Michael Wilson lived for seven years as a normal, happy boy, until he had to go to the hospital for an operation to save his life. After falling asleep in the operating room, he wakes up in the ruins of a castle. But his location is not the only thing that has changed. He is now a strange horse-like creature with a mane and tail that seem to be made of stars. Just what kind of dream is that sleeping gas giving him?
...
Or is it not a dream at all?
Dark and gore tag for certain chapters. There will be warnings at the beginning of these chapters to let you know which.
Cover art from HERE by ClassicsAreDead
First Featured 17-20/10/2014 then again 27-28/11/14. And again 24/4/1016.Seriously, thank you, all!
Now with a reading by TripyVox
Also with audio reading by Tarot Duelwield
![http://th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/012/9/e/celestia_stamp_of_approval_by_tiwake-d5rc0la.png[/img]](http://th07.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/012/9/e/celestia_stamp_of_approval_by_tiwake-d5rc0la.png[/img]){kind=link}
Huh, it's like past sins, but with a human in the mix...
Interesting.
Great story
so far good
, please continue
by the way the fact that the character is a filly reflect how young it is or he is more older than that?
5150147 no, the filly, when a human, was only seven years old
I like this story. Fav and like
it's rather like my death to Nightmare with a past Sins twist. What have I started?
anyway good story so far. WANT MOAR
5150230
I noticed a certain slip-up here...
Poor dude. Scared as hell..
Nice job on making Micheal seem young without being dumb.
Clever kids are really darn hard to pull of convincingly, but I think you've managed it so far.
Interesting opener, quickly saying there was a boy and he got to Equestria, just the way I like them, and getting straight to the story.
I'm starting to get the feeling that your favorite stories are HiE.
be
Michael: okay.-walks out-
5151087
lol
Great story.
That tickled me in all the right ways.
Should be 'passed'.
5150128
I was thinking the same thing!
The title of your story matches the title of my latest chapter.
I was rather surprised by it. So I'm putting this in a read later section. Seems interesting.
You have a spelling error in your short description:
Oooh... Interesting...
Very good so far. I have but one overarching problem. Whilst I get that there will be short, non complex sentences for when it's being told from the boy's point if view, it shouldn't then carry over to Twilight's point of view.
Since she is an adult, she would have more to say about things.
Still, other than that, a few mistakes, and a pretty decent story. Carry on.
Also, what's with all the gender swapping business? Why can't a little girl be trapped in NMM's body?
It's not a bad thing that it's a boy, it's just a common theme here. It's quite rare that we find a female human in Equestria story.
5152246 Better reactions? I do know of at least one where a female is in Nightmare's body, but it hasn't been updated in a while.
So... This was in the Feature Box, apparently... Can anyone explain why this got to the Feature Box? Because I'm just confused.
Well, you obviously succeeeded with something, considering the rating AND the fact that you hit the Feature Box. However, I'm not here to give mindless praise or suggest what should happen in future chapters like a mindless Past Sins drone.
I don't agree on that the story's good, matter of fact I think it's rather bad.
Let's start with the good things:
*The grammar is generally acceptable, you know how punctuation, comma etc... works.
*Twilight felt in-character most of the time, there were some sections, especially when she first saw the protagonist that felt a bit OOC for her.
*Dialogue is, overall, fairly okay. It's not too cheesy and reasonably consistent.
Okay, that was the good things, how about the bad ones?
*There are some cases of Mispeling Vyruses every now and then, but nothing ridiculous, might wanna run it through a spellchecker to find it.
*Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Sometimes you replace names or personal pronouns with short descriptions of established characters (ex. "The purple mare" instead of "Twilight" etc...) While not strictly wrong, it's still a bit annoying and comes off as a forced attempt to spice up the text. You generally don't need to use it in narrative, and it can be replaced with names or personal pronouns about 9 out of 10 times.
*The protagonist is boring. There's no real personality to relate to. He/she is also very confusing. I'm assuming he/she is very young, young enough to think girls are gross and unaware of female genitalia. However, he somehow possess enough medical knowledge to know that a part of the male genitalia is referred to as "penis". this needs some sort of explanation, or you need to change it.
*The plot is uninspired. Seriously, you took Past Sins and wrote an HiE story based on it? Hell, this story has basically nothing in common with Past Sins so far, save for Nyx (Or whatever you're calling her in this story). Human in Equestria is difficult to write, and almost all authors do the same thing: they think the reader cares about the human. The problem you run into is either A: the human becomes too much like a regular person and ends up being boring. Either that or B: the human becomes an overpowered Mary Sue that's even less interesting to read about, as 99.9% of them are self-insert wish fulfillment characters.
So what we have here is an uninteresting protagonist, set in a spinoff that shares almost nothing with the original, and a plot that fails to captivate the reader. You have decent writing skills, that much I can tell. But this story just fails to show it, as it's generally not very interesting or entertaining.
Unfortunately, I don't see any real way of improving this story without rebuilding it from the ground up and remove major plot points and characters, so I guess you might as well continue and please your newly gained readers.
