• Member Since 31st Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen Aug 23rd, 2016

Roman


salvete

T

This story was inspired by 'The child in me by Zamairiac' it is a really good story you should check it out.
This story takes place after season 5.

A 19 year old named Alex Jones, who has had an unhappy child hood. His father died, his mother has ignored him for best part of his life.

Somehow Alex ends up stuck in Equastria in the body of a 5 year old Alicorn foal of the opposite gender. Where he might get a second shot at the childhood he has never had. That's if an overly clingy Luna who has always secretly dreamed of being a mother, doesn't end up making him wish he/she want his/her old life back.

What choice do you think Alex will make!

P.S. I did the cover my self.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 273 )

im liking it so far, ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER :pinkiecrazy:!... wait :rainbowderp:.... :pinkiegasp: THERE IS NO NEXT CHAPTER YET!!

I have seen many stories where the protagonist is turn into an alicorn is adopted by one of the princesses, and after a certain point it can become quickly boring if there isn't something interesting that happening soon. If you and your story to really stand out on its own you should add a twist to make it more interesting. As for the protagonist being Asperguer, I think that it is the first time that I see one actively coming to Equestria as a pony. It this is going to be part of the theme for the hole story, you will have to to show how he cope with his condition and how he tries to overcome his mental obstetrical. The main problem that I foresee for him is that he will have a lot of trouble creating good bonds of friendship with other ponies, especially with the antisocial tendency of his condition and to differentiate those that actually want his friendship and those that just want to use him.

I hope that you keep writing this story and keep practicing on it, and most importunely keep trusting in yourself, you can do it:twilightsmile:

Good start, keep going!
Though you should look into getting an editor, because even in the description there are quite a lot of typos, like 'A !9 ' insted '19', or 'Equastria' instead of Equestria.

Also, "The child in me" was written by Zamairiac.

Really liking this so far. Though I agree that you could use an editor to help with the typos, don't let that discourage you from continuing the story. Can't wait for the next update.

great chapter. Glad to see that your still writing. As for the irony/explanation, I think it was a great mix of both. While I've seen the childhood delusion theme done in other stories, it remains a favorite theme of mine as the character tries to get others to believe them. Hope to see an update soon. :pinkiehappy:

If you use irony poorly, your gonna have a bad time

The only way to save them from tearing the country apart in a search for Wolfenstein and Blazkowicz are gone.
Maybe throw in some clichéd spiel about a 'noble sacrifice' or some such BS.

I am open to any idea's people have for this story.

There is no human tag on this... it sure would help.

I always like these shenanigans. Couple of corrections:

In your summary, you had an exclamation mark before the 9
"His farther died" should be "His father died"
"Where he can might get" should only have either can or might. Not both.

In this chapter, "I FELT PIAN!" should be PAIN
“She looks heart!" should be hurt

Generally, you should try to not use too many parantheses.

Quite rough, which is to be expected from first fics especially if it's inspired by a similar quality fic. Look forward to seeing this progress.

Well, I am interested enough to continue watching this series. However I do have a few things I feel you could improve. For one, you really need someone to proof-read these chapters. There were several different cases that others have pointed out where you made a typo. Second, and this is a stylistic preference, but I feel like you should rely less on changing the font size, bold text, and other similar deals. Doing so can make it hard to read the text, like when Alex is under the cans, and generally can break the flow of the words. You don't need to eliminate it entirely, but I feel that it is a 'less is more' deal.

Still, I'm following this to see where it goes. Good luck!

where can I watch Season 5? I think someone told me to look at Netflix, but it lookes like I had to pay for this site.
Right now I was finally able to watch episode 14, even if Season 5 isn´t really my favourite till now.

I just don´t want any spoiler from this story, since I think that I maybe don´t like Tirek, because I had to see him in a bad story first.

Do I need to know Season 5 to read this?, I mean does this story do many spoilers?, like who the new Villain is, and things like that? I only watched episode 14 yesterday.

I am not sure what I think is going to happen, but I hope that it is not Celestia, or any real rule, that doesn´t allowes Luna to have a own Child.
I know about storys, where they aren´t even allowed to have special someponys, so befor I see how you are planning to do it, I can only say, that this time I would prefer it, if it is some kind of Villain that wants to take her child.
6430032

The main problem that I foresee for him is that he will have a lot of trouble creating good bonds of friendship with other ponies, especially with the antisocial tendency of his condition and to differentiate those that actually want his friendship and those that just want to use him.

