• Member Since 14th Aug, 2014
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"I haven't seen a bigger waste of talent since Dan Marino." -Lucky Seven; Want to support me?


"'Colts will be Colts' is not a sentiment that applies here at my Friendship School!

Times have changed. Kids or not, everyone, students of friendship included, have to answer for these sorts of disrespectful displays. Now, all of you, down to Counselor Glimmer's office, immediately! I'm going to have a long chat with her about what to do with you all!"

EDIT: Featured #2 same day, 3/21/19! Thanks!
EDIT: #1 same day! YEET- thanks all!
EDIT: Now with an AUDIO READING by Skijarama!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 228 )
TDR #1 · Mar 21st, 2019 · · ·

This is exactly what i thought it was and it was still great.

This... is... BEAUTIFUL!

Resu #3 · Mar 21st, 2019 · · ·

I like the thumbnail

So is Twilight mad about that list for the same reason as Twilight?

I wasn't sure where it was going at first. You have quite a way with comedic writing. The misdirection was perfect, and I love it!

.....why do I want a sequel with the "improved" list?

“I can’t feel the side of my face,” Sandbar half-slurred. “Am I having a stroke?”

I LOLed.

First of all:

Exhaling, she closed her head and shook her head,

Weird mistake her that needs fixing.
Second of all:

I have a glorious manedo

False. Starlight Glimmer's mane is literally one of the worst in the show and that should have been mentioned in the story by one of the boys. Seriously, go look at it; her mane, which should be centered down the length of her head, is inexplicably lopsided and looks like some sort of comb-over of a balding person. It makes sense on Human-Glimmer, but it's atrocious on a pony.

So is Twilight mad about that list for the same reason as Twilight?

Is Twilight mad about that list for the same reason as Starlight? Maybe, but probably not. She'd be really upset if she heard all the horrible things Starlight just said about her, though.
Damn, she was savage on the poor princess.
What did you not see coming? Because the whole "Starlight being mad about the order of the list" thing was super obvious from the first mention of a hotness list.

“Give me that,” Starlight sneered, snatching the paper from his grasp. She brought it over to her desk and begun enunciating the list clearly and loudly. “Number one, Professor Rarity. Number two, Professor Rainbow Dash. Number three, Headmare Twilight Sparkle. Number four, Counselor Starlight Glimmer. Number five, Professor Fluttershy. Number six, Professor Applejack. Number seven, Professor Pinkie Pie.”

(Hasn't read it all yet)
Let me guess: Twilight and Starlight are not upset so much about the list being made, as they are the order in which they're on, or NOT on that list. :trollestia:

“Apology not accepted!” Starlight cut back tersely. Pausing, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath to center herself. “I’m not mad , I’m just very, very disappointed in you all.”

That's it, isn't it? Someone upset about anything else would have used different wording...

“I mean, Twilight is higher on the list than me? You’re teenage colts, you should know better by now!”

HA! Someone give that dog a treat, cuz I called it!

Silver Lining, always the one to speak his mind before thinking, interjected. “Uh…wait…You’re, like, not mad at us because we were disrespecting mares?”

No they weren't. Fact of the matter is, some females are more attractive than others, and differing people will have different opinions on what makes a girl/woman/mare attractive. If someone is upset because somebody thinks they're less attractive than someone else, that's their problem.


Sandbar opened his mouth to respond, but before he could do so, the door to the counselor’s office opened and Princess Headmare Twilight Sparkle trotted out. Closing the door behind her, she eyed the group of five sharply. Exhaling, she closed her head and shook her head, as if trying to clear it of an incredibly intrusive thought. “I really can’t believe it. I have no idea what to even say to you five.”

Ah, i think you mean "eye" :twilightsmile:
And also, having a "faculty hotness scale" is now my new headcanon :rainbowlaugh:

Yeah, I knew it was going to be a simple case of disapproving the ratings the second I read the chapter title. It's still hilarious either way.
My speculations for various teacher reactions based on likely reasoning:
:raritywink: "You have good taste, darlings."
:rainbowdetermined2: "Ha! Nailed it!"
:twilightangry2: (given)
Starlight: (given)
:fluttershysad: "Oh... um, okay..."
:ajbemused: "Yer kiddin', right?"
:pinkiesmile: "Eh, I can see it."

And I'm with 9519823. I'd kind of like to see a sequel either with an updated list or their actual reactions.

How much do you want to bet that Twilight was mad at them for titling their list as being "Official" when it was quite clearly unofficial? :pinkiecrazy:


😮{In my list, there's only Fluttershy.)

Starlight: “Silly kids, wouldn’t know ‘hotness’ if it came up and bit them in the face!”
Sandbar: “That happened once!”

You obviously don’t know a good mane style when you see one.

I so want to know how would Dash punish then, now :rainbowwild:

I would say based on their list they like dislike shyness like expressive personalities but also are really not into Earth Ponies

I think Starlight goes to the bottom of the list for being a selfish, mind controlling sociopath who blackmails small children whose mane looks terrible

This reminds me of a certain Grecian Myth..
*Cough* Golden Apple *Cough*
It was good!

Oh come on! Fluttershy is easily number one! Cute, adorable, shy, and soft spoken? If that doesn't make your heart explode, nothing will.

