Chapter 1
___________________________________________________________
I groan, struggling to get up. I don’t know what happened, but when I screamed I’d felt something tingle on my horn and heard a strange shimmering sound, before an explosion sent me flying backwards into the wall on the other side of the room.
I open my eyes and they widen as I look at the spot I’d seen the spider. There was a large hole in the wall. Had the spider exploded? Did spiders do that in my dream, like those bomb bad guys in Super Mario?
Wait. I look down at my hooves, fear creeping into me. I can feel... pain. I’m... I’m hurting from being thrown at the wall by that spider exploding.
But... you can’t feel pain in a dream; you can’t get hurt. If... if I’m hurting right now, that means... that means this isn’t a dream. I really am in some ruined castle somewhere, I really am a unicorn with wings and dragon eyes and I really have turned into a girl!
I probably would have started screaming right then and there, but something stopped me.
“Hello?”
I freeze. Another voice. Someone else was in this ruined castle? Maybe it wasn’t abandoned after all. And I just went and made a spider explode and destroy more of the castle. The owner will probably think I did all the other damages too.
I frantically look around, trying to find a place to hide. My eyes fell upon some turned over, moss-covered stone tables. That would have to do.
I hurried across the floor, hating my hooves as they made loud clopping noises against the stone floor.
“Twilight, did you hear that?” another voice called from somewhere in the castle.
“She must be in the tower where we defeated Nightmare Moon,” the first voice answered.
I skidded under the tables and hunched down, my wings pressed against my sides. Something about those last two words made me feel uneasy. They shouldn’t have. It just sounded like a lame name for a bad guy in TV shows like Sailor Moon. In fact, it could have passed for a name like that. But, the name made me uneasy, as if I should know it, as if I knew it, remembered it. But how? Til just now I’ve never heard that before.
The sound of clopping on stone caused my ears to turn towards the door and I shut my eyes, listening, hoping I wouldn’t be found out.
“Whoa. I don’t remember this hole being here before,” the second voice said, sounding like it was in the room now, meaning the other voice, Twilight, I’m guessing, was in here too. She was going to be so angry with me.
“You’re right, Spike, it wasn’t,” Twilight’s voice said, her tone sounding angry to my ears. “It’s strange. I sense magic around it. But... that can’t be right.”
“What is it, Twi?” Spike replied, slight worry having entered his voice.
“It feels like... No, that can’t be. We defeated her and freed Luna from her.”
“Y-You don’t mean...?” Spike’s voice was trembling now.
“Yes,” I peeked me eyes open and saw Twilight nodding. “Nightmare Moon.”
At the sound of the name I shivered again. Why did just hearing that name make chills go down my back, causing my wings to twitch?
“B-but that can’t be!” Spike practically shouted. “You and the girls beat her ages ago! She can’t be— Hey, what was that?”
I shut my eyes quickly. I’d opened them to get a look at Twilight and Spike. What I’d seen had frozen me to the spot. Twilight was a horse like me, and had wings and a horn too, only she was much bigger and her colours were very different. Her fur was lavender coloured and while she had a mark on her thighs much like I did, hers weren’t of a moon, but a six-pointed purple star surrounded by five other white stars.
Spike was some kind of lizard that walked on two legs. His tops scales were purple, like Twilight’s fur, but his underbelly was green. His tail ended in a triangle. He was really small, only reaching to just about the same height as me, I think.
I only got to see his eyes for a second though. They were like mine, but green. As soon as I saw them though, I shut my own eyes, so he wouldn’t see me, but he must have just seen a small bit of my eyes closing, because I could hear steps coming towards me.
“What is it, Spike?” Twilight’s voice asked, sounding both cautious and interested.
“I thought I saw something,” Spike’s voice answered.
I was shivering. Any second now they’d find me and blame me for what had happened to their castle. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know that spider would explode and I didn’t have anything to do with the rest of the castle. That must have been this Nightmare Moon they had mentioned.
“Hello?” Twilight’s voice pulled me from my thoughts. However, it didn’t sound angry, like I’d thought it would. It sounded kind and gentle. “Are you in there? You really shouldn’t be playing around in here, it’s dangerous.”
I had no intention of answering. If I showed myself, they’d punish me for ruining the castle, when I didn’t do anything; I just knew they would. That’s how fairy tales work. You think someone’s nice, but then they reveal that they’re evil and you’re doomed.