I think your right, but another thing that I hope doesn´t happens, is that not the most ponys just try to force him into a friendship, and ignore his problems. I´m not sure how that condition works, but I don´t think that they should force him to play with them, or something like that, starting to encourage him would be okay, but I don´t like to see it, that half of the other Characters, are forcing the main Char to do everything.

I forgot if I had to say more about it, but till now it is a very nice story.

“It’s alright sweetie. Your safe now, you don’t need to hide in a fantasy anymore.”

Nice, really nice.

Luna suddenly pined me to her barrel. She flapped her wings and flu through a pair of huge double doors.

“Come my little Moonlight Eclipse. Mommy is going to give you a bath, put you bed and read and sing to you.”

“My name is Ale-”

“Shh, shh. Come little Moonlight, it is time to give back what was taken from you.”

I am not sure what exactly I should say right now, but it was funny somehow, and I had to think of a little girl, that just assumed the dog she found was now her dog.

“I’ll send the word out across Equestria, that there is now a fifth Alicorn princess.”

Not sure if I want him to exploit his new status as a princess, or if I want him to deny it. Well I am curious about the first option for now.

edit: I would like to read every Human turned foal, or just foal and mother story, that others can show me, I could look myself yes, but most storys in groups are just something like corpses.

Oh man, I can see this going into an awkward situation really fast. When it is written right, then it can be really effective. But when it isn't, it can cause some readers to give up on the story. So if you want my opinion, make it slightly awkward, but not to the point where you want to just turn into a worm and go in a hole.

WHATS THIS? A STORY I ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE READING? OH MY GOD!!! *pulls out hair* I wuv u

Comment posted by ember901 deleted Nov 23rd, 2015
Comment posted by DyslexicFoal deleted Nov 14th, 2015

wohoow dont die/hiatus as others and you have a loyal reader

Nice work.I really appreciate that there is actually some good literature for a change.All I have been seeing is the most ridiculous of plots and ideas for stories.Don't give up on the story,it's just what I was looking for because I was really hoping to find something similar after "the child in me."

I'm hoping we could talk some time about some ideas I have but don't know how to make a story out of.

Lolz. Never played Wolfenstein, but now I just might do it. Followed.

Chapter 3 is two thirds done. I hope your looking forward to it, a couple of Alex's problems will be shone in it. Along with some of the things he has an opinion about.

Now I saw a comment saying the story was sloppily written. I will try my very best to fix that, so you all can have an enjoyable story.

I might be willing to give the story a shot, but you have typos in the DESCRIPTION! Sorry man, that kind of carelessness is a deal-breaker for me.

Comment posted by Zamairiac deleted Nov 23rd, 2015

6482063 filly tales = child tales. People don't think these kind of "tales" are true, atleast all of them, after all he is a "filly", if wolfeisten didn't even exist and a kid tell you that he's from those dungeons and have bruises, you will think is fake but came up with theories, because ilusions can be created to "protect" ourselves from the pain of the real world, makeing a true story as invalid answer. (I feel like a egghead right now :twilightblush:)

I guess till now I am okay with the brain, and body thing. I just had seen to many storys, where the Human, has to fight against the mind of his body, as long as it doesn´t force him completely to change, I will like it.

“Mummy, I want to go to bed.”

I honestly really like this chapter, but I hope that his body doesn´t force him into anything, and that this is part of his illness or something.

Nice story, I would say more nice things, but I´m pretty tired right now bye:twilightsmile:

I know what it's like to be dyslexic cuz Iam also dyslexic
Also do you know what 504 is?

great chapter, so happy to see an update. Loved his internal conflict and the button pushing. Can't wait for more.

Comment posted by Gale Singer deleted Nov 11th, 2015

Wow. I don't know why but wow.(positive wow not sarcastic.) Also sleep has left me. I don't know what cruel and great god made me always wake up and not be tired. Once I'm up I'm up.

Your pacing is very much out of whack. For one a character should almost never just explain who they are and what they are etc... The audience should find out through natural means. An example would be someone asking him "what's wrong, little filly?" and he screams back at them that he's "19 years old, you ass!" Or something like that. That's just one example, there's too much telling and not enough showing.

Grammar is okay, but could always be improved. I'm sure you can find an editor, so I'm not gonna harp on you for it.

