Paul's Thursday Reviews CXXVIII · 8:54pm Aug 23rd, 2018
Not much to say this week, folks. Aside from the ongoing edits/ chapter releases of Bulletproof Heart and a renewed obsession with Ark: Survival Evolved, not much has been going on. Which is… kind of a relief, actually. I’d like to have a weekend with little deal with. Not that my life’s crazy stressful or anything – quite the opposite – but it’ll be nice to not have any (relatively) big things happening.
And on that note, I shall bore you no further. Reviews!
Stories for This Week:
Silence by Sleepy Panda
Cutie Mark Crusader Magicians, Yay! by DrakeyC
Trixie's Favourite Pony by Blueshift
Much Ado About A Belle by SuperPinkBrony12
First World... by Vanilla Mocha
Sylphidine by RazgrizS57
Not Everything by Gaiascope
Pictureframe by AdrianVesper
A Diamond and a Tether by PatchworkPoltergeist
By Her Side by Lady Froey
Total Word Count: 138,699
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 3
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 3
None: 0
Silence
1,000 Words
By Sleepy Panda
Somehow, I hoped for more.
The plot here is plain to see: Luna, newly returned from her exile, can’t sleep, and so wanders the castle in the middle of the day. No, really, that’s it. Nothing more to see here.
This story needs one of two things: either a much longer wordcount to properly generate atmosphere and evoke an emotional connection, or an entirely different method of directing in order to achieve the same in as few words. As the story currently exists, it is far too direct, blasting past all the potentially emotional moments. For example, Sleepy Panda could have started this directly with Luna waiting in line, saving up tons of space for developing the mood of the story.
I checked this one out due to curiosity and its low viewcount, but didn’t come away impressed. Perhaps the next one will be better?
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Cutie Mark Crusader Magicians, Yay!
43,930 Words
By DrakeyC
When another failed attempt at earning cutie marks leads to the Crusaders being lost in Whitetail Woods, they stumble upon the wagon of none other than Trixie Lulamoon. Upon seeing all the cool things she has in her wagon, they get the brilliant idea to blackmail her into teaching them what she knows so that they can get magician cutie marks.
Oh, wonderful. Another stupid CMC story where they bumble around doing preposterous stuff that would kill your ordinary pony and, if they’re unlucky, getting a slap on the wrist for punishment while the author tries to squeeze in as many stupid… stupid… wait. Wait. This story isn’t following the traditional CMC script. Why isn’t the story following that stupid, loathsome script? Everyone follows that horrible thing! Has Tartarus frozen over? Did Discord change the story? Did poison joak get on the author? What in Luna’s name is going on here?
As you can no doubt tell by now, this wasn’t at all what I expected from the description, the cover art, the tags, and years of suffering through that stupid CMC story tradition. What we end up with is a story where Trixie – here depicted as a very capable and intelligent individual who fully acknowledges her mistakes and holds others to theirs – teaching a trio of fillies who actually learn what she’s teaching. I kept waiting for something to explode, and while something eventually did (Trix just had to jinx it), it was a reasonable event rather than something cartoony and stupid.
I ended up loving this story. The Crusaders and Trixie are all distinctly recognizable, but they’ve also been made less like looney tunes (for the former) and comedic charlatans (for the latter) and more like real individuals with real goals, purposes, and reasoning. I especially liked this rendition of Trixie, who confronts the events of the past not through shame or a blatantly unrepentant attitude but with firm reasoning and standing by her principles. She was interesting, she was humanequine, but she was strong. A good character through and through, full of flaws but with only the best intentions.
And then there’s the lesson she teaches the CMC, and why she went through all the trouble to do so. It effectively rounds out the story, and it’s very easy to believe that the events of this story acted as the catalyst for Crusaders of the Lost Mark.
I am nothing short of impressed. This was a great story that flies in the face of all the norms when it comes to the pre-marked CMC and pre-S6 Trixie. It’s well-written, has an effective understanding of emotions, and comes with strong, interesting leads. I’m not sure there’s anything to complain about.
