Boring. Unoriginal. To Glimmervoid’s credit, this was released in 2013 so the idea would have been more… “fresh” than it is today, but that didn’t alleviate my annoyance when the big reveal came.
The good news is that “haha the ancient horrors are humans” isn’t the end point (or even the central point) of the story. There’s a lot more going on here, with Glimmervoid weaving a complex and mostly theoretical history of space-faring humanity at constant war with the hideous Mi-Go aliens while also confronting other genuine Lovecraftian deities. I should note that the idea of Discord actually being Nyarlathotep tickles me, even if the concept doesn’t fly in later seasons thanks to his redemption.
There is one other issue. It’s not such a huge problem, but Glimmervoid seems to have a problem with homophones and verb tenses. Both issues show up frequently, but only for certain, specific words. They’re immersion-killing every time, and I kept having to reset my head to get back into the swing of things when they popped up.
This story is fascinating, and might even be better than that which inspired it. Containing elements of action, horror both eldritch and not, high stakes, and an ever-expanding window into a broader, more deadly universe. There’s even an implication that this could be within the Cthulhu Mythos, simply set hundreds of millions of years into its future, and in a way that makes perfect sense within the confines of that mythos.
You couldn’t ask for a better MLP/Lovecraft crossover. Glimmervoid created the bar for this kind of story, and I daresay nothing I’ve read in the past even comes close. Maybe The Rise and Fall of the Dark Lord Sassaflash, but its tone is so vastly different and it approaches the mythos in such a different way that it’s like comparing apples to oranges. Anyway, if you like solid crossovers and are willing to delve into the disturbing, this will do it for you, even if you’re not into Lovecraftian horror.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Not Enough Warmth
2,399 Words
By Doctor Disco
Octavia is about to spend Hearth’s Warming alone. Not a pleasant idea, not by any means. But then Derpy shows up in the middle of a blizzard delivering presents, and Octavia refuses to allow the poor mare to keep working under such harsh weather conditions.
This one is short and sweet. It’s little more than a friendshipping story between Derpy and Octavia on a cold and lonely Hearth’s Warming night. I’d like to say there’s some lesson learned and/or character growth, but nah. Sure, Octavia convinces Derpy not to keep working herself to death, but that’s about it.
Read this if you want a cute, low-stakes friendshipping story. Maybe pair it with some hot chocolate for thematic purposes.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Friend At The End of The World
51,368 Words
By KingdaKa
Sequel to Living Happily with the Love of Your Life
Alternate Title: Until Death Do Us Part
It’s all over. No more Cinch, no more cancer, no more consequences for shitty decisions. Twilight and Cadance can finally live a happily married life. And so they shall. With all the ups and downs that involves.
It was the desire to read this story that got me into this series in the first place, so it’s good to finally be here. For those of you just tuning in, this series follows a Cadance who, in her youth, was a wicked, selfish whore of a woman who found herself pursued by her student Twilight Sparkle. A great many bad decisions followed, causing seemingly endless scandal and shame that in turn led to a ton of negative consequences even after Cadance finally turned her behavior around and became worthy of Twilight’s affections. As of this story, all of that is finally behind them.
Most of it consists of brief scenes from the pair’s twenty-plus years of happy marriage. There are fights, there are struggles, but mostly it’s just two people adoring one another even into old age. It’s pleasant, amusing, at times even (vividly) horny. It feels like KingdaKa was willing to give us a happy story at last. And most of it is, to be fair.
But alas, KingdaKa delights in misery and bathes in tears, so it couldn’t last. My “alternate title” should tell you all you need to know. But even this strikes me as a good thing, because it feels as though KingdaKa wanted to explore every aspect of a long marriage. That has to include the inevitable, and said inevitable is indeed well explored.
Maybe a little too well. The one issue I have with this story is the author’s habit of lingering on a topic long past its due date. This applies to the happy parts too, but feels more egregious with the sad ones. In many scenes, happy or sad, I felt the urge to start skimming until something new happened because the scene just kept going. I get it, they’re in lurv. I get it, she’s miserable. What’s next?
But again, that’s the only issue I have with this one. Other than that, Cadance and Twilight are a delight to watch as a couple, endearingly characterized and constantly bouncing off one another in entertaining ways. Much of it feels like a well-earned reward for wading through so much muck and shit for so long. Except perhaps the climax, which returns to the author’s preferred mood, but even that ends on a pleasant, positive note, a comforting reminder that the end doesn’t have to be the end.
If watching two women go through all the ups and downs of a generally happy marriage sounds interesting to you, this is a good place to visit. Heck, you might even be able to enjoy this one without reading the prior stories. You’d miss some context, but I genuinely feel like the context isn’t wholly necessary to understand and enjoy this; it’s written with a certain feel that the past is the past and should stay there.
Easily my favorite of this series, and a solid way to end it. I knew this one caught my eye for a reason.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Lady No Longer — Pretty Good
I'm Sorry — Pretty Good
Living Happily with the Love of Your Life — Worth It
Ravaged — Worth It
Fate of the UNS Moon Dancer
13,700 Words
By Shrink Laureate
Sequel to Log of the UNS Twilight Sparkle
Sunset Shimmer is immortal. Possibly because she’s an alicorn now, but there’s no way to know for certain given her lack of pony bits. Being immortal has its uses. In this exact moment, one such use is making the cold, lethal void of space not that big a deal. Now if she can just figure out how to get back to her ship…
Despite being labeled a sequel, this is actually a prequel. The story follows Admiral Sunset Shimmer as she tries to figure out what happened to her experimental exploration vessel, the Moondancer, from which she just got violently flung out of. Along the way we see flashbacks of the last thirty or so years of her life (by my estimation) telling how she discovered the location of Equestria and made two close friends who were more than willing to help her crack the faster-than-light travel necessary to get there someday.
