I'm Not Mad. I'm Just Very, Very Disappointed.
Gallus groaned and leaned his head back against the wall. “Du-ude, we are so screwed!”
From his seat next to Gallus on the bench, Sandbar shifted uncomfortably. “C-c’mon Gallus, it can’t be that bad…right?” Sandbar looked over to the other colts that he and Gallus shared a room with, looking for some encouragement.
The others just mumbled incoherently and looked around in all directions.
“Sandbar,” Gallus reiterated, his gaze fixed squarely on the ceiling, “we are screwed, okay? It’s over. We’ll be lucky if we’re not expelled!”
Sandbar opened his mouth to respond, but before he could do so, the door to the counselor’s office opened and Princess Headmare Twilight Sparkle trotted out. Closing the door behind her, she eyed the group of five sharply. Exhaling, she closed her head and shook her head, as if trying to clear it of an incredibly intrusive thought. “I really can’t believe it. I have no idea what to even say to you five.”
Sandbar started to speak, but was preempted by one of Twilight’s hooves.
“I don’t want to hear it. I’m going to pretend like this little incident never happened. You will march into Counselor Glimmer’s office together, and she will decide what punishment is fitting.” Turning her attention down the hallway, she marched away from the group. “SPIKE!” she cried loudly. “MAKE ME SOME CHAMOMILE TEA!”
One of Gallus and Sandbar’s roommates, a pegasus colt by the name of Silver Lining, cleared his throat. “…S-so, should we, like…go in?”
Groaning again in the exasperated fashion that he was so fond of, Gallus stood to his paws and talons. “Let’s just get this over with.”
A timid knock at the door was followed by a terse response.
“Come in.”
Gallus opened the door, and with their heads bowed, the four ponies and the griffon shuffled their way into the counselor’s office. Those who ventured a gaze upward found a stern and unforgiving expression behind the room’s imposing desk: Starlight Glimmer’s eyes were as circular as dinner plates, with small, piercing pupils. Her lips, pursed tightly, were mostly hidden behind a pair of hooves pressed tightly together, as if in concentration.
Gallus, Sandbar and two of their roommates took a tentative seat on Starlight’s couch, not daring to make themselves comfortable on the off chance that they had to promptly run for their lives. This, however, left no room for an awkwardly standing Silver Lining. After looking around, he cleared his throat. “U-um…”
Without moving her body in the slightest, Starlight Glimmer’s horn lit up in a magenta glow, and a seat quickly moved from a far corner of the room, sliding itself under Silver Lining.
The assembled accused remained silent, slowly withering under the school counselor’s piercing glare. Slowly, Starlight’s eyes panned to the left, then to the right as she took in the sorry lot that had been hauled before her.
The first sound the students heard from Starlight was a long, sharp exhalation, coming from her nostrils. When it had ended, Starlight moved her body for the first time since they had entered, lowering her hooves down to her desk. This exposed her taut, pursed lips for all to see, causing them all to shrink back even further.
Starlight’s horn lit up again, floating a piece of paper in front of her. It remained there for several seconds, blocking her face from view. Then, she floated it to the side and scanned the students again. Her eyes settled on Sandbar. “Sandbar,” she began, her voice calm and far too cold for comfort. “Why don’t you read the title of this page out loud for us?”
Sandbar swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat as the paper floated over to him. Reaching out with a shaking hoof, he nabbed it out of the air. He hesitated for a moment.
“Go on.”
Sandbar cleared his throat again. “Th-The Official School of F-Friendship F-Faculty Hotness R-R-Ranking.”
Starlight nabbed the page with her magic again. “The Official School of Friendship Faculty Hotness Ranking…” she repeated, emphasizing each word. Her eyes snapped to focus on Gallus. “Gallus,” she continued, floating the page over to him, “Why don’t you read this official ranking out loud for the rest of us?”
A chill ran down Gallus’ spine, causing him to convulse strangely. “I-I’d rather not.”
“Read it,” Starlight ordered, her voice taking on a dark, authoritarian air.
Gallus’ talons shook as he brought the paper to his face. “A-ah…I…O-o-one…”
“Give me that,” Starlight sneered, snatching the paper from his grasp. She brought it over to her desk and begun enunciating the list clearly and loudly. “Number one, Professor Rarity. Number two, Professor Rainbow Dash. Number three, Headmare Twilight Sparkle. Number four, Counselor Starlight Glimmer. Number five, Professor Fluttershy. Number six, Professor Applejack. Number seven, Professor Pinkie Pie.”
