• Member Since 6th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Autum Breeze


a home-grown australian who embraced being a member of the fandom 2 days before joining. Willingly delved into the fandom whole-heartedly and has never looked back

E

To celebrate Tirek's defeat, Pinkie has a huge party at the Friendship Castle. During this party, Fluttershy says how she wishes she had a foal, but doesn't think she'd be a good mother.Twilight tells her she'd be a great mother and that, if Fluttershy had been her mother, she'd have been a great one to her. Pumpkin, hearing this, casts a spell, just as Discord, for a joke, is about to turn Twilight into a foal for the night. When Twilight wakes up the next morning, she finds she's become an alicorn foal and fluttershy is her mother.

They both remember that that isn't how it use to be, but other than Discord and Pinkie nopony else seems to remember it and, for some reason, Discord can't reverse the spell. What will they do now?

FEATURED 30/6/2014

inspired by the photo in this blog by Twi-Fi.

the new cover art is by Princess Glitzy, but the blog was what inspired this fic.

In case you were wondering, no, twilight isn't a unicorn in the picture, she's an alicorn; you just can't see her wings because she's laying on her back is all.

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 348 )

You were inspired by Foaling With Reality weren't you?

Sounds interesting so far. We will see how the second chapter will be. But for now, I give a thumb up and a fav.

That looks a lot like the plushies on my window sill... Wait a second!
I'm flattered you used my picture.

It's an awesome story, can't wait to see what happens next.

4616695 Considering the quality of that story, is that such a bad thing?

4616942 Your comment confuses me. Do you mean that Foaling With Reality is good or bad?

Ooh, fun. A bunch of mistakes, but few enough that it didn't detract from the story too much. You should still get a proofreader, though.

Other than that, a very good story. Well paced, you do an understandable baby voice vewwy weww, and it's hilarious to read Twilight as a foal.

Awesome story. There are a lot of spelling and grammatical mistakes that I think you should take a look at and fix, but other than that, it's a great story.

4616953 ...I didn't actually mean to post that. Oops.

I've heard both good and bad about it and never had a chance to read it myself. I wanted to see if I could make a statement that, no matter your opinion, I could have it agreeable.

If you'd thought it was good, then it's clearly a good concept and doing it again -- albeit with different characters, slightly different reactions, maybe different circumstances -- will probably turn out well.

If you'd thought it was bad, then it would have potentially been a revival of a good concept used badly.

But was it good? It's been sitting on my read-later list and I've been meaning to prioritize the messy thing for a while. Do you recommend it?

Is Pumpkin gonna be in Twilight's spot now, being the Element of Magic and such?
It'd be interesting to see the other ponies reacting to their friend Pumpkin suddenly acting like a baby for no apparent reason.

4616975 To be "that guy", I just want to point out this hilarious typo:

spelling and grmmatical mistakes

Oh, the irony.

No offense, of course. I just found it funny. I agree completely, by the way.

4616995 Well i'd think it's good, as I co-write it with Zubric. I would love for you to check it out though, the more feedback the better!

4617004 Ooh, an author, telling me their story is good! I'd criticize but that's make me a hypocrite. And you should totally check out The Moon and I please I want feedback and no one is giving it to me :(

On a serious note, I'd be glad to take a look! I'm assuming it's on either your page somewhere or on Zubric's. Just gimme time to review this other fic and scribble down the next few horse words of my next chapter.

4617002 Lol, thanks for pointing it out though, because otherwise I would probably not have seen it.

4617031 It's on Zubric's page and i'll give "The Moon and I" a glance.

Pumpkin, hearing this, casts a spell, just as Discord, for a joke, is about to turn Twilight into a foal for the night.

when Twilight wakes up the next morning, she finds she's become an alicorn foal and fluttershy is her mother.

they both remember that that isn't how it use to be, but other than discord, nopony else seems to remember it and, for some reason, discord can't reverse the spell.