With this, DrakeyC has my attention. I’m looking forward to whatever comes next.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Old Memories, New Traditions — Pretty Good
Trixie's Favourite Pony
611 Words
By Blueshift
611 words? Yeah, I’m amazed too. In my defense, I expected this to be stupid and silly. I just didn’t expect it to be 100/1 on the side of stupid.
As much as I’d like to say this is actually something interesting, it’s really not. Take this concept in the most whacked direction you can think of, add some heroine, a high fever, enough alchohol to do the job three times over, then apply a huge helping libido and narcissism. You probably still can’t imagine how stupid this is.
This is a crackfic, nothing more. If you’re here for that, then give it a go and have fun. It’ll only take a minute or two.
I am not here for crackfics, and so I shall move on to greener (and hopefully more intelligent) pastures.
Bookshelf: Crackfic
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Rise — WHYRTY?
So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish — WHYRTY?
Much Ado About A Belle
2,793 Words
By SuperPinkBrony12
Well, that was… simple. Yes, I think I’ll go with simple. Basically, Cheerilee overhears the Crusaders talking about how Big Mac’s with Sugar Belle now. Then Big Mac announces he’s not with Sugar Belle anymore. The end. See? Simple.
Ah, but it goes beyond that. The story leans on dialogue like a crutch, which is made all the more obvious by how forced that dialogue is. Big Mac and Cheerilee sound like they’re reading from a script rather than having an actual conversation. In the end it all came out seeming less like a story and more wish fulfillment where the author explains why MacBelle is a bad ship. And if you want to do that, that’s fine, but at least try to make it into a proper story. Heck, SuperPinkBrony12 could have written a blog covering these points and achieved the same results.
Sorry, author, but I am not impressed. The dialogue and behavior is too unrealistic, the plot of the story is too simple, and I’m not fond of using stories as a soap box.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Wonderbolt and The Dressmaker — None
First World...
1,318 Words
By Vanilla Mocha
There’s an idea that’s fairly old, though I don’t see it used as often as one would think: Pinkie suffers from depression, and makes others smile to hide her own anxieties and self-loathing. This story tackles that subject, which in itself is a means for the author to deal with their own issues.
This story suffers from one specific issue: tell. It is very telly, and that aspect is made apparent the moment the third paragraph goes through a long spiel telling us exactly what the previous paragraph did in a fifth the words. In this particular area, Vanilla Mocha could use some assistance. But it’s not all bad, because the vast majority of the story is Pinkie talking to herself.
Maybe too much of the story is Pinkie talking to herself. When I think of someone going through a personal crisis such as this, I don’t see them talking about it out loud, I see them panicking in their own head. But that’s strictly a perspective issue, thus subjective, and this is Pinkie Pie we’re talking about, so I’ll let that slide.
It’s a weird thing, how this story depicts Pinkie Pie. The fact she’s talking to herself in a long stream is perfectly Pinkie, but how she’s talking to herself – the specific terms she’s using, such as ‘first world problems’ and ‘middle class paradise’ – are blatantly unPinkie (and arguably unMLP). I want to be critical of the story for that, but at the same time I also have to acknowledge that the entire point of the story is that we’re seeing a side of Pinkie nobody knows about, so it makes perfect sense that we’d see things we wouldn’t normally associate with her.
It leaves me confused, frustrated, and not certain how to react.
I’m sorry to say that my mixed reaction to what I’m seeing forced me to get nothing out of it. The concept is certainly a sad one, and I should know as I’ve witnessed this kind of thing all my life through family. In the end, I don’t think I can properly judge this one. My negative views on the writing style, my personal awareness of the message being sent, and my uncertain reaction to the unPinkie Pinkie Pie leave me with a sense that any judgement call I might make would be a flawed one, and perhaps biased in ways it shouldn’t be. There’s some bias that can’t be avoided, but I feel this one is a bit too conflicting.