I tried to move farther back, not noticing the bit of cover dipped down and scraped my horn against it. I give out a yelp as I drop down, pressing my tummy against the cold stone floor. That had really hurt. I didn’t know my horn would be that sensitive.
“Are you okay?” Twilight sounded worried now. Maybe she thought I’d hurt myself, which I had. Maybe she’s not so bad after all. No bad guy pretending to be a good guy could sound so concerned without it sounding fake.
“J... just my horn,” I whisper, keeping my eyes shut. “I-I scrapped it on the stone.”
I heard Twilight sigh. “That’s good. I was worried it was serious. Now, how about you come out of there, so I can see you? You can’t stay here, after all.”
Yeah. She probably didn’t like little kids playing around in her castle.
I squeak in answer to her, nodding my head and slowly move forward, keeping my eyes shut the whole time.
When I’ve finally stepped out from my hiding place and fall height, I open my eyes and look up. Twilight’s staring at me, her eyes (which I notice are a really beautiful purple) wide in shock and... fear? Why is she scared? What did I do?
Suddenly, without warning her horn glows with some purple stuff and I hear that shimmering sound again. However, I’m not thinking about that, because I feel my whole body surrounded by that strange tingling feeling I’d felt on my horn before, only different this time. Not only that, but I’m lifted into the air and held there. No matter how hard I struggle, I can’t get free.
I look to Twilight, wondering what’s going on, before my heart leaps into my throat. Twilight’s glaring at me. No, glaring doesn’t even come close to the look she’s giving me. It’s outright hatred in her eyes.
I’m gripped with terror. I was right. Twilight is like those bad guys that pretend to be good, only to turn on you because they’re evil.
___________________________________________________________
Twilight scowled at the filly in her grasp. She was back! Nightmare Moon had somehow come back. She dared to return after everything Twilight and her friends had done to stop her, to save Luna, and yet she still found some way of coming back.
Luckily, it seemed she hadn’t been strong enough to return as she was. She’d become nothing but a filly Alicorn and clearly had been planning something here in Celestia and Luna’s old castle. Her mistake had been getting angry, and blasting the wall like she did.
If she hadn’t done that, Twilight might never have known she was even here, gotten her books from the castle’s library and left, none the wiser that the demon that separated Celestia and Luna for a thousand years had returned.
“Why have you come back, Nightmare Moon?!” she demanded, practically shouting it, not noticing the filly flinch at the sound of her own name. “You lost, the eternal night will never happen! Have you returned to take Luna and Celestia away from each other again? Do you plan on making everypony suffer for no reason what so ever? Talk!!”
“I— I— I’m sorry!” the filly Nightmare Moon screamed and, to Twilight’s shock, tears started streaming down her face. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make that spider explode; I didn’t know that they could explode. I didn’t mean for it t’ happen. I promise that’s all I did, though! I don’t know what happened to the rest of your castle, but I’m sorry! Please, don’t hurt me, Miss Twilight! I didn’t mean to make a hole in your castle. I’m sorry!”
Twilight was stock still, her brain having gone into lock down. Nightmare Moon was... apologizing? Honestly apologizing? That... that didn’t make any sense. Nightmare wouldn’t care enough to feel even the slightest bit sorry for anything, let alone actually be able to bring herself to say those words, even if she didn’t mean it.
Not only that, it was the way the filly was looking at her. In her dragon-like eyes, eyes that had looked down on Twilight herself like she was nothing but a bug to be squashed under her hoof at a moment of her choosing, she saw, not hatred or disgust, but... fear. Pure, unadulterated, I-am-about-to-die fear. She was looking at Twilight as if she were a horrifying monster about to gobble her up.
Twilight’s mind was locked in a tornado of confusion as she tried to process this.
It was some time later when the sound of pleading caused her to come out of her stupor and look back at Nightmare moon. The filly had closed her eyes, tears still streaming down her face.
“Mum, Dad, where are you?” she was whispering as she sobbed, her voice filled with heartache that made Twilight’s own heart clench. “Save me, please. Please save me.”
That did it for Twilight. While she had no idea whether or not this was Nightmare Moon reincarnated as a filly or not anymore, she couldn’t, in good conscience, hold the filly like she had.
She gently lowered the filly and released her magical grip. The moment she was free the filly ran back to where she’d been hiding before and stayed there. With no sign of her eyes, Twilight knew her eyes were tightly shut as the sound of her sobbing continued.
