Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXVII · 11:28pm Jul 27th, 2023
You know what I’ve been these last few weeks? Hungry.
Dieting sucks. It’s all about never being satisfied with what you eat, and seeing how long you can go on like that. Being the small guy I am, I also have to eat a lot less than your average Joe in order to get my daily needs, which makes it even worse. Supposedly the average guy needs to eat around 2,000 calories worth of food a day to maintain their body weight. After the last couple months of dieting and weight-watching, I’ve come to the conclusion that I only need about 1,500.
It is very easy to eat 1,500 calories by lunchtime. Hell, I hardly go out to eat anymore because a single meal at your average restaurant will eliminate most of that or go over it.
On the plus side, I finally fell below 170 lbs. That was some sort of barrier for me, my weight refusing to fall below it for nearly a month. It’s something of a miracle, considering I visited my parents last weekend and somehow didn’t gain two-to-five pounds as is traditional, even after them taking me out to eat and making me some homemade, charcoal-cooked pizza. I’m inordinately proud of the self-control I showed that weekend.
Now I just have to lose another 20 lbs to hit what the doctors tell me is my ‘ideal’ weight. Yaaaaay…
Guess I’ll just have to get used to waking up hungry and being unsatisfied with my meals for a while. Or I could lose the willpower and break my diet, which we all know is more likely. Oh, for the days when I was a teenager and could stuff down two third-pounders, some fries and a soda and not gain an ounce.
Alright, truth is I had nothing to talk about today and this was on the mind. Let’s move on to the reviews, shall we?
PS - A big thanks goes to Shrink Laureate for resolving issues with the server he generously let me use years ago so that I can keep the images in this blog looking good.
PSS - It only just dawned upon me that I've got three different 'Immortality Sucks' stories in this blog. That trope is frustratingly popular...
Stories for This Week:
Stormy Seas by Rahheemme
The Equestria Chronicles: Prelude by Slippin_Sweetie
Bug in a Blizzard by Paracompact
Immortality by IGIBAB
The Best and The Worst by Firesight
The Looking Glass by wonderkid125
The World Beyond Her Dreams by Foals Errand
What's the Point? by Violetta Strings
Love Flies Innuendo by Baal Bunny
Seabras by Vanilla Mocha
Total Word Count: 192,874
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 6
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 3
None: 0
Stormy Seas
10,349 Words
By Rahheemme
Alternative Title: Ponyville Doesn’t Hold Grudges
Fizzlepop Berrytwist is very pregnant, and so has temporarily settled in Ponyville. The time is coming soon, and she’s not sure if she’s ready. But one day the cravings drive her from her apartment to Sugarcube Corner, where she meets one Cup Cake. Fizzle never knew how badly she needed to talk to somepony until now.
This was sweet on multiple levels. Here we have a no-longer villainous Tempest Shadow whose biggest concerns all center around her coming foal. She’s woefully unprepared, has no idea who the father is, and fully expects to have to go through the entire ordeal of motherhood alone. But then there’s Mrs. Cake, wise and experienced mother of twins (and Pinkie Pie wrangler). Mrs. Cake recognizes that Fizzle is in desperate need of companionship, comfort, and a friendly face, and proves both willing and able to deliver it all with a tray of fresh-baked turtles and some hot cocoa.
I really enjoyed this interpretation of Tempest, a former villain who until recently still led an adventurous lifestyle and now is facing a particularly large consequence of said lifestyle. Taking in both the positives and negatives of inevitable motherhood, the story is a sweet showcase. Fizzle breaking out of her shell, Mrs. Cake being Best Pony for a day, the Cake Twins demonstrating that delightful lack of guile possessed by all little kids, and even a Pinkie cameo to set the timing of events.
I have no complaints. I enjoyed every moment, from Fizzle’s struggle to get out of bed to her awed discovery of caramel turtles to her breakdown in front of Mrs. Cake. It’s a story both emotional and meaningful, and I highly recommend it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Equestria Chronicles: Prelude
15,735 Words
By Slippin_Sweetie
The Cutie Map has gone a little berserk, showing friendship problems across the whole of Equestria and beyond all at once. The Mane 6 are going to have to go on a long journey to deal with all these problems. But first they need to decide who will look after Ponyville while they’re gone and deal with a certain angry unicorn out for revenge.
Slippin_Sweetie requested I review one of this story’s sequels, but A) it’s a longfic I won’t get to for several months and B) I prefer to read a series from the start if possible. So I went ahead and threw this in my RiL, despite the author’s warnings that it is, quote, “really not my best work.” Points for honesty, because I can see what they meant.
Problems abound with this one. The writing style is grammatically bad from start to finish, with a nonstop gambit of both run-on and incomplete sentences, incorrect capitalization, homophones galore, poor punctuation, and tense misalignments. I really hope that Slippin_Sweetie fixed this for the story they requested, but it alone is enough to disqualify the story from getting anything higher than a “Worth It” rating, and that assumes the actual content of the story is enough to make up for it.
