• Member Since 5th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Autum Breeze


a home-grown australian who embraced being a member of the fandom 2 days before joining. Willingly delved into the fandom whole-heartedly and has never looked back

T

Coverart from HERE

Set shortly after the season 5 premiere, but before episode three

Romance tag readded due to a lack of a certain mare having a ship in the finale.

Normally, Ken wouldn't have minded finding an excuse to get out of school. However, being hit by a car and suddenly waking up as a strange four legged creature with purple fur, wings and a horn is not something he'd have chosen just to play hooky.

Now in a world he continually doesn't understand and makes him... now a her, want to pull her hair out, Ken must learn how to coincide with the creatures of Equestria, while finding her place in this bizare world that defies all senses of logic she was raised with. On top of that, she's now apparently a princess and has to deal with nobles fawning over her, including one male who she knows is definitely just trying to get into her new female parts to breed, and she'll have none of that.

Of all the things she could've chosen to get out of school, this was definitely not one of them and she just wants to go back to normal. Sadly, that doesn't seem likely to happen any time soon.

Though not pertaining to the main character, Romance tag does still apply to other characters in this story. It's just the Tag Limiter wouldn't let me keep Romance Tag after I edited the description a little, so had to remove the tag, even if it still holds some small weight on the story.


Featured Box 16-18/8/2015. Okay. Seriously did not see that coming.

Popular Stories 16-20/8/2015

Featured Box again 6/11/2016 if only for a few moments.:rainbowderp: I... I honestly don't know what to say:raritystarry:

Featured again? Really? Thank you guys, so much:twilightsmile::yay:

Chapters (22)
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Comments ( 1188 )

Kinda blah so far and while bringing in Discord adds a little something, the lack of an explanation is kind of obvious/dull I assume that Starlight Glimmer has something to do with all this. Discord just doesn't add anything beyond himself. The concept of a duplicate copy of Twilight seems potentially interesting, but I'm not sure what can be done with it. There are certainly obvious things to deal with as many of these stories do, like if she (he) is an alicorn then she has a great deal of magic to play with as a person for whom magic didn't eve exist before. Also, maybe you should think a little bit harder about where you're taking this story given the tags you've added. For what it's worth, I think stories written completely in first person are kind of so-so. You should try writing a little differently to mix things up.

So, Night Glider explained to me, even stuff I didn’t expect.

Apparently I’m in a land called Equestria and I’m what’s called an Alicorn. Meh. Sounds better than Pegacorn or unicus.

Aside from Alicorns, there are three typed of ponies (yeah, turns out I’m a pony, not a horse), unicorns, pegasi and Earth Ponies (that’s what the ones with no horns or wings are called) and there are four Alicorns in total.

I do raise my eyebrow rather high when she tells me to the two oldest of the Alicorns move the sun and moon. That just... how does that even work?

After a few hours, the train pulls into the station of a small town, but one far bigger than the one I met Night Glider in.

The whole block of text above reads funny. I want to say it's grammatically off somehow, but I'm not quite sure why I think that. I'd suggest putting a semi-colon after 'expect' and wrap those three statements about Equestria into a single paragraph explaining what he (the main character) was told by Night Glider. In lieu of an attempt at dissecting it, here's an example of how I might have written it (with a few minor additions).

Night Glider explained some things to me, a lot of which was totally unexpected:

Apparently this place is called Equestria and I am an Alicorn. Meh; that sounds better than Pegacorn or Unicus. Aside from Alicorns, like me, there are three types of ponies: unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies (that's what they call the ones without a horn or wings) and there are (or were, rather) four Alicorns. I guess there are five now.

The two older alicorns (of the four) raise the Sun and the Moon?! My eyebrows must reach right up to my hair (oops, they call it a mane here...). How does that even work?

Several hours later, the train pulled into the station of another small town, although this one is far larger than the one I met Night Glider in.

Unless it's fairly tame, the 'sex' and 'gore' tags don't seem like they are compatible with 'slice of life'. If the former is true, then you may not even need to tag it that way. In general there just seems to be conflicting messages about the theme of the story. Is there any further contact with the world he came from? If not, I might advise dropping the 'Human' tag and just placing more emphasis on that detail at the beginning so no one gets confused. I say this because, so far, he as may as well be an inexplicably sentient duplicate of Twilight without any other reason for his existence. It doesn't particularly relevant where he came from or why, at least not yet.

