Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXLII - Spooktober Edition · 8:02pm Oct 19th, 2023
Hey folks! This week I decided to try planning things a bit, making it my Spooktober blog. Yeah, Halloween’s a good two weeks away, but if I waited to release two Thursdays from now it would be after Halloween. If there’s anything Paul hates, it’s being late.
“Well, Paul, why not just post the reviews on a Tuesday instead?”
Excuse you, random voice in my head, but does that title say Paul’s Tuesday Reviews? No, it does not. We have standards in this household, ya philistine!
Anyway, I went out of my way to hunt down thematically appropriate stories for this week. I also decided to keep a broad reach, picking up stories spread out throughout the history of FIMFiction. Stories in this blog are roughly evenly spaced in release timing, from 2012 to 2023. I even chose this week’s Long Story in accordance with the month, which is not something I often do but might become a trend for October (I’ve already picked out next year’s story, for example).
The results are… mixed. But that’s okay, it was the theming I was interested in and it was the theming I got! Still, next time I might ask for recommendations rather than go hunting stories somewhat at random.
In the meantime, my Lovecraft-inspired story is ready to go! I’ve got it loaded up on FIMFiction and everything, all I gotta do is hit the ol’ Submit button. I’ve decided to release it on Sunday. However, I’ll be doing so in small amounts, ~10% of material/day. In other words, it starts on the 22nd and ends on the 31st. I doubt I have to explain why. The waiting is torture. I’m actually excited about this one in a way I usually am not for new releases anymore.
Alright, enough of my rambling! Let’s get to the thematically appropriate reviews.
Pre-Post Edit: Apparently, I have (had?) an alligator living in the drainage pipe under my neighbor’s driveway. I find this highly entertaining to say the least. My neighbor, the first to notice it, called the police, who spent about three hours today trying to make the thing come out so they could move it somewhere less populated. No idea if they succeeded; I was kind of busy with work and couldn’t sit around watching them for hours. They’re gone now, so I presume they eventually caught it? Or gave up.
Personally, I’m not afraid of an alligator, especially one small enough to fit in one of those pipes. Heck, if I saw it it would be the highlight of my day. Alas, there are little children and dogs in this neighborhood, so for their sake the gator’s gotta go. A pity, I wouldn’t mind having a scaly neighbor.
Stories for This Week:
The Leap by LoreLove
Déjà Vu by Charles Spratt
The Path by Mortomis Reaper
Heavenly Turmoil by TheManWithTwoNames
I Don't Want to Be a Tree Anymore by Kris Overstreet
Ouija by Knackerman
Pneuma by Flashgen
In Birdsong by themoontonite
Room by AstralMouse
Background Pony by shortskirtsandexplosions
Total Word Count: 537,120
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 5
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Twilight and Starlight are throwing beams and teleporting around because… uh… because. When Twilight gets distracted for a split second, however, one of her teleports does something unusual. Now she finds herself trapped in a world perfectly identical to her own, seeming to be trapped at a specific instant in time and with not a soul in sight. Utterly alone and at a loss for how she ever arrived, she sets out to discover what went wrong and how to get home.
This has all the hallmarks of a strong sadfic. The isolation, the hope created by Twilight’s discoveries, the crushing loss of that hope, an ending that may or may not count as a twist. Speaking strictly in terms of the plot, I have little to complain about. No, we never find out the exact why of Twilight’s situation, but that’s hardly the point.
No, it’s the writing that is the problem here, and what a problem it is. Pertinent words and phrases will be missing. Far more common and much, much worse: sentences are needlessly long, often awkward, and of questionable grammatical integrity. The writing style is telly in the extreme, often going into excruciating detail regarding how Twilight feels and exactly why, sometimes repeating information you’re already well aware of in the process.
In short, reading this story is a chore that saps away any potential emotion it might otherwise have offered.
I must reiterate that, aside from one or two nitpicks (what ‘Dragon Lair’?), the story is pretty good, especially for lovers of sadfics. Had this been written competently, I’m confident it would have earned high marks. It’s hard not to at least feel for Twilight at the end, which is really saying something considering the way it’s written. The scene involving Sunset Shimmer is also a highlight, although it too is heavily weighed down by the stylistic problems.
I will note that this was written way back in 2016. Maybe something more recent will show some improvement. *checks LoreLove’s library* Assuming I can find something that isn’t porn, that is…
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Déjà Vu
1,952 Words
By Charles Spratt
Sonata relives the events of Rainbow Rocks. Again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
The summary says it all. Sonata finds herself trapped, having to recite her lines and go through the motions infinitely. Whenever the movie ends the world gets dark and she doesn’t exist, although she can still feel, and it is a painful experience. Then it happens again, on and on for as long as she can remember. She doesn’t know if the other characters are as aware as she is. She only deviated from the routine one time, entirely by accident, and the consequences were more than she can bear.