In some ways, this is a character study of Sunset: her motivations, her fears, and her tendency for self-criticism. Also, her insanity; she apparently hallucinates visions of Princess Celestia just for the sake of having someone to talk to who “gets” the struggles of immortality. Regardless, this is still the Sunset Shimmer we all know and love, just immortal and living in an interstellar age.
Aside from being a pretty solid look at Sunset as a person, the story is also loaded with (sometimes psuedo)science relaying the struggles of space travel, be it the quirks of spacewalks to the isolation and sacrifice made by those who dare to voyage beyond the solar system. Science fiction gurus will love it.
Also interesting, and never really touched upon, is the power Sunset has amongst the humans. She’s clearly the leading figure for space exploration, to such a degree that she’s got humanity giving pony names to all the spaceships, names they most certainly wouldn’t have come up with on their own. Sunset’s hallucinogenic Celestia even tries to pinpoint her identity amongst the humans – Princess? Queen? Potentate? Though Sunset shoots down all the suggestions, the fact that they’re being brought up at all by her subconscious mind may be a big indicator of her real-yet-never-outright-acknowledged role on Earth. It makes me wonder if this age of world peace (as is implied a few times) is also due to her influence.
It ultimately ends up as a story about being responsible without letting the weight of it all crush you, ever striving for a better tomorrow. Or, to paraphrase, “immortality can be painful, but it only sucks if you let it.” I wholeheartedly approve. If you’re into science fiction, Sunset Shimmer, and the challenges of space exploration, this is a surefire read. A pity Shrink never wrote that advertised sequel.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Fishbowl — WHYRTY?
Princess Celestia's Private Library — WHYRTY?
Left Behind — WHYRTY?
One Night In A Storm — Pretty Good
Abdication — Pretty Good
Diary of *illegibly smudged*
3,970 Words
By Thought Prism
Requested by Thought Prism
He was just a regular pony of Ponyville. Then he encountered the six-winged butterfly. Now he is more, and yet so much less. His work shall surely lead to something glorious.
Apparently, this story is intended to make sense of the nonsensical link between the setting of G5 with the conclusion of G4. At least, that’s how I interpreted the ending using what little context is offered. The story follows an unnamed stallion who gradually has his mind warped and manipulated by some sort of eldritch entity that appears to mortals in the form of a six-winged butterfly. I would like to say he becomes a cultist, except I generally imagine a ‘cult’ as having more than one member. To paraphrase Cultist Simulator, a cult of one is merely a peculiar hobby.
I’m not sure about the connection made to G5. It’s tenuous at best, based on a minor element of a G5 video game I didn’t even know existed. But after considering all the things we have confirmed in the show, I think I get what Thought Prism was going for, and in that regard I wholeheartedly approve. But it’s only a theory; it’s pretty clear that the author wanted this one to be open to ideas. No, I won’t be sharing mine; better for y’all to form your own opinions.
My only complaint with this one is its utter lack of narrative experimentation. It’s supposed to be a journal, but there’s no effort to play with that idea. Even the title fails to wow; “illegibly smudged” is about as unimaginative a way to handle the concept of illegible material as can be. And then there’s the journal itself, which is little more than a bunch of neat, tightly written paragraphs. No effort is taken to alter the form of the paragraphs, to play with the formatting, or… or anything! Yes, the nature of the writer is clearly changing as the journal moves along, but honestly, the madness could have been so much more interesting if the nature of the journal itself altered to go along with it. The sameness of the formatting undercuts the potential horror in my eyes, making it harder to distinguish tone and identify the already subtle changes as they are happening.
I should also note that our protagonist character has no agency at all. This was a curious element to me. The entire reason I’m reading this story was due to Thought Prisms’ insinuation that characters making poor decisions is bad storytelling. It thus strikes me as odd that the story they point to after that statement takes away the topic entirely by not letting the main character make any decisions in the first place. One would think the proper rebound would be to have bad things happen in spite of characters making all the right decisions, but with agency being removed the whole discussion becomes moot.
But that’s just a personal topic, stemming entirely from one of Thought Prism’s commentary on one of my own stories. It doesn’t change the fact that this is indeed a slow burn tale (as much of a slow burn as ~4k words can be) of gradually worsening, insidious horror. I approve of its unwillingness to be direct, though it certainly rides the fine line between Intriguing and Too Far. Readers who like theorizing on what a story means will probably consider it a treat, especially considering how it requires strong knowledge of both G4 and G5 to connect all the threads.
Not a bad showing. Had Thought Prism been more creative with it and maybe given us a little bit more information, this would have certainly landed on a higher bookshelf. As it is, it’s by no means a waste of your time if you’re into Lovecraftian horror told in subtle ways.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Below — Pretty Good
Name Rater — Pretty Good
Anonception — Pretty Good
Antithesis — Worth It
Operation: Replace — Worth It
Fairlight - Memories of a Perfect Sky
113,576 Words
By Bluespectre
Fairlight is a captain of the Manehattan Watch. Or at least, he was. Now he’s dead. Which wouldn’t be so bad, had he gone to the Eternal Herd like most ponies do. But no, he finds himself in a dark place called The Withers and is told outright he can’t come to the Eternal Herd until he gets rid of… whatever it is he picked up over the course of his dying. How utterly annoying.