P.S.
If you mean to mostly tell the story using his (her?) internal voice then I think you might want to consider dedicating some particular style (bold/italic/color/etc) to that text so it is clear to the reader. Otherwise it comes across as a bit jumbled together with the spots of writing from other perspectives. -- I'm not trying to push anything on you, but you are welcome to use my rewording or not, as you wish. Given the way you've chosen to write this, having him reflect on his own speech and actions seems appropriate and is a fun opportunity to convey a sense of humor if you think the character should have one.

I sigh, scratching the back of my neck with one head,

How do you scratch a neck with a head?

I didn’t have any enjoyable lessons for today due to Home Ec being cancelled for the week due to the teacher having to visit a relative.

Word repetition with "due".

The next moment I felt an immense pain as my lower body was slammed by the car’s front, before I was tossed into the air, the world spiralling around in a confusing blur of colours that made me feel ill.

Tenses are switching between present and past a couple times within the first few paragraphs.

some steatites and stalagmites dotting the ceiling and floor here and there.

"stalactites"

So far this feels like a story outline.

Every paragraph being one or two sentences leaves very little detail.

It all feels like bullets.

I suggest slowing down and fleshing out your idea a little more. It is interesting but somethings are glossed over. Movement is one of those, unless Ken somehow just knows kinda like knowing how to glide due to being a clone of Twilight. There are some grammar errors and typos but I feel that the actual story needs more focus. What you have here reads like the skeleton of a story, just needs the tissue on it.

Although the pacing could use some work, I've enjoyed the story so far. The grammar is better than most stories and tbh the pacing is far from the worst I've seen. I just hope you can keep the story going after already solving the first conflict. I think some ponies getting confused are in order.

6323848
The issue with 'due' there is due to him trying to convey a linked causality. The home economics teacher is absent because she is visiting a relative and so, as a consequence, class is cancelled. The statement probably needs to be reworded.

On top of what I wrote on the first chapter, I feel there are jumps in logic made by the characters that don't mesh well. Explanations are quick and choppy and make it feel as if only the bare minimum of information is being written down for the story to remain sensible.

That fast? I'm afraid... walking after awakening as a pony is not that simple...

Let alone flying.

More. I demand of thee, more! :flutterrage:

6323848 Pinkie: like this silly:pinkiehappy:

Heh, can't wait to see kens reaction to blue blood. I hope rarity will give her(him) fair warning.:rainbowlaugh:

There are some grammatical errors, but otherwise the story's alright.

WHY THIS IS EXACTLY THE IDEA OF ONE OF MY SCRAPPED STORIES?
Glad that someone used this idea:pinkiehappy:

Looking like you could use an editor to help clean up things you look over. I can help with that. :moustache:

6324616 I can do it too: She is Pinkie.

Promising idea, let' see how you develop it.

6324798 NO!


First you understand how she thinks by taking everything you know and consider it both wrong and right, except when it's left.
Then you think of her world like an egg with hundreds of thousands of millions of cracks in it, several meeting, resulting in points where she can 'push out' segments resulting in both her temporal displacement abilities AND her fourth wall breaking.

I kind of like this, but there's one major problem, and that's with the beginning. I couldn't imagine the beginning ever happening. I am a person who has gotten hit by a car before and this just seems so unrealistic. I could see if he looked to the side and didn't quite really realize what happened. Also, he felt that immense pain immediately? Nah, I can't believe that. More like the world spiraled around him but his mind was too shocked to process pain or a cognitive thought. Only later would he feel the pain or understand what happened to him. Sequence of events should be more like this:

:applejackconfused: What's happening to me?!
:rainbowhuh: Did... Did I just get hit by a car
:rainbowderp: Holy crap... I just got hit by a car...
:fluttershbad: OW!!! Oh my god the pain! I just got hit by a car!

