Twilight Sparkle finally achieved her destiny. She was now a Princess of Equestria, and needless to say her friends were surprised. When a second, unicorn Twilight Sparkle appeared alongside the new alicorn, even Princess Celestia was shocked. Now the Elements of Harmony must help the pony make friends and learn magic, as well as get used to her surprising un-Twilightness.
Meanwhile, a 17 year old high schooler with nothing to do during summer hits his head and wakes up in Equestria. He must now learn how to live his new life as Twilight Sparkle's "twin sister" and survive in a town where a catastrophe happens every Tuesday or so.
July 18, 2016: I got Featured! This is awesome!
August 1, 2017: Another Feature!
Chapters (9)
I like it
7400534 thanks, I was worried about it not being good. Mainly because I was half asleep when I wrote half of it. I also wrote it really quickly, so it's a tad rushed.
Remove the Brony bullshit so the main character doesn't know everything and can actually discover and react accordingly to this new world and body and it may be worth reading.
Else it's just going to be the usual BiE BS with the main character in tourist mode, and that's awfull.
7400580 ugh...but that's a lot of work...not really actually. I suppose I could do that, then work on the last chapter
interesting story i hope to read more of it.
Do like!
7400585 I'd leave it as it is. Just because he has his full memories of his previous life doesn't mean that he will be a "tourist" as the magic saved his essence. I see this as a revival story of sorts
7400881 kinda too late for that, I already took out the brony part. However, this IS, at its core, a revival story. as such, the main aspects I origianally planned are still there. The only difference is the interactions with others and how easy it is to keep his secrets.
It seems like this will be a good story, and I can't wait to read more of it.
Interesting start though a few things I noticed.
One the pacing seemed a bit rushed, actually a lot of rushed in a few places as characters just came to conclusions with little thought about the implications.
Also when a new character speaks you need to start a new paragraph for that, I kept thinking the dialogue belonged to other people till it said it was some one else and that was very confusing and jarring.
Also the characters seem a bit OOC and in the case of the princesses a bit too trusting and calm.about a clone. I think either Celestia or Luna would have placed a couple of guards near the clone just to keep an eye on her and make sure there truely was no threat.
Also why are they making plans for the clone when they know nothing about her? For all they know she could be a homicidal maniac when she wakes up so I think they would proceed with caution and not jump to making her part of Twilights family and Luna's student till they had more information.
Those are pretty much my thoughts and suggestions on the chapter your call on if you take them, it is your call on what you do with them as you are the author and thus it is your choice on everything and will not take away from my enjoyment of the story.
. The story looks interesting and I look.forward to reading more.
7402291 I appreciate the comment. I admit that even I feel that it's a bit rushed and my character may be too calm, but I can go over it and fix things. With the clone however, it was made using alicorn magic. Celestial herself saw it create her, and Luna felt the magic as similar. My head canon is that this magic is pure and wouldn't put the mind of someone evil inside this twilight. As for the plans they have, the possibilities they think of are narrowed down to two options. A) this clone has all twilight's memories and is mentally no different from the original. B) the clone has no memories of their own and is a blank slate, as they mention in the story. The magic used in this isn't well understood, and is similar to the elements in that it's good magic, but the understanding of how it works is still a bit too foggy when it comes to specifics. So, the hidden option C) the clone takes memories from another living being, isn't considered. So with a clone twi with the memories of a being that doesn't know a thing about equestria, the princesses assume that option B) is what happened until either clone twi lets it slip or openly tells them the truth. I admit, Princess Luna could be could be less trusting though.
I apologize for my character seeming OOC as well. I based his/her personality on my own, and as I wrote this I got increasingly jumbled up, thus causing my character to do the same. And the new paragraphs ever speech line is from my panic when I first submitted my story. I failed the first time due to how I crammed a lot of speech from two different characters into one paragraph, and I just wanted to make sure I didn't break that rule.
Anyways this boils down to one thing. I need an editor. I rush headlong into stories and I'll keep going until I run out of juice or I'm told that I have some flaws to fix. Until then I just have to fix it on my own. Thanks Scorch215, I really appreciate the critique and can only hope others give me help. This story isn't just for me, it's for my readers too.
