After seeing huge bursts of power from one universe a Q decides to investigate
Human in Equestria16,976 stories ·16,819 members
Rule 631,248 stories ·3,993 members
The Hero... Nightmare Moon?319 stories ·2,180 members
Transformations5,227 stories ·5,793 members
Tom an Average Joe, saves a girl from an attempted rape. But he is fatalily injured and blacks out, only to wake up in a strange place in a body of a horse. A horse known to the locals as Nightmare moon.
Edited by Izanagi
Cover Art done by SwedishRoyalGuard http://www.deviantart.com/art/Nightmare-Moon-372321197
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4811708 yup. still forming the bulk of the story. but this is going to be fun. Note Tom is not a brony. MLP didn't exist in his world.
4811717
This will be so good and in that case:
i.imgur.com/fx1976x.jpg
He'll be so confused he'll get himself hurt.
4811740 Hence the comedy tag.
OK so I love the story, a great twist on human in equestria. Don't take this the wrong way but, the grammer is pretty bad, don't worry though there are plenty of really good editors on the site. Send this story through one of them and it could be the next great hit.
Corny in spots, and it should be edited sooner rather than later.
4811803 already sent it to my editor. but note i have been BURNED one time too many on edting. So thus the term unedited was posted at the start. when the edit is done will update it. For me story criticizism matters more.
4811812 I direct to last comment I posted.
4811822 You can reply to more than one person in a single comment.
Try giving a specific age when they had him; like in their late fourties or early fifties.
Comma inbetween 'stomach' and 'which'
You pretty much said the same thing twice in that sentence. Maybe try rewording it.
Usually when one of my characters talks to themselves, I put those sentences or words in italics. If they're having a conversation with themself, then I would still put the sentences in italics, but one set will have apostrophes to differentiate between the two voices.
Again, italics. To clarify, putting internal conversations in italics is just a personal choice, but it is easier for the reader to read.
Rewording that for continuity: 'He took a look around the place, but it didn't look anything he was used to.'
The grammar nazi in me kicked in with this sentence: 'He was a horse. A horse with black fur covering all his body, except a portion on his butt.'
Butt or ass both work, and I even had a little giggle at the choice of word XD
'He also noticed he had wings.'
'And' doesn't need to be capitalized; replace it with a comma. Rewording: He moved a rear leg and looked down as he did do. Clear as day, he saw female equine genitalia.'
Missing a couple of comma's here. 'He, or more appropriately, she, squinted'
Put 'shining' inbetween 'was' and 'right'. 'The freaking sun was shining right through a hole in the wall.'
This is a really good story, lots of potential. But the pacing is far too brisk, and you leave much to be desired in the way of descriptions.
4811846 yours wasn't up when i posted that. and yes a bit corny. But think of it from Tom's point of view. Again he's not a brony and absolutely no knowledge MLP.
4811848 Again. note unedited version. When my editor gets done it WILL be update.
4811857 Tom's point of view has nothing to do with it. The descriptions and the characters have a very basic feel to them, like they were purchased in bulk at the Dollar Store. The only thing that didn't show up is the usual "Twilight's name is like that one book that I've never read but have to say I hate so I can fit in online."
Slow down when you write, and don't rush to the next point in the story just so you can see the next part sooner.
Needs serious editing, but the concept is nice and has kept me in so far, will be waiting for the next chapter
4811930 in that it actually does matter since it's all from Tom's POV. Again how would someone who has never saw or heard of MLP, even describe the mane 6. As the story progesses it will get better.as he gets to know the characters.
4811949 I know it needs editing. that's what i said unedited at the beginning. please save grammar stuff till after the edit. Please keep comments on the story itself right now.
PLEASE
4811951 I'm talking about more than the Mane Six. Tom has no personality, and the only thing you've mentioned about him is that he's not worth mentioning except when he's needed to do some heroic thing. Oh, and he got stabbed or something. His responses are like a robot following a script.
It reads more like an outline than a story.
4812062 I'll think on that. It will be awhile before chapter 2 comes out. So i seriously will see what i can do there.
I'll fav to watch new chapters. First chapter is quite promising, no stupid sitcom and idiot balling... Hope it will be like this in other chapters too.
4812825 glad you like it so far. the humor will be there as this is your average joe in MLP. but there will be some dark stuff later on.