That being said, if you’re willing to put up with a very telly writing style, an overabundance of dialogue, and a very unPinkie Pinkie Pie, feel free to give it a go. I’d love to see what others think of this.
Bookshelf: Missed Audience
Fun fact: Google says “unPinkie” is a word, but only if there’s a period after it.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Angel Kisses — Needs Work
Sylphidine
4,557 Words
By RazgrizS57
Alternate Title: Thus Became Arabus
Hey, did you know this story was written by RazgrizS57? It’s true! I just had to say so because there’s no way you’d get that by, y’know, his name being on top of the story’s page or attached to the story’s description or any of those other things you clearly don’t pay attention to.
Okay, sorry. It’s just that the very last thing I saw after reading this story was “written by, RazgrizS57” and I’m like, “yeah, no shit, Sherlock”. Don’t do this, RazgrizS57. It’s pointless and more likely to annoy people than anything else. And if you need to thank people, use the author’s notes or the story description. That’s what they’re for.
Now that that’s out of my system: this was a delightful story. It focuses on a strange, invisible creature called a Sylph that wanders about a world it doesn’t understand and which it justifiably fears, hoping that someday it’ll find a safe harbor. It’s a pleasant, well-paced tale told from the perspective of a creature that sees things very differently from those around it, granting that it can see at all.
There are a couple issues that one has to tackle to really get into this, however. For one, it’s clear that RazgrizS57 is trying to convey an alien perspective here. That’s fine. Great, even! But if this is the case, how does the creature understand things like doors, chimneys, and towns when it doesn’t recognize ponies, referring to them as ‘thumpers’? It either understands things or it doesn’t, and the sylph’s understanding of the world around it is conflicting of itself. How can it so easily grasp so much real-world terminology but fail to grasp other common terms just as easily?
Also, how does it sense things around it? It is clearly capable of recognizing doors, fires, ‘thumpers’, chimneys, roads, clouds, and so on and so forth. Yet it has no eyes, or ears, or… well, anything. It has to be using something to detect things outside of its (non?)physical presence, and I think it would have been interesting to explore or at least establish that.
But ignoring those two issues, I thoroughly enjoyed this. It becomes strangely easy to sympathize and feel for the little air spirit as it struggles to find somewhere to settle down and be safe amongst all the dangers of the world. By near the end I found myself rooting for the little fellow, and that’s not an easy connection to make. This was well worth my interest and I’m glad I decided to give it a chance.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Only One In Color — WHYRTY?
Not Everything
21,257 Words
By Gaiascope
Recommended by paul
A young stallion, known only as ‘Colt’, discovers that he loves to play cello. So, with dreams dancing in his eyes, he moves to Canterlot with naught but his instrument on his back. It works out decently enough. He’s happy, even if he’s homeless. But then, a few months into his new life, he meets her: Lyra Heartstrings. His life will never be the same.
I think I’ve just read the poster child of criminally underrated stories. I’ve never seen something so deserving of attention and yet so thoroughly unknown. I will be racing to join the next set of SA reviews soon just for the sake of introducing this to the FIMFiction world. It will undoubtedly appear there before it appears here. (EDIT: It did, by almost a full month.)
The story goes through wild ups and downs as Colt finds love and yet manages to crash spectacularly. It’s at times a fun little slice-of-life, at others a heartbreaking tragedy. Along the way he meets a motley band consisting almost entirely of OCs, but all of whom are lovingly defined characters. Colt grows, falls, tries to pick himself up, develops relationships and faces the consequences of his decisions in a ballad of love and pain that is all his own doing. And this without a single instance of action or melodrama.