Seems pretty interesting.
Don't need the first "as fast" here:
A couple things that felt a little 'off':
I'd have expected Luna to request a situation report from the doctor immediately rather than standing about like a lemon waiting to be asked if she'd like one.
Also don't think she'd take too kindly to having her requests questioned like that, or that the doctor would be brave enough to question the motives of a millenia old god-horse in the first place.
"Midnight Sparkle"? Seriously? What a chump. (and/or massive suck-up to Luna.)
7402395 got it, and for the name I just threw one in there. I didn't have time to think of a better one and I really wanted to get the chapter out. That name will change though, as soon as I think of something. I was going to put in a small joke of "Midnight Twinkle" but I was tired and put sparkle at the end instead
7402337 your character is an OC we know nothing about and till we do we must assume all actions in the beginning are completely in character for him.
I meant the ponies were OOC.
Also even seeing something created does not mean it could not possible be dangerous, as you said alicorn magic is not verybwell understood so for all thru know she could have a magic surge ornpanic and attack with her magic as soon as she wakes up. Basicly anything that is unknown would most likely have guards placed on it just as a safety precaution that a centuries old alicorn would have learned is never a bad idea when dealing with something you know very little about.
As I said these are just my own thoughts and you are free to ignore them and I won't hold it against you.
Anyways expect comments on most of your chapters as I have a habit of doing that for the most Part.
That nurse needs to lose her job, she is terrible at it. A patient colapses out of bed and she calmly walks up and asks if they are OK rather then helping them.
And then she gets guards to help her with a patient that was basicly comatose till presently rather then more nurses and the doctor.
Also leaving the patient alone rather then examining them to make sure they are OK and just take their word for it is a big no.
Also how did the doctor know all of this when he hasn't been in the room at all??
Also find it strange some one would ask what they have figured out to be royalty to teach them as he is from earth where that is not really be one thing done. Maybe ask for help finding some one to teach him and then Luna offering and such.
Once more this is just a xretique based off my own expirance and knowlage and is purely opinion so you are free to disregard everything I say and it will not cause me to stop reading.
7403365 well I suppose I can fix a few more things. Now that I have a few specifics I can re-work the chapter. I hope Princess Celestia isn't too bad, but Princess Luna could be improved. The nurse as well, though I can have her look over Clone Twi (*sigh* still need a good name) but leave anything extensive for later.
The doctor knows about everything because he pressed the nurse for details. Again, probably something to slip into the story. Also, possible magic surge? I should mention in the first chapter that she is perfectly stable, but that gives me an idea. I won't say it here so that I can mention it in the next chapter, but I like it. And for the nurse, I'll slip in a few details that make her seem like she's not an idiot. Now to adjust the chapter! Yay!
7403414 Celestia was good and Luna while a tad OOC IMO it is minor and not that big of an issue.
Also sorry just like when stories are their best and I lean more towards realistic and logical.
awww shit,
sometimes it feels just like (...and finally we are ready to...repeat the prologue again instead of continue with the story), I just can't wait right now.
Very good, I nearly expected you to go "let`s kill the clone" with them at first.
yes
I don't expect her to beat Twilight up the first time they train together or Celestia wants to see how good she is trained, but maybe she could make a realy smart and unexpected move to look special.
I hope that doesn't means that she is always going to look into her mind without telling her or something, like spying on her, having the total control or stupid stuff like that. (I just have seen stuff like that in a really bad version)
Just a spontaneous thought, but later I could like her having a more or less starting romance with Fluttershy/Trixie or someone else with which Twilight hasn't much done yet.
The second thing is, I kind of hope she/he has a different kind of relationship with her parents, maybe not having a that strong relationship with Shining as Twilight.
If you know what I mean ", I don't just want her to act or think completely the same of everyone as Twilight does it.
edit: I forgot to say it, a good story idea, and I hope it is getting more or less regular updates, and isnt's slowly dying as many other fanfictions lately.
7401001 One thing if it hasn't already happened. I would like it if he knows nothing about Equestria, and can't really spoil them about anything and stuff like that. It would be a nice change, I mostly hate it if he is telling them "hey your kind of not real, and tomorrow Chrysalis is attacking".