4813010
Well, dark is bad. I love MLP because of it's light, friendship and kindness, so something like "cupcakes", "rainbow factory" and like it is NOT something I'd like to read, I'd better read some adventures or slice of life moments. I hope your dark elements will not be too hard.
4813140 they won't be otherwise i would have put the dark tag on. it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows with comedy.
Editor. Get an editor, and if you don't have one, consider this to be myself offering.
I find this amusing, continue on.
4813146
Well, personally I wouldn't mind to read all sunshine and rainbows, such pure stories are pretty rare here. The only one I can remember is "Sunny Skies All Day Long".
I saw this fic because it was featured, despite the fact that it doesn't have that many views for how long it's been around. And considering its 29-6 ratio, I knew I was in for a trip.
I enjoyed the first chapter and where the story seems to be going. I'm just afraid that I enjoyed it for all the wrong reasons. Whether I got the joke or am going to sound like a total jerk depends on a key question: is this fic a work of parody?
Simply put, this story is a good parody of the Human in Equestria genre. It takes all the tropes, bungles them so obviously incompetently, and then shows them with such shameless pride that it's hilarious. Whether it's the utterly bland and blank-slate main character (to the point of unlikeable whilst still being the Gary Stu), the transformation discovery scene that makes a greater point on having Tom's gender switch as opposed to his species transformation, and the way every character acts stereotyped and out of character simultaneously, there's a lot of ground covered and it's all made quite humorous. Even the writing style is correctly amateurish while conveying its scenes in such a baffling manner,
But if it's not intended to be parody, then this is where a long, awkward silence would be earned. There's a fine line between satirizing something, and simply being the very thing you're supposedly making fun of. And if the latter is true, then firstly I apologize. Secondly I urge you to rethink basically everything about this story, because it is not ready for a dignified release. At the very least, when you publish something without even editing it prior to release, you're only setting yourself up for some bad reviews and one heck of a bad time. Maybe you could benefit from an editor, maybe you should instead go back to the drawing board and practice writing and story formation some more. You have the basics down, but your skills and storytelling need to be refined further before you proceed.
You will ultimately choose what to do with your own story, but I think you should consider some read-throughs, revisions, and edits at the very least.
EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP!
4813462
4813507 EXACTLY!!!
Who the hell disliked this! Shoot the idiots....
Anyway, great work and cannot wait for the next chapter!
This could indeed use some editing, but seems like a fun little story with many potential laugh inducing scenarios.
Bring it on, can't wait for more
Its fine for a nonsense comedy, but I have to warn to stay away from drama, they do not mix well. Otherwise, lol.
Edited parts are bolded. I strongly urge you to pre-read at-least your own description. And i don't mean offense by this.
4814310 I think this might be a bit more accurate and grammatically correct:
4814384
You're right, i was just re-spelling and fixing the obvious grammatical problems.
Thanks.
MOAR
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pacing, young grasshopper.
pacing.
The troll is strong with this one.
MOAR!!
4813226
Featured? I keep an eye on the Features Box but I didn't see it in there. I've only seen this in the Popular Stories box.
4816944 I hope to see it feature. but I'm amazed how popular the unedited version is. I might just keep going on this story rather my usual cycle of stories.
4816944 Just got featured!
4816989 I just checked. I don't see it.
4816989
4817004
People don't understand the difference between the Popular Box and Features Box. This story is NOT in the features box. It is in the Popular box. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME.
This story seems way too fast paced. I can barely get through it. There is no detail, no sense of time, and beyond the premise, I see no real reason to read this. This whole narrative just rushed by, too much happened in too little words.
4817254 This was only the first chapter. the pacing will go alittle slower. THe issue here is there's only so much you can do in the castle ruins and with the mane 6 facing off what they think is a villian.
4817269
To me, this was little more than bullet points covering what happened. You really need to slow down, describe a little more. Facial expressions, body language, the setting; until your response, I thought they were most likely at Twilight's library.
You're hitting the reader with too many plot points at once.
4817297 True. and i wanted a little choas. Both sides are going to be what the heck/hay happened. the pace will slow down in next chapters.
4817309
You want the characters to feel that emotion and be confused, not the readers. There is a difference between making things chaotic and making it just too fast. You seem to withhold a lot of detail that would draw the reader in. Yes, you do have a fair number of upvotes. I am just pointing out what I think is a large difference between your story and ones I enjoy reading.
4817334 I'll take what you say in consideration. this is currently uneditted and when the editted version comes back I'll see what I can do.