Twilight looked to Spike, who was staring at her, just as shocked. He shook his head. He hadn’t been expecting that either.
Twilight sighed, guilt gripping her insides now. Whether this filly was Nightmare moon or not, it didn’t matter. She was scared and alone and Twilight clearly had done something horrible then. She’d gone and convinced the filly to come out of hiding, to trust her, only to yank her into the air and treat her like a monster. This filly wasn’t the monster; she was.
Carefully, Twilight lowered herself down onto her stomach and looked into the darkness within the hole the filly had run back into. She put on her most sincerely apologetic face.
“Hey,” she whispered, only to be answered but a sobbing squeak. She sighed and moved in a little. “Listen, I’m... I’m sorry. I thought you were somepony else. I wouldn’t have done that if I knew you weren’t her.”
The turquoise-blue eyes opened and looked at her, both in fear and curiosity. “P-promise?”
Her voice was so small. It sounded nothing like Nightmare Moon, yet Twilight couldn’t ignore what she could see with her own eyes, nor what she could sense with her own magic. This filly didn’t just look like Nightmare Moon; she also had her magical power, the magical mane and tail were evidence enough of that.
But, the way she was acting, the fear in her eyes, it was nothing like Nightmare Moon. Even if this were the same mare, turned a filly, the fear in her eyes would’ve been that of not being able to finish her plan, of losing. The fear she was seeing, however, was that of one who had no clue where she was or why she was here.
The filly didn’t respond right away. Twilight waited for several minutes, til the sun was high in the sky, before she finally came out.
Slowly, the filly walked out, keeping her head low, as if she was afraid looking at Twilight would give her reason to grab her in her magic again.
Soon as she was in clear view, Twilight looked over the filly. The fur colour, magical mane and tail, Cutie Mark and eyes all matched the infamous Mare in the Moon, but, at the same time, it was like seeing somepony wearing a costume that had been stuck onto them.
This filly didn’t seem angry that Twilight had found her, annoyed by her presence or anything that would suggest Nightmare Moon. She only showed fear and sadness, as if her whole world had been taken away from her.
Twilight chanced leaning her head down and nuzzled the filly’s cheek. The response was for the filly to throw her forelegs around the older mare’s neck, beginning her sobbing once again. Twilight couldn’t help but lift a foreleg and hold the smaller Alicorn. She was upset and it was all Twilight’s fault. She’d already been scared and Twilight had only made it worse.
Spike looked at the black pony, confusion on his face. “Twilight, is this Nightmare Moon or not?”
Twilight didn’t respond at first, noticing the filly flinch at the name. But, after a few moments, she shook her head. “I’m not sure, Spike. All I can say is that she’s scared and we can’t just leave her here, all alone.”
Spike nodded. As much as he was scared of the Nightmare Moon look-a-like, he knew Twilight was right. Whoever this filly was, she was scared and they couldn’t just leave her alone in the castle, even if she was Nightmare Moon.
Twilight motioned for Spike to come closer. He did so, hopping onto her back. Twilight lit her horn and began her teleportation spell. She felt the filly tense as the magic covered her, but after a few soothing whispers, her body eased.
Twilight knew she couldn’t take the filly back to Ponyville, not directly anyway. Ponies would panic when they saw a pony that looked liked the mare who’d banished Celestia to the sun and was willingly to plunge their world in Eternal Night.
So, she’d have to teleport her directly to the castle and hope none of her friends found out before she could think of what to do next.
Huh, it's like past sins, but with a human in the mix...
Interesting.
so far good
, please continue
by the way the fact that the character is a filly reflect how young it is or he is more older than that?
5150147 no, the filly, when a human, was only seven years old
I like this story. Fav and like
it's rather like my death to Nightmare with a past Sins twist. What have I started?
anyway good story so far. WANT MOAR
5150230
I noticed a certain slip-up here...
Poor dude. Scared as hell..
Nice job on making Micheal seem young without being dumb.
Clever kids are really darn hard to pull of convincingly, but I think you've managed it so far.
Michael: okay.-walks out-
5151087
lol
Great story.
5150128
I was thinking the same thing!
The title of your story matches the title of my latest chapter.
I was rather surprised by it. So I'm putting this in a read later section. Seems interesting.
You have a spelling error in your short description:
Very good so far. I have but one overarching problem. Whilst I get that there will be short, non complex sentences for when it's being told from the boy's point if view, it shouldn't then carry over to Twilight's point of view.
Since she is an adult, she would have more to say about things.