Which, in this case, it is not. The plot largely centers around Starlight Glimmer making really dumb decisions regarding her “revenge” that don’t make any sense in the grand scheme of things. For example, she goes into Ponyville hoping to glean a little something to help her revenge scheme against Twilight, only to bump into the CMC. Having no idea whatsoever who these three fillies are, she then… uh… gives them equalization cutie marks that render them emotionally numb? What? If you’re trying to avoid being detected, why are you doing the one thing that makes it obvious you’re in town? Then there’s the time she defeats Twilight, rendering her unconscious in direct one-on-one combat… only… to… walk away and let her live? Literally the only thing Starlight wants, and she randomly decides not to do it, despite a later chapter making it abundantly clear she still wants to kill Twilight. Oh, and there’s that one time she gets on Twilight’s train before it departs the station and chucks the attendant trying to stop her away without making any attempt to silence him, so what’s going to stop him from alerting the Mane 6 that she’s on the train before they even board?
Starlight’s not the only downside to this story. For starters, what is with the Mane 6’s obsession with leaving somepony to “lead and protect Ponyville”? The town survived most of Granny Smith’s life before Twilight showed up, and one can argue that the only reason so much crap goes down in town now is because of the Mane 6 being there in the first place. Where did this idea come along that the town is doomed without them?
Why is Twilight acting so terrified of the Everfree Forest, which she has gone through time and time and time again throughout the show without a hint of being afraid of the act, especially now that they have a direct path to Zecora’s? Speaking of Zecora, way to interrupt the mare’s lunch, Twi. Couldn’t even let her eat first before dragging her along on some dangerous adventure.
Starlight and Twilight are having an epic battle in Twilight’s castle! And Twilight rips chunks of crystal from the walls in the fight to give her an edge. Then Starlight decides to do the same thing, but somehow it’s only Starlight who is threatening to bring the castle down with this tactic?
Finally, I’m not sure how anything in this story really matters. There’s no lessons learned, no villains are vanquished, Starlight's antics felt largely pointless with cartoonishly over the top and one-dimensional villainy, and the whole CMC thing was a tangent at best. I’m really not sure why this exists, as it doesn’t really form a story unto itself. If you kept only the important bits – The Cutie Map issue, Discord being designated “protector” of Ponyville, and Starlight’s plans to follow the Mane 6’s journey – then you have the introductory chapters of a book at best. Adding the extraneous bits does not upgrade it to a story unto itself. So why not just… tack it on to the actual story?
Then there’s this:
Starlight fired a beam of magic from her horn before being met with Twilight’s own burst of magic. As beams of purple and green collided and crashed into one another, creating a dazzling display of light and magic.
The mare’s grunted and forced all of their energy into each other’s spells before finally collapsing into the muddy ground beneath them.
You’re reading that correctly. The first real encounter and battle between Starlight and Twilight and all of it gets reduced to a mere 60 words. That’s it, the fight’s over. Not the most dramatic or interesting way to handle what is supposed to be a gripping scene of emotional conflict, author.
It’s not all bad. With the exception of Starlight, the characterization of most of the players is pretty good. While I still fault Slippin_Sweetie for making Starlight such an uninteresting villain, they at least get the benefit of Starlight’s post-redemption personality not having been defined in canon yet. The dialogue is decent and even gets better towards the second half of the story. Really, one of my favorite parts of storytelling – general character behavior and relationships – is handled well. I mean, yes, there’s some nonsensical stuff happening, but those are less due to the Mane 6’s actions than they are Slippin_Sweetie’s poor plot direction. The characters can only react to what’s been given to them, after all.
This story isn’t going to be rated well, but it hasn’t turned me off to Slippin_Sweetie’s request by any means. The characters of the Mane 6 – and their potential for growth – remain strong, with competent interactions much of the time. If Slippin_Sweetie was able to maintain that while fixing the glaring plot issues, then there’s definitely still hope. And considering they’ve already acknowledged this story isn’t very good and that they got help for the sequel, I’m more than willing to give it a chance. At the very least, I now know what came before and have a proper gauge by which to judge the author’s progress.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Bug in a Blizzard
86,110 Words
By Paracompact
Hard-boiled detective Pesco and his bright-eyed assistant Bluebird were supposed to be on vacation in the Crystal Empire, but then they get contacted by the Royal Guard about an emergency assignment. At an isolated mansion in the nearby mountains are a bunch of high school kids enjoying a winter vacation, and one of them just reported a changeling in their midst. Now it’s up to Pesco and Bluebird to sift through the evidence and the witness statements to find out who among these six friends is lying about their identity.
We’ve all heard the whole ‘one person is not who they claim’ routine before. In that aspect, this is exactly what you’re expecting: an ever-worsening pattern of lies, inaccurate statements, and mistakes gradually wearing down the trust of six old friends until they are all prepared to accuse one another of being the bad guy. Fortunately, Paracompact has all the literary skill necessary to make this work.