I loved every moment, even the long bit of extrapolation about ⅘ through the story. It’s an atmospheric, emotional little ride, and shame upon us all for not noticing its existence sooner. The only thing I regret is that there’s not a sequel, although an argument can be made that it doesn’t need one.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Pictureframe
2,875 Words
By AdrianVesper
Recommended by Pascoite
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
In this brief story, we find Twilight living at a small cottage with her friend, Chroma. Twilight can have anything she wants here. Chroma can change the sky, create friends, make sure she’s never hungry or thirsty or in pain. But Twilight is an inquisitive pony, and she needs to know what exists beyond the cottage and its picturesque hills. If only Chroma will let her go…
This is a story with the peculiar role of being ambitious and… not ambitious. The idea here is good. It could have been something amazing. Instead we leap straight to the climax. There’s so much potential here, potential for mystery and conflict and tension and conclusion, and none of it is explored!
I’m not saying this is a bad story. It’s not. It pulls off some decent storytelling in such a short space of time. But by being so short, I feel it’s ignoring all the things that make this idea such a strong one, and in turn makes the conclusion feel rushed. And with a rushed conclusion, we in turn get a morale to the story that fails to stick. It’s a great morale. It’s something worth thinking about. But if a story is going to have such a strong theme as this, the story itself should be written in a manner that backs that up, and this one… isn’t.
I feel like this should have been a 10,000 word story, or even just 5,000, in order to properly cement itself in the readers’ psyche. As is, it’ll be forgotten in hours. And let me not forget that it makes the blithe assumption that certain characters in the story can be saved with no evidence to support that idea and plenty to refute it. That assumption and its flaws really distracts from that final message, or at least it does for me.
A great idea and a decently written fic, but the lack of ambition needed to make it all it can be is frustrating.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
A Diamond and a Tether
13,294 Words
By PatchworkPoltergeist
Recommended by Titanium Dragon
Gotta admit, I was looking forward to this one. I never read My Little Dashie (it’s on the to-do list), so I don’t know how this stands in comparison, but I was very interested in the fact that we were dealing with Diamond Tiara of all characters. In this story, a wealthy young woman named Lucy is given a present by her boyfriend: a tiny pink pony. She’s delighted, and treats little Diamond Tiara like one might a favorite dog. Toys, treats, doting, the works. What Lucy hasn’t figured out yet is that Diamond Tiara is a lot more than a pet.
I loved this. It’s a powerful, character-driven tale told almost entirely from DT’s perspective. And that perspective is of a confused child trying to understand the world around her and the woman who has inexplicably become her parental figure. It’s a heartfelt story about DT’s growth as an individual, at times sad and at others endearing. I enjoyed every minute of it.
There’s really not much more to say. The story lacks a lot of explanation for the hows and whys of Diamond’s arrival on Earth, but outside of that I have nothing to complain about. It’s got solid pacing, wonderful (if concerning) character development, and a hard finale. It’s one of those stories that’s better to experience for oneself, which you definitely should.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
By Her Side
47,285 Words
By Lady Froey
Completed Story
A few years after the Battle of the Bands, Adagio Dazzle has moved on with her life. Today’s the first day of classes for the new college semester, and who should she find in her art history class other than Sunset Shimmer? Wonderful.
This is a very simplistic story. Girl meets old enemy, they fall in love within three days, minor friendship drama, happily ever after. I use ‘minor’ in a facetious manner, because in reality some of the problems aren’t all that minor. But I just couldn’t get into this one for a variety of reasons, starting with the whole ‘love at first sight’ nonsense Lady Froey throws at us. I suppose that’ll be fine for the people who just want to get to the good stuff, but I prefer a bit of reality in my stories, and in reality “love at first sight” frequently leads to divorce in first year, so I’m not buying this one for a minute. I’m especially not buying this whole “I can see you’ve changed for the better!” drivel Sunset offers without actually knowing anything about Adagio other than she’s a woman and she’s attractive.
That’s not the only bout of strange character behavior in this story. For example, Rainbow deciding, for no proper reason, that Adagio’s brief actions against her friends makes her worse than Sunset, who did the exact same thing only for a much longer period of time. There were a number of other questionable elements, but that’s the one that most sticks out.