Still, other than that, a few mistakes, and a pretty decent story. Carry on.
Also, what's with all the gender swapping business? Why can't a little girl be trapped in NMM's body?
It's not a bad thing that it's a boy, it's just a common theme here. It's quite rare that we find a female human in Equestria story.
5152246 Better reactions? I do know of at least one where a female is in Nightmare's body, but it hasn't been updated in a while.
So... This was in the Feature Box, apparently... Can anyone explain why this got to the Feature Box? Because I'm just confused.
Well, you obviously succeeeded with something, considering the rating AND the fact that you hit the Feature Box. However, I'm not here to give mindless praise or suggest what should happen in future chapters like a mindless Past Sins drone.
I don't agree on that the story's good, matter of fact I think it's rather bad.
Let's start with the good things:
*The grammar is generally acceptable, you know how punctuation, comma etc... works.
*Twilight felt in-character most of the time, there were some sections, especially when she first saw the protagonist that felt a bit OOC for her.
*Dialogue is, overall, fairly okay. It's not too cheesy and reasonably consistent.
Okay, that was the good things, how about the bad ones?
*There are some cases of Mispeling Vyruses every now and then, but nothing ridiculous, might wanna run it through a spellchecker to find it.
*Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Sometimes you replace names or personal pronouns with short descriptions of established characters (ex. "The purple mare" instead of "Twilight" etc...) While not strictly wrong, it's still a bit annoying and comes off as a forced attempt to spice up the text. You generally don't need to use it in narrative, and it can be replaced with names or personal pronouns about 9 out of 10 times.
*The protagonist is boring. There's no real personality to relate to. He/she is also very confusing. I'm assuming he/she is very young, young enough to think girls are gross and unaware of female genitalia. However, he somehow possess enough medical knowledge to know that a part of the male genitalia is referred to as "penis". this needs some sort of explanation, or you need to change it.
*The plot is uninspired. Seriously, you took Past Sins and wrote an HiE story based on it? Hell, this story has basically nothing in common with Past Sins so far, save for Nyx (Or whatever you're calling her in this story). Human in Equestria is difficult to write, and almost all authors do the same thing: they think the reader cares about the human. The problem you run into is either A: the human becomes too much like a regular person and ends up being boring. Either that or B: the human becomes an overpowered Mary Sue that's even less interesting to read about, as 99.9% of them are self-insert wish fulfillment characters.
So what we have here is an uninteresting protagonist, set in a spinoff that shares almost nothing with the original, and a plot that fails to captivate the reader. You have decent writing skills, that much I can tell. But this story just fails to show it, as it's generally not very interesting or entertaining.
Unfortunately, I don't see any real way of improving this story without rebuilding it from the ground up and remove major plot points and characters, so I guess you might as well continue and please your newly gained readers.
The only real tip I can give you is getting a proofreader or two to fix grammar and spelling. Other than that I honestly don't think there's anything to do.
--Dementia Ravenmane, 2014-10-17, 23:32
is this SUPPOSED to be Nyx? cause everyone is saying it is but I don't think so... I mean there have been other " filly nightmare moon" stories both before and After Past Sins. Also the main charachter describes his/ her mane as being a " field of stars".. as a filly Nyx's mane only goes ethereal when she is using extreme amounts of magic. otherwise it is a rather boring purple mane.
5152836 The author thought of it when reading Past Sins. It has nothing to do with the story itself.
5152440 7 years old
5152440 okay, first off, i know a lot of seven year old boys who know what a penis is. thinking that they don't know what it is is just insulting to a child's intelegence.
Second, and this is also for any who decide to read this in the comments, this is not a remake of past sins. i said i got the idea whilst reading it, but i'm not trying to make another past sins, far from it. yes, twilight found her, but that doesn't mean it will be like past sins. for one, there will be no fooling Michael into bringing the eternal night and making her think she deserves to be queen whilst celestia, luna and the element bearers pay.
not that i'm saying the eternal night won't be attempted, just not by Michael herself. there's a reason the dark tag exsists on this story. twilight and the others have several enemies that would love to take advantage of an alicorn filly that looks like and has similar powers to nightmare moon and you all know it.
also, if this was a self insert, don't you think i would have made the human older before being turned into a filly? Yes, i based why Michael was in hospital on something i've been through, but that was it. this isn't a self insert. this fic has the human world based in 1998, long before mlp fim was even thought up. Michael has no knowledge of that world, which is where i mean to make this focus on, her learning the world is so different and noticing things about it that coincide with earth as well as the vast differences.