We’ve got the self-styled dumb jock, the griffon diplomat/princess with a heart of iron, her cousin with the timidity of Fluttershy, the reindeer noble who makes up for his lack of self-confidence with bombast, his twin sister the cynical writer, and the standoffish but genius zebra. Each character adds some great depth and complexity to the story’s dynamic and all are quite interesting in themselves. Then there is, of course, Bluebird the optimist who is always hoping for a happy ending. And how can we forget the arguable main character Pesco Margherita, the unfortunate soul who works as a detective, was named out of his parents’ hope he’d take up the family pizza business, and has a cutie mark in baseball.
Honestly, if there’s any one thing I truly regret, it’s that Paracompact didn’t find a way to incorporate all three of those elements into Pesco’s activities. It would have been great to have seen him, say, provide an in-depth critique of the pizza he was served and/or stop a fleeing culprit with a perfectly executed pitch of whatever happened to be lying nearby. Oh well, lost opportunity.
The characters are all individually great and really help to keep the mystery running with their secrets, personal problems and trust issues. When the story started I struggled to keep up with things, but by the fourth chapter or so I had every character nicely ingrained in my skull. It’s really quite well done, even if I feel that Paracompact may have jumped off the deep end given all the new faces the reader is expected to remember upfront.
There’s also the question of the flashback. At one point about a third through the story we suddenly see things from the changeling’s perspective. I find this decision… questionable. It gave away some aspects of the game that I’m not sure needed to be given away. It did help show the bigger picture and was certainly an aid towards the end of the story when the consequences of the flashbacks hit home, but I can’t help but wonder if there wasn’t a better way to do it. A huge part of the starting mystery was in questioning the changeling’s motivations, and then these flashbacks come along and nixes that aspect entirely.
Still, I had a lot of fun with this one. I was frequently seeing new things and questioning prior assumptions and conclusions. There was only one point that I would call a dead giveaway – which was unquestionably intentional on the author’s part – but as the next few twists in the case came up even that started to lose traction, mostly because of how many different things were happening that also needed to be considered. It’s a nicely crafted mystery, not at all ruined by how the last quarter of the story sort of winds down to what has, at that point, become a foregone conclusion.
Although I will note that, with so many things going on at once, I can’t say for certain that there weren’t any holes in the events. I’m still questioning if one character lied about a certain topic and can’t shake the feeling said lie was never fully addressed (although it may be moot in the end anyway considering the results).
In the end, this proved better than I expected, and I’d been feeling pretty positive about it at the start. If you want a strong mystery with lots of twists and turns and an interesting menagerie of potential suspects, this will do it for you.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Immortality
19,366 Words
By IGIBAB
Requested by GBThundaII
Immortality sucks. Of course, you already knew that, because there are countless stories across all mediums that repeat it ad infinitum. Apparently, IGIBAB couldn’t resist the call for this ancient trope.
The first thing we have to address is that English is not IGIBAB’s first language and all their stories are translated from French. Is it a good translation? Honestly, no. The mistakes are abundant, from incorrect words to tense issues to grammar. But there is a bit of good news: while the translation is by no means good, it’s good enough that you can generally understand IGIBAB’s intentions with little to no difficulty.
The story is told in two parts. The first, which consists of six chapters, tells us how each of Twilight’s friends died one at a time. If you’ve read any story, immorality-focused or otherwise, in which one of the Mane 6 dies and the rest mourn, then you’ve read these chapters before. That being said, even with the poor translation I felt as though IGIBAB has the right ideas here. There’s a distinct sense of atmosphere and lingering emotional energy with every death, and the fact that it shines through in spite of the author’s struggles really says something.
Unrelated: Why is it that almost every story I read regarding the Mane 6 dying has Rarity the last to go, and always only after she undergoes dementia or Alzheimers? This seems like a trope in and of itself, but it’s an odd thing for a trope, isn’t it?
The first half concludes with a short look at the future, and if I’m reading things correctly then IGIBAB intended this to be the end of the story. It was extremely confusing, with such things being thrown around as the moon being cracked, the princesses other than Twilight being dead, Spike being considered a traitor to Equestria, and Ponyville turned into a metropolis. IGIBAB makes no attempt to make sense of any of it, rather preferring to let us stew in the mystery.
The last chapter is set in the vastly distant future, to the tune of some 100,000 years, and depicts Twilight Sparkle as the last living thing in the world, wandering aimlessly and going insane from isolation and guilt as she relives in her mind the events that the previous chapter alluded to. Needless to say, it’s not a pretty picture, and the final scene is a definite downer.
As it is, this is a decent sadfic. It has everything sadficionados long for: effective emotional scenes, a steadily growing sense of defeat and loss, perhaps a hint of horror, and a conclusion that suggests things might not get better. Yeah, I know, a lot of people out there are scratching their heads and wondering how any of that can be considered a positive. Us sadfic lovers are a strange bunch.