One last thing, why would he be scared at the end of the chapter? He was just ready to be pissed at all of them? It just didn't add up really.

Word of the wise, though, I wouldn't type on touch screens (if you are, I'm assuming). Because you typed this out: “What?” I do hate being looked at, but this is really unconfutable I think you mean uncomfortable.

I think you need an editor. Your story would benefit from it.

you should get an editor asap
seriously, it reads as if someone with severe dyslexia wrote it

Your editor missed some errors.

I don’t know what you’re all looking at, we all have our images how we look in our dream adventures.
Why you looking at me like that? Oh I see, I’m weird. Well I’ve been cooled all the names in the book, so I’m not going to crack.
Want to know why I’ve been called names? Well I’ll tell you, I was diagnosed with High-functioning Autism (or Asperger’s Syndrome if you want to be specific).

Should be "called".

FUCK IT, I DON’T KNOW ANY MORE! Just go with the flow. Pleeeaasse don’t fight me this.

Should be ....."don't fight me with this."

But HUGS… are a very ‘rear’ thing from me (I still don’t like them). Curse of my Autism I say. Hey, how about we just call it A.S.D. Which stands for Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

Should be "rare"....why do people hug your butt?

love it cant wait for more:twilightblush:

Well you have made a big improvements on you spelling Roman that is for sure. For what I can see Luna seem to have no real concept of what it is to be a mother, how she might think that it is more to play than actually raised her/him and might actually be treating Alex as more of a pet rather then an actual daughter, and has not yet realized all the responsibility that is involves in the role. In this situation, I think that it might be better for Alex to be under the care of somepony more responsible that can better assume the role of parents, and gives the front of royalty, and who is, my best guess would be Shining Armor and Cadance at worst I think that Twilight Sparkle parents,being close by, might be of big help on the situation, having raised to foal who are prominent figures in Equestrial and they are relatively close. What I would worry is Alex capable of taking the intense pressure of being in the public eye and to be groomed into the position of princess, being contently criticizes, failures would bring harsh reprimand him/her.

great chapter, I can see the foal like tendencies starting to coming in with out him noticing. Nice cliff hanger too.

The next chapter will reflect a bit on Alex's disability. So till then, I hope you enjoy this one.

Honestly I´m not sure if I remember which one he had, since I had read about at least four different problems in fanfictions in the last few weeks, but I´m usually pretty interessted in that stuff.

Not sure what I would like to see at the moment, but It is somehow really funny to see Luna thinking she would have a sad past, and he just trying to escape, or trying to enjoy his time there. I expected Cadance somehow to freak out about Luna having a child, and being really excited, but there is still time. Not sure which personality, or skills she has in your fanfiction, and with that I mean, if she maybe can see how much Luna, and the child trust each other at the moment or not.

Long story short, I can´t wait for the next chapter, I noticed I´m a bit more eager to read this story, than some other stuff at the moment.

6513181 Well this is based off of Child in Me and though she may not have the experience Luna honestly wants to be a mother. Heck in that one Luna litteraly stops a train with brute force to find her child.

Hasn't reach the hilarity of Child in me yet but getting there.

I don’t know what you’re all looking at, we all have our images how we look in our dream adventures.

Me, not that much. The only time when I had a picture of myself, was then I was in the narrator position at the same time. Remember that dream. I had Avatar powers and flew through the city, while wearing the green Arrow outfit! :pinkiesmile: Maybe I was watching too much TV?

Dreams are funny sometimes. :rainbowwild:

Also good to see another Alicorn child (or human turned pony foal) story. Those are my favourite! :pinkiesmile:

“It’s alright sweetie. Your safe now, you don’t need to hide in a fantasy anymore.”

Bonus Points for that. I was hoping they would think he/she was delusional, as a coping mechanism. Makes perfect sense too. A poor abused foal fleeing in a fantasy world? I love it! :pinkiesmile:

“Come my little Moonlight Eclipse. Mommy is going to give you a bath, put you to bed then read and sing to you.”

Another Bonus Point. Luna mum, is best mum! :pinkiesmile: :heart:

“I’m worried about her Twilight. Did see her reaction was to just being simply hugged.”

Using the hugging bit against him/her? Bonus Point! :yay:

If she thinks, she is going to put me IN A DRESS! She will have another thing coming.

Sounds promising! :pinkiesmile:

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