Is this the first time I’ve seen this idea? Of course not. But Charles Spratt does a good job with what he had to work with. It’s hard not to feel sorry for Sonata, and might make you feel guilty for having ever rewatched Rainbow Rocks. Or in my case, just the whole climax, which remains one of my favorite musical moments of the entire franchise.
Not a bad show, in spite of its not uncommon premise.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Path
5,668 Words
By Mortomis Reaper
After years of living in anxiety, Fluttershy has finally gathered enough courage to give Nightmare Night a go. Just before she can leave, however, Angel Bunny spots something approaching the cottage that sends him on a terror-filled scramble into the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy hurries after him, unaware of the bloody things she’ll find.
It was a very entertaining and inviting sight but this is not where our story takes place, just outside of town lived a yellow Pegasus by the name of Fluttershy, usually around this time of year she would be frightened, locking herself up in her home and turning out all of the lights and pretending that nopony was home, but this year she had a change of heart.
She went to the fridge pulling out a few slices of pumpkin and a few carrots, she pulled an iron pot out from the cabinet and put it under the faucet turning it on and left it running so that the pot could fill up, the knife made a thud as it made contact with the cutting board as she sliced up the fresh vegetables, then proceeded to slide them into the pot.
Her thoughts were interrupted hen she heard something behind her snap, she stopped and froze in fear , hear heart felt as if it were about to cave in as she heard it in her ears like a primitive drum beat, she made no sounds, the only sound that could be heard was the wind blowing through an opening overhead, and then following the moment of dead silence ....was a low hiss.
Yeeeeeeah. High-quality writing this is not. This author has only the faintest concept of how sentences work, and is especially ignorant of the difference between a comma and a period or how to use spaces around either. The writing is a mess at best.
What of the story? Well, it’s quite simple: something spooks Angel, who flees into the forest, and Fluttershy chases after him. There she finds all sorts of animals that have been brutally torn apart for what appears to be reasons other than consumption. Eventually she gets chased by whatever thing has been doing this. It does not end well.
Despite the simple concept, this could have been a decent horror story with the right atmospheric touch. This is especially true when you consider the mystery surrounding the monster, which is left open to interpretation. But Mortomis Reaper’s writing is so bad that it makes it impossible to appreciate the events as they are happening. I’d say “maybe next time” but this author disappeared from the site in 2020 and only has one other story, which was released only two days after this one. No chance of an improvement there.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Heavenly Turmoil
41,769 Words
By TheManWithTwoNames
Discord is defeated and everything’s going well. Or rather, they should be. Until Celestia starts having hallucinations of the spirit of chaos. Every day, he seeps a little deeper into her brain. Every day, she questions more and more of her reality.
When this story began I had some serious reservations. TheManWithTwoNames has some really awkward, if not outright stupid, ideas of what it takes to rule a country. It turns out that aside from raising and lowering the sun, Celestia’s entire job as ruler of Equestria is to… uh… sit on her throne. No, really, that’s it. There’s a chapter where Celestia only gets two petitioners in the Day Court. You’d think this would give her time to do something important, like review proposed laws or handle her communiqués or meet with important governing figures or... or something. But no, in TheManWithTwoNames’s version of Equestria, she literally just sits on her throne all day long doing absolutely nothing. Not even a hobby!
And then Twilight Sparkle travels all the way to Canterlot to deliver a friendship report in person only to turn around and go back to Ponyville within two minutes, as if the whole journey amounts to a daily stroll through a park.
Yeah. I was greatly concerned at this point. If this is the kind of thing we can expect throughout this story, how in Celestia’s name could I possibly expect to get anything even remotely considered “horror”?
But TheManWithTwoNames surprised me. Despite the blatantly unrealistic/ignorant elements littering so much of the story, by the second half things are getting real. Although the narrative perspective is inconsistent at best (one of its major flaws), the majority of the tale follows Celestia as she suffers from and gradually succumbs to Discord’s influences and Discord himself as he plots her downfall. There’s this curious literalism when it comes to Discord, particularly in regards to Celestia’s referring to him as a “Spirit of Chaos”, meaning that being trapped in stone doesn’t mean he can’t influence places or people that he has a close connection to. Much like common conceptions of ghosts, really.
Why he wasn’t able to do this in the thousands of years prior to his original escape is never given, but it’s still an interesting concept.
Anyway, while the specifics of how this Equestria works are ridiculous at best, the central premise is worked surprisingly well. Celestia is gradually driven deeper and deeper into madness and paranoia, until near the end when she is outright “discorded” as Discord did to the Mane Six in The Return of Harmony. Luna and the Main Six recognize what is going on and try to help, but all Celestia sees are threats to her rule. It’s a very convincing and, at times, even harrowing fall.
Then there’s this three-day dream Discord forces Celestia to undergo where she relives the death of her parents and Discord’s very first appearance in Equestria. I was miffed by this at first, but what it reveals about the connection between Celestia and Discord is, I dare say, an approach to his origins I’ve never seen before. That’s really saying something considering this was written in 2012.