Really, the only major downsides are the translation and the overused trope. If IGIBAB could get a native English speaker to polish their translations, stories like this could be solid gold. As is, I suggest you give it a go, provided you’re okay with sadfics and are patient with the language.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Best and The Worst
15,681 Words
By Firesight
Requested by Firesight
Twilight Sparkle has been granted a chance to briefly visit and study the human world during one of Celestia’s regular visits. Not the Equestria Girls world, but the real Earth, which Equestria has been monitoring for the past five-hundred years through a tiny proxy nation presumably created just for that purpose. All is going well until her mentor appears one morning telling Twilight that they are going to visit a special place so that Twilight can learn an equally special lesson.
To be brief: Celestia brings Twilight to the Chernobyl ruins so that she can learn what happened there and why. The story is inspired by, but not based upon, the miniseries Chernobyl. I can’t say I blame Firesight for this, as the show is excellent in every way it could be (I’ve seen it twice).
Most of the story involves Celestia leading Twilight around the local area and letting her form her own conclusions. I rather like this approach, if only because it would be a more effective teaching method for Twilight herself than just telling her the whole story. Eventually Celestia does tell that story, but only after Twilight comes to her own horrified conclusions.
Throughout the buildup chapters, Firesight adds several real-world photographs of the sites they are visiting. Given the genuine historical nature of what they are discussing I wasn’t bothered much by it. In fact, the historical nature of the situation makes the pictures work, in that the images are directly equivalent to what is going on. I had to debate myself for a while to find peace with this conclusion, given my regular opposition to such things.
I did find the manner of the dialogue a little awkward. Celestia and Twilight are walking through the ruins of Pripyat. Twilight’s studying her surroundings and trying to form conclusions. Somehow, it sounds like we’re supposed to believe Twilight is thinking entirely in a vacuum, and only announcing her conclusions after Celestia asks. It’s hard to explain, but it felt awkward to me. I mean, Twilight is under orders to stay close, and Celestia is following her around like a mother swan protecting her chick. The implied lack of conversation just feels… awkward.
I also had to raise a skeptical eyebrow when Twilight breaks down in tears long before Celestia’s explanation can even come close to the consequences. I’ll grant that I’m kind of desensitized in a lot of ways, but it seemed a lot too early for that. I mean, once Celestia got to the statistics, okay, I get it (in a remote sense), and I certainly understand Twilight’s venting about the sheer nonsense that was the cause. But at the time she started crying it felt less realistic and more like Firesight trying to artificially instill an extra jolt of emotion into the readers.
Let us not forget that this entire story probably only exists as a means of venting Firesight’s own emotional reaction to the miniseries. That’s not a criticism, just an observation. I also suspect Firesight was trying to use Twilight and Celestia to voice those emotions, and may have unintentionally let that get in the way, at least in regards to what I consider to be a premature breakdown on Twilight’s part.
Again, I don’t blame Firesight for this, assuming I’m even correct. I merely felt that it merited bringing up as a point of plot quality. And honestly, I figure most people won’t notice, won’t care, or are emotionally unstable enough that they might react in exactly the same way Twilight did. Some people are just like that, and I can’t overrule the possibility that Twilight is one of them, hard as I find that to believe.
All that being said, this is still a strong overarching story. It will be especially impactful for anyone who has actually seen Chernobyl or who have personally studied the disaster. I’m not sure how effective it will be for those who haven’t. Celestia’s explanation of the technicalities is both specific in terms of what people did and vague (or perhaps ‘simplified’ is the better term) regarding the technological details. I can see some readers staring blankly at the screen as they try to process the info dump that is the next-to-last chapter, but other than that the story works.
I don’t know how large an audience this will reach, but if you know anything about Chernobyl and/or want to know more, this will probably work well for you. It’s one of those stories where I can’t decide on which rating it deserves. If I give it a good rating, is it only because of my bias for the inspiration? If I give it a middle-ground rating, am I overcompensating for that and not giving its strengths enough credit? I think I’ll go for the former, and you can all judge me after the fact.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Before the Storm: The Rise of Firefly — WHYRTY?
Five Star Service - A Gentleman for Mares Tale — WHYRTY?
Into the Storm: The Flight of Firefly — WHYRTY?
The Looking Glass
10,218 Words
By wonderkid125
Requested by wonderkid125
Alternative Title: Space is Big
The heat death of the universe came, and yet Twilight Sparkle is still here. Somehow she managed to make a spaceship every bit as immortal as she is, and together they traverse the endless less-than-nothing that is a dead universe. Her goal? Find the afterlife.
Getting the white alicorn in the room out of the way, yes, this is technically an immortality sucks story. Fortunately, wonderkid125’s tale is not hampered by the tired cliché. It is saved by the unexpected setting and the necessary changes made to accommodate it. The story revolves around Twilight’s ever-worsening madness as she goes through life-like simulations of her past in a desperate bid to not acknowledge the unceasing void and silence that is her reality.
wonderkid125 played this to its full potential, creating a story that is painfully emotional and woefully underviewed. Few things are quite so horrifying as seeing how far Twilight has fallen and then hearing her computer answer the question, “It’s almost over, right?” It’s the kind of moment that makes you realize things are only going to get worse.