No, he wouldn't realize all of that stuff as he saw the car coming. He'd hardly realize the fact that he was going to be hit by the car. Even after he got hit, he wouldn't realize what was happening. He wouldn't even feel it happening that much. Now afterwards, he'd realize all of the stuff you mentioned while it was happening. But the only thing you really think before getting hit by a car is 'huh'? You feel very indifferent, not angry, not scared, none of that. I had almost got hit a second time and still didn't really react to it. I crossed and saw nobody coming. Next thing I knew, I had just narrowly dodged a truck that had come seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't really react until I was safe on the sidewalk. When I got there I was like 'Wait... did I just almost get hit again?'. That beginning was all wrong. It'd be best if it were corrected.

I admit, the Twin idea is kinda new, but the rest is just not holding up to it. The writing is... average, the plot feels rushed. For example it took me like 3-4 min until I noticed the first village wasn't Ponyville. It simply lacks more in depth description of the surrounding from the main character. Also it feels like he is taking everything in and just is OK with it.

My tipp for you is to take your time, write out the scenes more and don't just rush from one to another. Don't let out the whole conversations like you did with Night Glider. That's the moment he is learning a lot about the world and in the next scene he is like: meh, about it.

I would make the whole talk with her one chapter in its own. The train ride, the awkwardness of "aliens" bowing before you and everything. Glider Talking like a fan about the deeds "you" had done and so on.

But that's just one example. What I personally find missing is the moment where Ken maybe thinks that this is the after life. You know, wings, something glowing over your head? No?

And finally: Just stop the "Ponyville, stupid name" jokes. There older than "the arrow to the knee". It's not funny anymore and just worth eye rolling.

6324882 I have another explanation. She's either a pony G-man (like from Half-life), a pony Deadpool, or is a being that exists beyond the pony's plane of existence.

I personally believe Pinkie can't really teleport, and most authors exaggerate her abilities. I've never seen her appear and disappear in the show, but I've seen her hide in weird places, and run faster than Rainbow Dash.

6324974 That's why I offer the 'egg-shell' theory. it is logical in the sense it gives her an illusion of teleportation, when if fact she's just moving through space beyond visible perception across miniscule segments of time.

6325000 I often think of Pinkie as an earth pony chronokinetic. It explain most of her more eccentric abilities such as her speed and her pinkie sense (which I compare to the Flash's ability to perceive time at less than the smallest recordable instances of time.)

Starlight Glimmer?!

just replace bieber with her.

6323877
Yes, I agree that the sentence needs to be reworded. It would kinda have to be to fix the word repetition.

6324956 I agree with her, I didn't realised that the first town isn't ponyville too

Others have probably already said it, but... You really need to work on your grammar/spelling, firstly, followed by your pacing. Some things are being rushed that you should be taking the time to expand.

This guy had obviously seen me intending walking in a slight turn towards the crossing and thought “Oh, no. I’m not letting that kid cross before I get there. I need to go passed first. That kid should know this and will stop before I hit them.”

Past first*

Needs a few grammar and spelling corrections. But it's turning out well, so far.

Full on weird just happened, and Pinkie is throwing the party!:pinkiehappy:

this has my attention...

This story is good in spite of the grammar errors. :twilightsmile:
Will follow.... hope you improve (or get an editor) :twilightblush:

Oh... dangit.... its you.

The author who keeps on turning out wonderful story premises.... but doesn't do more than 1 or 2 chapters.

Please.... stop churning out prologues and work on finishing some of your stories. :applecry:

6323848

I sigh, scratching the back of my neck with one head,

How do you scratch a neck with a head?

Obviously our protagonist is a Puppeteer:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierson's_Puppeteers
;)

Oh great, YOU wrote this. Your work is GOOD BUT YOU HAVE TOO MANY PROJECTS AT ONCE. MEANING WE DONT GET UPDATES OFTEN.

This is less story and more outline. Needs serious fleshing out and a real thorough editing.

6325898

5 of 45 completed stories while the rest are incompleted.

Yeah I'm not even going to give this story a chance becuase of how atrociously low the chance this story will be completed is.

It's asinine. Emphasis on the "ass".

Featured Box 16-17/8/2015. Okay. Seriously did not see that coming.