I come away from the story with mixed feelings. It starts off really weak, owing entirely to TheManWithTwoNames’s approach to how Equestria works which is silly at best and stupid at worst. But come the second half the focus is entirely on Celestia’s mental slide into paranoia, corruption, and tyranny, and it was a vast improvement. I found certain elements of her fall genuinely harrowing. In terms of my investment, it was a surprising turn.
I should note that this is not a happy story with a happy ending. The “horror” tag is better earned than I was anticipating, and sadficionados will love that aspect of it. It was actually enough to make me wonder if there’s a sequel given Discord’s hinting that he’s not done (alas, there is not).
A curious story that has the most unexpected turnaround in quality that I’ve ever seen. The inconsistent perspective issue never gets resolved, but by the end of the story I went from significant fear that I was wasting my time to significant fear for Celestia’s future. At this point I’d be more than willing to explore this long-gone author’s small library of works. If you can suffer through the rather crummy opening chapters and have a thing for sadfics, it might be worth your while.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
I Don't Want to Be a Tree Anymore
1,263 Words
By Kris Overstreet
Requested by LH45
Alternate Title: The Happening Meets MLP
Discord overhears that Fluttershy would like to try being a tree for a change, and so he does her a favor and makes her one for a day, planting her neatly between the oak trees and the Everfree Forest. The oak trees are friendly and talkative and fun. The Everfree Forest, on the other hoof…
This is, essentially, a story about murderous trees, only without any of the actual murder. Fluttershy, now able to understand the language of the trees, overhears those of the Everfree and how they absolutely hate everything that isn’t them. They especially hate Fluttershy, who they believe is a spy and the first step in the ponies’ apparent plan to outright replace trees on the whole. It concludes with them uprooting themselves in order to march on Ponyville.
I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I don’t think Kris approached this one from the right direction. On the other, I’m not sure what ‘direction’ would be able to make this concept work. I mean, they’re trees. And for that matter, if they were capable of uprooting and attacking all along, why didn’t they do it ages ago to keep ponies out in general? Pretty sure if an entire forest started murdering anypony who walks under the canopy the rest of Equestria would decide to just nope out and leave it be. That or burn the whole forest down, which is probably where this is going.
I’m not exactly afraid of trees.
Come to think of it, I believe this would have benefited significantly from a less direct style. Make the forest’s approach uncertain, give Fluttershy doubt, lean on her natural anxieties. Make the whole thing a slow, grinding escalation towards the panicky realization that it’s not all in her head. This outright “the trees are angry and they’re moving!” manner comes in defiance of what trees are, and as such lends the whole story a sense of the silly.
To be fair, Kris did decently with the approach they chose to take. Had it been some other, less benign threat I might have gotten more into this. It’s bound to be genuinely creepy for some people; I doubt LH45 would have included this in their massive multi-story horror-centric request if they didn’t feel it warranted attention. But this is one of those stories where you have to go in with the right mindset – i.e. you have to want to be scared in the first place – for it to work, and I clearly didn’t go in with the right mindset.
Jump in if you feel like the concept can work for you.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Chrysalis Saves Hearth's Warming — WHYRTY?
Changeling Space Program — WHYRTY?
Rarity Dreams of Non-Electric Sheep — Pretty Good
Ouija
25,103 Words
By Knackerman
When Sweetie Belle brings a Ouija Board to the CMC clubhouse for some spooky shenanigans, nopony thinks anything of it. But then Apple Bloom tries talking to her parents…
Those who are into this sort of thing will know Knackerman as the author of that dreadfully popular Candy-Mare franchise. Such stories are custom made for “gore-aphiles”, i.e. readers who just like to see blood and guts and viscera for the sake of it. Which is not to say that there isn’t some “story” in those stories, they just tend to take a backseat to the real intent.
Yet Knackerman is capable of existing outside that franchise and that theme, as at least one of my past readings of their work has demonstrated. In Ouija, which itself appears to have been inspired by some fanart I am unfamiliar with (but intend to look into later), we find a horror story centered on Apple Bloom and her doubts about her parents. I dare say it is much more my speed.
The story starts off supernatural, with Apple Bloom encountering ghostly elements as she obsesses more and more over the Ouija Board and the thing answering her questions while claiming to be her parents. Eventually it evolves into hallucinations of a dark, dead world that felt more than a little lovecraftian in nature. By the end of the story we’ve got her, Twilight and Starlight exploring and trying to escape from a hideous world of death and monsters.
It is safe to say this is the best story by Knackerman I’ve yet to read. It still has scenes of gore and death, but unlike previous stories they are not the central, heavy focus of the piece. Rather, the story remains centered around Apple Bloom, her relationship with her family, and the nature of the world she’s unintentionally discovered. I find this to have been a vastly superior approach, giving readers actually seeking a plot within their scares something to chew on (if you’ll forgive the thematic pun). Even better, the background of this new world is legit interesting, taking well known elements of the show’s Equestria and twisting them around via the medium of alternate realities. It’s only a brief glimpse, but it was more than enough to meet my approval.