It is not always made in a bad way, but it is getting kind of boring.
7403461 don't worry, I really appreciate it and specific critiques help me a lot to focus the changes.
aaaawwww please don't let her say they are a cartoon or something in that direction.
hhhmm okay I'm not so sure anymore if he has knowledge or not, but you should have made the nurse actually saying that, I can't remember she actually did said that to her.
You maybe noticed that I like to be a bit wary about certain stuff, and I like the guards to stay guards for the moment, and if there is supposed to be a character important to the story ( a guard or someone else), I would like them to be introduced freshly.
7402337
Just add the alternate universe Tag, I don't mind your Clone so far, maybe if she really has not much memories, she could still be a bit childlike....really really interessted in some stuff that is supposed to be normal, or not knowing that is isn't exactly normal if a grown up Mare is playing with foals or something like that, even if I don't mean with that, that it would be forbidden.
I may like it if Luna still has to earn the trust of a few ponys and isn't the all mighty hardheaded ruler either, but so far I can't really complain. I don't mind you adding Twilights normal friends to the story, but I think it would be kind of important to add someone like Trixie as her own friends, one or two.
I mean since your going to make her a different Twilight, it could help if she has some things that are different compared to Twilight in the future.
(personality,two different friends (so it is not to much if you want to keep the others always in the story), the relationship to the family =Twilight maybe being a mother child, and her becoming a father child......stuff like that)
7403558 Well, I do have plans for this twilight to be different. She has the memories of a human, one who isn't a brony, and thus has a different take than anyone else on life. Also the nurse did mention Princess Luna, but I should probably make that a bigger deal.
7403599 okay, but if I actually missed it, then it isn't important, I actually thought she hadn't said it.
7402291 She isn't the Commander, Scorch.
Well, since you're "asking" for name suggestions, how about "Heliotrope?"
It's a bit odd, I'm sure, but hear me out. The protagonist doesn't have much to work with, and he'd already tried spinning a similar name from the original. The next obvious source of inspiration is his appearance, and he'd already plainly noted how purple he is. Aside from the color, it still refers back to Twilight Sparkle's name, because of the star-shaped flowers. Plus, Twilight Sparkle is a name that has more in common with Luna (technically), yet she's Celestia's student. So, why not give the protagonist a name that has more in common with Celestia, despite being Luna's student?
Also, unless you have something special planned by giving the protagonist the exact same cutie mark as Twilight Sparkle, might I suggest starting him out as a blank flank?
7404348 the cutie mark thing I'll think about, but I wanted to start it out as the same and possibly change later on. As for the name, I'm not sure what it means exactly but I'll consider it. Thanks for the suggestion.
EDIT: never mind, I looked at the link. Now I am seriously considering the name, and I could use it with the cutie mark.
Seems like this is gonna be a good story, it's well paced and the protagonist is logical which i like. Keep it up.
The description kinda reminds me of Twilight's Twinlight... oh well, better get started on reading this first.
7405118 yeah, it is similar with double twilight, but the circumstances and storyline will be vastly different.
7405132
After reading the first two chapters... yep, completely different.
Also,
From experience, this I can consider inaccurate.
Boy, do I hate those kinds of nightmares...
You. Yes, you there. You shall take this, and you shall enjoy it.
Well, that went better than expected. Our heroine (I'll refer to her in her current gender now) seems to be adjusting well.
It'd be pretty hilarious if she tells her own story, especially that freak trampoline accident. And then Twilight will go crazy about the opportunity to learn more about a new world. Or for once, keep her cool and help not-Twi adjust.
Anyway, I'm liking this so far, so let's see what you'll do with it next
Just wait a couple seasons
7405204 well, the main character is going from experience, and I feel that nightmares are different from dreams. Huh, I wonder if I can make a story ark on that....*shrugs*
7405241 oooh, an upvote image with twilight? I shall take it!
7405460 I was wondering if someone would comment on that. I intentionally put that joke in there in the hope that I would get called out.
Well, now to work on the next chapter/think of a character name. Heliotrope isn't enough like a pony name, but the sun themed idea seems interesting.
