• Member Since 7th Nov, 2012
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Bronyz4ever90


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When the Lingering Will defeated Terranort for the first time, it thought that it's brief existence was over. It had lost it's heart, it's body, and most importantly: it's friends. However, what would happen if instead of being sent to the Keyblade Graveryard, it was sent somewhere else?

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 143 )

this story has potencial don't be like gohan are waste it ps I like the story

Very nice fight scene!! Keep up the good work :ajsmug:

2866149 Thank you, I'll do my best :)

We will watch... we will wait.

This...is awesome. Sucks that I wasn't able to read and watch the vid at the same time...BUT THAT WAS AWESOME!!

5 moustaches! :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

“Your body submits, your heart succumbs, so why does your mind resist”
always the best epic part in this game.
great chapter mister , can't wait for the next:twilightsmile:

2875585 Yeah, I always did like that quote myself :). Thanks!!

Hmm..Not bad..Not bad..

Very nice indeed. The fight was really well done and with Nightmare Moon around as a kind of lingering influence is a nice idea. A kind of dark side always whispering in your ear, looking for any opportunity to corrupt. I look forward to the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

I really like this story so far. The storytelling is simply gripping.

It's turning out pretty good.

Keep it up.:raritywink:

Oh my... how unexpected. Pretty good chapter.
This is a bit awkward:

Terra just stared at the pony creature silent.

“…Ummm, are you lost and…do you need a friend” she offered in a friendly manner.

I suggest something more like this, now and in the future:

Terra just stared at the pony-like creature silently.

“…Umm, whatever you are, you look lost. Would you like some help?” she offered in a friendly manner.

It flows better in my opinion.

Terra sound like Broly at the end :rainbowlaugh:

[img]broly_motivator_by_dbz10-d53uf73[/img]

And i was just thinking , when he is starting to remember of Aqua and Ven , did he still know theirs names ?
Anyway good chapter , i love your story:yay:

2902387
You're welcome. ̼⌂̺͛ᴖ̲̿ᴥ̲̿ᴖ̺͛⌂̼

2902387

GREETINGS!!! WOULD THOU WANT TO BE THY…

To me...
images.wikia.com/scpcontainmentbreach/images/6/62/Fire_explosion_rock_7917.jpg
Luna...your gonna kill us all...

STOP SCREAMING!!

Overall, epic chapter. Five mustaches. :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

2909144 Heh heh, no ones ear drums are safe from Lunas Royal greeting :) Anywho, thanks ^_^

i am a little confused of your use of eraques, you realise he had been corrupted by the light right?

2946570 Oh I know he was corrupted. But I cant very well tell you what it means right now, else I'd spoil the next chapter :)

*Reads description* Yes, yes, yes yes, yes yes yes, YES YES YES YES YES!!! TERRA!!!!!!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

2959436 Haha!!! Nice :D. I dunno, I just thought Terra meeting Luna would be an interesting idea.

2959513 It is, oh and I just read the first chapter. It was pretty good, but there were a few things that I saw in my first run through that bothered me. One was that in the fight scene half of the text was italicized, why I don't know, but to me I found it slightly distracting and it made me glaze over the text. I also noticed that in the beginning with Luna, you seemed to have the italicized text there to present a different mind/pony. In a story the point of view stays on a single character for a scene, so everything that happens they experience and react to. For the first scene you didn't push into this because all that Luna's envious side did was whisper dark thoughts and ideas to try to corrupt her counter part, but in the second scene, the fight scene between The Lingering Will and Terranort, you share the point of view between the two fighters when it should either stay within The Lingering Will or Xerahnort in Terra's body. Thirdly, you forgot to put commas before and after someone talks and in the fight scene you put exclamation marks at the end of paragraphs and sometimes in the middle of them in the fight scene which makes it sound as if a third party is watching and commenting on the whole ordeal like one would a baseball game. Generally these should just be periods unless the text is caught together with one of the character's thoughts. You also forget some words in sentences or make some of them awkward which makes the chapter hard to read.