I only have three criticisms. The first is in the writing. Homophones, letters getting capitalized for no reason, quotation marks where no dialogue is being spoken, things of that nature. They largely disappeared by the latter half of the story, and in the first half they’re not enough to ruin things, but they are just present enough to warrant mention.
The second is a scene halfway through the story. Essentially, Twilight and Starlight have just come to realize the shit they’re in, and in the distance they can hear Apple Bloom screaming for help. What do they do in these circumstances? Apparently, the answer is “stand around for five minutes discussing the situation so that it’s clear to them”. Instead of, y’know, putting distance between themselves and the monster or trying to save the still-screaming Apple Bloom. Way to pull us out of the moment, author. I guess the fact that she’s still screaming bloody murder indicates she’s alive and safe, right?
The third is the twist in the last 100 or so words. This has always been a pet peeve of mine when it comes to horror. These twists frequently only exist for the purpose of having a twist at all, as opposed to benefitting the story in any way. You know the sort; Freddy bursting out a door window to snatch the unsuspecting mother, little Jason jumping out of the water, or whatever. In most cases it is spectacularly dumb.
Knackerman gets some credit for this twist in that it was foreshadowed – twice – but that doesn’t change the fact that it felt like a twist added on just for the sake of there being a twist. We had a generally solid horror story that came with great implications for Apple Bloom and her family, we were getting a nice conclusion that put a pleasant bow on it all, and then… this. Is it really too much to ask to let the whole thing end on a high note? This isn’t even about grim endings. I’ve reacted positively to plenty of those.
Still, I understand that Knackerman has a love for those campy sorts of horrors that do, in fact, have such dumb endings. I suppose if they were trying to pay homage to such things, I can understand that. It just really didn’t feel necessary here.
Three paragraphs? It’s official: I’m harping on it too much. As much as I have to say about that topic, I have to reiterate that this is the best I’ve seen by this author so far, and a solid horror story in general. It’s got more than just the scares, taking its time to get there and really letting the characters shine before dropping them in the deep end. If you have an interest in the genre and don’t mind at least some gore (but significantly toned down from what I’m used to with this author), then by all means give it a go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Broken: Love — Worth It
Home Sweet Home: A Candy-Mare Tale — Worth It
My Little Doubt — Worth It
Something Sweet to Bite Too — Worth It
Something Sweet to Bite — Needs Work
Poet and hobbyist linguist Calligraphy is called upon by an old friend to study an ancient text he discovered. After some examination and the help of a fellow researcher, they determine that the book is from a lost unicorn colony that lived somewhere in the mountains near Baltimare. So begins the excavation…
Either this was inspired by H.P. Lovecraft, or it’s just a general Weird tale. Flashgen clearly has a penchant for the latter.
Anyway, the vast majority of the story tells of the excavation led by Calligraphy and his friends in the mountains, first to seek out this village of unicorns and then on the hunt for a lost underground temple devoted to the titular god these unicorns apparently worshiped. Then shit hits the fan its over goodbye you can close the window now.
I get that this was going for a horror vibe, but the fact that the big event takes up maybe a tenth of the story does it no favors. It’s the equivalent of spending four hours making candy only for it to be eaten entirely in a single bite. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a little bit of foreshadowing to suggest that something is coming, but the end just didn’t feel worth the buildup. Flashgen could have greatly improved upon this, I think, by including the diary entries of all three lead ponies rather than just Calligraphy and thus shown the madness as it began to take its hold.
While hardly a new idea, those who like the genre will not mind one bit. I was genuinely interested in what was going on, enjoying the gradual pace of the story as it leads us closer and closer to the inevitable. I just wish said inevitable had been more. I’d recommend it to people who like Weird stories and maybe Lovecraftian tales, with caveats.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
No Foals — Pretty Good
Pray, Hope and Wander — Pretty Good
They're Never Coming Back — Pretty Good
A FLEet|ng LIght |n thE DArknEsS — Worth It
A Glimmer of Hope in the Black — Worth It
In Birdsong
1,122 Words
By themoontonite
Fluttershy is led into the forest by a terrified squirrel to find… something. Something horrible.
Well. That certainly qualifies as a Weird Tale.
You won’t understand what’s going on here. themoontonite makes no attempt at all to explain things. They instead chose to focus on creepy imagery and a surprise twist that would understandably leave a pony like poor Fluttershy traumatized for life.
If you’re looking for something shocking and a bit gorey, but also totally unexplained? This might work for you. The Need To Know crowd won’t get much out of it, though.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Ribbons — Pretty Good
737 — Pretty Good
Room
6,515 Words
By AstralMouse
Rarity wakes up one morning to find that things have changed in her home. Specifically, she can’t see the walls of her bedroom. At first she thinks it’s some sort of magical prank from the Tantabus or Discord. But as she explores the empty expanse of carpet for days on end, she begins to question… everything.
This story is set in two parts. The first is Rarity discovering her peculiar situation and trying to figure it out. This part is somewhat silly as Rarity resorts to all sorts of foalish things in an effort to keep distracted from the ever-looming isolation she faces before, finally, getting a semi-answer to what this is all about.