Yeah right

6326494 no. i swear to god i honestly didn't expect it there. the populars, maybe, but not the featured box. that really threw me for a loop.


not to mention was some much needed cheer after everything that's happened recently with another fic

6326501 Glad it upped your spirits after your recent slump, but I can't help but feel you've written this with getting popular in mind. Maybe think of a story idea that's more engaging next time? Something people can get invested & earnestly interested in? Most stories nowadays start of with a juicy intro but hardly follow thru & end up unfinished.

6326564 I'm honestly just writing the fics i want to. whether they get popular or featured is not why i write them. i merely want to get them out there and out of my head so i can focus on those i've left behind before returning to these.

6326611 Considering the fact that only 6 of your stories are complete, that's one pretty mobius pipeline you've got there.

Typo

If your physically like Twilight, that means you probably like the same things she does taste-wise, right?

If you are

Unicus? is now my new favorite term for alicorn:moustache:

6326057
Well... that is just a disturbing image.

This is a pretty good idea. But I agree with the others, definitely needs a little work. Best of luck! :pinkiehappy:

neat intro, like the concept of two twilights and i cant wait to see what kind of shenanigans you come up with. i don't really see twilight doing the whole twin pranks just from her personality but who knows.

now i can't say i am to impressed with are protagonist at this point mainly because he commits to avoiding princess twilight and then proceeds to not only spend hours (if not days if you take the show cannon) traveling towards the town she lives in but once he gets their he then heads off to the exact place she is supposed to be currently without out any sort of fuss or muss. what you did came off as feeling like you where rushing the story to the meeting between the two which kind of breaks story flow, that or the protagonist is incredibly stupid for not seeing this coming. i guess the case could be made for him being in mental shock but that would have been more clear to the reader if it was done thought the POV of another character like Night glider.

Kind of also sad to see you abandon stalliongard so quickly kind of defeats the purpose of having him wake up in the nearby mystery caves instead of just waking up in the everfree like so many other stories if he is just going to end up in ponyville so quickly.

anyway thumbs up and a track but we will see if that changes depending on how it goes:twilightsmile:

Wow, this is very nice work! Moar please!

I sigh, scratching the back of my neck with one head, while adjusting the strap of my bag with the other as I walk towards the crossing.

scratching the back of my neck with one head

How does one scratch the back of their neck with one "head"?

8/8 best start. Perfect anatomy.

I assume you mean "hand". Also, I'd put a comma after "other".

Honestly, it's the first sentence. You should be able to get that right.

Now on to the next sentence:

I honestly wish I didn’t have to go to school today. Aside from Design, I didn’t have any enjoyable lessons for today due to Home Ec[.] being cancelled for the week due to[because of] the teacher having to visit a relative.

"Ec" is shortened so needs to be followed by a full-stop (or period). "due to" is repeated too much and obstructs the flow; use other word(s) like "because of". Also, isn't that against some regulations? Aren't the school obliged to get a supply teacher or stick you with a teaching assistant that gives you (boring) text book work, or lets you watch some "educational" stuff?

Overall, it's pretty typical. Human gets hit by car. Human wakes up as pony. Just, this time as Twilight (I've also seen before). You have 5 complete stories out of your 45. That's not a good completion rate, especially considering that your last 10 were all published in August (2015) and all only one or two chapters long (the chapter length never exceeds a ~3000 word average). [Edit: Furthermore, 4 of these 10 are human males of similar profiles being inserted into the body of a female pony; it's like you're trying to be boring and unoriginal so I probably wasted my time here]. Hence, I'm not going to follow this because it will most likely get abandoned and, quite frankly, it feels too rushed (evident by both the error on the first line and how the plot moves) and unrealistic.

You have a boring, poorly written, cliché, unoriginal start to something that could have been a good, somewhat different and original, idea.

Maybe I'm making a mistake in doing this (leaving). But I'm not doing so without saying why.

[Edit: The second chapter is a bit better. And it does look like you're trying here, but seriously. Slow it down.]

I'll have to keep an eye on this

I'll wait for the next chapter for 3 hours, if you don't publish it, I'LL KILL YOU:pinkiecrazy:.

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