If I had to offer any particular criticism, it’s in the nature of the simulations. Each one brings up things we as the reader know about: Twilight’s coronation, studying with Starlight Glimmer, reading with Spike, etcetera. The only simulated character we don’t know is Twilight’s own self-created OC. But wait, this is a story set after the heat death of the universe, and it’s been acknowledged that thousands of years passed between that and the events of the show. Shouldn’t a large portion of these simulations depict life after her friends’ deaths? Why are we only seeing recreations of the show characters and not, say, Fluttershy’s great-to-the-eighth-power granddaughter or something? Why is the simulation discussing the mathematical likelihood of heaven having a physical existence centered around Starlight Glimmer, who most likely was dead millennia before this potential reality became something in need of attention?
On the other hand, it makes sense from the storyteller’s standpoint. wonderkid125 stuck with what the readers would be familiar with, because that would have a greater emotional impact. It’s hard to argue that was a bad choice. But I still would have appreciated at least some sort of in-story reasoning behind it.
Regardless, this is definitely one of the better Immortality Sucks stories I’ve read in recent memory. The prose is effective at channeling Twilight’s ever-worsening mental state and really emphasizing how bad the situation is. The setting and wonderkid125’s approach give the old concept a fresh look, preventing it from interfering with my enjoyment. All in all, I feel like this was a hit on all fronts, and I hope this review lends it a bit more attention.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The World Beyond Her Dreams
19,557 Words
By Foals Errand
Co-written with Jumbled Thought (whose account has apparently been scrubbed)
In a hospital, a young woman named Twilight Sparkle sleeps in a coma. And while she sleeps, she dreams.
This story operates under the premise that a human Twilight Sparkle dreams of the events of Friendship is Magic. She talks in the process, and her nurses – Celestia, Luna, and Cadance – record what she says and try to be there for her in hopes that it will help her wake up. Oh, and Shining Armor is her doctor, but apparently not her brother? The story opens with Twilight dreaming the events of Magical Mystery Cure, and somehow the transformation to an alicorn in the dream leads to a breakthrough that may indicate she’s on the verge of waking up. Hoping to encourage this, Celestia calls on Twilight’s real-world friends – the rest of the Mane Six – to come visit her.
Each chapter is told from the perspective of a different character, demonstrating how Twilight’s coma has affected them personally. It’s also treated as a bit of a mystery, the actual cause of Twilight’s coma frequently alluded to but only properly described near the end. I really liked that approach for how it maintained my curiosity.
The downside to the approach is in the other characters. Each of the Mane Six plus Sunset Shimmer pay her a visit, but because of the hush-hush nature of things we’re never allowed to see the full picture during these visits. This can create some odd issues that never get resolved and leaves a feeling that something is missing from many of these characters’ backstories.
Or, to put it another way, the writing is very much “in the moment”, which means things that aren’t “in the moment” go completely ignored. Pinkie Pie and Applejack were the primary cases here.
There’s also the typos, which are far too common to be swept aside. I question if Foals and Jumbled bothered with any proofing. There are also numerous cases of ponification where it shouldn’t be, such as instances of Celestia and Rainbow being referred to as mares.
Despite these issues, I can safely say that this is the best story I’ve read by Foals. Really, there’s no comparison. It’s emotional, at times intense, and every scene is dripping with atmosphere. The mystery is effective and the characters are just enough like themselves to make the differences stand out, and it’s abundantly clear those differences have a single source. The whole thing proves touching by the end, redefining the nature of the show in a positive way.
The issues are enough to knock this out of my top bookshelf, but only just. I haven’t read anything by this author in nearly three years, and this was a very welcome return.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Princess Celestia? Do You Have A Belly Button? — Pretty Good
A Little Panic — Worth It
The Foal in Daybreaker's Room — Worth It
Dear Princess Celestia — Needs Work
Tiny Twilight Tales — Needs Work
What's the Point?
8,506 Words
By Violetta Strings
Okay, here me out. There’s this nifty idea I’ve got to share with all of you: Immortality sucks.
Yeah, you’ve seen it before. Frequently. And this story isn’t going to bring anything new to the game. Twilight’s starting to feel apathetic about life, the universe, and everything, she asks Discord for help, he gets the rest of the princesses in the room, they talk. Badda bing badda boom, Immortality Sucks.
To be fair, Violetta Strings did about as well as could be hoped. A common trope doesn’t become common because it’s a bad idea, after all, and the points that Discord and the princesses make on the topic are all solid, even if none of them are fresh. The characterization is generally pretty good too, although in Luna’s case that assumes you buy into the more lighthearted version of her that appears in the comics.
There are some definite trips in the writing, such as Violetta Strings being incapable of sticking to a single perspective, or saying unintended things like how Cadance’s eyes apparently are in control of her head’s movements, or general grammar problems being far too common. There’s a bit of emotional whiplash as characters jump from calm to sobbing messes in an instant, and some of the narrative just felt awkward.
