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Chrysalis' scheme has borne fruit. United by bribes and promises, the leaders of each nation have come with her to deliver an ultimatum: surrender Equestria, or face hopeless war with their combined armies.
So why does Celestia look to Chrysalis with a gentle, mourning gaze? And why is Chrysalis afraid?
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DAAAAAAAAAAMN. This story.
This is a really great story. It was a great read.
Excellent, as is to be expected. Doubly grateful that you bothered giving the surrounding nations actual nuance and character instead of just having them be a bland vessel for treason.
me thinks grunder knew what was gonna happen... that or he was unconscious before chrysi even knew what was going on. (it occurs to me grunder may have passed away before she even started looking around at them) you'll know better though- your story
i think chrysi forgot that when celestia said she could bring ruin upon them with the sun, she didn't understand.
I admit, I like stories where Celestia is really powerful and hides it. In this instance, like Galadriel, she refuses The One Ring. . It also hearkens back to the days of warrior Kings/Queens who have to fight and kill to remain in power and to protect their people. Your Celestia, like the Canon one, does not want to kill, but she is more than capable, if pushed. Props for making a good convincing story.
Cool
Damn.
I love Celestia in general, but this Celestia is on a level way above many many version that exist of her.
So much worldbuilding in so little.
EDIT: Congrats on getting it to the top of the feautured box so soon. heh
This looks excellent. I'm mid writing right now on my fic, but will be back soon, perhaps with a little review. I'd love to see some world building of neighboring nations, all of my yes! Be back soon.
Good ol' benevolent Celestia.
Damn, I love this story; there aren't enough like it in my opinion.
Princess Celestia, and nothing more.
This story was an incredible delight to read; from the world-building to the tension, it felt amazing to soak in and digest the unfolding drama piece-by-piece. I think one of the most major factors that contributes to The First Flame's wonderful flow and pacing is just how neatly this second chapter tidies the story up in an immaculate bow. You could have easily stopped at the first chapter, but instead you provided us the answers to the unasked questions: the resolution to the alliance, the conversation with the successor, and a shimmering glint of what the story's title may allude to. Tight, compact, and profound, The First Flame is magical.
I'm not great at being critical, but I can say soundly that this sure as hell as was an awesome read.
This is a really good serious story (while still PG at maximum), which is still very compatible with canon Celestia. It is also nice how you contrast knowledge and true wisdom.
Don't generally enjoy stories that potray Celestia as far more powerful then what's been established, but this was absolutely perfect! A Celestia that is inherently trying to do everything to stop conflict but can only be pushed so far.
A deserved feature! Excellent work!
Short, interesting, and thought-provoking-- as all good writing should be.
I really enjoyed this! Politicking between nations often make for interesting stories, but your superb characterization of Celestia really helps to take it up a notch. Her steel, somber disposition adds weight to her words and really sells her as a living god.
I think the only criticism I have is that the start of the second chapter, with its heavy summarization, doesn't really maintain the momentum from the end of the first chapter.
Regardless, this story was a pleasure to read.
Very well written. Normally I want stories to be longer but I think you nailed the length. You also nailed the execution, timing, dialogue, flow, etc... Definitely an A+ even if it wasn't personally my favorite story, but that was just because of the concept and had nothing to do with the construction of the narrative.
Well, that went deeper than I expected, yet oddly the part that drove me most to thought was the quote from Mark Twain at the end. Even now I'm distracted frequently from typing this to ponder just what light that casts religion in. Surely no god of this world whom truly cares for it would be perfect for the world itself is not.
That was amazing. The last line makes it. After a little thought it reminds me of the old myths of elves and fairies. Celestia is the last, in all of her terrible power and grace.
The quote from Twain is great too.
That ending does make it quite lovely, in its own way. Beautiful without that final line, but much more so with it.
Beautiful and terrible as the dawn, but not so terrible as her destroyed monstrously beautiful kin. And well aware the best way to avoid becoming like them is to always deny tapping into that side of oneself.
And then Celestia sprayed Chrysalis with Black Flag.
lol, bugs..
Eh, problem is this deviates massively from the show and these 'nations' simply don't register. They're overpowered, Celestia's overpowered. Heck, people keep giving minotaurs a massive nation in fanfics, but we've seen only ONE in the entire 8 seasons of the show. At least in other stories with a minotaur nation, there are enough chapters to build it up. The story needs time to establish this world, because it's a radical departure from Equestria.
Twain, in his latter life, was a very unhappy man. He made a God in his own image... and still found him lacking.
Do not think to imagine the incomprehensible. You will only fail.
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9060498
In the comics, Iron Will mentions he has a wife (and that they live together in a maze - mythology reference get!).
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You've made similar comments before that "more buildup is needed," but I don't think I ever took the time to describe why that's wrong.