These are all the mistakes I found, but I probably missed a couple, the story's still great and since it's your first story, that makes it fantastic! My first story was WAAAYYYYY worse than this. There are just some things that you need to work on that will iron out as you go along. Two suggestions though, one is get an editor to help point out these mistakes if you haven't already gotten one, I suggest getting one from The Proofreader Group, and the other is an optional one which is to search online for worksheets, tests, and other such things to practice grammar such as verb tenses to further hone your skills.

I hope I haven't been to harsh, I still like the story, I really do, I'm just trying to point some things out so it's even greater so even more people like it.

2959861 Ahh, thanks for the advice. No I don't think you were too harsh. What you said makes sense. Though to explain, the part in the Lingering Will vs Terranort, I did the italics thing intentionally. Since The Lingering Will at the time is just that, Terra's Will and an inanimate object being moved by his will, I thought it would make more sense to distinguish between it and Xehanort (That's why I always said "It attacked" not "He attacked".) Err, i hope that makes sense lol.

Though that second part, yes I need to improve on that. I've been searching, but I can't find a proper BETA. I've had other's look over, and they've caught mistakes yeah, but I constantly worry that not everything has been caught at times.

2959963 The text for The Lingering Will should still be normal then aside from the parts where it talks. It should be no different from the rest of the text because you're still showing the same scene.

2962498 Ahhh, so when it's doing anything other then talking to itself, it should be normal. Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you :).

2962649 Hey, no problem. I'm just happy I could help. :twilightsmile:

Alright, a few things about this chapter. Firstly, some of the stuff I said about the first chapter is also in here, mainly when you switch perspectives so often in the fight. If you want to continuously change the perspective of the fight make it into multiple scenes of the same fight so it looks more professional or keep it to a single character. Secondly, were all the names of the attacks needed? You could simply state the actions, like when Terra threw his keyblade people who've played the game, which would be most everyone who'd be reading this would guess it was strike raid. Aside from that, good chapter. :twilightsmile:

2990093 Ahh, the multiple scenes things sure I can do that!!

Though, for the shouting the attacks: lemme explain. I was kinda going for a game feel. Kinda like when in the game when you use a certain attack, the character shouts it. Ex: Sora: FIRA!! *shoots fira ball*. Though for the attacks where they don't shout it out, I have them think it to themselves. I figured it'd be simpler to have them think their attacks to help show what attack their gonna use, so it could help show the reader what their doing.

2990193 Though thanks for the advice :). Having them think some of the attacks, rather then them shouting all of their attacks is good ^_^.

Otherwise, it'd have a digimon feel lol. Not that I dont like digimon or anything like that.

2990222 It's funny you mention Digimon because I was going to have a digimon crossover with my KH crossover, hint hint, there's only a single Digimon who's going to be going into Equestria and he is as black as ebony with golden eyes. :pinkiehappy:

2990554 Haha!! Lucky guess huh? :). Errr, Black WarGreymon?

2990590 Annnnd doone :). Multiscened so to cover more of the fight. Thanks for the advice ^_^

2997685 No problem. :twilightsmile: I'm just happy I could help. :pinkiehappy:

2997685 MOAR??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????//

3006994 Fractured mind,mixed with amnesia. Sooo, along with memories, it couuuld apply to moves as well :)

Intriguing story. Please continue!
Just one thing though, does the Lingering Will have a physical body in this or is it still just Terra's Armor? If the latter, then the Pony's are sure to try removing the Armor at some point. Will they be in for a surprise?

3007010 Weelll, I can't very well tell if he has a physical body or not. Doing so would spoil the surprise. ^_^

The quality of writing in this chapter is higher than that of the previous chapters. Good job.
Pretty much the only improvements needed are things like awkward phrasing, a few punctuation errors, and a teeny bit of bad grammar here and there.
For example:

Did it not try to strike you down sister,”

->
Did it not try to strike you down, sister?”

All in all, a good chapter. I enjoyed it and am glad your writing is improving.:twilightsmile:

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