Set in the same AU as all the other stories I’ve read by this author, this one follows Fairlight as he traverses the Withers in search of a way to get back to Equestria. The story is told in two parts, alternating between the two regularly.
The first is a recounting of his life, starting with meeting his wife and continuing into an investigation of a growing drug and weapons smuggling problem in Manehattan. Turns out that there are lots of places/ways to enter the human world, someone on the other side has discovered these ways, and is now trying to bring Earth-like crime to Equestria, including hard drugs and modern technology like gatling guns.
I’ll be honest, this part somewhat bothers me. Not the whole Earth/Equestria thing; the connections between the two is what started this entire AU to begin with. But isn’t it weird that Celestia’s government, which has to know all about how to go to Earth given Celestia herself has done it, is for some reason not bothering to, y’know, send ponies there to learn about the technology they are now up against? Why is there this whole secret organization dedicated to studying these weapons and how they work but not bothering to go to the place it’s coming from for answers? Why is the Manehattan Guard taking on this human crime syndicate completely on its own, with a local government blatantly bought and paid for by said syndicate, when it’s been made patently clear that the federal government is aware of the problem? What, can Celestia not be arsed to look into it? Is she too busy eating cake or something?
Anyway, the first part of the story covers Fairlight and his fellow officers fighting against this syndicate and losing. Badly. Hence the whole ‘Fairlight is dead’ thing.
The second part, told roughly in tandem, covers Fairlight’s journey through the Withers. There he meets the rather creepy locals: thestrals. Yes, the same thestrals who fought alongside Luna in her war against Celestia. How curious that Fairlight doesn’t seem to have any idea that the war happened in the first place, especially since we know for a fact that Princess Luna is back owing to Fairlight having crossed paths with Twilight & company on multiple occasions prior to his death. You’d think at this point that everypony in Equestria would at least know that a war happened.
The story takes a number of odd turns despite its directness. For example, apparently Fairlight is a megastud, because it seems half the mares who cross his path end up “in love” with him. Then there’s how this trash-talking, roughhousing, grouchy, eternally pissed stallion who openly admits to having zero skills or training in things like hospitality and charisma is somehow able to turn on the charm and say exactly the right thing to diffuse a volatile situation with perfect eloquence and flattery on multiple occasions. And then there’s the fact that Fairlight is now a windigo (as the cover implies), making him easily one of the most dangerous things in the Withers, and yet for some reason he consistently fails to use or even remember he has said powers until someone has died or he himself is on the edge of death.
And let us not forget the one time he met a trio of alicorns who catch up to Fairlight by order of the Divine Herself to catch him and wipe away his memories in order to be rid of the Windigo side of him. Their leader states outright that nopony defies the Queen’s will, ever. Only to turn around five minutes later and defy the queen’s will and let Fairlight go because… Because.
In other words, there are a lot of things in this story that feel blatantly contrived in the name of keeping the story going. It gets a little exasperating after a time.
That’s not to say there aren’t good elements to be had. There are intense moments of adventure, an entirely new culture to be explored, and mysteries to unravel. Plus we got to see Thorn again, and I very much missed that thestral. Some of the characters are quite endearing, such as the thestral Shadow who decides unilaterally that Thorn is her mate now, or Star Beard who was once the personal student of a certain famous bell-wearing wizard.
But the number of oddities and forced elements are really holding this one back. I’m sorry to say that this felt like a bit of a downgrade from some of Bluespectre’s earlier works. That or these issues were always there and I somehow missed them. This might work for those looking for some worldbuilding and a lack of plot armor (at least for anypony who isn’t the protagonist), but I question its appeal for a wider audience.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
When The Snow Melts — Pretty Good
All the Queen's Horses — Worth It
Ice Fall — Worth It
Tea for Two — Worth It
Where the Sunflowers Grow — Worth It
Emerald Heart
3,754 Words
By Ekhidna
Rarity awakens in the hospital, battered and bruised. Her condition is far better than that of her companions, who are all in various states of physical disorder. She doesn’t remember much. Something about a centaur and a very pissed dragon.
Despite that short description above, this is not a story about Rarity and not, for that matter, a Sparity story. The real focus is on Flitter, who easily suffered the worst of the damage from the centaur attack. The story goes that Rarity, off on some sort of trip with Spike, got kidnapped along with some other ponies by centaurs intent on stealing their magic with some methods far more gruesome than Tirek’s. Spike proved himself a hero by leading the Royal Guard on the quest to find and rescue them.
I fully expected this to be a story about how Spike was Rarity’s hero for once. Instead what we get is Spike deciding to sacrifice a part of himself – no, I mean literally a physical part of himself – for Flitter’s sake.
I come away with mixed feelings. I like that the story doesn’t go where I thought it would. On the other hand, Ekhidna doesn’t seem to be… doing anything with it. It’s all “here’s what happened, the end.” What was the intent? The purpose? The goal? What are we, as the audience, meant to take away from this? Is “Spike is willing to donate body parts for the betterment of others” the entire point, and if so, why isn’t he the center of the story? I dunno, it just feels like the author didn’t dig deep enough into the concept to make it shine.