The assembled students looked down at the ground, entirely overcome by the embarrassment of their situation. The list they had made had been posted on the wall in their room clearly, for any visitor to see, and they had been thoroughly found out. There was no more hiding; it was time to face the music.
“What do you have to say about this?” Starlight asked those assembled.
Sandbar was the first to speak up. “Counselor Glimmer, we…we’re sorry. There’s no excuse for our actions.”
“Apology not accepted!” Starlight cut back tersely. Pausing, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath to center herself. “I’m not mad, I’m just very, very disappointed in you all.”
The students shifted uncomfortably. “We…we know,” Gallus sighed.
“I mean, Twilight is higher on the list than me? You’re teenage colts, you should know better by now!”
Gallus’ brow furrowed as he tried to process what Starlight said. He cast a furtive glance over at Sandbar, who appeared to be equally as confused.
Starlight let out a sequence of tutting noises before continuing her analysis. “And Applejack should absolutely be in last place. I mean, she’s practically got the voice of a stallion, and I guarantee you she could beat up half the guys in Ponyville. Believe me, you do not want to be caught in love with that.”
Silver Lining, always the one to speak his mind before thinking, interjected. “Uh…wait…You’re, like, not mad at us because we were disrespecting mares?”
“Oh, you were disrespecting mares,” Starlight huffed, rolling her eyes. She tapped her hoof on the paper repeatedly. “Not appreciating a mare’s beauty in its entirety is disrespecting them! For instance, you put me below Rarity, which is fine. She’s got the whole whiny, high-maintenance thing going on, which some of you boys are into, for some reason. But placing Rainbow Dash above me is highly suspect, and there is certainly no justification for putting me below Twilight, A.K.A uptight, bossy, bangs mare.”
The students gaped at Starlight, completely unable to speak. Not that they had anything to say, of course.
“I mean, what did I do wrong?” Starlight asked them. “I’m the fun, sassy counselor! I have a glorious manedo, an immaculately brushed coat, a highly attractive color scheme, and a mischievous streak! I at least deserve second place.”
“…Wait…” Gallus narrowed his eyes. “We’re…not in trouble?”
“Oh, you are absolutely in trouble,” Starlight cut back. “This list is atrocious. Why on earth is Rainbow Dash above Fluttershy?”
“Fluttershy is a super nice teacher, but she’s so, like, timid. Rainbow Dash is sleek and athletic,” Silver Lining argued back. The other students looked at him with horrified expressions, unable to even imagine defending themselves in this situation.
Starlight shook her head, incredulous. “Uh,” she cut back half-sarcastically, “You know that Fluttershy was literally a model, right?”
Silver Lining lifted a hoof to continue protesting, but the colt on the couch next to him stopped him with a hoof of his own.
Starlight huffed. “Worst of all, you put Pinkie Pie at the bottom of the list! I mean, she should be in the top four, easy. She’s the quintessential party mare. Why in Equestria did you rank her so low!?”
There was an awkard silence in the room as the students looked at their hooves or paws.
“I’m waiting for an answer.”
Sandbar bit his lip. “Well, it was because, you know…” He rolled his hoof in front of him as he searched for the right words. “She’s…carrying a little extra…weight.”
Starlight sat silently, pursing her lips, for almost twenty seconds. Then, she shook her head slowly. “You poor, poor kids. You think that’s a bad thing?”
The students shared an awkward glance, completely unsure of how and if to answer, much less the future direction of the conversation.
“No wonder none of you had dates to the spring dance,” Starlight sighed. “You wouldn’t know a good deal if it came and licked the side of your face.”
“…Hey!” Silver Lining protested, evidently more offended by the counselor’s words than worried about his own future at the school.
“Come on, boys, I mean, this is just sloppy work.” Starlight brought her mug up to her lips and took a long sip of a dark liquid. “I know that at least two of you have multiple female friends that could have helped polish this thing up. I guarantee you that if I went to the other boys’ dorm rooms, their lists are far more believable.”
“I’m not really sure what’s going on anymore,” Gallus stated plainly. “Miss Glimmer, can I ask a few questions?”
“Shoot,” Starlight said.
“So, first off, you’re not mad that we made the list in the first place?”
“Of course not. Who do you think I am, Twilight?” Starlight narrowed her eyes. “Don’t answer that. According to the list, you evidently think I’m worse than some uptight, bangs-wearing she-devil.”
“Oooookay,” Gallus responded, blinking rapidly. “But, we are still in trouble?”
“Yes.”
“Because…we didn’t say you were hot enough?”
“Because your whole list is garbage and offensive to hot mares everywhere. Including me, yes.”
“I can’t feel the side of my face,” Sandbar half-slurred. “Am I having a stroke?”