Honestly, while I do find fault with these things, I think they’d probably have gotten a pass if not for the very telly writing style. It’s direct to such a degree that it struggles to convey much emotion. We are given the opportunity to really grasp the events, they just happen in a steady stream. I recall seeing this in the prior stories by this author to varying degrees, but it seems worse here for some reason.
The best example was when Rainbow Dash and Pinkie got into a problem on a lake that required some siren intervention. There’s this big emergency going on and Rainbow is in serious trouble, but you wouldn’t know if for how casually everything is written out. Rainbow might as well be lazing in the cafeteria whining about homework for all the alarm I got out of that scene. Combine that with dialogue of off-and-on quality and I just couldn’t get into anything that happened in this story.
I suppose an argument can be made that I just don’t ‘get’ Lady Froey’s writing style. It strikes me as very plain, and to me that’s a big problem. It seems a lot of people don’t mind it, so I encourage you to read it for yourself and come to your own conclusions.
As a romance, I’ve definitely read better. This whole thing struck me as awkward.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Major and Minor — Pretty Good
Music to His Ears — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
All The Bitter Remains by Arcelia
Strong Bad Receives a Friendship Report by RTStephens
A Time to Remember by Dull Mist
She's Dazzling by ellie_
For the Good of Equestria by brokenimage321
The Story of a Forgotten Prince by KorenCZ11
The Nightmare Omen by TheKissoftheVoid
Save the Records by TheBandBrony
Swimming Lessons by reynard
Grading on a Bell Curve by Novel-Idea
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Thanks for the glowing review, I'm honored and flattered.
Lett's see what we have here.
Drakey's story is great. I would have included it on the list of recommendations I gave you long ago, but i was limiting that to stories under 1k views. This one's over 3k.
"First World..." isn't one I've read, but I have read one story by this author, and I'll say the telly business wasn't a stylistic choice made to suit the characterization here. The author just writes this way.
Why not suggest the author submit "Not Everything" to EqD? If it's really that good, it shouldn't have any trouble getting accepted, and it'll double its readership.
"Pictureframe" was a cool idea, but my biggest issue with it is how unemotional the narration sounds for a limited narrator in fear for her life. It shows the capability of understanding show versus tell, but not so much when to use each—that is, it gets telly at the higher emotional moments, which is right when you wouldn't want it to. But for what it is, it's pretty enjoyable.
PatchworkPoltergeist has a great understanding of Diamond Tiara's character, and that of her entire family as well. I haven't read this one, but I have read the series about Spoiled, and it's very good. I grab those from the reviewing queue whenever she submits one.
I've only read one Lady Froey story, but I had the same reaction to that one as you did to this one. There's a rather contrived emotional high point, which isn't a bad way to get an enthusiastic audience of inexperienced readers, and it didn't have a solid grasp of perspective.
Not Everything is one of those fics that took me by surprise and sucker punched me in the gut. It then threatened to steal my lunch money if it didn't get a SA post... wait. That was you.
ANYWAY, glad to see Drakey make it on your Authors to Watch list. I've been working with him for a few years now and I'm almost always impressed by his work.
Uh, oh. I'm on the chopping block next week...
Diamond and a Tether is fantastic. Also, one of the most reviewed stories in fimfic.
4926470
So what you're saying is "You're not a reviewer until you've reviewed A Diamond and a Tether?" Duly noted.
4926470
4926529
Shoot, that means I gotta review it!
Oh no, you reviewed the story I wrote in <1 hour when I was 14 years old.
Can't say I expected any better!
Also, I believe you might've actually reviewed my things before.
4926926
Well, perhaps the next one will be better?
And it only counts toward the 'past reviews' list if it shows up in your FIMFic account. I like to give credit for collaborations, but my massive spreadsheet for tracking past reviews has nothing in place to keep me aware of collabs like that, I'm sorry to say.