Yet the primary make or break element is, in fact, the commonality of the topic. If you’re sick and tired of Twilight being sick and tired or being immortal, you’re not likely going to find anything worth your while here. Everyone else? Eh… maybe. I’m putting this on a low shelf, but it has more to do with the grammatical and stylistic issues than the fact that I’ve read this story in various forms a bajillion times now.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
An Adventure Through the Overflowingly Wordy Psyche of the Fair Princess Celestia — Worth It
Setting Fire to the Sky — Worth It
Of Mirrors and Madness — Needs Work
Love Flies Innuendo
6,260 Words
By Baal Bunny
Spike, Rarity, and Twilight live with Mistress Olive. They were created by Mistress Olive’s ex-boyfriend, a programmer named Simon, with the express purpose of helping her around the apartment. Alas, Mistress Olive is a wicked, mean-spirited woman who always abuses Master Simon’s creations. But Master Simon gave Spike a means of escape. Only Spike. If he could just muster up the courage to abandon everything he’s ever known…
Ah, I missed Baal Bunny’s work. It’s been too long.
Set in the near future, this story follows Spike, the AI butler, as he struggles to understand his situation. Spike was programmed to attend to Mistress Olive’s every need. He was also programmed to love Rarity, and vice versa. Rarity appears to be an entertainment unit with direct control over things like the music system, whereas Twilight is more of a utility and admin AI. It’s questionable if they are true artificial intelligence or just extremely well-made dumb AI, with evidence in the story pointing in either direction. While Twilight and Rarity do have their roles, Spike is the driver of this story.
The end result is a story involving misplaced faith, really bad breakups, mysteries in programming, and one confused little dragon bot trying to make sense of everything. It’s thought-provoking, with a plot that is simple in many ways but complex in others. This extends even to the end, when we all know exactly what really happened and yet still have an underlying mystery – namely the mystery of the story’s meaning – to resolve. What’s the critical thing to highlight at the end? The mismatched, unexpected elements of Mistress Olive and Master Simon? The secrets of the MLP-bots’ AI and how their behavior makes their sentience uncertain?
Maybe I’m reading too deep into it, but that’s alright. Point is, I greatly enjoyed this one, as I often do for Baal Bunny’s works. It’s well-written, well-thought out, and inescapably interesting. Definitely give it a go.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Collaborators — WHYRTY?
Doing Well by Doing Good — Pretty Good
Grouchisaurus Rex — Pretty Good
Bowled Over — Pretty Good
Seabras
1,149 Words
By Vanilla Mocha
While headed to Zecora’s for another cure for the Cutie Pox, they discuss the nature of cutie marks. Zecora overhears the conversation and decides to inform them about seabras.
There’s not much to this, even accounting for its tiny size. It’s also filled with filthy lies, like Zecora only rhyming because it messes with the ponies’ heads. It’s like it’s supposed to be a joke story but without really having a punchline, unless you count “Zecora was lying all along” as a punchline. It’s not helped by the typos that are too common for the size of the doc; I doubt Vanilla Mocha even considered a proofing run.
Not sure what the point of this was. I was hoping it would have some worldbuilding or something, but instead it’s just… sorta… there? I dunno. Maybe others will get more out of it than I did.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Fulfillment — Worth It
Angel Kisses — Needs Work
First World... — MA
Stories for Next Time:
Recent Review Map:
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXIV
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXV
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXVI
You Are Here
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXVII – Estee Edition
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXVIII
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXIX
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXL
Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXLI
Need some editing done? Working on a story and not sure how it’s shaping up? I’m now doing editing and critique commissions! Check here for more information and PM me if interested.
It was about here that I realized my mental image of you was of a very skinny dude. So, I guess you write like you've already lost the weight, and the rest of you is catching up? (Yes, I am aware that is not a thing, my brain just made a mental image and that was that).
More seriously though, congrats on breaking the barrier. Weight loss is hard.
Thanks for the kind words! (And sorry for contributing a third to the 'immortality sucks pile'. Good things come in threes... I guess?)
Your lone critique is actually quite fair. If I had to offer an in-story reason for it (other than me not thinking about it
) It would be that we start the story after Twilight's already spent a good deal of time post heat death. She's already done so many things so many times. She probably would have simulations dedicated to friends made after her generation passed on, but by now she is so desperate to feel good that she defaults to the simulations that give her the most comfort, I.E, the ones featuring her first and closest friends and family members.
I really hate my first story, and the only thing preventing me from giving it a metaphorical bullet to the back of the head and a shallow grave in my backyard, is the fact I can't murder a piece of fiction. That, and I have been told it's good to keep older stories around for the sake of comparison to my newer works by other authors. Thank you for finding the time to review my work, and I hope you find the sequels to be much more enjoyable by comparison.