For the second part, things get a lot more serious.
This story is really more spoopy than spooky. AstralMouse had two options: take the easy way out and write in detail only one of Rarity’s easier adventures, or tighten their belt and write one of her later ones, which would have been far more harrowing. Which is better would depend upon whether you’re actually trying to write a legitimate horror.
AstralMouse chose the first option, and in so doing largely undercut any real effectiveness this story might have had. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’ll be appropriately creepy for those who want to dip their toe into the waters for a moment and claim they experienced a scary story. But the true horror aficionados will likely leave this with a shrug.
A big part of the problem for me is that the story focuses a lot more on Rarity’s efforts to distract herself over her moments of angst and defeat. AstralMouse certainty tells us those things are there, but that’s just it: they Tell us, in short, vague statements that take up maybe a sentence or two in a sea of silly distractions. You can’t just say “she broke down crying once or twice” and expect it to have any real impact.
An interesting concept, and one that could have worked wonderfully if AstralMouse had actually tried for the genuine existential and psychological crisis that such a situation lends itself to. They acknowledge that such a problem exists and Rarity did go through it, but don’t bother to Show us what that’s like, instead summarizing it at the end in a brief explanation. And the parts we do get refuse to linger on the actual “horror” aspect of the story.
If you’re looking for something light that will let you know bad things happened without really delving into those bad things or letting you witness them first hand, this may be the story for you. If you’re looking for a hard-hitting, emotional roller coaster… eh, not so much. Although I must note that I really like the implications of the ending.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Derpy's Hoofington Route — Pretty Good
Background Pony
432,377 Words
By shortskirtsandexplosions
Lyra Heartstrings was in town to visit her childhood friend, Twilight Sparkle, and attend the Summer Sun Celebration with her. Then she ran into Nightmare Moon. Then her world turned cold. Then everypony started to forget.
I was feeling nostalgic and wanted to re-read something. Background Pony seemed like an excellent choice. It was also one of the first stories I ever reviewed, and I wanted to see if my impressions would be different now, eight years later. Now that I’ve re-read it, I must say yes, absolutely, my reaction is different: I find it much better than I originally did.
For those of you new to the fandom (or perhaps living under a rock), Background Pony stars Lyra Heartstrings, who is cursed by Nightmare Moon with nonexistence. Oh, she exists, but only fleetingly. If she speaks or otherwise come to the attention of another pony, they will forget all about the encounter the moment they step away. Anything she writes cannot be read. Any action she performs is attributed to something else. And she cannot leave Ponyville, for the further she goes from the origin of her curse the colder she feels, such that merely being at Sweet Apple Acres leaves her freezing. This is the story of her attempts to exist, her struggle to understand her curse, and what it takes to put an end to it.
It is, without a doubt, SS&E’s masterpiece.
It is also an indisputable sadfic. Yes, there are happy moments. Moments of cheer and humor and pleasure. Yet this is also a story that hits regularly, hits hard, and makes you think while doing so. What Lyra is going through is torturous, and things only get worse as the end gradually approaches. It’s presence in my Halloween blog isn’t a coincidence.
The story is heavily character-driven. Lyra is a philosophical pony and can’t help but wax poetic at times about her situation. In a sense, this might be the story’s biggest problem, as sometimes Lyra rambles on a little too long about some point or other. It doesn’t help that this is meant to be taken as Lyra’s personal journal, but it takes a lot of liberties with that style. You’re expected to believe that Lyra can remember entire lengthy conversations verbatim, just for example. If this were any other story I might have also taken issue with how long these journal entries are, but then again, when you don’t exist what else do you do with your time? The journal style is something the reader will just have to roll with, although it does earn dividends in that final heart-wrenching chapter.
Lyra isn’t the only character we’re dealing with, and her interactions with other characters who can’t remember her make up the soul of the story. Her best friend Twilight Sparkle, who can’t remember that they ever knew one another but is so kind and caring that she helps Lyra anyway despite a hundred “first encounters”. The old stallion suffering from dementia, who helped found Ponyville but is now largely forgotten. Scootaloo, has in Lyra a savior she’ll never know existed. The kind stallion who offers Lyra a flower and calls her angel every time he notices her. Snips, who finds courage from kind words and music that stems from a pony he never knew. The musician ponies, who all have some personal experience with an ancient curse. Each chapter serves its own theme and purpose, and many of them introduce a character as the centerpoint of that theme.
And then there is, of course, the unsung.
The story is also a grand mystery, at times ominous and always present. The mystery never lets up, is continuously reminding you of its existence, and makes you constantly question what you think you know. Everypony forgets that Lyra exists, but nopony said that Lyra herself wasn’t forgetting things. There comes one scene where it is revealed that, yes, there are characters out there that share Lyra’s affliction, and they’ve been hinted at all along. I totally missed those hints in my first read-through, but this time when that statement was made I had the clarity of thought and recollection to realize what the unsung was talking about. It floored me about as much as it did Lyra.