This is one of those stories where I couldn’t help reading the comments to see if I missed something. Turns out there is one pertinent fact: Ekhidna’s perspective regarding dragon anatomy is such that, for this story, Spike would just regrow the body part in time, so it wasn’t that big a sacrifice. This would have been good to know in-story, but it’s not even hinted at anywhere. It also feels like it would have deadened the sacrifice and any potential meaningfulness it would have had, had Ekhidna bothered to delve deep enough to give it said meaning.
So yeah, mixed feelings. There’s nothing wrong with the story in general. The writing, the setting, the way the reveal unfolds, it’s all good. I just don’t feel like Ekhidna used the concept to its fullest potential.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Rage of Friendship — Needs Work
The Crystal Emperor — None
Imaginary
5,473 Words
By Thunderbug80
Using the Powers of Pie (you should know better than to ask), Pinkie has been visiting a little girl, entering her room through the closet Monsters, Inc. style. She can only do it for so long though. Not because of any limitation of her Powers of Pinkieness (as if such a thing existed) but because the girl herself simply doesn’t have the time.
This was quite the gut punch. It’s all about Pinkie trying to bring joy to a little girl facing the last days of her life. I think my favorite aspect of the story is the depiction of Sarah; getting little kids right is a challenge for a lot of writers (yours truly included), but I really feel Thunderbug got it right here. I also like how our perspective is very limited, coming only from what Pinkie sees and reads in Sarah’s diary. This leaves a lot of open questions, but still paints enough of a picture that we can get a good enough idea on our own. Pinkie’s ability to be serious at relevant times is also a nice touch.
This was about as solid a Pinkie story as I could have hoped for. Well done, author.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Allure — Pretty Good
Half-Minute Horses — Pretty Good
If Only In My Dreams — Pretty Good
Princess Luna and the Cotton Candy Sugar Rush — Worth It
Surface Deep — Needs Work
All Bottled Up, Like a Fine Vintage
5,957 Words
By TheCrystalRing
Flim is visiting Ponyville, where the sweet and harmonious citizens tend to make easy marks. Yes, despite the bad memories, and yes, just Flim. Alas, the last door he knocks on for the evening belongs to none other than Sugarcube Corner, and the proprietor is not going to be an easy mark.
A story shipping Flim and Carrot Cake? Now that’s new.
Set twenty years after the brothers first appeared in Ponyville to try and take Sweet Apple Acres from right under the Apple Family’s hooves, the story begins with hard implications: clearly, Flam is no longer in the picture. Why this is so becomes the centerpiece of the story. More curious is Carrot Cake, that gangly father figure of seemingly little import, who proves to be more than a match for the fast-talking, wisecracking Flim. And of course one has to wonder: wherever the heck is Mrs. Cake?
This gradually turns into a story about grief. Yes, it’s a romance by the end, but it’s really more focused on how Flim is suffering without his brother around to complete his sentences and bounce ideas off of. Then he learns that Mr. Cake is suffering from something similar, and things just click.
Does the ship sail? Eh, I’m not so sure. I like the idea here, and TheCrystalRing did an excellent job on the presentation, no question. But I think I’d need more – more time, more words, more evidence – before I’d raise anchor for these two. Even so, it’s an unusual ship presented very well, and I have nothing but approval for the story overall.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Path to Paradise — Worth It
Bluebird — Needs Work
Octavia's Last Night
24,371 Words
By Rune Soldier Dan
Octavia sits alone at her writing desk, completing what will be her greatest masterpiece. A pity that she’ll never hear it. Just like the last six symphonies. Now she rests, prepared for the death she knows is coming. Or she would be if she were not suddenly visited by a pair of most unwelcome demigods. Tirek wants Octavia’s music in exchange for her eternal soul. Discord wants… Well. She’s not quite sure.
The instant I saw that Rune Soldier Dan was writing a ponification of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s excellent rock opera Beethoven’s Last Night, I knew I’d be reading it. The only thing holding me back was my adamant refusal to have an author on my reading list more than once. But, at last, we are finally here.
For those of you woefully unaware, Beethoven’s Last Night tells the story of the composer on his last night being offered a deal by the demon Mephistopheles: his soul for his music. The personification of Fate then brings Beethoven to revisit key events of his life with the promise to change any one thing in it and, thus, prevent this confrontation with the demon in the first place. So too does the story of Octavia’s Last Night go, except with Discord as Fate, Tirek as Mephistopheles, and Octavia as Beethoven.
This is not quite a 1-to-1 recreation of the rock opera’s story. A handful of differences are created in the name of ponification. Even so, it’s very close. Normally I would be opposed to such a direct recreation, but I think I’m okay with it this time on account of the vastly different mediums and the adjustments made to the characters to maintain their MLP… well, characters.
The end result is every bit as special as the original. Those nostalgic for the rock opera will absolutely love this. Those who aren’t familiar with it will likely find something worth reading as well, as the story is brimming with excellent characterizations, strong personal drama for Octavia (with excellent interplay between her and Discord), and far better foreshadowing and plot growth compared to its inspiration. The ending is outright superior, with similar stakes enhanced by a personal linkage to Octavia that didn’t exist for Beethoven in the original.