Okay so. Names are always capitalized. Words after a period are capitalized. Those need to be one paragraph rather than chopped into separate lines.

[Quote from description]
_______________________________________________

OnceThough it had been such a long day for them and all of Ponyville, what with Tirek taking all the magic they had, only to have the mane six return it all, everypony was enjoying the party, dancing and having the time of their lives.

Makes no sense. and the fix "Once though" doesn't fix that since "Once though it had been such a long day ..." is nowhere near grammatically correct. Please fix.

_______________________________

They all turned to see Mrs Cake pulling Pumpkin off of the head of one of the guard that had just arrived, pulling his helmet off with her as the little unicorn foal held onto it with her mouth, I wide smile on her face.

Fluttershy sighed, looking down.

Bring the Fluttershy bit up to be the same line as "face". Guard is supposed to be guards [since there are more than one]. Also mention Fluttershy seeing the sight. Even as is it's off since she's mentioned without any preamble.
____________________________________

The timid mare looked up, shocked they’d noticed, then looked away.

"Do... do you girls think.... think I'd be a good mother?"

Replace the period with a comma after "away". Move the dialog up to that point.
_______________________________________

Stopped reading at this point. Please get an editor for this. It has potential to be a really interesting fic. But not every sentence deserves it's own line. You need to connect dialog to the ponies who are speaking (if said ponies are mentioned). And this seriously needs a good cleaning up.

PM me please if this gets fixed up, I'd like to give it a go since it looks like it'd be cute. But from just reading this I'm actually put off from giving your other fics a go. And you have two that look like they'd be nice reads from the short description alone. Do those fics have editors?

What is up with you and infantilism? I mean Jesus, that's all you post, story wise.

It´s a good idea, i just don´t know if i would like that if they all start thinking that this was like always. I mean Twilight foal.

4617047 Two things: Good on you for being polite, and your last correction was wrong. The period should stay as-is.

To get a horizontal rule, type "[ hr ]" (no spaces) on its own line.

4617956

Actually my editors have been grilling me on dialog since I first started getting my writing fixed. If a pony is doing the speaking in a paragraph is doing an action. Then a comma goes before (s)he talks, but after their action is completed. Unless it's an artistic choice.

And thank you for the compliment ^_^. I hope the author doesn't take my criticism in the wrong way though.

4618006 Your correction is still wrong. I am an editor of a whole crapton of stories, I would know. You only use a comma if the previous sentence is describing how the quote is said. The quote should still be moved, though. The period just remains as-is.

Now, off to bed! It's late.

4618019

Ah! Thanks for the heads up and the correction then :twilightsmile:. I'll keep it in mind when writing my own stuff.

4616695 actually, the blog pic alone is what inspired me.:twilightsmile:

4618417

I've still know idea how I've figured out how to move around this place after I volunteered for an extra job.

no
_________________________________

Better. I'd try for making paragraphs longer than one sentence in future chapters. But all in all it's cute. I'd also try getting an editor for your future chapters to ensure they're as polished / cleaned up as possible. I'll give it a follow for now since it looks like it could be a really cute story. Best of luck for the future chapters, and I hope they are as good as I know they have to potential to be.

In the short discription you said Twilight was a male.

4618635 okay, I blame the iPad's auto correct for that. It's fixed now

4616999 no. Twi is still the element of magic. It will be explained in the next chapter

"She was a pony that had, for some many years, thought she was a lemon, but had been fine recently."

Wait, what? You can't just pass that off. I want to know more about how the hay that could have possibly happened :pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp: I am curious to see where this goes. Can't wait to find out what's going on in the next chapter :twilightsmile:

4619353 then check out life is a lemon, by blueshift

Comment posted by Silver Rose deleted Jun 30th, 2014

Fluttershy seeing Twilight sadness, leaned down to nuzzle her when a loud voice made the three jump in fright as it shouted, "Hey, Twilight! Don't worry, Pinkie Pie will always be your best friend!"