7406112
Even in my dreams I can feel everything... maybe it's just me then.
Oh well, this is coming from the main character from their experience after all...
7406133 well feeling your dreams is nice when it's not bad! ^^
Also, for the clone's name, I vote Midnight Sparkle or Dawn Sparkle. Celestia has indicated she considers her a legitimate member of the Sparkle family, so linking them by names symbolically would make sense.
7406272 I actually was originally going to name her Midnight Sparkle, but it seemed silly and unimaginative. Still, any names gives I'll consider. Still got time until I finish the next chapter!
7406320 Between the two I suggested, my preference would be for Dawn Sparkle.
7406398 duely noted
7406112 How is Heliotrope not enough like a pony name? O_o
Plenty of ponies are named after plants, for instance. Other names make no sense, like Coco Pommel. Others are just weird, like Hoofer Steps. And there're even those that I'd consider embarrassing to have, like Harshwhinny.
It's fine if you don't choose Heliotrope, but at least dismiss it with a reason that makes sense. XD
Also, one of the nicknames you can get out of it is Leo, a star constellation. (Coincidentally, Leo is connected to the sun in astrology.)
...Huh. Maybe a name inspired by a constellation, or a star within them, is an idea. At least one pony (Lyra) in the series is named after a constellation, and their universe has the Orion and Ursa constellations, so there's that.
7406560 sounds like a plan. i may postpone the naming to the fourth chapter. The beginning scene in the next chapter seems like it'll end up much longer than I had originally planned.
So, while I write the write the chapter, how do you all think the mane 6 would react to meeting the clone, supposedly after she has decent knowledge of equestria and after Twilight's coronation as a princess?mIm curious.
7406724 Do whatever you feel needs to be done. Personally, I like giving names that are more than just a way to distinguish someone from others, whether it's obvious or something that may be fun to investigate, so timing and/or context can be important to consider. Since the protagonist gets to choose or accept a name in this case, would they be hasty or not all that picky, think it important and worthy of time-consuming consideration, or would he fall somewhere in between? And if he thinks that he's probably not returning to his former life any time soon, if at all, would he desire a name that would hold some meaning to him, or simply one that he could live with?
As for their reactions: I'd just go with what would come naturally to them, toward any normal pony, aside from obvious reasons for curiosity, confusion and intrigue -- and sympathy, perhaps. Within the context, I don't think any of them have any reason to be suspicious or antagonistic. I also imagine that they will have spoken on the matter at least once by the time they meet the clone, and something like, "Well, the clone was made by the Elements of Harmony," may have come up. If they can't place their faith in the Elements of Harmony's behavior to do something beneficial, then... Yeah.
7406911 thanks for your two cents, as well as indulging my question.
7406449
here's a few names to bounce off yah give me their chances for each on a yeah, no, maybe scale
1- Starbutt the Awesome
2- Velvet Shine
3- Stellar Drift
4- Twilight Shadow
5- eventide dawn
7407443
1. No, but extremely halarious. I shall save it for use one day!
2.Not feeling it
3.I like it, but makes me think of a race car or Pacific Rim
4.Maybe, but with adjustments
5.Not feeling this one either
Sadly, I want to use the first one but I cannot due to logic and the will of the story. It is a dark day indeed....
7407725 You know what's wrong with Starbutt the Awesome? It's not Starbutt the Bearded.
Such a name would call for a hairy plot, indeed.
7407876 perhaps Starbutt of the Heavy Flanks?
7407911 Wait, are we getting into fusion territory, now?
Movie trailer voice-over: "In a world where Twilight Sparkle is Princess Celestia: see her make waves with her bodacious bottom, which all of her kingdom has been starstruck by despite its -- and by extension, her -- crimes against equinity. No, seriously, she totally wiped out that seaside village with a tidal wave when she canonballed into the ocean just now."
7407940 I was thinking of when twilight copies her mentor TOO much. Then write a spin off, where twilig works off her Starbutt while Twitwin what he's and teases by eating desserts in plain view.
Also, there used to be a canterlot castle pool, but it was filled in after the costs of refilling the pool got too high due to a certain sunbutt's cannon balls