Look at good short stories from classical eras. The Grand Inquisitor didn't need to walk us through a description of the Catholic Church and the Inquisitor's life story. Call of Cthulhu didn't need to greatly detail the narrator, or tell us what fucking America is. The notion that short stories need a Tolkein-esque buildup is not only wrong, it's actively terrible advice. For example:
Ignoring your incorrect statement that it's a "radical departure," let's say that I took your advice. Massive worldbuilding from Chrysalis' point of view as she builds her alliance, long descriptions of each race and culture, then an unforeseen and abrupt resolution at the very end. It would change the focus of the story and irreparably damage the pacing, because I just vomited up 50K that were ultimately useless for the resolution. Similarly, while the history of the Inquisition would doubtless establish context in the above example, it would bore the reader and damage the sharp emotion of the work.
What I describe holds doubly true in fanfics, because we really don't need every Fluttershy-tagged short story to include a chapter describing how and why she is she is timid.
Short stories are about an event and the accompanying emotion - they make their hay by rattling forwards while providing enough context/world to root the audience. The notion substantial time should be taken before to establish a world is bunk, plain and simple. Word baggage and unneeded exposition is the death of stories.
Nobody cares but you.
9060498
I hear this a lot for one shots, and it's an argument that really doesn't hold water. The point is that there isn't a lot of deep background and explaining; that's not what the story is about. The world is simply a backdrop for the character drama to take place upon. Sure, the world is quite integral to things; if the reader doesn't care much about the world, then the events happening to the characters don't hold up, but the magic with this story is that it - even with it's meager level of world-building - constructs a stage which we do indeed care about. We know these nations are big, and we know they're friendly with one another and happy with one another, so the prospect of them being forced to fight their ally is something the reader doesn't at all wish for.
More than this is the author's (I assume) intentional decision to leave things vague; the rest is for the reader to draw. I found myself pausing in between lines to create and imagine what the hinted at world looks like rather than shlocking through 10,000 words of emotionless description just to paint the picture of this near-future Equestria.
9060555 Yes... in the comics. And it's still not a massive nation, just a couple more. There's no suggestion they have a a nation or sizeable numbers.
Same with the Diamond Dogs. We've seen them ONCE: a single 'pack' living on the far outskirts of Ponyville.
The griffons seem to comprise just one city.
In fact, the ONLY massively threatening canon species other than the (former) changelings (now Skittles Bugs) are the dragons. They are both rather plentiful and immensely powerful.
9060599 But in that case, what's the point of basing this short story with such radically different world-building and rules upon a show with a distinctly different set of circumstances? It's clearly relying on familiarity with source material, while at the same time starkly sundering itself from it.
This needed to be a longer alt-universe of novella-length at least to make the case for this 'new' world. As a story, it can't stand on its own without the benefit of the show's information, but it also doesn't follow canon enough to work as a branch-off from FiM. It's just a story fragment; a chapter or two of a much longer work severed from the context of the remainder of the narrative.
9060624
I agree and disagree. On one hand, the story really shouldn't have deviated from canon when canon in some areas would work much better. The dragons would have been much better than the minotaurs.
The story did accomplish what it set out to accomplish though. Quickly set up the geopolitical map where Equestria is the single most powerful nation economically, but weakest militarily, and that Chrysalis has aligned every power worth mentioning against Celestia. Then show that Celestia is actually overwhelmingly powerful, but doesn't want to fall down the slippery slope of tyranny. There isn't really a need for any more detail than that in a short story.
9060624
Different, sure. Radically different? Not even close. If it were radically different, then this would be an alt-universe about Day Breaker putting down rebellion from the nations mentioned in the story. All of these nations exist in canon, Equestria exists in canon, and all of the characters exist in canon. Indeed, the scale might be larger, but it's established this is sometime in the future, not right now.
I fundamentally disagree with that. I don't even think this story would benefit from a little more context, let alone an entire novella's worth. Once again, you don't need to write 20,000 words of world-building just to set up 5000 words of character interaction. I don't mean to sound like a douche with this, but you're reading this story entirely wrong if you think it needs more set-up.
Isn't that the entire point of a fanfic, though?
What narrative? The problem with this criticism is that you're trying to look behind the curtains too hard. The point of this short story is that it is the narrative; the narrative is baked into the little lines of narration in between sharp, poignant, and well-written dialogue. We don't need to know how Equestria and her neighboring nations got to this point because it doesn't matter, and frankly I don't think anyone would care to know. It's like looking at a painting of a flower and complaining that there isn't an essay on photosynthesis stapled to the frame.
One detail that Morphus and everyone else overlooked. How, exactly, did the flimsy paper treaty survive the explosion but someone as rugged as a changeling queen or an adult minotaur could not?
The only logical reason would be that Celestia wanted it to. Any sequence of events she could make up to explain how this could happen would be dubious at best.
Of course, pointing this out to someone who you suspect has just committed multiple acts of regicide might be ... unwise.
9060624
This is bunk. All of these species are established, and nothing of what occurred contrasted any absolutes the show laid forth aside from the very recent mass-reformation of the changelings. And frankly, criticizing a fanfic for diverging from canon is nonesense. Thousands of fics have distanced from canon more decisively than this. This is absurdly weak criticism.
I have previously stated why you are wrong.