... yup. She knows. :facehoof:

4618025 Or you could hire me :trollestia:

If I didn't already have so damned much work.

WOOHOO!

Still rife with errors but nicely done nonetheless.

Nice, go job.
yes there are error but I've got my own but it's still good.

Lemon Dreams left the two as they entered a large dinning hall, with a long table that was at least half as big as the one in Canterlot Castle.

Seated at he table were Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity. However, along with their friends, Celestia and Luna were seated too, along with Shining Armour and Cadance.

One Paragraph
______________________________________

Twilight looked away, embarrassed. She wished Luna hadn't said that. Her situation was bad enough already.

Twilight's humiliation only continued as she was levitated by Luna into a high chair next to where Fluttershy took her seat.

A bottle of milk and a jar of what looked like apple sauce foal food were on the tray in front of the little alicorn, whose stomach chose that moment to rumble, quite loudly.

One paragraph.
____________________________________________

At once, she noticed it wasn't formula. She could still remember how that tasted from when she was a little filly and this wasn't formula. It tasted like milk. It was warm and sweet and, despite herself, she couldn't help but smile and murr a little as she enjoyed the taste.

purr
__________________________________________

Fluttershy, unsure how that question should be answered, decided to lie, hoping AJ would forgive her later.
"Oh, yes. She slept soundly. Thank you for asking, princess," she said, glancing at Applejack and inwardly frowning at how the farmer didn't seem to detect the lie.

Move "Oh ..." up to previous line.
___________________________________________

Twilight spat out her milk, getting Pinkie covered in it before she started coughing, a small amount having gone down her wind pipe.

Did... did Celestia just say Fluttershy's daughter? But, she'd been the one they stored their magic in. She could still feel slight remnants of their magic inside of her. Small amounts that would always make her feel like they were really related to her, not simply referring to her as their relative just because she'd become an alicorn.

One Paragraph.
_____________________________________________

Stopped reading here. When this fic gets an editor, and you run your chapters through him / her please give me a jingle. Until then I'm unfaving since I really don't want to go through each chapter like this. Seriously though best of luck, and even if it would take you longer to come out with stuff. This story seriously needs an editor. But I'm not going to down vote though, it doesn't really deserve that.

Welp best of luck, and no hard feelings. I wish you the best in your writing and future endeavors.

4620973 okay. I went through the chapter, even finding a few more paragraph problems you'd probably have noticed. Please read and favourite again. I think I fixed it this time:fluttercry:

Comment posted by Autum Breeze deleted Jul 2nd, 2014

4635662 she is speaking baby. Not once did I think if making her speak Asian. This is all baby talk, since, now a foal, twilight cannot talk like a regular adult. She will have to learn to do so again.

4631010

I'm going to be busy and not on all that much, but I'll look it over. And if the next two chapters + this are fixed up and have at least proper paragraph structure than I'll fav. It's not really the spelling that got me to unfav (I have a lot of fics I follow that sometimes have spelling errors) as much as it was the cut off of paragraphs, and problem with the paragraph structures on top of the spelling errors.

But if the next few are good. Then I'll re-fav.

4616846 sorry i stopped using your picture as the cover art, but i was told others would be more likely to read my story if the new one was the cover art. no hard feelings, right?:fluttershyouch:

SOOOO who's the daddy? :trollestia: Also how old are you implying Twilight to be? If Luna is saying newest little niece. Then Twilight must be very young. Anyways, I like the story. Keep it up.

It's Braeburn, not Bray Burn.

4644807 sorry. i haven't really used him aside from in We Belong Together, so it's not a name i use often. but thanks for letting me know the right way to write it. have a mustache:moustache:

Me likes ^.^ keep up the great work

Really? Braeburn and Fluttershy? I thought this suppose to be serious.

Why Not fluttermac why Braeshy?

Login or register to comment