“Now,” Starlight Glimmer sighed, rising to her hooves and pacing around the group. “I have been placed in charge of your punishment. I will give you two options. I know that Twilight has already seen your list, but the others haven’t. Option one is to show the list to the them-“
“NO!” the five students cried simultaneously, their bodies jerking as they launched into fight-or-flight positions.
“-So that they can laugh at your terrible reasoning and childish analysis.”
“Wh-what’s option two?” Gallus gasped. “Please, tell us option two!”
“Option two is that you all get an in-school suspension this weekend. You’ll be grounded in your quarters until you can show me a hotness list that is remotely believable, complete with a two-thousand-word essay explaining your rationale. Each.”
The shoulders of the students collapsed as the groaned. One by one, they muttered their quiet acceptance.
“Those are my students,” Starlight declared, the slightest hint of pride seeping into her words. “Now, go to your rooms and get to work, now. If I hear you went off campus before you submit your assignment, I’ll have Rainbow Dash personally find each of you and dish out her own punishment.”
Grumbling, but with their ears plastered to the sides of their heads, the students trudged out of the room. After the last one left, Starlight groaned and rolled her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. Trotting back over to her desk, she took a seat in her imposing chair and kicked her hooves up on the desk top. Her horn lit up, busting out a pack of polaroids from a drawer nearby.
As she casually perused her collection of candid pictures of Sunburst, she allowed herself a contented sigh. “What would those kids do without me?”
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Kaipony · 3.1k words · 852 8 · 13k views
- Inky Scrolls · 9.5k words · 532 21 · 8.4k views
- LightOfTriumph · 4.1k words · 678 5 · 7.7k views
- Rated Ponystar · 1.9k words · 596 15 · 13k views
- Dawn Flower · 34k words · 439 17 · 9.3k views
- Thought Prism · 1.3k words · 541 25 · 8.2k views
- Inky Scrolls · 1.3k words · 303 12 · 4.2k views
- Hasty Revision · 2k words · 863 7 · 14k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.211 seconds
Total duration
930 users online
406,498 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This is exactly what i thought it was and it was still great.
This... is... BEAUTIFUL!
I like the thumbnail
So is Twilight mad about that list for the same reason as Twilight?
I wasn't sure where it was going at first. You have quite a way with comedic writing. The misdirection was perfect, and I love it!
That was amazing.
.....why do I want a sequel with the "improved" list?
I LOLed.
First of all:
Weird mistake her that needs fixing.
Second of all:
False. Starlight Glimmer's mane is literally one of the worst in the show and that should have been mentioned in the story by one of the boys. Seriously, go look at it; her mane, which should be centered down the length of her head, is inexplicably lopsided and looks like some sort of comb-over of a balding person. It makes sense on Human-Glimmer, but it's atrocious on a pony.
9519770
Is Twilight mad about that list for the same reason as Starlight? Maybe, but probably not. She'd be really upset if she heard all the horrible things Starlight just said about her, though.
Damn, she was savage on the poor princess.
9519771
What did you not see coming? Because the whole "Starlight being mad about the order of the list" thing was super obvious from the first mention of a hotness list.
(Hasn't read it all yet)
Let me guess: Twilight and Starlight are not upset so much about the list being made, as they are the order in which they're on, or NOT on that list.
\
That's it, isn't it? Someone upset about anything else would have used different wording...
HA! Someone give that dog a treat, cuz I called it!
No they weren't. Fact of the matter is, some females are more attractive than others, and differing people will have different opinions on what makes a girl/woman/mare attractive. If someone is upset because somebody thinks they're less attractive than someone else, that's their problem.
Ah, i think you mean "eye"
And also, having a "faculty hotness scale" is now my new headcanon
Yeah, I knew it was going to be a simple case of disapproving the ratings the second I read the chapter title. It's still hilarious either way.
"You have good taste, darlings."
"Ha! Nailed it!"
(given)
"Oh... um, okay..."
"Yer kiddin', right?"
"Eh, I can see it."
My speculations for various teacher reactions based on likely reasoning:
Starlight: (given)
And I'm with 9519823. I'd kind of like to see a sequel either with an updated list or their actual reactions.
How much do you want to bet that Twilight was mad at them for titling their list as being "Official" when it was quite clearly unofficial?
😐{...)
😮{In my list, there's only Fluttershy.)
Starlight: “Silly kids, wouldn’t know ‘hotness’ if it came up and bit them in the face!”
Sandbar: “That happened once!”
9519828
You obviously don’t know a good mane style when you see one.