Good on you for the diet! I was forced to eat nothing but oatmeal and yogurt for two weeks due to a stomach infection, and let me tell you, that got old quick. BUT, it did teach me that I could do it. Even the hunger pains I was able to ignore, becoming just a background ache like I just got done with an intense workout.
Of course, once the doctor gave me the go ahead to eat regularly again, I regained a lot of weight and then some. Viking ZX is right in that losing weight is hard, but keeping it off is harder. Stay at it!
Regarding Foals Errand's story, that sounds like a slightly different approach, but it was a common early-fandom conceit to write the show as someone's dream, often Twilight or Megan or some anonymous girl.
Baal Bunny's story was pretty good! I enjoyed reading that one.
Gotta say, you convinced me to give that first one a try. From the cover art, I'd have assumed it was some kind of pregnancy fetishism, but the scenario and the way it plays out sounds like a really good idea.
Pregnant Fizzy getting friendshipped with Mrs. Cake (who I adore) as a caring veteran mom is something I never knew I needed til now. Right to the top of list, it goes.
I hear you on the diet. I'm 140kg (actually lower now!) and have been trying to diet for a while now. It's really hard.
I take a cheat-day every week to help, since i know from experience that I don't have the willpower to go without. Having a scheduled date when I'm allowed to cheat makes it easier to motivate myself to stick to the diet every other day, and it also makes it easier not to gorge on my cheat day (since I know I'll have another next week, I don't feel like I have to 'make the most of it'). It's got cons, of course - a cheat day is still more calories than us healthy, and it can be easy to backslide - but it's etter than breaking from my diet and indulging too much in one day, and then feeling miserable and demotivated the next day.
I... might have to check out that first one. I adore pregnancy as a trope - exploring how various characters might react to it, fears of being a decent mother, presence or lack thereof of a father, all the physical changes, it's all just so rife with possibility for character analysis, drama and/or quality fluff. Unfortunately, I stopped looking for pregnancy stories a long time ago when I was forced to accept that the few stories that weren't fetish-based were... painful reads. It's definitely a trope that seems to draw in the less capable writers, as much as it pains me to say. The way you describe this one, though, has my keen interest.
I concur on envisioning you as a skinny dude. Congrats on your weight loss achievements. Y'all make me terrified to not be 21.
ESTEE WEEK ESTEE WEEK ESTEE WEEK
(Also that 1.3 mil+ story request you were doing. What an utter behemoth of a blog this is gonna be. See you then.)
5739692
5739738
Oh, I am skinny. Skinny arms, skinny legs. All the weight is centered around my waist. So I'm basically a skinny guy with a gut. And even the gut's not all that big because, as mentioned before, I'm small by guy standards.
5739695
You know, that makes sense. I'd be willing to buy it as an excuse.
5739698
I 100% back this up. It's always good to know where we came from and how far we've gone.
5739699
I like oatmeal (keep a box of it in case I run low on other foods), but that sounds horrible.
Right. A workout. Physical fitness. Because I do that too. Totally.
5739705
Y'know, I vaguely recall that. I'm pretty sure I've reviewed two or three other stories in which MLP was just a dream or hallucination or some such. Curious that you don't see it as much nowadays.
And yeah, Baal Bunny has yet to disappoint.
5739722
It's even harder considering I inherited my dad's cooking gene and addiction to above-average food. I cook at least once a week, usually in big quantities so I'll have plenty of leftovers for lunch throughout the week, and that's fine. But the night I make said meal? That's when I'm at my weakest.
I also tend to eat out once every other weekend, assuming I've been behaving myself.
5739738
Then yes, you'll definitely want to read Stormy Tears. It's quite solid.
Finally an actual critic! Thank you! The french ficdom has been so dead that I haven't had any real comprehensive one since the end of Immortality. (so, 5 years)
I'm... well, reassured(?) that the main issue seems to be the translation side. Especially for a story that is starting to date a bit, so I was worried it might have aged poorly. I'm working on using tools & all more carefully to give a better experience. And I'll put it to use on that fic as well.
(For the trope, well, there were very few stories about Twilight's immortality in the french ficdom when I started to write that fic, and I read even fewer. It was still during the great debate "is Twilight going to outlive her friends?". Also, I don't really know about that Rarity dies last trope, I hesitated to switch her with Pinkie at some point but I felt like someone else had to be there with Twilight, and I found it... ironic that the fashion horse would be the one to see her own body deteriorate the most and I guess that's why people gravitate towards her as the last alive. And I wanted to talk about Alzheimer, and she was the only old one.)
The last chapter was always the end goal, pretty much. So, I don't know where you got the idea the story was supposed to end with Spike. Something got lost in translation, probably, and sorry for that x)
Anyway, thanks a lot for your words (and your patience). That's a much needed boost for me.
Thanks:
For the kind words. Because folks so seldom leave negative feedback on stories, I'm not sure why it's got so many "down thumbs." Maybe the vast majority of Fimfic readers are programmers?
Oh, and just for bookkeeping purposes, you reviewed "The Long Game" in your last blog, but it's not mentioned in the list of previous stories...