And that’s the thing that I most love about this story: it’s all interconnected. I strongly suspect that this story was intricately planned out from start to finish.
I should also note that this story doesn’t suffer from the writing pains that many of SS&E’s other stories do. In terms of things like grammar and whatnot, it is nearly flawless. Not perfect – I don’t think perfection is even possible with the written word, and especially with something this big – but a significant step up. No doubt that comes from having so many others help with the development of the story.
I could go on and on about this story, but really, you should experience it for yourself. It’s a classic for a reason, and at this point I have to say it’s one of the best stories on FIMFiction. If you’ve always wondered where Hoodie Lyra comes from, this is your answer. I will note, however, that some people have called the story “too dark to handle”, and I can see where they are coming from. This really is a sadfic, and those with weaker emotional faculties might be scared off. A shame, because they’re missing out on a true gem of the fandom, but folks of that sort can only help themselves.
If you think you can take Lyra’s journey, then you absolutely should. I’m glad I came back to it after all these years. Now I just need to get a physical copy… lest I forget.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Scale — WHYRTY?
Because Ponies Are the Size of Cats and They Love to Cuddle — Pretty Good
Everypony Cuddles, Sometimes — Pretty Good
We Live in a Kind World — Pretty Good
"Bring Trixie the Blue Pages!" — Pretty Good
Bonus Review
Six Coins
241 Pages
By Ashley Johnson (AKA OfTheIronwilled)
The world was created by the conjoined twin gods, Truare and Raeal. But then the gods began to bicker. Their animosity grew so great that, in a moment of rage, they tore themselves apart and became separate beings. Their fight continued for ages until, at last, they came to an agreement. Six coins were cast out to the world to be wielded by mortals. What they did with those coins would decide the gods’ feud once and for all.
This is a curious book, with a curious manner in its direction. Events are told out of chronological order, but you aren’t told that until you’re more than halfway through the events. The story mostly follows two characters: Aiden, a deformed mage recovering from extreme traumas and facing dangerous levels of post-traumatic stress, and Ash, a young woman with unparalleled powers of healing. They each go on their own adventures, one taking a job to rid a certain region of what we’ll grossly simplify as “ghosts” for the sake of avoiding an overlong explanation and the other on a quest to stop the people who destroyed her hometown.
The strangest part about all of this is the world it takes place in. It’s… nebulous. The world is never given a name. We are offered no indication of things like nations and governments and authority figures. The characters just move from place to place. Towns get names, and we know the rival religions of Truare and Raeal exist, but other than that? Complete snow job.
There are hints that there are larger authorities out there. There are places that might be deemed ‘cities’, although it’s hard to say with populations and scale kept vague. But there is a fully functional rail network, so at the very least there must be something keeping it running on time and effectively. Speaking of rail, technology is also unclear, as most places are depicted having a distinct rural, antiquated culture but there are things like giant mechanical snakes and war machines. So… steampunk, perhaps?
Point is, if you’re looking to see a well-defined, clear world, you’re going to be out of luck. Is this a bad thing? I’m honestly not sure. Once I learned to accept that nothing concrete was coming in this regard, it stopped bothering me. I couldn’t say that will be the case for most other readers though.
So what of the actual story? It’s both complicated and not. “Not” because the direct actions are clear. We know why Ash and Aiden are doing the things they are doing. We won’t get that same level of attention for the other characters, some of whom have no clear motivations at all. Ashley clearly prefers to give us little hints and let us stew over the implications on our own rather than guide us through it all by the hand. This, again, is not something I have a problem with, but it will likely rub the Need-to-Know crowd the wrong way.
The ultimate goal, at least, is clear: the six coins will be either white or black depending on whether their owner sides with Raeal or Truare, which is to say: creation or destruction. If a coin bearer dies, their respective coin will go to a new bearer. When all six coins are white or black, they can be used to open a mystical door and, in turn, allow the appropriate god to claim total control of the world. The story really comes down to two coin-bearing “villains” (I’m using the term loosely), one for each side, who are determined to turn all six coins to their preferred color no matter the cost. Ash and Aiden are simply caught in the crossfire.
There are a few other oddities to point out. The passage of time is every bit as vague as the world the story is set in. You never know if the next scene is set weeks or months later. One scene our characters are camping in the woods, the next they’ve reached what seems to be a magic-tainted desert, the next they’re at some town. The time required to get from one place to another simply never comes up, as if it’s unimportant. Combined with the vague setting, it leads to a strange sense that the entire story is set in some sort of dream.
Then there’s the wild exaggerations. Regularly, Ashley describes movements and actions in extremes. Heads turning so fast necks snap, arms swung so quickly the skin rips, spinning around so fast their bones snap, and so on. It’s all over the top and not a little ridiculous. It views every character in the story with a superhuman lens, wantonly granting and healing injuries caused by basic movements with disturbing regularity. I’m not sure what the author was going for here. Are they exaggerations as they seem, or are these people genuinely moving so fast their physical bodies can’t take the strain? If it’s the first one, it doesn’t really work for me, coming off as more dumb than impactful.