I loved this one, start to finish. I admit that I may be a little biased, being a fan of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and this album in particular, but I contend that it will be an excellent piece even for the uninitiated. Rune Soldier Dan handled this material far better than I anticipated, and I already went into this one with high expectations. Fans of Best Background Pony, rejoice, for this is the story she always deserved. My only regret is not getting to it sooner.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
To Try For the Sun — WHYRTY?
Sunset Shimmer Hunts the Undead — WHYRTY?
The First Flame — Pretty Good
Wayward Sun — Pretty Good
Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead — Pretty Good
Bonus Review: The Travels of Marco Polo
477 Pages
By Marco Polo
Published 1300
Revised, Edited and re-published by Manuel Komroff
Every once in a while I like to read something other than fiction. This particular book belongs to my father, and is one of many he gained through decades as a member of the Heritage Club, an organization of bibliophiles that sent out books to its members on a monthly basis. I presume the club no longer exists since I can’t find any evidence of it and my father hasn’t received anything from them in ages.
For those of you whose education failed you, yes, Marco Polo was a real person. In 1271, when he was fifteen years old, he left his home of Venice with his father and uncle on a trade mission to Asia, where he worked in the government of Kublai Khan (grandson of Ghengis Khan) and explored much of the continent of Asia and the subcontinent of India. He would return home to Venice in 1295, but his travels wouldn’t be written down until three years later while a prisoner of war in Genoa, transcribed by his fellow prisoner Rustichello da Pisa. Manuel Komroff’s translation of Marco Polo’s stories was first published sometime around 1921 (online sources quote different dates, but the book specifies this year).
The book opens with two introductions, which are somewhat odd in that they largely repeat one another. The first gives a very brief explanation as to who Marco Polo was and his overall journey, especially why he went and the circumstances surrounding it. The second introduction does the same, but provides much greater detail and also includes a history of Kublai Khan prior to Marco Polo’s arrival in China.
The gist: Marco’s father and uncle had already been to China and met with the “Great Khan”, as he is regularly titled in the book. Enamored by these foreign traders, Kublai Khan appointed them as his ambassadors to the papacy in Rome and assigned them the task of delivering a request of the Pope (then Clement IV) for 100 priests to convert the people of the Mongolian Empire. Marco Polo suggests that this was less about piety and more about politics; Kublai Khan knew his empire was receding and had come to believe that uniting all the Empire under a single religion might provide enough stability to stop its decline. Marco’s father and uncle made a genuine attempt at this, but when they came back to Venice Clement IV was dead. They were delayed several years until, at last, Pope Gregory X (whom the Polos happened to know prior to his papacy) was elected. He only gave them two priests though, and the both of them chickened out after scarcely a week or two on the road. Marco, whose mother had died by then, was brought along for the return trip.
After all of this is explained, we get to the meat of the book: Marco’s travelog. It’s important to note a few things, the first being that this is not a “story”. Instead, it is a description of places and notable things about them. It’s hardly an encyclopedia, but neither is it a font of creativity. “Here we talk about X city/province/nation. Its people were of Y religion. They survived off Z, traded A, were subordinates of B. Here are a few interesting asides about the people/culture/land. Moving on to the next…”
While that’s a simplification, the entire book runs like this. Each city/province/nation gets its own chapter, and most chapters are no more than a page long, although a rare few (the ones Marco found the most interesting) can go on for a dozen pages. Many of the places Marco visits have very little worth talking about at length.
But a few relate some truly interesting stories. Some of the tales Marco witnessed personally, but many he learns secondhand via conversations with the locals. In one chapter he retells the story of Hasan-i Sabbah, in the book only referenced as “The Old Man of the Mountain”, who founded the Hashshashin (Order of Assassins). In a few instances he recounts the wars that led to a given area being under control of the Mongol Empire. He tells of one culture where the men leave while travelers get to live in his house with their women to do with as he wishes because they believe it will please their pagan deities. In another, he references two islands, one inhabited by only men and the other by only women, who meet and mingle only three months out of the year. He relates a lot about the Khan’s capital city, the makeup of the Empire’s government and military, and of things like festivals, judicial systems, and infrastructure.
He recounts one story of a wicked minister who abused everyone under his power to gain a massive amount of wealth right under the Khan’s nose, and this fact was only uncovered by said Khan after the minister was assassinated by military officials. He recounts how the Khan held nothing against any religions and their practices with the sole exception of Islam (Marco Polo regularly refers to its followers as Muhamatans), and even then only to force them to treat other religions as equals (because traditional Islam decreed it was not a sin to do harm unto nonbelievers, and even encouraged it). He tells of how the Mongolian Empire had paper currency five centuries before the practice started in the West. There are more fantastical tales too, such as of the mythical Ruhk, an eagle said to be so big it would kill elephants by carrying them aloft and dropping them, or of miracles performed by saints, or of witchcraft and sorcery performed by pagan tribes.
Marco Polo’s travels are startlingly extensive. Not only did he travel the entire width of Asia, but he also explored much of India and Southeast Asia (he was actually a governor in one of India’s port cities for three years under the Khan). He tells of the Khan’s final failed attempt to invade Japan, and visits several islands of the Indian Ocean, including many of the islands of Indonesia. He even brings up detailed information about Madagascar and Zanzibar (though strangely omits Africa entirely, as if he somehow wasn’t aware of its proximity to these islands).