My list would be:

my list would be
rainbow dash,
pinkie pie,
[ever female ever]
but that just me

At least the Young 6's ladies didn't make a shipping list.

Honestly the sheer absurdity of the idea that they would get punished, simply for stating their opinion on how their teacher's rank in terms of attractiveness, kind of took me out of the story and made it hard for me to find it amusing.

Starlight is aware that beauty is entirely subjective right. Different people are attracted to different things.

My Personal List

  1. Rarity - I'm with the kids on that one, nothing wrong with a girl who takes pride in her appearance as long as she's not a dick about it. :raritywink:
  2. Applejack - I like me an honest, hard working girl who can kick some ass and Starlight can kiss my ass. :ajsmug:
  3. Twilight Sparkle - She's an attractive nerd which is always a good thing while also being able to take charge. :twilightsmile:
  4. Rainbow Dash - Loses points due to her over-inflated ego but I like her coloration. :rainbowdetermined2:
  5. Starlight Glimmer - She's alright though the mental health issues are a bit of a turn off.
  6. Fluttershy - I like her more when she's sticking up for herself and her friends, not into complete doormats. :fluttershysad:
  7. Pinkie Pie - I've always found her completely insufferable and it wouldn't matter what she looked like, that would still be the case. :pinkiesad2:

Only Sunset Shimmer can truly compete with Rarity.

Starlight Glimmer got the Peggy Bundy hairstyle going for her.

“I mean, what did I do wrong?” Starlight asked them. “I’m the fun, sassy counselor! I have a glorious manedo, an immaculately brushed coat, a highly attractive color scheme, and a mischievous streak! I at least deserve second place.”

You know...I'm getting the impression Starlight's not very self-assured of her own attractiveness. :rainbowlaugh:

I never really saw the point of lists such as this, myself. As others have pointed out, beauty and attractiveness is subjective and varies on personal opinion. There's always going to be someone that's going to disagree with the listed order...as this fic so nicely demonstrates, incidentally. :trollestia:

That does sound like a very Twilight sort of thing to have happen. :rainbowlaugh:

Now... do the girls have a list? :rainbowkiss:

I agree, that list is trash!

That being said, are we ranking pure physical attractiveness? Girlfriend material? Wife? What's the story here? The rankings vary a lot based on those factors!

Although.... I don't think Starlight would be any happier with my list, because by any metric I still put her at the very bottom. :twilightsmile:

That is a very fair question, and the only reason I can possibly think of is if the pets come part and parcel with her. I wouldn't enjoy living in a zoo.

In basically every other way, yes. She's perfect.

Maybe it just hasn't been discovered yet.

I wouldn't put it passed them.

CategoricalGrant, we need this idea as a sequel.

I find it more offensive that there are no male faculty members for straight fillies to put on their lists.

I’m just very, very disappointed in you all.”

*hissing in simpathy*
This hurts much more

“And Applejack should absolutely be in last place. I mean, she’s practically got the voice of a stallion, and I guarantee you she could beat up half the guys in Ponyville. Believe me, you do not want to be caught in love with that.”

*Left eye twitches*


We need a young ladies list indeed

Especially when they don't include any information about the methodology for its construction. How could it possibly be advertised as difinitive if there is no basis for it even being scientifically valid?

This needs a sequel with Gallus and Sandbar having to explain a similar list of the remaining four of the young six. Having to explain themselves to those four on how they ranked them each would be amazing.

I think I'm more concerned why faculty decided to go through student dorm rooms and picked through their stuff to find said list in the first place.

I mean, is there a contraband policy in action? And if so, shouldn't the students be present during contraband searches?

I'm not a big fan of this. Why are they being punished for their opinion?


The assembled students looked down at the ground, entirely overcome by the embarrassment of their situation. The list they had made had been posted on the wall in their room clearly, for any visitor to see, and they had been thoroughly found out. There was no more hiding; it was time to face the music.

Cleary a person with bad taste right here. Anyone who doesn't have Starlight at the top of the list OFFICIALLY has bad taste,

You are missing the fact that they all have severe mental issues. Starlight has the least.


What was the faculty doing in their room?

It's a bunch of teenage col... um, bo... males in a residential educational facility which bears, as far as we can tell, more resemblance to a British public school-- and an old style one at that-- than anything modern. it's a bit startling that it's even co-educational.

Of course the staff is going to check up on the rooms. The place is basically a multi-species cross between Hogwarts and any of a dozen Victorian fictional schools (I have Eton leaping into mind for some reason, even if it is a real place).

(Also, Glimmy, Twilight's got that whole Alicorn Glamour thing going. Males are going to notice that in ways females (and teachers) aren't. Magic is as magic is, you should know that.)

Plot twist Gallus and sandbar had sex in their dorm.


1. Rainbow Dash
2. Starlight Glimmer
3. Fluttershy
4. Twilight Sparkle
5. Rarity
6. Applejack
7. Pinkie Pie

I wish I could put best pony on here but she don't teach :(

9520081 And she messed with time! Creating multiple very bad case timelines, one of which was a barren wasteland with no apparant sign of life whatsoever. And not even the slightest punishment! Let's not forget that!

we need a sequel where the girls find out about the list and start a massive fight over it

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