If it’s the second… why? Are we just going to assume that everyone in this story has some sort of Wolverine-level healing factor? Because we’ve already got one character established with this and it’s supposed to be what makes her special in the first place. But it’s got to be that second, because characters regularly take blows that would and should have killed them – heads bashed against trees at high speed and beams of power piercing chest cavities through-and-through complete with internal organs falling out, just for example – and yet after a few wild moments of agony and desperation they’re back on their feet, staggering but alive and destined for a full recovery.
It’s another vagary. At no point can you trust the descriptions when it comes to injuries, because if you could certain characters wouldn’t have survived to the end as they did.
I guess that’s the one word that best describes this entire story: vague. Nothing is concrete, and you’re just going to have to accept that if you want to get through it.
Well, not everything. There’s a definite path being walked, even if it is full of tangents and uncertainties. We know what the goal is, we know who the players are, and the ending and its implications are clear. The story can be followed. It’s just what is happening around the story that is as transparent as fogged glass.
I come away from this with mixed feelings. It’s certainly a different approach to long-form writing. Were all of Ashley’s horsewords like this? Maybe. The benefit of writing a story set in FiM is that the world already exists, so no work was needed with the setting. Now they’re trying original fiction, but instead of creating their own world they largely just wrote events and didn’t bother trying to make the world at all. Or at least that’s how it feels. Is it a good approach? I’m not sure.
I guess it’ll depend on what kind of reader you are. Are you willing to roll with it and focus on the characters, or do you want a fleshed out setting? On the plus side, the character work is damn good, so if that’s what you’re looking for then you won’t be disappointed.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Stories for Next Time:
Antipodes by PK
Aria Blaze, Mother of Rainbow Dash by im a nopony
Applejack Anonymous by Clavier
Candy Mane's Nearly-Romantic Hearts and Hooves Day Dramedy by Trick Question
Forget-Me-Not by Goldfinch142
A Rainbow in Autumn by Serketry
The Carrot Dog Fight by xjuggernaughtx
Never My Love by Twi-Fi
Reverse Engineering by Bookish Delight
Liar, Liar, Apples on Fire by Monochromatic
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Ah, the Saga of the Swell Hoodie. Ironically one to remember there.
Guess nothing beats the old guard
It's never said, but I believe the trees in I Don't Want to be a Tree Anymore are supposed to be huorns from Lord of the Rings. Oh it's not a perfect match obviously. But anyone who knows the trilogy will recognize them.
Ooh, The Carrot Dog Fight next week! One that I don't think I've seen anyone even mention for years, but that didn't at all go the way I expected. That's not a criticism.
Ah, Background Pony, the only fic on this site in my favorites with a dislike on it.
I think the score is accurate for what it is. It's really good at what it does, which is Realism, specifically the Early Realism in American vein of works like Maggie, Girl of the Streets. I think Background Pony captures the feeling excellently with precision.
And I detest that precise, nihilistic feeling.
I don't want to get into spoilers since I do think people that enjoy this sort of writing, can stomach it, or aren't suicidal should read it. My experience with it was horrible. I read the entirety of BG Pony over the course of a day, unable to put it down. Unable to look away like a 24 hour train crash where I could see how every person died as they passed by. A truly awful feeling that left me hollow because it picked at some of my greatest fears that honestly might even be phobias for me. I couldn’t sleep afterwards either, so I was awake for about 48 hours straight. Good stuff.
Being serious here. This is one of the most banal starting stories with peak horrifying implications that feels grounded at the same time.
The feeling of a stage 4 cancer diagnosis when you went for a routine check up.
A camera catching you walking down a street that leads to you being accused for a felony you didn't commit.
A tsunami coming at you with no warning while you're on a commuter train.
Other folks get a glimmer of hope by the end of it. For me? I can never read this book again as it makes me sick just thinking about it.
Genuinely phenomenal job, Shortskirtsandexplosions. This story is one of the few that transcends the confines of this site and is honestly a work that deserves to be placed in a bookshelf alongside its fellow realism and naturalism works. I hate how I can never unread it.
Ugh, I also recently read a story where literally every paragraph was 3-5 sentences jammed together with commas into a single run-on.
I read and liked "Pneuma," but I also felt like it was too vague to have that much impact. Flashgen's a good horror writer, so it's not without merit, but it's not one of his better ones.
That original fiction one sounds a lot like RWBY. A whole lot. Aside from the setting, where RWBY does have defined nations (but that can be haphazardly governed, leaving things feeling chaotic at times), every other detail you mentioned had me thinking, "Huh, Rooster Teeth had the same thing" to uncanny levels. Maybe a Twilight -> 50 Shades of Gray thing?
Goes without saying, but I am 120% onboard with strict adherence to publishing on the day in the title of the series of Ponyfic review blogs.
If we cannot maintain that, all is lost.