Mike
5739846
Given that I did two of your stories in two blogs It's a guarantee that I wrote this review before publishing the review for The Long Game, which means at the time there was no review to add. It happens sometimes, and it's not something I thoroughly police.
Your blurbs rarely fail to be captivating, but that was especially true today, because your tale of struggling to lose weight and keep eating less food to keep it was very relatable, as my meat puppet is very skinny (and tall), just with a small gut.
Though in my case that didn't use to be, as I have a strong enough metabolism and eat minimal enough weight-gaining junk food that, pre-COVID, my natural amount of walking and outdoor activity kept me consistent, if not fit.
Spending much of 2021 and 2022 doing far less of that caused me to develop some mild fat on an otherwise skinny frame. This year I've taken up daily walks, currently averaging 15km a week, which has certainly stopped the growth cold, though the reversal is slow as my body got used to the gut's presence. Slow, but not nonexistant!
Somewhat different deal than your situation, obviously (honestly, you can't even see my minimal excess fat through clothes), but it hit me deep.
Seconding what others say, in that the genre and cover of that Pregnant Tempest fic would normally be a massive turn-off (pregnancy fics being either fetishes or just poorly written), but you've sold me on this one! Tempest in a situation where she has to be inactive and embrace her inner motherhood, and chatting with the wisest mother and matronly figure around in Ponyville? With writing as winning as you describe it, it's a given for me now!
Not the best week otherwise, though of course anything from Augiedog/Bael Bunny is always worthy of heavy consideration; don't need a review to tell me that! Even if I don't know that this particular story is quite for me.
When the Admiral and I were planning out themes and concepts for Extended Cut, we at first landed on that... but quickly reversed course. Celestia's pretty well adjusted for a mare who's laid all twelve of her spouses to rest over the last 1,097 years. She's passed that mindset onto Cadance, who's a mere 270ish, and she'll catch Luna- who's only been conscious for 98 years- and any future alicorn(s) up to speed. EC Chrysalis, too, isn't all that angsty about her immortality- if everything that's happened to her took place over 1,400 years, or 14 minutes, she'd be in the same place.
Thank you for your review of Bug in a Blizzard! Together with others who have said some of the same things, it's got me more confident than ever that I should be more relaxed with how I introduce characters.
I'm curious, which giveaway was that? :p Was it, by chance, when Girard reverse pickpockets Pesco (Ch 12), or perhaps, Gloria being the last one next to Grid's door (Ch 12) before it's sabotaged (Ch 17), or Girard claiming food poisoning when Gloria needs to parade her father around, who is noted to be suspiciously nervous like Girard (Ch 4)? There are a few smoking guns throughout the story that I was afraid to include, but I'm glad I did include them, because they didn't seem to have ruined the mystery for anybody.
Hm, which lie is that? Having spent so much time cooking this story, I'd be surprised if I overlooked anything (as opposed to merely fumbling the execution), but I'm definitely curious to hear.
Yeah, as with the sentiment that the story was frontloaded, a lot of people had misgivings about the flashback. My take on it is that my own opinions on the story changed as I wrote it. In particular, I increasingly felt that I couldn't adhere to the "classical detective story" formula until the end while also keeping it interesting. The flashback was perhaps my boldest experiment in escaping the genre—trading a sense of mystery for a sense of impending tragedy—but it's a shame that it's also my favorite experiment in the story, and I don't know how I would fix it to get my readers to like it, too.
5739944
When Girard referred to Pesco and ponies in general as "you mammals". To me that was a dead giveaway.
Pretty sure the mystery of Grid Iron and the misplaced ingredients was never resolved, although I might be mis-remembering something there.
I can't fault you for trying to mix things up to keep things interesting. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And whether it does or not is largely subjective anyway. I didn't care for the decision, but I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who did.
5739950
That was all part of Gloria's ploy to frame Grid, or at least waste enough of the detectives' time to get away. First she lied about not seeing Grid in the kitchen during the "trial in the foyer" (Ch 7), then rearranged the protein powder in the kitchen (off-screen) to make Grid's only redeeming alibi look like a lie (Ch 12). Girard admits in passing later (Ch 23) that Gloria had instructed him to make the detectives fetch him some tea (Ch 11) so that they would be forced to notice the discrepancy "on their own."
From the very beginning Pesco realizes that all the evidence implicating Grid could just as well be evidence implicating Gloria, and by the time he hears of the protein powder (Ch 17), he clearly isn't buying it (or the absurd grappling hook ploy—Gloria really overplayed her
handclaw).Granted, for how important this mini-mystery is, I could've made it a little more explicit. The old trope of the detective lecturing everybody on how it all went down exists for a good reason, I think.
5739957
Yeah, I didn't see that at all. And your previous comment also mentioned several things I didn't catch. Clearly, this is one of those stories where the clues are so subtle that I would never expect most readers to catch the majority of them. Whether that's a bad thing or not is up to individual interpretation.