I so want to know how would Dash punish then, now
I would say based on their list they like dislike shyness like expressive personalities but also are really not into Earth Ponies
I think Starlight goes to the bottom of the list for being a selfish, mind controlling sociopath who blackmails small children whose mane looks terrible
Hm...
This reminds me of a certain Grecian Myth..
*Cough* Golden Apple *Cough*
It was good!
Oh come on! Fluttershy is easily number one! Cute, adorable, shy, and soft spoken? If that doesn't make your heart explode, nothing will.
My list would be:
Fluttershy
Fluttershy
Fluttershy
Fluttershy
Starlight
9520081
Okay dude
my list would be
fluttershy,
twilight,
rarity,
luna,
cadence,
applejack,
rainbow dash,
pinkie pie,
celeistia,
[ever female ever]
starlight
but that just me
At least the Young 6's ladies didn't make a shipping list.
Honestly the sheer absurdity of the idea that they would get punished, simply for stating their opinion on how their teacher's rank in terms of attractiveness, kind of took me out of the story and made it hard for me to find it amusing.
Starlight is aware that beauty is entirely subjective right. Different people are attracted to different things.
My Personal List
Only Sunset Shimmer can truly compete with Rarity.
Starlight Glimmer got the Peggy Bundy hairstyle going for her.
You know...I'm getting the impression Starlight's not very self-assured of her own attractiveness.
I never really saw the point of lists such as this, myself. As others have pointed out, beauty and attractiveness is subjective and varies on personal opinion. There's always going to be someone that's going to disagree with the listed order...as this fic so nicely demonstrates, incidentally.
9519949
That does sound like a very Twilight sort of thing to have happen.
Now... do the girls have a list?
I agree, that list is trash!
That being said, are we ranking pure physical attractiveness? Girlfriend material? Wife? What's the story here? The rankings vary a lot based on those factors!
Although.... I don't think Starlight would be any happier with my list, because by any metric I still put her at the very bottom.
9520336
That is a very fair question, and the only reason I can possibly think of is if the pets come part and parcel with her. I wouldn't enjoy living in a zoo.
In basically every other way, yes. She's perfect.
9520167
Maybe it just hasn't been discovered yet.
I wouldn't put it passed them.
CategoricalGrant, we need this idea as a sequel.
I find it more offensive that there are no male faculty members for straight fillies to put on their lists.
you
YOU
Y O U
*hissing in simpathy*
This hurts much more
*Left eye twitches*
buffy.mlpforums.com/monthly_05_2014/post-9686-0-88841800-1401086876.gif
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/2/7/545758__safe_solo_applejack_smile_bedroom+eyes_apple_sweat_eating_sexy_juice.gif
9520167
We need a young ladies list indeed
9519949
Especially when they don't include any information about the methodology for its construction. How could it possibly be advertised as difinitive if there is no basis for it even being scientifically valid?
This needs a sequel with Gallus and Sandbar having to explain a similar list of the remaining four of the young six. Having to explain themselves to those four on how they ranked them each would be amazing.
I think I'm more concerned why faculty decided to go through student dorm rooms and picked through their stuff to find said list in the first place.
I mean, is there a contraband policy in action? And if so, shouldn't the students be present during contraband searches?
I'm not a big fan of this. Why are they being punished for their opinion?
9520559
9520160
Cleary a person with bad taste right here. Anyone who doesn't have Starlight at the top of the list OFFICIALLY has bad taste,
9520177
You are missing the fact that they all have severe mental issues. Starlight has the least.
9520569
What was the faculty doing in their room?
9520616
It's a bunch of teenage col... um, bo... males in a residential educational facility which bears, as far as we can tell, more resemblance to a British public school-- and an old style one at that-- than anything modern. it's a bit startling that it's even co-educational.
Of course the staff is going to check up on the rooms. The place is basically a multi-species cross between Hogwarts and any of a dozen Victorian fictional schools (I have Eton leaping into mind for some reason, even if it is a real place).
(Also, Glimmy, Twilight's got that whole Alicorn Glamour thing going. Males are going to notice that in ways females (and teachers) aren't. Magic is as magic is, you should know that.)
Plot twist Gallus and sandbar had sex in their dorm.
Hmmm...
1. Rainbow Dash
2. Starlight Glimmer
3. Fluttershy
4. Twilight Sparkle
5. Rarity
6. Applejack
7. Pinkie Pie
I wish I could put best pony on here but she don't teach :(
9520081 And she messed with time! Creating multiple very bad case timelines, one of which was a barren wasteland with no apparant sign of life whatsoever. And not even the slightest punishment! Let's not forget that!
we need a sequel where the girls find out about the list and start a massive fight over it