This criticism is actively stupid. It is absolutely okay for fanfiction to rely on show knowledge, because otherwise we have to relearn Fluttershy is a shy yellow pegasus who likes animals in every single fic. And again, there are thousands of fimfics that don't strictly follow canon. If your criticisms were taken to heart it would be actively detrimental to aspiring authors seeking to learn and to the community as a whole.
I have previously stated why you are wrong.
Alondro, you really need to learn the difference between "I didn't like this" and "it was bad." Based on your very strange opinions regarding fanfictions and short stories, I can comfortably say it is a big difference.
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Didn't want to kill Torch, he's a cool dude.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I guess if you want to bridge the gaps, they're too anarchic, dispersed and isolated to really count as a power, and totally indifferent to promises of territory, so were ignored by Chrysalis.
9060669 A good fanfic takes the source material and builds a narrative of its own that's able to stand apart, even assuming the source material never existed.
You could say that FiM was, in fact, a fanfic of the original 1980's series. THAT is how it's done.
That was an amazing read Dan. Loved every word of ot, especially all the small references to the First Flame you put in that hint at a longer history. That final reversal in the last line really ties it all together!
I think I'm going to check this one out, Rune. Thanks for the write!
It was good, using Twain's idea of what a god should be as a basis
I would have taken it a different route. I really want to in fact.
I’ve been meaning to read something of yours for a while, and I can say I’m certainly not disappointed.
Oh wow! I definitely liked it. This is the kind of storytelling that piques my interest the most!
I absolutely adore high fantasy drama/adventure stories.
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Can't you just agree to disagree?
The conflict of opinions is an unfortunate but inevitable thing. But at this point, you two have dug in your positions and aren't giving an inch. There is little point anymore in arguing over which is better, unless you two are engaged in a friendly debate for the academic betterment of all, which I don't think you are. Besides, this isn't exactly the best place for it.
I won't say which is better, since – and I'm getting a bit philosophical here – there is no true better. Everyone has different options, and like I said, conflict is inevitable. But you can choose what to do with that conflict. Will you engage in an inconsequential and petty argument over it, or will you accept that there are differing opinions out there – opinions which have merit to themselves? It's your choice.
I think this was just perfect. It didn't need world-building for the kind of story it is. It's not a longer, exploratory story. It gives us all we need to know for this specific setting, and 'diverging from canon' that people are talking about is silly. All fan-writing falls into that, no matter how close to the show it is. Not to mention the show doesn't give us much extra-territorial and geopolitical to work with. Criticizing a great story because of something like that is the height of silliness.
We got a wonderful story of a surprisingly mortal Godlestia who, in the end, is just an old, sad mare who grasps at fleeting hope and moments of goodness, her only reward for sacrificing so much for the sake of everyone else in the long run. We are painted the picture of someone who truly plays the long game, not spiting the future for the sake of today's individuals, who is so wise as to know and shape the course, guiding - even if by example - towards a better future for everyone, at the cost of her own happiness.
As always I continue to believe, regardless of canon, that the unicorns didn't control the heavens, they just used their cunning and intellect - greater than that of the other two tribes, and the mysteriousness of their horn-magic to make it seem like they did, thus forcing earth ponies to grow food for them and pegasi to not try and conquer them with their military might. So a Celestia or Celestia/Luna who existed before this paltry 'thousand years ago' time period (that somehow everything falls into) fits with the way I like to see things, anyway.
9060624
Could you cease being the biggest negative nancy on this website? You have so much goddamned criticisms and things to bitch about almost every fanfic, yet I don't see you crafting your own.
Huh. And here I thought this was going to be about Dark Souls.
Also, Harshwhinny > Celestia.
Lmao yeah, Alondro really is that cancer that the mods won’t ban.
Anyway, loved the story.
Was the final implication that she was originally one of the demons, or just that playing god would ultimately be evil no matter how benevolent she was at first?
In any case, I loved it, from the gut twisting sympathy for a good person/nation about to be ruined by evil, to the satisfying turn-around, to the surprise philosophical ending.
I liked it even though I really hate when stories make Celestia godlike and Luna just some bonus Alicorn the story needs out of the way.
Interesting read.
Although Oplestia committing regicide and getting kinda away scot-free somewhat soured it to me little bit. Despite her having looong run peace reasons.
Result; no like nor dislike, but gets in faves for later re-read.
Still a good read. Keep it up.
I liked this story a lot. It was evocative, and less a narrative than a kind of extended introspection with one big plot point. The relationship with the replacement monarchs could have stood to be as fleshed out as the first chapter, though Morphus was very well done. Nice work!
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That she was one of them. It helps us to understand why she would refuse her temptation and Morphus' request to become a savior figure - because she knows her kind all too well.
Loved it.
Not too long, just enough hanging mystery, and well expressed body language and conversation.
Good hook at the end too.
Honestly, I loved it.
Through both cultural and personal quirks, I intrinsically distrust authority and idolize those who decline it when they are offered (how rare they are), so it would only follow that the idea of a Celestia who could easily exercise command of the whole world yet chooses not to and empowers those around her towards self-command, would naturally be appealing to me.
Sooo... Was Celestia the "First Flame" or not?
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yep, and the 'evil gods' were of the same species