[Though the fact that Christmas falls on a Monday this year has tempted me, before I remembered I took that week off for the holidays last year anyway. A tradition that shall continue!]
…Well, that certainly is a contrast to the last review I read of Background Pony (that being Present Perfect’s), which convinced me I should never read the fic. I was already unlikely to anyway, off the length, starring a… well, it’s in the title, and the genre of the sad fic being not one I like to read in indulgence (I’ll take any well-written short form, mind).
Then you come along a do a total 180 to that. It’s not nearly enough to convince me to read it, not with the above reasons still standing, but damn, bud, you really make it seem like it holds up fantastically for a fandom classic that old (and that read – the 10th most read story on the site!). Rego’s description of a fic so brilliant in how it portrays such depressing and terrible feeling and situations as to be sickening certainly is… a thing too (the Grave of the Fireflies situation, but but for nearly five hundred thousand words).
Still, knowing it takes the concept of being a background pony literally and what that would mean for an actual character with feelings, and riding that out to super realistic and depressing ends is, if nothing else, damn impressive. Maybe sometime I should read just the first chapter (according to Present Perfect, great in isolation if you stop there). Food for thought.
Otherwise, yeah, this week didn’t hit well, did it? I’ve learned myself that themed weeks forcing your hand can lead to that a bit. Hence I don’t force them anymore, but let them develop naturally, so I still largely read quality fics. I certainly don’t have a Halloween-themed week lined up for the 30th! There’ll be one fic that fits, but that’s it.
I just can not bring myself to read Background Pony.
I'm not happy with how my story turned out, but the core of the concept is the horror of being helpless. The trees can move, but Fluttershy can't- that's the horror. But, since I really don't enjoy horror, I didn't carry it off well.
aw, I loved In Birdsong :C Of course, I hated Background Pony, so touché?
also you just reminded me that I meant to post today @_@ heck
It is called ending on a down note and, yes, when it comes to horror I live for that. I take the view that a horror story that has a happy ending isn't really a horror story at all - It's just a story.
Although you are right that it is mainly done in homage, I do try to avoid doing a twist merely for the sake of doing a twist.
Thanks for the review, glad you had a better time this go round.
In case you're not already aware, you've got 2 options: the first is from Ministry of Image, which has illustrations and various fonts in place of the coloured text.
The second: Avonder is currently during a fast track reprint of his version of BP, with orders open until the 30th. It's a lot fancier (with silver foil and other bells and whistles) and is a lot more dedicated to reading and looking like an actual journal. As a result: no illustrations. He's quite a purist about that. Also, this version is the one with actual printed coloured fonts.
It's also a lot more expensive at a cool $303. But hey, free shipping.
Also: if I had a nickel for every time Paul gave a lackluster rating to an old story about Fluttershy walking on a path to the Everfree at night (with 'path' in the name) during the month of October I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it's happened twice.
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I've always had the impression that Background Pony is one of those "no middle ground" kinds of stories: you either love it or you hate it, and there is no nuance between the two.
5751398
Because my mother insists that I send her a Christmas List every year for her to waste money on me over, I've actually added the Ministry of Image version to said list. I'm not about to ask for the $300+ one. That said, if I don't get it then I wouldn't be opposed to spending my own money to get one of those nonsensically expensive ones as a collector's item.
5751352
I have to disagree. I believe a horror story can have a happy ending so long as there is a sense of consequence to the events that transpired.
I have to admit that, thanks to the foreshadowing, your twist ending was better than the sort I usually see.
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Just dipping your toe in to test the waters, then? I can get behind that.
5751412 More that the prompt given for the contest it was written for triggered that response in my brain- basically, a monkey-paw twist on the wish.
5751411
I'm with you on this. Whether or not a story has a happy ending has no bearing on whether it's horror. It's what happens during the story that determines that.
5751410
Just be aware of the October 30th time limit
The main reason it's so expensive is that it specifically is the fast track version - i.e. only about ten people came forward and saying that they'd be willing to pay a higher price so that he doesn't have to print as many, as opposed to waiting til a hundred people get put on the list for a regular reprint. And it took a few years to even get those ten people, so. Not that I'm trying to put pressure on you.
Also, forgot to mention, as far as I understand Avonder's version also comes with a CD themed around Lyra's songs.
Oh, thank you for the review! Yeah, I don't know if I would know how to write a longer story, but I kind of wish I could have done something bigger, but I also try to stick to shorter stories. I dunno. I appreciate the feedback, and I can't disagree with any of it.
8 years ago, I first attempted to read the Background Pony. And I made the mistake of trying to jump to the last chapter to see the ending. Then I was too shaken to continue this story.
Throughout the years I have made several attempt to read it, but with limited success. I may or may not have finished every chapter of this story, not sure about that. Sometimes reading a chapter will push me to read the second, sometimes it would simply drive me to tears and made me stay away from this work for a long time.
Real classic. The one and the only. Only that I'm not as brave as Lyra, not brave enough to read her story.