The funniest thing in all of this is how nobody in Marco Polo’s time actually believed a word of it. Most thought of him as a habitual liar. Indeed, after his death it apparently became common in fairs and festivals for at least one clown to take on the role of “Marco” and entertain crowds with tales of ever-increasing exaggeration and absurdity. It was hundreds of years before people learned that everything (well, everything not mythological) Marco spoke of in his travelog was true.
As far as the overall book goes, it has its ups and downs. Sometimes you’ll go through a few dozen pages where nothing is happening as Marco rattles off basic information about small countries and cities that don’t warrant a lot of extra attention in his eyes. We must bear in mind that Marco Polo was a merchant first and foremost, and so much of the information he rambles on are things merchants want to know, like what are the important trade goods and which regions are populated by bandits. But when it gets interesting it gets really interesting; I found large chunks of the book flying by as Marco retold battles and cultural idiosyncrasies and unexpected facts about strange, far away places.
Needless to say, this won’t appeal to everyone. It requires a certain curiosity about the ways of a world long gone and a good amount of patience to get past the slow parts. I should also note that there are many different versions of this book out there with differing translations and removed or “found” parts, so it’s entirely possible that the version you get may have a lot of changes from the one I read. But if you have any interest in history at all, I’d say this is a worthwhile item to add to your collection. I for one am glad I decided to give it a go.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Stories for Next Time:
Autumn Sunshine by Rawrienstein
Flower Wars by Shaslan
Sunset Shimmer's Sexy Sapphic Sacrilege Surprise by Sporktacles
We Were Trapped in Stone, And Now We're Free by King of Madness
Notebook Found in a Deserted House by Rune Soldier Dan
Of Caramel and Peanut Butter by Pastel Pony
Feast on the Moon by adcoon
Alone She Stood by Avox
A Melancholy Night by HiddenMaster
Triptych by Estee
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Have I mentioned my general apathy to it enough times for that to be the first thing that leaps to mind alongside your favourite ghost? 👻 Evidently you feel so.
I… don't know how to feel about that label.
Sure, such fics are a hard sell for me, but I do read them more than once in a blue moon (of the 564 still-active stories I've reviewed, 25 are EqG-tagged). Not only are there plenty of folks for whom it's an even harder sell than me (I have literally seen them say so, this is not hyperbole), and for whom its a known fact and would thus be a better candidate for this aside, I'd still in a vacuum chose an EqG fic over one to do with certain characters or aspects of FiM (the last two seasons and/or characters from there, yes, but not just that).
I think it just comes up because of how high, relative to once it once was, the ratio of EqG interest to FiM interest is these days. While the ratio of all stories on the site between the two is 12.27:1, the ratio of output now is a lot more evened out – 2023 had only 5.75 FiM stories for every EqG one. That, and a lot of the circles I frequent gravitate towards it even more than that, so relative to their interests, I register as something of an outlier to those people.
In any case, an EqG fic from you would have a decent chance, given I like your writing and find it quality. Assuming it's not carrying other genres or characters you like to dabble in that are hard sells for me (anything overtly dark, Octavia, human/anthro, etc.). And you know I am less of a dialogue writer than most, so that you're pivoting towards less of that and a more show-heavy style has piqued my interest.
You don't say…
Now this does ring a bell. 
Yay, Imaginary!
Only been a few months since I reread it. I liked it then, and will be getting to its much-years-later sequel soon.
And Octavia's Last Night was a jewel of a piece – Dan has had difficulties in crafting together anything longer than a one-shot for the last four years, but this shows even a novella can work as well as any novel, despite and because of it being a pontification of a known work. Take out OctaScratch shipping, and I'm no less game for a great Octavia story than the next spirit, and boy howdy, is this that. Even apart from how well chosen the changes to the original rock opera are, the story makes sense in reference to itself, and runs the gauntlet in triggered emotions, between the banter with Discord and the all-too human tragedy of most of it.
If you enjoyed Marco Polo's book, you might want to try The Travels of Ibn Battuta. It was written about 50 years after Marco Polo's book. There's quite a bit of overlap, but it also covers other places, some of which are almost entirely unknown to modern Americans. African cities get a good deal of attention. He's a more entertaining writer than Polo, too. (IMHO)
5773336
"Not only are there plenty of folks for whom it's an even harder sell than me..."
*Waves at Mike*
I've never kept a journal, so I don't actually know how they're typically written, but if I did keep one, it would be more readable than a bulleted list of events. Having more unique formatting throughout would have been a good idea, though. Like zalgo text, or something.
I suppose I should have clarified that I meant this in regards to eldrich horror stories specifically, not fiction in general. The draw in this subgenre isn't really the agency of the characters, IMO, as something like an Old God is unstoppable regardless of what they do. Rather, it's unpacking the mystery. In something like a slasher movie, by contrast, it's the opposite. The draw there is to see how the characters react to the monster(s). Some flee, some fight back, some trip over themselves in panic and get caught. The point I was trying to make about The Gilderoy Expedition is that you were trying to mix bits of both. Does that make more sense?
Then again, it's also possible I just don't know what I'm talking about lol. You're very experienced with horror media and this was my first crack at producing any. Either way, I'm probably going to stick to fantasy/sci-fi adventures moving forwards.
I'm really curious what you'll start work on after Guppy Love. Your story in A Parliament of Wizards was a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to seeing what sort of tale you tell next.