The only real tip I can give you is getting a proofreader or two to fix grammar and spelling. Other than that I honestly don't think there's anything to do.
--Dementia Ravenmane, 2014-10-17, 23:32
5151445
is this SUPPOSED to be Nyx? cause everyone is saying it is but I don't think so... I mean there have been other " filly nightmare moon" stories both before and After Past Sins. Also the main charachter describes his/ her mane as being a " field of stars".. as a filly Nyx's mane only goes ethereal when she is using extreme amounts of magic. otherwise it is a rather boring purple mane.
5152836 The author thought of it when reading Past Sins. It has nothing to do with the story itself.
5152440 7 years old
okay so it is definitelty NOT nyx. the cutie mark seals it. Back off everyone and let this guy write his story.
Nice
5152440 okay, first off, i know a lot of seven year old boys who know what a penis is. thinking that they don't know what it is is just insulting to a child's intelegence.
Second, and this is also for any who decide to read this in the comments, this is not a remake of past sins. i said i got the idea whilst reading it, but i'm not trying to make another past sins, far from it. yes, twilight found her, but that doesn't mean it will be like past sins. for one, there will be no fooling Michael into bringing the eternal night and making her think she deserves to be queen whilst celestia, luna and the element bearers pay.
not that i'm saying the eternal night won't be attempted, just not by Michael herself. there's a reason the dark tag exsists on this story. twilight and the others have several enemies that would love to take advantage of an alicorn filly that looks like and has similar powers to nightmare moon and you all know it.
also, if this was a self insert, don't you think i would have made the human older before being turned into a filly? Yes, i based why Michael was in hospital on something i've been through, but that was it. this isn't a self insert. this fic has the human world based in 1998, long before mlp fim was even thought up. Michael has no knowledge of that world, which is where i mean to make this focus on, her learning the world is so different and noticing things about it that coincide with earth as well as the vast differences.
Interesting story, but I found a couple of things you may want to edit.
I
you can pull this off and keep updating it til the end...I must if I want to have something to read...
5151209
it's not a remake of past sins. i only thought of the idea whilst reading past sins, big difference.
5154335
thank you. i won't likely be updating this one for a while, but i will try to.
I suggest to pay a bit more attention to grammar and spelling, since they are a little shaky sometime, other than that it's a nice idea, I hope to see more of this soon
A fusion of Past Sins, and those 3 fanfics where humans end up in Nightmare Moon's body... I like it.
Love the story so far cant wait for the next chapter
I am sensing some strong potential here, I cannot wait to see how this turns out.
5154245
Good, because that's not what I said. I said that it was odd that he somehow knew the correct term for the male genitalia, but not even a "child term" for vagina.
I never said you were writing a remake. I said it felt like you were trying to write an HiE spinoff of Past Sins, but failed utterly as they have almost nothing in common. But alright, if that's not what you were going for it makes more sense.
Nope, don't know it. That's your job as the author to inform us of.
I never said it was a self-insert, I said many HiE are boring and uninspired self inserts. But nowhere did I say your protagonist was a self-insert.
--Dementia Ravenmane, 2014-10-18, 18:50
5155527
I knew what a dick was since I was six, but did not know what the fuck vaginas were called for a long time.
Except for that, your arguments are pretty solid, but the author attacked you because you started of with the words "This was in the featured box apparently".
DON'T PUT HUGE BANNERS IN DESCRIPTION. ITS ANNOYING!
Resize, or remove.
Oh the naivety of children. Sounds like a blood clot or something similar.
Little did he know that horses uses to wear armor when they were used for battle.
I think you meant 'will' there.
I like how Twilight has some sense and that Michael(?) acts his age. I will follow, love the fact that following and favoriting is separate now, but I won't favorite until later. I want to see where this goes first. Pretty good so far, but your author's notes could do with capitalizing your i's,
5152440 Don't listen to this guy, you're doing great so far. I do agree that a lot of HIE stories degrade into nonsense, but so far I don't see it with yours. Too early to tell though.
Well, I've enjoyed this so far. To anyone who is disparagingly comparing this with Past Sins- Are you serious? If only absolutely original ideas were permitted on fimfiction, not only would the entire HiE section be comprised of about 10 stories max, but none of us would have anything to read. It's original enough to be entertaining thus far, and looks likely to develop into a good story. Kudos to the author for not putting up with it too.
5159677
I've never read Past Sins myself but I do find myself a little on the edge about whether or not I like this story. While the concept itself is fine the dialogue could use some work as right now it feels somewhat cliche. I don't quite feel the immersion here I usually get when I read most other stories. I'll follow it for now and hope that the author goes back later and improves on the story some more.
scraped. not "scrapped." Dictionary is your friend.
hey autum breeze love your new story i await your next chapter with baited breath
Oh i curious when do you plan to update your "fluttershy flutterguy", "i'm a flightless filly", and "an apple far from the tree" i really am eager to read the next chapters for those stories
5161321 well ff and aafftt i plan on updating once i'm done with puny purple pony from padded to proud. after that, i planned on doing another chapter or two on aafftt and maybe the next to ff. not really sure. we'll all, even myself, have to wait and see where the chips fall