Interesting story, but I found a couple of things you may want to edit.
I
you can pull this off and keep updating it til the end...I must if I want to have something to read...
5151209
it's not a remake of past sins. i only thought of the idea whilst reading past sins, big difference.
5154335
thank you. i won't likely be updating this one for a while, but i will try to.
I suggest to pay a bit more attention to grammar and spelling, since they are a little shaky sometime, other than that it's a nice idea, I hope to see more of this soon
A fusion of Past Sins, and those 3 fanfics where humans end up in Nightmare Moon's body... I like it.
Love the story so far cant wait for the next chapter
I am sensing some strong potential here, I cannot wait to see how this turns out.
5154245
Good, because that's not what I said. I said that it was odd that he somehow knew the correct term for the male genitalia, but not even a "child term" for vagina.
I never said you were writing a remake. I said it felt like you were trying to write an HiE spinoff of Past Sins, but failed utterly as they have almost nothing in common. But alright, if that's not what you were going for it makes more sense.
Nope, don't know it. That's your job as the author to inform us of.
I never said it was a self-insert, I said many HiE are boring and uninspired self inserts. But nowhere did I say your protagonist was a self-insert.
--Dementia Ravenmane, 2014-10-18, 18:50
5155527
I knew what a dick was since I was six, but did not know what the fuck vaginas were called for a long time.
Except for that, your arguments are pretty solid, but the author attacked you because you started of with the words "This was in the featured box apparently".
I like how Twilight has some sense and that Michael(?) acts his age. I will follow, love the fact that following and favoriting is separate now, but I won't favorite until later. I want to see where this goes first. Pretty good so far, but your author's notes could do with capitalizing your i's,
5152440 Don't listen to this guy, you're doing great so far. I do agree that a lot of HIE stories degrade into nonsense, but so far I don't see it with yours. Too early to tell though.
Well, I've enjoyed this so far. To anyone who is disparagingly comparing this with Past Sins- Are you serious? If only absolutely original ideas were permitted on fimfiction, not only would the entire HiE section be comprised of about 10 stories max, but none of us would have anything to read. It's original enough to be entertaining thus far, and looks likely to develop into a good story. Kudos to the author for not putting up with it too.
5159677
I've never read Past Sins myself but I do find myself a little on the edge about whether or not I like this story. While the concept itself is fine the dialogue could use some work as right now it feels somewhat cliche. I don't quite feel the immersion here I usually get when I read most other stories. I'll follow it for now and hope that the author goes back later and improves on the story some more.
scraped. not "scrapped." Dictionary is your friend.
hey autum breeze love your new story i await your next chapter with baited breath
Oh i curious when do you plan to update your "fluttershy flutterguy", "i'm a flightless filly", and "an apple far from the tree" i really am eager to read the next chapters for those stories
5161321 well ff and aafftt i plan on updating once i'm done with puny purple pony from padded to proud. after that, i planned on doing another chapter or two on aafftt and maybe the next to ff. not really sure. we'll all, even myself, have to wait and see where the chips fall
5162978 ok cool thanks for telling me i guess that holds true for "i am a flightless filly" i am asuming that "ff" means "fluttershy flutterguy"
5164360 aafftt means an apple far from the tree
5174772 no no you misunderstood me I knew what aafft meant i was simply asking if you also were going to update "i am a flightless filly" along with aafft and ff. I am sorry for the misunderstanding
5174922 well, to be honest, flightless filly won't be updated for a while. i really need to stew over just how the next chapter goes. i don't want it to seem really hack-job instead of thoughtout.
5174934 i understand your a brillient author i can wait i was just curious
I found a very minor thing you may want to edit.
That should be plural instead of singular.
love it so far, cant wait for the next chapter hope its soon
GIVE.ME.MORE!!!!!!!!!!!












The sailor moon mention remind me that in the comics( Celestia's micro-comic) there are some refereces of that show:
......
sailormoonnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/sailor_saturn_and_sailor_chibi_moon_as_ponies_in_the_my_little_pony_friendship_is_magic_comic.jpg
sailormoonnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/sailor_uranus_and_sailor_neptune_as_ponies_in_the_my_little_pony_comic.jpg
Probably to our protagonist the first thing that came to her head when somepony mention P.Luna would be that she has a name of a cat
More.