Hey, for the second time in recent memory, someone has reviewed a story written for me during Jinglemas! And I'd actually been looking for this one. They used to get posted under a username for the event, but then after the event, they got deleted as the authors posted them under their own accounts. And then the collab account got deleted altogether, too, so there was no way to see the comment sections of old events and see the list of who wrote what for whom. Only this year did I go back and find all the old ones written for me so I could add them to a private bookshelf, but I'd been missing one, and lo! Here it is! Yes, it was a simple but cozy story.
I really liked Dan's story. I forget now whether it explicitly says anywhere that it's an adaptation of that opera (which I didn't even know existed). Either it doesn't or I promptly forgot after seeing such. I feel I didn't know, because if I did, I would have looked into the opera to make sure it wasn't too close a copy. But Dan's a safe bet on that anyway, since he'd have too much authorial integrity to do that.
Thank you very much for the high review of OLN. I, too, am a huge fan of the the inspiration album (obviously) and had the idea for that story on the backburner for most of my FIM career. It is vindicating that so many reviewers have looked favorably on it, but most of all I am happy ponies have taken the time to give it a read.
wooo guppy love! hope the corrections phase goes well, and that you can have some fun with it too (going back to polish up a fic is always super fun for me personally lol)
Always fun to read these reviews. Even the old Surface Deep one.
Imaginary is one of my personal favorites that I've written, given that Sarah is based off the daughter I lost. Was a very difficult to write story, but also somewhat therapeutic. The sequel was also a hard write, given that it also touches on real life events. I wish I had time to write more.
5773336
I embraced my inner nerd and actually fact checked this. Turns out blue moons occur seven times per Metonic Cycle, which comes out to 3% of 228 months. 25 stories out of 564 is around 4.4%. So I am surprised to say: Fact Check True!
Why thank you, I appreciate that.
Doesn't "EqG fic" automatically equate to human?
I am indeed trying to cut down on the amount of dialogue in the story. I'm also trying to avoid specifying character thoughts, direct or indirectly. So at no point do I say something like "she felt like..." or "Her emotions were...", et cetera. On the rare instance I do mention emotional feedback, it's meant to be describing how a character appears vs. their actual thoughts, and I might go back through it and cut those out too. I don't know how well it's going to work because it's not my usual method, but it's fun to try different things and I have attempted this before (RE: One Night at Fluttershy's).
Oh? Is this because you don't like the pairing or because it's so common? Neither? I for one am not opposed, but I kind of like seeing either of them paired differently from time to time. Also, I prefer "ScratchTavia". I feel it rolls off the tongue more.
5773339
I think I've heard of Ibn Battuta, but only in reference/comparison to Polo in my brief bout of research. Might be worth looking into.
5773341
My thought regarding journals is that they aren't neatly prepared, perfect texts, they are conscious thought. Especially in a world were everything has to be written down on paper/scrolls, you don't get to edit this stuff and make it look pretty. Sentences can cut off as a thought is interrupted; sentences may be struck out as the writer thinks of a different one; words might appear in different sizes. One might even consider misspelled words, although puling that particular gimmick off relies heavily on audience trust and maybe a strict set of rules to when and how it is done so as to clue said audience in that it's intentional.
Point is, playing with the text in this way is a great method for demonstrating the fictional writer's situation and/or emotional sate and goes a long way towards pulling a non-fictional reader into the story. At least, that's my take on it.
Your exact line: "Ok yeah, I can appreciate what you were going for here, but too many people in succession were indeed hit with the idiot stick. It broke my immersion in regards to the admittedly creepy elements." How could I interpret that as anything other than "I, having the benefit of audience awareness, think your characters all made stupid decisions and thus your story is bad"? Which, in turn, I took to mean that character agency was very important for you. So it struck me as odd that your story completely removed the MC's agency more or less from the start by making him unaware that anything was happening.
Now that you've explained what you meant in The Gilderoy Expedition, I still don't see mixing the two as a flaw. Not even remotely. Why shouldn't we have both? Heck, one of Lovecraft's most famous stories, At The Mountains of Madness (which is what inspired The Gilderoy Expedition in the first place), itself mixed both in its own way. It's fine to say that the mystery and the unstoppable nature of the unknown is the primary draw in Eldritch Horror, because it very much is, but that doesn't mean it has to be the sole draw. If anything, mixing it up can be a way to draw in readers who just don't "get" the real point behind Eldritch Horror.
5773345
I don't actually know what I plan to do next. I have a lot of options in the form of old ideas, and I gravitate towards different options constantly.
Right now I'm considering my brownies story. Years before I joined FIMFiction I wrote a short story about a trio of rough-and-tumble brownies living in a remote cottage where they secretly help the human owners with things like chores in exchange for food (the humans never actually make an appearance). They befriend the local fantasy creatures, the most prominent of which included a dainty water faerie and a kindly kikimora (technically, the kikimora was the MC). The conflict focused on how one of the brownies summoned Bloody Mary one too many times, offending her with his lack of empathy towards her situation, so the brownies, faerie, and kikimora worked together to appease her with a gift. The goal at the time was to have mythological creatures/cryptids/urban legends from multiple cultures interacting.
The story is a favorite of my mother's and she's been pushing me to write a novel (or at least novelette) out of the concept for some two decades. I have what I believe is a good idea for an expanded version. It was never a high priority, but right now I'm thinking about it again. Right now. I might gravitate towards something entirely different by this time next month.
5773346
Glad I helped you relocate an old favorite! Also, genuinely surprised you've never heard of Beethoven's Last Night.
5773386
We are all such nerds, aren’t we?
Honestly does compel me to note that some of those stories are fully set on the pony side of the portal, and may only have the EqG tag due to the presence of Sunset/other characters. At most, though, this would only apply to 7, and 18 of 564 is still just over 3%. Still a win!
Plus, there’s probably the rare story without the EqG tag that really should have it too.
Not in the same way as literally using the tag. There’s a difference between an EqG fic and, say, one of Admiral Biscuit’s “pony on earth” stories (which for the record, I actually like because of how much he’s got there witting style and tone down, even if they do get very dandy after a fashion). The EqG tag will still carry connections and characters to the ponies that are the main attraction for me; a human tag, if it’s not a HiE, usually means it’s just an AU (granted, plenty EqG docs are basically this). All depends on the fig, really.
In any case, as you’ll know from me having edited one of your EqG fics and a short-ish Bulletproof Heart fic, whatever my personal tastes, I respond to the essence and soul of writing all the same when it comes to evaluating and/or assisting it.
Setting aside that I am not a shipping kind of person to begin with, I wouldn’t say I have any specific dislike of it. Mostly, it’s just for the same reason I tend to be cool on other background ponies that struck it big in the fandom’s early days (Derpy, Lyra, Bon Bon, Doctor Whooves, etc.) – without the personal attachment from the context of going through that time, it’s hard to feel much personal enthusiasm. And because these were far more popular early on (TCC56 did a character tag analysis recently, and these background ponies see far less action these days even relative to overall fic output), most of their fics, centred earlier in the site’s lifespan, are doing the same old, same old. More than most ships or characters, LyraBon and ScratchTavi expect you to be hugely invested in them going in, and lack context or buildup otherwise.
Being honest, most of the stuff done with Vinyl in fandom even outside of being with Octavia doesn’t appeal to me either. I am too loyal to her “mute, shrugs for reactions” moments in the show, so even her common “rough and abrasive” type tends to be a “oh crumbs, not for me” moment. In a way that isn’t as true for Octavia, because posh Britishness is always a win, and even if it came from the fandom, her being like that in “Slice of Life” cemented it in my head.
I’m largely spitballing, of course. As Dan’s fic showed, give me something special and quality, and I’ll almost certainly lap it up.
It does. You can tell I don’t often write a ship name for these two, let alone say it out loud.
5773368
I usually feel very negatively about the editing process. My brain has this tendency to think "the story's written, stop tinkering and write something new!" I've gotten better at shutting that voice down over the years, but it's never quite gone away. That said, I'm enjoying the process for Guppy Love more than I usually do. Perhaps that means something.
5773373
Oh, hey, there is a sequel! How did I miss that? Into my bookshelves it goes.
5773390
this is a *fascinating* concept
5773397
You can find the original short story on fictionpress, which was my haunting ground prior to coming to FIMFiction. But beware: I wrote it waaaaay back before I ever encountered that thing known as "constructive criticism", so it's rough in a lot of ways.
Man, I haven't been to fictionpress in well over a decade. Feels weird looking at all my old stuff.
5773391
Though I'm a big fan of classical, I'm generally not into classical-adjacent stuff. For example, I am at least aware of the movie Amadeus, but from what little I've seen of it, I can't stand it (only partly because of its very questionable historical accuracy). I'd heard of something similar to the concept of that opera, but I can't remember what it was now. I guess a similar concept has been done enough, kinda like the TNG ep where Q gave Picard a chance to change his past.
5773392
Despite having been around in very early days (enough to marathon S1 and watch S2's opening the date of release), I too was never down with the Lyras and Vinyls of the show. For whatever reason I fell into counter-culture bronydom and tied myself tightly to early-mid series punching bags: Celestia, Applejack, and my first fic was about Blueblood of all ponies.
As for why I used Octascratch while not being a huge fan, that's loving the non-pone story and fitting the best characters to it, babey.
5773629
That counter-culture mentality isn’t a surprise, my friend.
In any case, your story barely registered as an OctaScratch to me either. On top of the romance being used as an element of Octavia’s life that she never experienced, as opposed to the primary focus of the fic (you could argue it is the main focus, or at least the most important thing, and it probably is, but that’s still not the same as being a direct shipfic), it’s being used in such an unconventional way for such an unconventional story that there’s no space for the usual things I’d find off-putting about it to nose their way in.
Also, no romance tag, meaning from the outside it’s not the “main” focus, unless the author was lying (which you weren’t
).
Regardless, yes, Octavia and Vinyl are too perfect a fit for a ponification of this story, it couldn’t have been anypony else. Ditto for Discord, Tirek and really all the others we see throughout.
5773633
I guess to dive even deeper for my own motives, unlike a lot of bronies I didn't come from the furry community, and so the idea of having an OC for more than gaming/writing purposes was fairly alien to me. That's all the pair really were in the early days, and with dozens of actual characters available even in S1 I never saw the point in the obsessive fandom adoptions.
I'm not surprised at all that such stories have fallen off (especially for Ditzy, good god now that I think about it I rarely see her around these days), having a fairly unique appeal to the people who were in at the birth and the fandom is a lot bigger than just them these days.
When you first started using Roman Numerals did ya ever think you be hitting the cccliii's?
5774809
I was mildly surprised I hit the liii's.